The Many Joys Of Jello...and the bathtubs filled with it

[royster]

Bone appetit, Metamusel!

This thread was started as a spoof. Anything is possible here, since in just CREATING the thread, I've made my point. However, it is IMPORTANT to have SOME DEGREE of topic continuity, and thus the following post or two might give some suggestions as to how abstract we might all end up when God hits the Cosmic Blender Button's 'puree' setting.

[royster]

WHOA! GET A LOAD OF THEM JIGGLERS!


YOWZA! Them things are so HOT, the website won't let 'em POST!!!

[royster]

THIS will get yer COOL WHIP CHILLED!!!

YouTube - Witch Hazel Talks Trash

[royster]

From a Google search with the words "Bathtubs Full Of Jello"...
Jell-O is a wonderful substance. Slippery yet sticky, cold yet warming, firm yet yielding. Most people “of a certain age” have a memory of a punk rock party complete with Barbie dolls in a vat of Jell-O. Most people have tried the gooey intoxicant know as the Jell-O shooter. Most people know about Jell-O wrestling, though perhaps far fewer have participated.

We here at ♥♥♥♥♥ Kitty Racing have often longed for our own private Jell-O bath. Being the fun people we know you are, we thought you might like to join in and learn how to create a date night to remember.

This recipe is for thirty-eight gallons of Jell-O which will set up at room temperature. We would also like to point out that for the sake of authenticity we used Jell-O brand, lime flavor. We used a real bathtub in a really tiny city apartment to make sure this all works in the real world. Please excuse our English measurement system; the metric system is so easy we thought it might be condescending to use it.

Jell-O is little more than dyed sugar in suspension, sticks to bloody everything, is very difficult to clean up once it dries, and will stain everything it touches including: skin, hair, the floors, the walls, the stove, the bathtub itself, etc. This is a very messy business, so be prepared for immediate cleanup while the Jell-O is still wet. In the tub, the Jell-O will dissolve by merely running hot water over it straight from the tap. Out of the tub, ye Gods!

Please be aware that this article is for entertainment purposes only, and that anyone foolish enough to try this might actually die slowly and painfully from serious injuries, may break bones or crack skulls, rip tendons or ligaments, etc. Seriously, Jell-O creates very slippery conditions, so be careful.

Before you begin, estimate how much powdered Jell-O you will need. We estimated by swinging a dead cat around in the bathroom and dancing in circles backwards with a tape measure to arrive at the volume formula of: (length of tub) X (width of tub) X (depth of tub) = volume in cubic inches, then converted to gallons using chicken blood in a silver basin under a full moon. 1,000 cubic inches is about 4 1/3 gallons. For the rest of the world, a simple conversion from cubic centimeters to liters will suffice. 24 ounces of powdered Jell-O makes one gallon of delicious dessert. For this project we used slightly less water to result in a thicker product we hoped would set at room temperature.

For a forty gallon tub, we used:

Forty-four 24 ounce packages of Jell-O
Fifteen gallons of ice

[royster]

(Stolen from AskAndrewAnything)

[royster]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card - and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Angela]

I have had this fantasy since I was a teenager, that I would show up as arranged by my lover at a luxurious hotel, dramatically arrange myself on the bed, and he would go to the closet, open the door, and reveal an array of ice creams, jello (especially orange), cool whip, and toppings which would then be used in some particular and specific ways. The man must enjoy the sensation of cold too,, or it won't work So yeah, I feel ya.

[rei]

jello between the toes!

'nuff said

[Andrew Brunelle]

I had a friend who bought tons of jello and filled up a kiddie pool and wrestled women and had women wrestle just for fun. I wasn't there, but from what he told me, it was super wild. I do not envy who had to clean that up.

[royster]

Originally Posted by Angela

I have had this fantasy since I was a teenager, that I would show up as arranged by my lover at a luxurious hotel, dramatically arrange myself on the bed, and he would go to the closet, open the door, and reveal an array of ice creams, jello (especially orange), cool whip, and toppings which would then be used in some particular and specific ways. The man must enjoy the sensation of cold too,, or it won't work So yeah, I feel ya.

Many thanks.

Hey, Angela, I think I saw that you're in Los Angeles. I hail from Gardena, originally. Where abouts are ya?

Growing up, we had lots of fun using names like "Oxnard" and "Temecula" in odd sentences. "Loma Linda" sounds like an overweight telephone kitten.

[royster]

I just took my computer keyboard, held it upside-down and shook it real good. It was amazing the things that fell out.

Not only could I probably put jimmy Hoffa's upper-left quarter back together, there was obviously enough food in there to sustain him/it.

We're pretty certain the rest of ol' Jimmy is FISH FOOD.
Or a goal post. Or both.

But his upper-left side is going to good use.

[royster]

I did not intend to associate Jimmy Hoffa with jello; I appologise if this has caused any consternation of dining preferrences. Furthermore, bathtubs filled with jello may pose a choking hazard for children, and should not be attempted at home; rent a room. Do not tell the night manager your intentions. However, you might invite him/her if they seem interested. You could get a discount, particularly if you use your AAA card. (Does not qualify for 'bonus miles').

Thank you.

disclaimer: This is not a "VOICES" thread. You will HEAR voices if you use the red jello, but only if it has not completely disolved, or the motel has particularly thin walls, which could work to your advantage.

[royster]

Wise cracks
come from
smart asses.

[robcartoons]

[royster]

Thanks for the cool illustration!
Now green Jello in th' tub is a reality.

Hi royster. It appears you haven't posted a new message here in several weeks. Why not take a few moments to ask a question or offer a little advice? Surely there's some problem or challenge you face that this friendly and intelligent community can help you with. And there must be someone here you can help too, if only by offering a few words of encouragement.

Take just a few minutes to give and receive love with your fellow human beings. You'll be glad you did.

Uh...no, I haven't been around. Um...advice...er uhmmm...
Gee; I am not really ready to ask THAT question, and from past experience, few want to hear what I have to say.

So howzabout I just say "howdy, y'all" and mosey on down th' road?

[royster]

Bathtub? Here's a whole CITY of Jello...
Wacky Jello Molds - Food Art Made with Jello Molds - Delish.com

[royster]

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to
spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned round, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he
prepared to leave.

She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summon ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed he court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner
of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00.

The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon.

The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance. The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case.

His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.

However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only
dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote a check immediately.

[royster]

I find it ironically amusing that yesterday people across this continent celebrated "Independence" from England, while British Petroleum continued wreaking havoc on the continent and in its waters...and that the very fireworks used for this celebration had the capacity to blow the northern hemisphere to Kingdom Come...or at least Kingdom Hall. (The one in Pasedena).

[MusicalMatt]

Well of course! There's nothing more American than taking time off of work to watch thousands of dollars disappear into puffs of smoke in a matter of minutes !

[royster]

By jove, I beleive you've GOT it!

(penecilin gets RID of it, I'm told...)


(Downloading SpellChecking, now...)

[royster]

No matter HOW you voted, you might be interested in this gadget.
Obama Bumper Sticker removal kit
YouTube - Obama Bumper Sticker Removal Kit - Available at BSRemoval.com - feat. Brad Stine

[royster]

A little Rush at several decibles might blast these blues away.

"If you choose not to decide ~
you still have made a choice."

It stuns me how many people just don't understand "default".

[royster]

Subject: Only in NY



A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's screwing me."




"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[royster]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease
in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed
plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart
to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he
tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile
of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin
trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I
do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

[Quantum Blue]

A man comes home at the end of the day to the apartment he shares with his very blonde girlfriend and finds her passed out cold in the middle of the living room. She is perspiring heavily because she is bundled up to her neck in two heavy winter parkas. There are empty paint cans and rollers strewn about.

He shakes her awake, and asks, "Honey! What the hell?"

"Oh, sweetie," she responds groggily. "Did you see? I painted the entire place for us!"

He glances around and says, "Yeah, I see that. But why are you wearing all this? It's July!"

She sits up and grabs an empty paint can. She turns it around and shows him: "Well, duh, it says right here 'For best results, apply two coats!'"

[royster]

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT


Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?

My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, It's on the last eight damn passports I've had, It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address.

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@& copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile........Hey, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!


Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor........ WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

And you ******** want to run our health care system?????

[royster]

[royster]

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.



I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.


All the while, Janice is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

[royster]

Watch what this artist does with spray paint.
Impressive spray paint art. [VIDEO]

[royster]

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree.. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:



On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!
That's real POLITICAL SPIN!