http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/ Social skills, friends, dating, sex, seduction, monogamy, polyamory, marriage, alternative relationships, soul mates, parenting, children, family life, education en Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:30:25 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/ http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39656-worst-cheating-story.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:59:45 GMT Hello all,

This is the first time I have posted anything here. I have been a fan of Steve Pavlina and what he says for awhile now. I just now have had the courage to register for the forums and post. I have read alot of stuff here. I reall appreciate the wisdom and intelligence this community has to offer. This is the reason I am posting my ordeal over the past year. Try and have patience. I will try and get almost everything out in one post. I only have 30 minutes here on lunch.

I have been married for 11 years now. I have 2 children 6 and 10 years of age. I have been loyal and responsible during my marriage. I have never drank or smoked or put my family in any compromising position(s). I am not holier than thou....so dont assume that. Everyone has flaws. I know this. Here it goes.

I found out my wife was chaeting on me in December of 2008. I found out by having her Blackberry in my hand while I was trying to check the time. The Blackberryturned on and it went straight to a IM message on Yahoo. It said "How are you?". I showed her and asked her what it was all about. She tried grabbing the phone from me and told me she didnt know. She said to give her the phone frantically. In this process the phone shut down again and that info was gone. She then proceded on telling me that it was probably from the old user because she sent her original phone out to be fixed from water damage and they sent her this one. I didnt buy it. I caught her.

To make this story alittle shorter. It turns out that she has been chatting with numerous guys for over 8 months. I should have known something was wrong when she needed to sleep with the phone by her side at all times. But I was trusting of her. If I dont trust her, I felt i was doing a disservice...and so I had to trust her. She told me that she met them through Craig's List. She put out an ad about how she just wants sex and that she loves a guy in uniform...especially COPS...etc. To make another long story short she met up with about 7 of these guys...she claims....and had sex with them..wentto the lake and gave a blowjob to someone she never met.....she carried on a sexual relationship with a cop for 6 months......she even brought 3 to our house. She eventually gave me her password for the Yahoo account....and over a period of 5 months....I had a total of over 30 guys that would write and IM her when I logged on to the account. I still pretended to be her. The majority of them was saying they wanna hook up again......when are we going to f*ck.......when can I come over......etc. Then I found out that her ex from 12 years ago was also in the picture. She went and had sex with him...again. This is the 3rd time she has cheated on me with him over the 13 years we have been together. Once while we were engaged...once after about 3 years of marriage....and now. She also slept with one of my supposed friends 3 years ago. She just admitted this now that I asked her for all the truths about cheating when I found out in December of 2008. What I forgot to mention was that prior to me finding all this out...our 10 year wedding anniversary was in August 2008. I felt something wasnt right with our marriage...so I sat her down and asked her if she was still happy with our marriage and wanted to still move forward. She told me yes.....and I bought her a 10 year anniversary ring worth $4,000. She always wanted this....so I got it for her. We renewed our wedding vows in a church that day....and everything seemed fine. We dont have much money and are always in debt because she likes to overspend. That is partially my fault for allowing it....but I was scared to lose her if I didnt allow it. I know, my fault again. But I had a secret from her....I play online poker and won $20,000....and never told her.....we were drowning in her debt......and after I found out what she did ....I had a decision to make....leave her and start a new life with $20,000 or pay off everything and move forward. I decided to give her another chance and payed everything off.....which left us at a $0 balance and fresh start. I was and still am having a hard time dealing with all this.....but now shes telling me shes at a point where she needs to "find herself"......and doesnt know if she wants to be with me....WTF?!.....what more can I do to uphold my oath to God and or keep the family together for the kids sake of being raised with 2 parents. She is a beautiful woman......and I love her......but I seem to be going crazy now.....If I let her go....I know she will turn into a slut....be abused...taken advantage of...etc......and then the kids will be raised with the majority of their time with her....and she is never leading a good example of how to properly parent. I am fearful the kids will grow up with that and there lives will be ruined to a certain extent. Then ill feel the burden of failing them.......There is much more to the story......just ask questions...im running out of time to write.......please feel free to comment and maybe guide me......The probalem is I cant support myself if she leaves...i would have to pay child support.....I make $40,000....but my job is looking like it will be outsourced...what to do?! ]]> JRMR802 http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39656-worst-cheating-story.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39652-no-argument-relationship.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:42:30 GMT Originally article posted here: The No Argument Relationship? (http://productivityking.com/the-no-argument-relationship/) Arguments are almost seemingly inevitable in a relationship, so how is it possible to have a no argument relationship? First off, let’s define an argument. In my opinion, there is a dramatic difference between an argument and a disagreement. A disagreement is an issue at hand that the two sides don’t see eye to eye on. An argument is when it escalates and personal attacks arise. For example, if there is an issue about who should wash the dishes tonight, that’s a disagreement. When one starts to point fingers and blame the other for never washing the dishes, that’s an argument. What we can try to do is not avoid all arguments, but rather prevent them as best as we can. If we follow the three tools below for a healthy relationships, we can provide the majority of bickering. The rest aren’t arguments anymore, they are just mere disagreements that have escalated to another level. So, without further ado, here’s what I recommend for the healthiest relationships you can muster. Complete Communication – complete and utter communication about any little thing that bothers you. Yes, this means ANYTHING. If you get a slight hint of jealousy when a girl talks to your boyfriend, TALK to him about it. What this does is eliminate any issues and harsh feelings at their most primitive level, thus preventing them from ever escalating and becoming bigger problems. It doesn’t matter how small the problem is. If you look at any argument, 90% of the time the issue was really something “small” to begin with! Don’t let negative emotions get the best of you, destroy them when you can! Set Up Your 3 Rules – my girlfriend and I have come to realize that whenever any personal attacks come up in our relationship, it is purely because we seek attention and love from the other person. The attacks are just our emotion’s way of forcing it out by feeling pain. So, whenever we feel like we do seek attention and appreciation, we focus on the three rules: 1) You are their first priority 2) They would never do anything to intentionally hurt you 3) Relationship is about giving. The “science” behind this is rather interesting, but basically here are the explanations for why we chose these three rules. The first one ensures us that we are indeed loved and that there is no worry or concern. The second explains to us that whatever wrong the other has done, it was probably to protect or benefit themselves, but not to directly hurt us. The third rule asks us why we are having these thoughts in the first place, especially if giving is the first concern! Make it a habit to remember these three rules whenever negative emotions come up! Do The Work – for those who don’t already know, the Work is a cognitive-behavioral therapy tool that is used to reverse negative thoughts. It runs you through a series of questions that enables you to get back to reality and realize that those thoughts have no basis or substance. The four questions are: 1) Is it true? 2) If no, can you absolutely know it’s true? 3) How do you react when you believe this? 4) Who would you be without this thought? For more information, visit www.thework.com In the end, realize that you CHOOSE to be in a relationship. You never have to have those fights; you never have to be in pain! A relationship’s focus should be on sharing as much as you can with the other person, and should be a source of constant happiness and joy. When it is not, then it should be examined and analyzed to prevent future problems. Originally article posted here: The No Argument Relationship?

Arguments are almost seemingly inevitable in a relationship, so how is it possible to have a no argument relationship? First off, let’s define an argument. In my opinion, there is a dramatic difference between an argument and a disagreement. A disagreement is an issue at hand that the two sides don’t see eye to eye on. An argument is when it escalates and personal attacks arise. For example, if there is an issue about who should wash the dishes tonight, that’s a disagreement. When one starts to point fingers and blame the other for never washing the dishes, that’s an argument.

What we can try to do is not avoid all arguments, but rather prevent them as best as we can. If we follow the three tools below for a healthy relationships, we can provide the majority of bickering. The rest aren’t arguments anymore, they are just mere disagreements that have escalated to another level. So, without further ado, here’s what I recommend for the healthiest relationships you can muster.

Complete Communication – complete and utter communication about any little thing that bothers you. Yes, this means ANYTHING. If you get a slight hint of jealousy when a girl talks to your boyfriend, TALK to him about it. What this does is eliminate any issues and harsh feelings at their most primitive level, thus preventing them from ever escalating and becoming bigger problems. It doesn’t matter how small the problem is. If you look at any argument, 90% of the time the issue was really something “small” to begin with! Don’t let negative emotions get the best of you, destroy them when you can!

Set Up Your 3 Rules – my girlfriend and I have come to realize that whenever any personal attacks come up in our relationship, it is purely because we seek attention and love from the other person. The attacks are just our emotion’s way of forcing it out by feeling pain. So, whenever we feel like we do seek attention and appreciation, we focus on the three rules: 1) You are their first priority 2) They would never do anything to intentionally hurt you 3) Relationship is about giving.

The “science” behind this is rather interesting, but basically here are the explanations for why we chose these three rules. The first one ensures us that we are indeed loved and that there is no worry or concern. The second explains to us that whatever wrong the other has done, it was probably to protect or benefit themselves, but not to directly hurt us. The third rule asks us why we are having these thoughts in the first place, especially if giving is the first concern! Make it a habit to remember these three rules whenever negative emotions come up!

Do The Work – for those who don’t already know, the Work is a cognitive-behavioral therapy tool that is used to reverse negative thoughts. It runs you through a series of questions that enables you to get back to reality and realize that those thoughts have no basis or substance. The four questions are:

1) Is it true?
2) If no, can you absolutely know it’s true?
3) How do you react when you believe this?
4) Who would you be without this thought?

For more information, visit www.thework.com

In the end, realize that you CHOOSE to be in a relationship. You never have to have those fights; you never have to be in pain! A relationship’s focus should be on sharing as much as you can with the other person, and should be a source of constant happiness and joy. When it is not, then it should be examined and analyzed to prevent future problems. ]]> craftyjake http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39652-no-argument-relationship.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39631-labioplasty-cosmetic-surgery-obsession-gone-mad-adult.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 04:35:56 GMT I had no idea how common this procedure is becoming and I find really quite sad. What is the deal with this obsession around having a prepubescent looking vulva? Don't members of the opposite sex, or if same sex inclined, want to make love with a woman in her all sexy natural womanliness? Fine, we all prefer different haircuts or whatever, but at the end of the day, isn't that what makes a woman beautiful? Isn't a bit of hair womanly, sexy? Isn't the fact that we all come in different shapes and sizes what makes us unique and attractive in all our uniqueness? This is the female body people! Why are we trying to change it?

Here's the link for more info:
designer vaginas | labioplasty | raunch culture

What do you think? ]]> Gracestars http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39631-labioplasty-cosmetic-surgery-obsession-gone-mad-adult.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39601-could-my-ex-girlfriend-gay-adult-explicit.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:31:04 GMT Apologies for the slightly sensationalist subject heading, and I realize that I'm likely to get a lot of responses, so again I apologize if my replies slow down.

I'm not in a great place right now so I may decide that I just can't face responding any more. However, I am interested in peoples take on my situation

About 6 months ago my girlfriend confided in me that she thought that she might be gay. She said she's had no sexual thoughts about women, she did recognize an attractive woman when she saw one, continued to fancy men, but there was just 'something there'. She felt sure that she wasn't completely straight and these feelings manifested themselves as (in her words) 'anxiety'

Another part of the back story is that her Aunt, in her late 40's after 2 kids and happy marriage became involved with another woman from her tennis club. She's now a Lesbian. The prospect of being this kinda 'sleeper lesbian' is a cause for my gf's concern, but is not the root of her confusion. She still doesn't know WHY she feels that she may not be straight

Well after confiding in me she started seeing a counsellor, but hadn't been making much progress in discovering her sexual feelings toward women. We spoke about it a fair amount at first but with less frequency as time went on. I did ask her regularly how her sessions were going - she was often disheartened by the lack of progress

Meanwhile our relationship went from strength to strength and so did our sex lives. We often discussed how we thought we were very good for each other, and how great it was to have our relationship develop. None of this was false or over compensating. I am 100% certain that what she said was how she felt

Anyway, she's since ended our relationship, because in a strange twist of logic (that I do understand...I think) she so into me that to tackle her issues surrounding her sexuality feels like she's cheating, which then prevents her from looking harder, and dismissing any thoughts that may lead her to the conclusion that she's not straight.

THE EVIDENCE:

Ok, all I want really, is people's opinion on whether she could in fact be gay. Now I know there is a possibility that she's bisexual. Why? Because anyone could be... I could be. Also YES I do realise that actually it's her opinion that matters and no other, but please help me get my head around this

My GF has never been just a willing participant in our sex lives. She has (had :( ) very specific things that she like to do to me, and me do to her. We liked the variety of animal/porn sex and intimate loving 'look into their eyes' sex.

She always came. Talking dirty always quickened the process (not that we ever rushed). Felating me was also a huge turn on for her. She has a passionate attraction to the tops of my legs. I wear tight short style briefs and she loved to kiss my thighs where those stopped.

On a few occasions we would get a little carried away, and comfortable in each others company spontaneously try something new. Once, without pre-planning I rubbed her nipple with my penis - it was incredibly surprising for both of us just how much we enjoyed it. Later, she told me how she kept thinking about this at work.

She wakes a LOT earlier than I do. At weekends when she would stay over and would often wake me to tell me some fantasy she had that morning... invariably leading to sex. Definatley instigated by her - I'm not good in the mornings

Often she would tell me that I was gorgeous, rubbing my shoulders in a way that I always interpreted as an attraction to my masculinity... my muscles. Her eye's would narrow and her breathing deepen.

Jeez, the more I write, the more I'm convinced that I'm more likely to be gay than she is. I jest

SO:

Is it possible?

Is it likely? ]]> shavenraver http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39601-could-my-ex-girlfriend-gay-adult-explicit.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39590-how-do-i-deal-my-inconsiderate-apartment-mate.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:02:09 GMT i need replies fast! i have to talk to her about it tomorrow...

here's the deal: there are 5 of us living together (all females) and my roomate insist that we keep the heat low (at 70). but my room is FREEZING (to the point that i have to wear a fleece jacket to sleep and socks (i hate northeastern weather). anyway, the thing is this past summer i was huuugely accomodating to her...she wanted the AC on at 70 degrees, and froze my butt off all summer. (again, i wore a fleece jacket and socks to sleep), i was sick for two freaking months, and still we kept the AC on at such a low temp. now, in the fall/winter...i want to keep the heat on at 72 degrees and she insists she can't sleep at that temp (which is ridiculous bc in the early fall we didn't have the heat or AC on and it was 72 inside or even 75 and she was fine with it.

ugh, what gives? i think i'll have trouble talking in a calm manner tomorrow... ]]> lightthecandle http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39590-how-do-i-deal-my-inconsiderate-apartment-mate.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39584-my-boyfriend-thinks-another-girl-prettier-than-me.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:57:01 GMT My boyfriend and I got in an argument because he asked a favor that I could have done for him from a new friend (female) and I felt jealous and expressed in to him (in an irritated manner).

During the resolution of this argument, he told me I was jealous not because of the favor, but because "you think she's prettier than you, and she is prettier than you." Yes, I believe there is some truth in this argument, although I wouldn't say her "prettiness" is not objectively greater than mine. She mostly has very large breasts to rely on.

I don't think it's too unreasonable for me to feel threatened by my boyfriend asking favors from pretty girls he just met.

This really hurts my feelings because he never tells me I'm pretty or beautiful. It makes me wonder if he is even attracted to me sometimes. He tells me that he likes big breasts and I am barely a B cup. ]]> Betsy http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39584-my-boyfriend-thinks-another-girl-prettier-than-me.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39582-not-wanting-more-lovers.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:55:34 GMT Sparked by Steve’s focus on relationships at the beginning of this year, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and research about what relationships mean to me (yeah yeah I’m easily manipulatable...). It’s been an interesting year. Since it’s a topic I’ve never really thought much about before, I’ve definitely grown in unexpected ways. With nearly two decades of solidly-monogamous marriage under my belt I probably had a level 5 in relationships before, but with just a lot of studying (and a little discussion) over the past year I’m now at least a level 7. :) (My Empathy stats went up a couple points too when I leveled-up, it was pretty cool.) So. I’ve begun haunting a few relationship-related fora like girlsaskguys.com and livejournal’s polyamory area, and have been running across ideas that stretched my mind. A good thing mind you, but I’m still dealing with the stretch marks. For example: I was honestly shocked by some posts by guys whose wives/girlfriends came to them asking for a more open relationship. Not shocked that it was the women who wanted the poly/swinging relationship since some women surely want that, but rather that the guys were posting in the forum because they were dismayed at the idea and wanted to know how they should deal with it. This awful spectre of being offered the freedom to go and date other women while still nurturing their original relationship. As you might guess from my phrasing there, I find this attitude...well, incomprehensible. Not that I think guys shouldn’t think that way, but just that I never would have guessed that there were guys that did. You don’t want to have other girlfriends? No matter how deeply you love your wife, you aren’t champing at the bit? Really? Seriously? Looking at my own personality, I naively assumed that all guys were by definition basically like me in that they’d jump at the opportunity, however unlikely. In all honesty (remembering that I’ve thought about this over a number of months), if my wife came up to me and said, “Honey... there’s this other man I’d like to sleep with on the side if that’s all right with you...” my reflexive reaction would be, “Sweet! Does that mean I get to sleep with other women?! Oh, and I’d also like to meet your boyfriend if you could arrange that for me. Get to know him or whatever. Have fun! Get STI tests first! I love you!” I mean, my mind just works that way. More love == good. More sex + intelligent precautions == good. Whether I’m in a particular bed or not == not so relevant. I realize that a non-trivial percentage of guys have trouble with the whole “_My_ woman? Sleeping with someone else? Ew!” issue -- that’s no surprise. I just seem to lack that particular dynamic for whatever reason. But the idea that there are guys that don’t want other women, that wouldn’t love it if there were some way to introduce new people into their current relationship without screwing up that relationship, just blew my mind. It was like, “Man, there really IS diversity out there in the world!” So what am I asking? I guess... Are any of that type of guy here? How does that idea work for you? What’s going on in your mind/emotions that makes you not want at least one more girlfriend? Diversity in opinion and desire is cool, IDIC and all that, but I’m still just left gaping at the idea. I want to level up my Relationships stat to level 8, so I think I have to wrap my mind around these things... Sparked by Steve’s focus on relationships at the beginning of this year, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and research about what relationships mean to me (yeah yeah I’m easily manipulatable...). It’s been an interesting year. Since it’s a topic I’ve never really thought much about before, I’ve definitely grown in unexpected ways. With nearly two decades of solidly-monogamous marriage under my belt I probably had a level 5 in relationships before, but with just a lot of studying (and a little discussion) over the past year I’m now at least a level 7. :) (My Empathy stats went up a couple points too when I leveled-up, it was pretty cool.)

So. I’ve begun haunting a few relationship-related fora like girlsaskguys.com and livejournal’s polyamory area, and have been running across ideas that stretched my mind. A good thing mind you, but I’m still dealing with the stretch marks.


For example: I was honestly shocked by some posts by guys whose wives/girlfriends came to them asking for a more open relationship. Not shocked that it was the women who wanted the poly/swinging relationship since some women surely want that, but rather that the guys were posting in the forum because they were dismayed at the idea and wanted to know how they should deal with it. This awful spectre of being offered the freedom to go and date other women while still nurturing their original relationship.

As you might guess from my phrasing there, I find this attitude...well, incomprehensible. Not that I think guys shouldn’t think that way, but just that I never would have guessed that there were guys that did. You don’t want to have other girlfriends? No matter how deeply you love your wife, you aren’t champing at the bit? Really? Seriously?

Looking at my own personality, I naively assumed that all guys were by definition basically like me in that they’d jump at the opportunity, however unlikely. In all honesty (remembering that I’ve thought about this over a number of months), if my wife came up to me and said, “Honey... there’s this other man I’d like to sleep with on the side if that’s all right with you...” my reflexive reaction would be, “Sweet! Does that mean I get to sleep with other women?! Oh, and I’d also like to meet your boyfriend if you could arrange that for me. Get to know him or whatever. Have fun! Get STI tests first! I love you!” I mean, my mind just works that way. More love == good. More sex + intelligent precautions == good. Whether I’m in a particular bed or not == not so relevant.

I realize that a non-trivial percentage of guys have trouble with the whole “My woman? Sleeping with someone else? Ew!” issue -- that’s no surprise. I just seem to lack that particular dynamic for whatever reason. But the idea that there are guys that don’t want other women, that wouldn’t love it if there were some way to introduce new people into their current relationship without screwing up that relationship, just blew my mind.

It was like, “Man, there really IS diversity out there in the world!”


So what am I asking? I guess... Are any of that type of guy here? How does that idea work for you? What’s going on in your mind/emotions that makes you not want at least one more girlfriend? Diversity in opinion and desire is cool, IDIC and all that, but I’m still just left gaping at the idea.

I want to level up my Relationships stat to level 8, so I think I have to wrap my mind around these things... ]]> Snorkledorf http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39582-not-wanting-more-lovers.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39580-lonely-depressed-just-about-ready-give-up-altogether-semi-long.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 01:03:17 GMT I'm a 21 y/o guy w/ no close friends and never had a GF. And I am constantly depressed because of this. I am a Computer Science student right now entering my fourth and last year. I still live at home and work a PT job to cover my gas and basic expenses. I find myself in quite a predicament:

- All the people from high school are gone (moved far away, etc)
- The area of town I live in is mostly older people (30-40+)
- The area of town I live in has like no girls!!!! :mad:
- My school's population consists of mostly people in their 30's who are just coming back to school for a raise/career change/etc, there are like no girls around my age range either at this school (private college)
- I have one year of school left and about $30K in student loans looming shortly after graduation, and I don't really know where to begin looking for employment, I have like no contacts. Getting employed is SUCH an uphill battle if you are shy it's ridiculous.

I feel really bad because these are supposed to be the "best years" and yet i feel as if I am wasting them and failing MISERABLY =(

Here's my problem:

I don't want to be lonely, but at the same time I don't know where to start. I find that I have a lot of acquaintences around school, but they are mostly older people and we have little in common. I also have a REALLY hard time w/ small talk, for example if I am talking in a group I usually feel fine, but one-on-one conversation I just choke and fall apart. In most conversations w/ people other than my immediate family, I rely HEAVILY on the other person to "carry" the conversation.

When talking one-on-one, people quickly catch on to my nervousness and I know it makes them uncomfortable. This in turn makes me MORE nervous and I behave more nervously, which causes more ackwardness, sort of like a cycle. Some people have told me I'm too "serious", but really what do you expect after being alone for 5-6+ years? It gets to you, it really does, eats at you from the inside, sucks the emotions out of you.

The last time I had a geniune "I'm happy" smile on my face was probably when I was 11 y/o if you can believe that. Sad I know.

I am doing great in my program and have a new car (2007 Jeep), but I feel so empty at heart, life is so ..... empty without people. I've come to the realization that it's the PEOPLE in life that matter, not the material possessions you may have at any given time.

Any ideas? I've wasted 3 years, I got 1 year of college left, I want to make the most of it.

Oh and ... thank you for reading this, I needed to get this off my chest :) ]]> trogdor005 http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39580-lonely-depressed-just-about-ready-give-up-altogether-semi-long.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39550-gossip-bad.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:05:43 GMT Do you think gossip is bad? or its just false and disempowering belief ? What do you think guys? Do you think gossip is bad?
or its just false and disempowering belief ?
What do you think guys? ]]> PerDev http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39550-gossip-bad.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39537-i-figured-out-why-men-cheat.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:09:21 GMT After reading Steve Pavlina's blog, "Intimacy Abundance and Label-Free Relationships," I came to a realization. Women want to know why men cheat. Here is the answer: Men cheat because deep down we want to be polyamorous. We want to experience intimacy with more than one woman. Many women are not ok with this. They won't involve themselves with a man who can't commit themselves to only one woman. Now the man has a few options. He can:

A) Respect the woman's decision, leave her, and look for partners who are ok with a polyamorous lifestyle

B) Commit to a one on one relationship and stay faithful

C) Commit to a one on one relationship and "cheat"

Many men choose C. Why? Because we know that there are very few women who are comfortable with a polyamorous relationship. Finding compatible partners who believe in polyamory is hard. The quality of women significantly diminshes. Because of this, men adapt. They go with the program and become the boyfriend or husband of a woman whom they care for while secretly satisfying their desires.

And that's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ]]> amj http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39537-i-figured-out-why-men-cheat.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39522-cannot-stand-friend-s-husband.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:46:25 GMT I have been trying to build my social network, pretty much from scratch (after breaking up with my ex) and it's been going quite well. I became friends with a girl who took my former job - she is fantastic and she has a lovely daughter (we have known each other for a few months now). She was kind enough to invite me to her house, meet her daughter and her husband.
They were very hospitable and made a lovely dinner. I wanted to get to know her husband better and we started talking. And then there was a flood of negativity - Canadians are this and that, and I am so smart and my boss is an idiot and all that. I haven't heard so much negativity in my life. He kept on going on and on, about the religion, homosexuals, etc. When I told him that what he was saying was very negative and if he doesn't like Canada all that much, he is welcome to go home to his country. To top all that, unfunny jokes of "I will kill you" are just over the top. My friend on the other hand, was telling me that he usually doesn't behave that way and he is a nice person.

I don't want to assume anything just because I met him once, but I really don't want to meet with him again, let alone to invite him to my house.

Now I was stupid enough to say that I'd like to return the favour at my place. My friend says that her husband works that weekend.

I don't think it's a good idea to ask her to come just with her daughter. It's not my place to judge, but it's hard for me to break that very negative first impression, especially when it took me two years to get out of a very negative place myself.

I'm not sure how to handle the situation. She is amazing and I'd love to stay friends, but not sure if it's even possible.

Any ideas??? Thank you. ]]> SenoritaBonita http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39522-cannot-stand-friend-s-husband.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39516-making-friends.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:39:06 GMT I am a 19 year old male in college. All throughout my life, I've had a hard time making friends. I've had friends in elementary and high school, but none I actually hang out with outside of school. I feel lonely, I am a shy person, and I tend to stay away from social events and avoid people, which I am learning to change. I need some ideas and tips on how to make friends, because I have not even one friend and I'm in college. I'm alone everyday, always by myself.

Please help. ]]> improver http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39516-making-friends.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39502-physical-emotional-closeness-relationship.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 07:27:47 GMT What are your views on the importance or lack of importance of physical and emotional closeness in a relationship?

The woman I share my life with and I don’t have any physical contact beyond a chaste goodnight kiss. She’s not getting it anywhere else and has told a girlfriend she’s not interested in it. I’m not happy that she’s like this.

There’s no emotional bond either – we have no deep feelings, one way or the other, for each other; me, because that’s probably the way I am; her, I dunno why she’s like it. She’s an extremely emotional person, but not towards me.

I’m not getting it anywhere else either. And I don’t particularly want to split up with her.

We've been living together for 17 years and share all expenses.

Thoughts? ]]> The Backward OX http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39502-physical-emotional-closeness-relationship.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39481-sexuality-forums-recommendations-needed.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 23:39:05 GMT Hi guys,

My girlfriend has got concerns that she might be gay. Obviously, the situation is complicated but I won't go into it all because I'm not here to seek advise on that subject directly

I'm looking for a good internet forum(s) to pass on to her so that she may talk to others about what she's going through

She's currently in counselling so she has a safety net - I know forums can be a little dangerous in seeking advice; people have their own agendas. But I figured a good forum with mature, sensible participants might be good for her

This is at her request by the way

Any recommendations?

Many thanks ]]> shavenraver http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39481-sexuality-forums-recommendations-needed.html http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39467-breakup-imminent-she-one-help.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:30:34 GMT Hi, this is the first time I post around here. I need some insight, I hope that my problems won't seem petty or my ways of dealing immature: I'm only 18. At least, bear with me.

I've been together with a girl for almost a year, and just recently told her I wanted to break up. It's a bit of a weird situation: we've never met in person, we've spoken frequently over the telephone, Skype, IM, what have you. It wasn't a random dating-site hookup, we actually met through a mutual friend (who I know "in real life"). I care very deeply for her, our sex life is fantastic (yes, even online ;)), and we can tell each other anything. I've learned that long-distance is doable only if communication is nothing short of flawless, but we have that down. And we get a good amount of time together.

Now, the problem is that she loves me with all her heart... while I have some reservations. There's the fact that she's a girl (and I'm a girl) and I was raised vehemently against gays and lesbians. Obviously I've come to terms with my own bi/pansexuality, but the fact that I'll face confrontations with my parents for continuing this relationship is off-putting. I was raised on shame. This, though, is something I feel I should overcome anyway for the sake of my own personal growth. I know I'll have to face my parents someday (I don't follow their religion anymore, for starters). I still live with them, if it helps explain why their influence is even an issue. The rigid social standards I was raised with do make me severely question whether such an unconventional relationship should even be allowed to exist, and even when it feels right to me there's always a nagging doubt in the back of my mind.

She's gone through some terrible medical problems, and she's had to deal with somehow moving out of her abusive father's household and into the world.

When we first started talking, sparks flew, but somehow it's gone away for me. She feel passion towards me, while I just don't feel attraction or longing, just... deep concern, and care. For some people, cruising into a caring, supportive, loving relationship is perfect even if there is no element of romance or fairy tales, but that's something that's very important to me. What I need from a relationship at this point is to feel passion. It's petty, but if I'm the half of the relationship that doesn't feel passion I feel jaded, critical, and old. I really, really hate feeling like a nagging wife. Being in a relationship where my own passion is not very strong is less than ideal and makes me uncomfortable.

After I told her I wasn't content and thought we should break up, she said that it was perfectly understandable for people to have reservations about their significant others but that sometimes the complaints were worth working through, rather than abandoning the whole relationship for them- and that she was willing to work through them with me. She would somehow find a way to make me passionate about the relationship again, but is that even possible? Frankly, I don't really like the idea of having someone at my feet.

At this point, I'm just unsure if my qualms are not just things that arise from the inevitable strain of long-distance plus the strain of the other things we've had to deal with. We could be together in person within eight to ten months or so. Maybe I should wait until then to see if I'm not more attracted to her once I actually see her in person? Taking a break until then seems like it would put us both under unnecessary strain, as we've become each other's best friends on top of lovers. ]]> xcyme http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/social-relationships/39467-breakup-imminent-she-one-help.html