Marriage Jokes - Filtered

[PerDev]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same

thing.
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Husband: Don’t put that money in your mouth. There are germs on it.
Wife: Don’t be silly. Even a germ can’t live on the money you make.



Married life is boring. The first year of marriage, the husband does the
talking and the wife

listens. The second year, the wife talks and the husband listen. And,
finally, starting the

third year, they both talk and the neighbors do the listening.
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A married woman has a lover. It’s no secret, her husband and all there
friends know about it.

One day, the woman suddenly dies. At the funeral, to the embarrassment of
all, the boyfriend

is there and is crying hysterically. Finally, the husband can't take anymore
of it. He

approaches the man, puts his arms around him and says "Please don't carry on
like this. I'll

marry again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the
subject of marriage

counseling came up."Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great
relationship,"

the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored
in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."
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A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She
called the obituary

department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man
at the newspaper

said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered,
"OK. Then print:

Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

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After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to
marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for
performing the ceremony.

However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time
for the groom to

kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be
paid. He pulls

the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's
beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you
may now kiss the

bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the
groom to kiss her.

As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and
promptly hand the groom

four dollars and fifty cents.
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A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the
party everybody wanted

to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The
husband responded

"When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the
major decisions and

my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we
have never needed

to make a major decision."
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The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:
-- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to
get inside,

closes her door behind her
-- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get
in
-- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens
it.
-- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and
says "Aren't you

getting in?"

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Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The
first man said "I

died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis". The third
man said "I died of

seenus". The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said
"No, I mean seenus.

I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
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Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

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“Now, that looks like a happily married couple.” Remarks the husband.
“Don’t be too sure, my Dear. They are probable saying the same thing about
us.” Replied his

wife.
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A posted in a couples home ...."I am the boss of the house...I have my
wife's permission to

say so!!!"

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Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

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A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked
what their secret was

to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight
dinner, soft music

and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."

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A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring
home to meet my

parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone
whos' just like your

mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't
like."
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A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems. The
fighting and

bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout
and told them he

was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.

“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy… here’s what I
want you to do. I

want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30
days call me and

let me know how things are going.”

John agreed.

At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited.
“I did just as you

said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.

“Great!” replied the counselor, “ And how’s your wife?”

John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m
300 miles from

home!”
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A couple are reading the paper, the wife says: This article on
overpopulation of the world

says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four
seconds! Her

husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that
woman and stop her!
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A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, Honey, pack
your bags. I won

the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the
ocean, or should I pack

for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get out!"
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Harry and Esther are out shopping one morning when
Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday
tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she
would like something electric."

Harry replies, "How about a chair?"
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