Fun and Humor Time

[Adrienne]

A blond was driving down the street, in a panic because she had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking space.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Oh Lord, please take pity on me.
If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the
rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, an empty spot appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind, found one!"


Adrienne

[Adrienne]

i dont know if these are true, but they are funny none the less...

Combat for Dummies - Actual Advice & Instructions!

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

Adrienne

[Shamou]

Good jokes Adrienne...

---------------------------------------------------------


British Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports.

The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....



His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

[Shamou]

And more ....

collection of one liners that you never want to see on your report card.


"Obviously from the shallow end of the gene pool."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"She would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes.'"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

.

[Adrienne]

Thanks Shamou you as well!!!

this one totally cracked me up. i read it like 5 times and am still cracking up!

Here is the link, it has lots of swear words which is why i cant post it here because it ************ everything.

http://www.manbottle.com/humor/Anger_Management

Adrienne

[Shamou]

Great link Adrienne...

---------------------------------------------------------

One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, “You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles."

This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."

That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the balls. Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

.

[Shamou]

ACE PILOT


It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.


The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best pilot on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.


On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.


Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect trap. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged up to bridge.


Saluting the captain smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first launch?"


The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake!"

.

[Shamou]

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was
due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency
to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, “What time
of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?", and so on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long
hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bathroom the phone rang, which the wife answered to be
told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door
she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically,

"For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

.

[Shamou]

A man had a habit of buying things immediately after reading the ads about the products in the paper. Naturally, his wife was not too happy about it. One day the man read an ad about a sale on steel-belted radial tires. He jumped up, exclaiming that he would quickly buy four tires while the sale was on.

The wife complained, “I don't know what's wrong with you. You are going to buy four expensive tires when you've got a crappy old car?”
The man replied, “Don't make such a big deal about it! I don't complain when you buy new bras, do I?”

.

[Shamou]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, damn, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?”

The redhead says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

.

[Adrienne]

LOL those were awesome!!!

Adrienne

[Shamou]

This is a new Driving Examination. Since driving conditions (and
culture) are unique to California, you may not have realized that the
California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special Application and
driver's test solely for the California area.

2007 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: _______________________ Stage Name: __________________

Agent: _______________________ Attorney: ____________________

Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female*
[ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female
[ ] Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate
a motor vehicle in any way?

[ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
______________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]
Skinhead [ ]
Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news in a high- speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week:
________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*

* If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more

*If less than 1 hour, please explain:
____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it
means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test,
you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.

This Exam available in Spanish and a cajillion other languages.

.

[Shamou]

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."

Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7-7."

The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he goes his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"

He said, "Still 7-7. Half-time, switch sides!!!"

.

[Shamou]

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

.

[Shamou]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, “let’s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

.

[Shamou]

Idle Thoughts of a Retired Person...




I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones to ride horses
side-saddle. (Think about it!)

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Why do people say "close proximity"? Is there a "far proximity?"

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What rhymes with orange?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?

They asked me if I had a problem being ignorant and apathetic. I told them, "I don't know and I don't care!"

Life is life a roll of toilet paper...the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

There are two signs of senility: First is
forgetfulness...and...ummm...I can't remember the other one...

.

[Shamou]

HSBC BANK INSTRUCTIONS

HSBC Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are
installing new 'Drive-thru' cash-point machines where
our customers will be able to withdraw cash without
leaving their vehicles.

To enable our customers to make full use of these new
facilities, we have conducted intensive studies to
come up with the appropriate procedure for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you, (i.e.
MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use our
new machines for the first time.


PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into the machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.


PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required distance to align car
window with the cash machine.

3. Restart the stalled engine.

4. Wind down the window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger
seat and locate card.

6. Turn the radio down.

7. Attempt to insert card.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash
machine due to it's excessive distance from the car.

9. Insert card.

10. Re-insert card the right way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside back page.

12. Enter PIN.

13. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash
inside.

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19. Re-check make-up.

20. Drive forward 2 metres.

21. Reverse back to cash machine.

22. Retrieve card.

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place
card into the slot provided.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.

25. Drive for 2 or 3 miles.

26. Release hand-brake

.

[Shamou]

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.

--------------------------------------------------------

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends; but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

.

[Shamou]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

.

[Shamou]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

.

[Shamou]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder, "I just need one copy."

.

[Shamou]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

.