The Greatest Story Ever Told

[Mounds]

Let's hear it. What's the greatest story you've ever told?

I'm going to start by breaking the rules and tell a story that may or may not be the best story I have in my repertoire.

A couple years ago, I went on a big bug collecting trip deep into the US. We went all the way south to Texas and back north through some of the more eastern states, like Tennessee and Kentucky. One night, my biologist friend and I were catching bugs in a place called Paris, Tennessee. Out of all the towns I've ever visited, this place was simply incredible. Awesome food, nice people and incredible bugs. We found our only elephant stag beetle here and I found my first luna moth.
So, it's 1:00AM and were collecting at some lights around a government building. My friend is around back and I'm in front, looking under a street lamp. I'm carrying a huge flashlight and a jar filled with alcohol and bugs. I feel like there's someone watching me and I turn around. Sure enough, there's a police cruiser parked right behind me. Cop gets out and asks what I'm doing.

"Well ya see... I'm a bug collector. I came from Manitoba to catch these bugs".

The cop just stared. He pulled out his flashlight and flashes it into the container. He takes my license and tells me to wait beside his car. Another cop pulls up. At this point, I'm getting nervous.
Meanwhile, my friend comes up to me and casually says, "What do these guys want?".
"Well, I think they want to see our ID's!", I exclaim, hoping he'll calm down the cops.
"Huh. Well, I'll be over there." He strolls off, leaving me at the mercy of two cops.
The second cop ran after him and brought him back to the car. He explained what we were up to and the cops went inside one of their cars. We could hear the laughter.
Finally, they got out and one officer calmly explained that we couldn't hang around buildings like this late, although he completely understood that "the best bugs come out at night". At that point, the other officer once again lost his composure and started laughing. At least that lightened the mood a bit.

What's your story? I need some good reading material tomorrow

[Mynder]

Lol, okay, this is nothing that happened to me, but it was the story my mind dreamed up when I went to bed last night, and it circled around my head enough by now that I can sort of write it down.

You know all those fairy tales and stories where there is an evil dragon sitting in some cave near a village, and demands a virgin each year? I still don't know how these huge beasts can thrive on only a modest morsel a year, but that's how it usually goes, right? Then some knight in shining armor gets called in to save the day (and the girl - usually at the unvoiced promise of paying him with her virginity!), slays the beast and all are happy.

Well, in my mind, this time, I was the dragon, happily sitting in my cave, puffing smoke rings, and sure enough, some knight in silvery armor huffs and coughs up to my cave entrance, and in the usual heroic way declares me the fiend of the day and proclaims he will slay me. As things go, I get up, and we do battle for a bit, until I find out that he's actually somewhat skilled and the battle just might turn out badly for me. So, I address him: "Sir knight, have you pondered the consequences of your actions?"

This seemed to take him completely off-guard, and when he asked me what I meant, I went on to explain to him that I was but a somewhat small specimen of my kind, and that if he persisted, I might certainly be persuaded to leave for my family's homeground, but that my (bigger and meaner) cousins would probably move in to fill the void. Naturally, as they are bigger, they would have a bigger appetite, and devour more villagers in a year than modest me did. Furthermore, should he insist and kill me in the end, the obvious reaction would be that he'd be the first to be eaten.

As we debated, our good knight's eyes kept widening, and his mouth stood agape in puzzlement, and he kind of sat down, and we talked. Eventually, we both relaxed, and had fun recounting stories of past adventures. He even got out of his armor (it's usually pretty warm in my cave).

It was way past midnight when I finally said: "You know, I'm not a complete moron. I don't eat virgins. Poor little girls. No, sir, when I go to the village, I order knights."

That said, I ate the poor chap, and slept for a year.