children's poem

[Shyone]

What do you think of my children's poem?


Under the sky, on the ground in a park, lies a man, with a watch, and a dog he calls Scotch.

The man is not special, not washed, and not kind, and many would say he is not very refined.

The watch is not shiny, not nice and not new, and it needs to be held together by a big piece of glue.

The dog is not clean, not young and not cut, people might laugh and call the dog “mutt”.

Others do walk with their heads held up high, a quick glance at the group, and they let out a sigh.

You can say that the three have seen better days, but believe or not, they were once worthy of praise.

10 years to the day, they were here in this spot, the man, and the watch, and the dog he called Scotch.

The man was washed, the dog was new, and the watch wasn’t held together by a big piece of glue.

Others walked by then, in much the same way, except it was different 10 years to the day. They looked, not glanced and smiled, not sighed. They liked the man, the watch and the dog.

[Annabelle]

It is difficult for me to comment on poetry in English, but I think your poem talks about a difficult subject (homeless people) in a tender and nice way.

[Niamh]

You paint a good picture. However, I'm not so sure about the amount of negatives used (at least for a children's poem.) There might be too many. *shrugs* That's just my personal preference.
Anyways, if I may offer a few suggestions...

Originally Posted by Shyone

What do you think of my children's poem?


Under the sky, on the ground in a park, lies a man, with a watch, and a dog he calls Scotch.
Under the sky, on the ground of a park,
lies a man with a watch, and a dog he calls Scotch

The man is not special, not washed, and not kind, and many would say he is not very refined.
Do you really want to say that the man is not special? Maybe he just doesn't seem special... Try something else, like...
He seems an un-special man (or something like that ), not washed and not kind (unwashed and unkind?)
and many would say he is not very refined

The watch is not shiny, not nice and not new,
and it needs to be held together by a big piece of glue.

The dog is not clean, not young and not cut,
people might laugh and call the dog “mutt”.

Others do walk with their heads held up high,
a quick glance at the group, and they let out a sigh.
a quick glance at them, and they let out a sigh.


You can say that the three have seen better days,
but believe or not, they were once worthy of praise.
but believe it or not, they had once received praise.
(Why are they not worthy now?)

10 years to the day, they were here in this spot,
the man, and the watch, and the dog he called Scotch.

The man was washed, the dog was new,
(The dog was new? Do you mean young? It's another dog right?) Maybe...
The man was washed, the dog was a pup,
and there was no glue needed for the wrist tick-tock. (lol I have no idea, but I see why you wanted "new" with "glue")
and the watch wasn’t held together by a big piece of glue.

Others walked by then (them or then?) in much the same way,
except it was different 10 years to the day.
They looked, not glanced and smiled, not sighed.
They looked, not glanced; they smiled, not sighed.
They liked the man, the watch and the dog.

Feel free to blatantly ignore me. It's just that I like poems so much...

[dali]

I really like your poem and am going to show it to my niece to see what she thinks of it. Kids tend not to look down their noses at the less fortunate though. It might be better addressed to a wider audience- one that includes grown ups!!

keep it up!!