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| Fun & Recreation Travel, vacationing, enjoying life, pleasurable experiences, adventure, games, jokes, humorous stories |
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02-01-2008, 06:30 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: The Darkness / The Never
Posts: 1,673
 |  Poem: Struggle
I havn't written a poem in about three or four months, so I thought I should write another one and this is what I came up with. Feedback, and ego stroking welcome. Struggle Wake me up, before I die. Staring, awkwardly to the sky, lying there, hold me close. As I stare; comatose. Sleep so long. It feels so wrong. My soul's undone, I cry for fun. Red drops of liquid eternity, life force flowing. My life force, going. My life force, slowing. Dead eyes staring at a world unreal. Dead heart beating, the blood; my seal. Your soul is lost, to the Forever Forge. One last time I cry. I can feel it. My life force flowing, going. Slowing. Gone. One last time, I live the lie. I watch you rise, and then you die. To put it in context, its about a couple, and the man is in a Coma. The wife is sad, and its like a conversation between them. If you get what I mean. Last edited by Akashic_Librarian; 02-02-2008 at 07:15 AM. |
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02-02-2008, 03:42 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,218
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I enjoyed it very much. And yes i got he was in a coma. Your last stanza definitely flows the best i would suggest changing "I cry just for fun. " to I cry for fun simply because it fits with the syllable counts better and makes it flow smoother. Very nice.. sad tho Adrienne  |
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02-03-2008, 03:51 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 50
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Let me argue a bit. Perhaps, I'm just envious, because, when I wanted to post some poems and stories with a taste of bitterness, I just didn't do it. Here is why: Look at the section's name. "Fun & Recreation - Travel, vacationing, enjoying life, pleasurable experiences, adventure, games, jokes, humorous stories" Now, Akashic_Librarian, where is fun in your poem? Where is humor? Where are jokes? Pleasurable experiences maybe? I label your post "offtopic". Good poem, btw  |
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02-03-2008, 06:10 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,090
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Akashic, this poem definitely suggests someone struggling to find themselves and their purpose. It's a brilliant expression depicting the pain one agonizes with when trying to define one's existence. Nietzsche and Sartre would be proud! |
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