Joke of the day!!!

[Nykeshia]

I think everyone should laugh or smile at least once a day Truth be told I don't mind being the person for the job so every day I will post a new joke. If you like it please comment! If not then keep coming back I'm sure I will find one you may really like

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Beuford]

Haha worst day ever.

[Weena]

Excellent

[Nykeshia]

Thanks guys & gals !!
I'm glad you liked it lol!! but remember I'll have one up every day so be sure to come back and check them out

[michejohnson]

Ha Ha.Quite humorous..

The State Mental Hospital

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

[Captain Drywall]

Girl walks into a bar, orders a Harvery Walbanger, gulp . Another! Gulp, Another! Gulp, Another! gulp Another! Soon she passes out, everyman in the bar has his way with her. Next day she walks in, bartender says, Harvery Walbanger? She says "no, they hurt my *****"


tag:

BT says "why were you drinking so much last night?
girl: "i just found out i have aids"

[Nykeshia]

DAY 2 JOKE OUCH! captain that was a good joke in a painful way lol!! here is one you may like (hope so anyway)

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Captain Drywall]

lol those married couples

I knew a couple of young newlyweds man were they shy. So shy in fact they couldn't even say the word sex.. So instead they called it laundry.

One night the young bride gets into bed, yawns, and says " i am so tired, way to tired for.......laundry" The grooms says " no problem i did a load by hand this afternoon"

[Nykeshia]

Day 3 joke (MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY EVERY THING ELSE PEOPLE CELEBRATE TODAY FOR THE BIRTH OF JESUS CHRIST!!!!)



0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Lil Chris]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why, What's it tell you, Tonto?'

It tells me, You dumber than buffalo s**t. It means someone stole the tent.

[spirit4711]

A HR manager dies and finds herself knocking at the Pearly Gates. St Peter opens and says "Welcome! Now we have a small problem. We're not sure if you should be in Heaven or in Hell. So this is what you do: you spend 1 day in Heaven and 1 day in Hell. Afterwards you come to me and you choose where you want to be for Eternity, OK?" "Fine" says the HR manager and she is let into Heaven. What a peaceful environment! She's meeting very friendly people, sings for hours sitting on a cloud and does all kinds of angelic stuff.

When the day is over she meets with St Peter and says: "Well that was great but before I decide to stay I do want to see Hell first." "No problem" St Peter says and she is brought to the gates of Hell. She is warmly welcomed into a nature park and sees lots of her friends having a really good time in a luxurious country club. A big party is thrown for her and she's having the best of times. She even dances with Satan! He looks quite allright to her and is really charming. The music is great, so is the food and the wine and all people are very friendly and entertaining.

The day ends and she is brought back to St Peter who says "Well, what is your decision?" The HR manager thinks for a while and says "Well I really liked Heaven but considering everything Hell is even better so I will go there." "If that is what you want, that is what it's going to be" answers St Peter and again she is brought to Hell.

But what a change! Instead of the beautiful nature, the country club and the party atmosphere with all her friends, she sees desolation, and her friends being tortured by devils! Satan comes to her and she asks: "What happened? Yesterday we had all this fun, and now everything is gone and changed into sadness, pain and desperation?"

Satan smiles diabolically and says: "Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're staff!"

[cacheborn]

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"

[Nykeshia]

I'm so happy that you guys are not only reading the jokes but are really getting involved and posting some really funny jokes thanks guys & gals your making my time here fun THANKS AGAIN!!

DAY 4 : (sorry I swore no blond jokes but this was funny)

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[cacheborn]

Like this one.

an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a new hearing aid that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "You hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "O, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

[rak]

keep it coming guys

[marinik]

Yeah, like we's HR do tha!

Originally Posted by spirit4711

A HR manager dies and finds herself knocking at the Pearly Gates. St Peter opens and says "Welcome! Now we have a small problem. We're not sure if you should be in Heaven or in Hell. So this is what you do: you spend 1 day in Heaven and 1 day in Hell. Afterwards you come to me and you choose where you want to be for Eternity, OK?" "Fine" says the HR manager and she is let into Heaven. What a peaceful environment! She's meeting very friendly people, sings for hours sitting on a cloud and does all kinds of angelic stuff.

When the day is over she meets with St Peter and says: "Well that was great but before I decide to stay I do want to see Hell first." "No problem" St Peter says and she is brought to the gates of Hell. She is warmly welcomed into a nature park and sees lots of her friends having a really good time in a luxurious country club. A big party is thrown for her and she's having the best of times. She even dances with Satan! He looks quite allright to her and is really charming. The music is great, so is the food and the wine and all people are very friendly and entertaining.

The day ends and she is brought back to St Peter who says "Well, what is your decision?" The HR manager thinks for a while and says "Well I really liked Heaven but considering everything Hell is even better so I will go there." "If that is what you want, that is what it's going to be" answers St Peter and again she is brought to Hell.

But what a change! Instead of the beautiful nature, the country club and the party atmosphere with all her friends, she sees desolation, and her friends being tortured by devils! Satan comes to her and she asks: "What happened? Yesterday we had all this fun, and now everything is gone and changed into sadness, pain and desperation?"

Satan smiles diabolically and says: "Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're staff!"

[Nykeshia]

DAY 5

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Nykeshia]

DAY 6

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Nykeshia]

The queen of england and a nurse are walking through an english hospital. They go past a room where they see a guy masturbating.
"My god, this is a government funded hospital. not some sort of whore house!" says the queen.
"no, I assure you, this is a condition the man has," the nurse replies. "His testicles fill with semen so fast that if he doesn't do this every few hours, his testicles will literally explode."
"oh. I'm sorry for that outburst then" says the queen.
A few doors down, they see a nurse giving a guy a BJ.
"Okay! Now what's going on here!?" The queen demands
The nurse says "Same condition, better health plan."

[Captain Drywall]

Obama didnt mention that one.

[marinik]

Pinocchio grew up and realized that Geppetto made made him a square weenie. So he says: "Dad how am I going to do it with the girls with a square one? Please make it round!" Geppetto tied up with work says: "Take some sandpaper from over there and take care of it yourself." After some time he remembers the conversation and asks Pinocchio how was it coming along withe the girls. Pinocchio replies:"Who needs girls! Sandpaper rules!!!"

[Nykeshia]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Nykeshia]

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

[Johnny Skosnik]

The captain of a pirate ship was making his rounds one day. From the lookout crow's nest he hears "Ahoy! Enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his first mate and says "ARRRR! Bring me me red shirt!" The first mate does, the captain puts it on, the ships draw close and a huge battle ensues. Eventually the ship repels the enemies. Afterward the first mate says "Great fighting captain! But why the red shirt?" Captain replies "If I be wounded in combat, me blood won't show up against me red shirt. Me crew will think me healthy, and will fight all the braver!" First mate says "wow, great idea!"

The next day the captain is making his rounds when he hears from the crow's nest "Ahoy! Ten enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain turns to his first mate and says "ARRRR! Bring me me brown pants!"

[Johnny Skosnik]

Quick hits:

• A man and his clone were walking along a cliff. Clone starts swearing up a storm. Outraged, the man throws him off the cliff. Police arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.
• A flasher was considering retirement. He decided to stick it out another year.
• Two fish are in a tank. One says "you drive, I'll operate the turret!"
• A termite walks into a bar and asks "where's the bar tender?"
• Did you hear about the midget psychic escaping from prison? He was a small medium at large.

[MikeyJaii]

Good jokes I'm liking all of them

[Nykeshia]

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!! DAY 10
(no this is not a new years joke. To cliche lol!!)

The bride tells her husbandThe bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[Nykeshia]

Originally Posted by MikeyJaii

Good jokes I'm liking all of them

THANKS!! I'm glade the "peoples likes" LOL!!

[Ravmar]

"Did you hear about that actress who was stabbed?"

"No! Who?"

"I think her name was Reese ... something"

"Witherspoon?"

"No, with a knife!"

(You can do this in real life, they practically always say "Witherspoon?")

[Nykeshia]

Originally Posted by Ravmar

"Did you hear about that actress who was stabbed?"

"No! Who?"

"I think her name was Reese ... something"

"Witherspoon?"

"No, with a knife!"

(You can do this in real life, they practically always say "Witherspoon?")

LOL! the sad thing is so did I lol!! try this on your friends. just tell them it's a riddle and they have to say it out loud to get it....

I'M RE TODD ED
I'M SOFA KING RE TODD ED

or

I MULA MA CHIN