Poem: Struggle

[Akashic_Librarian]

I havn't written a poem in about three or four months, so I thought I should write another one and this is what I came up with. Feedback, and ego stroking welcome.

Struggle

Wake me up, before I die.
Staring, awkwardly to the sky,
lying there, hold me close.
As I stare; comatose.

Sleep so long.
It feels so wrong.
My soul's undone,
I cry for fun.

Red drops of liquid eternity,
life force flowing.
My life force, going.
My life force, slowing.

Dead eyes staring at a world unreal.
Dead heart beating, the blood; my seal.
Your soul is lost, to the Forever Forge.
One last time I cry.

I can feel it.
My life force flowing,
going. Slowing.
Gone.

One last time, I live the lie.
I watch you rise,
and then
you die.

To put it in context, its about a couple, and the man is in a Coma. The wife is sad, and its like a conversation between them. If you get what I mean.

[Adrienne]

I enjoyed it very much. And yes i got he was in a coma.
Your last stanza definitely flows the best

i would suggest changing "I cry just for fun. " to I cry for fun simply because it fits with the syllable counts better and makes it flow smoother.

Very nice.. sad tho
Adrienne

[Akashic_Librarian]

Thanks Adrienne, it does sound better!

[Herbalist]

Let me argue a bit. Perhaps, I'm just envious, because, when I wanted to post some poems and stories with a taste of bitterness, I just didn't do it. Here is why:

Look at the section's name.

"Fun & Recreation - Travel, vacationing, enjoying life, pleasurable experiences, adventure, games, jokes, humorous stories"

Now, Akashic_Librarian, where is fun in your poem?
Where is humor? Where are jokes? Pleasurable experiences maybe?

I label your post "offtopic".

Good poem, btw

[ZHereford]

Akashic, this poem definitely suggests someone struggling to find themselves and their purpose.

It's a brilliant expression depicting the pain one agonizes with when trying to define one's existence. Nietzsche and Sartre would be proud!

[Akashic_Librarian]

haha Herbalist, its recreational

You should see some of my other stuff...yeesh.

And thanks Z

[Rose of Cairo]

I liked it very much! Beautiful.