WORST POSSIBLE PUNS-best possible time

[garentee]

I pancake any more puns they are too syruptitious..Ive haddock enough.

[Gene]

I'm sad, the only good pun I can think of is xxx rated. Sniffle!

[LostMyMap]

Did you hear about the elf who wrote science fiction and started his own religion?

Elrond Hubbard

[MightySunTzu]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and told them to scatter.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry,"
replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

There was a guy who told 10 different puns to a girl he was trying to impress, hoping that at least 1 of the puns would make her laugh... but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[GhostGoat]

A farmer's wife was out of town for a while, and while she was gone, rabbits started getting into his garden and eating his melons. After a few night of this, he went to the local animal shelter, and got a dog to keep the rabbits away. The dog looked just like Lassie.

When his wife got home, she heard a dog howling outside. She asked her husband what it was, and he said "That's my melon collie, baby".

[royster]

Some classics, a few repeats, but all worth a smile. Via e-mail:

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.



2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an opticalAleutian .



3.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



17.

A backward poet writes inverse.



18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .



21.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'



22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'



23.



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[LostMyMap]

royster you're awesome!

--Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

[MightySunTzu]

Originally Posted by royster

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

haha, really like this one .

[royster]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

royster you're awesome!

--Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

B - U - T is in the "I" of the bee-holder.

[royster]

The diver knew that if he could jam something into the shark's throat, it would disable his sharkophegus.

[Lanya]

Puns are the best.

Whose Line Clip

[LostMyMap]

The laying hens had to take a rest. They were egg-sausted.

[royster]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

The laying hens had to take a rest. They were egg-sausted.

You should get a sitting ovation for that one!

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by royster

You should get a sitting ovation for that one!

I logged in to the forum tonight for the express purpose of telling you what a frakking awesome comeback that was.

You hear about the Swiss Jedi? Yodel....

You hear about the Mexican Jedi? Obi Juan

How about the country singer that was corrupted by the dark side? Darth Brooks...

Then there was the Jedi who liked to pose in womens' clothes: Manakin

[royster]

Thanks, LMM!

Two adolescent droids arguing:

"Your mother's a snow blower!"

"Yeah!? Well, you're a popcorn machine!"

"AM NOT!"

"R 2!"

"AM NOT!"

"R 2!"

[Andrew Brunelle]

Friend: I don't give a ♥♥♥♥♥.
Me: Who wants to receive a ****?

[royster]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

Friend: I don't give a ♥♥♥♥♥.
Me: Who wants to receive a ****?

Good point. Though you hear people say, "I gotta take a ♥♥♥♥♥." Yow. I dunnoh about you, but that alley is ONE WAY, for me.

[Cheese96]

Originally Posted by Jon Tore

You're right.


(Might only be remotely funny to the small percentage of people having played Super Smash Bros on Nintendo 64)

Hahaha, omg. My vest friend calls me Cap'N Falcon. (Cap'N Crunch + Captain Falcon)

Which reminds me, in my business class semester we had to do a cereal box project and one group picked a Captain Falcon theme. Guess what they named it?

Falcon Crunch

I could NOT stop laughing.

[royster]

I would imagine Falcon Punch wouldn't be the same if you made it with kiwi fruit. That just wouldn't fly.

I had a '63 Falcon I punched a few times. I used toothpaste to clean the grill on it. You guessed it: Falcon Crest.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by royster

Good point. Though you hear people say, "I gotta take a ♥♥♥♥♥." Yow. I dunnoh about you, but that alley is ONE WAY, for me.

There's a George Carlin routine on this.

[royster]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

There's a George Carlin routine on this.

TO WIT:

"How come YOUR 'stuff' is stuff, but MY 'stuff' is ♥♥♥♥♥?

[cacheborn]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. ~ G. Marx