How to Attract the Relationship of your Dreams (Blog)

[Erin Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Erin Pavlina's blog:

How to Attract the Relationship of your Dreams

[backpocket]

“Red hair, big boobs, and a writer.”

I prefer brunettes.

It's good that you know what you want, because I find I'm still unsure of what I want in a person, and am slowly finding out, bit by bit. I remember writing a rough master list of what I want right before I moved to the new town I'm in now, and one of them was "a girlfriend who I enjoy her company, and vice versa."

Things are developing well, but I found out that when you leave a lot of empty space in your list, the Universe just fills it up with the unexpected.

[wolfgang]

1. Decide what you want in a partner
2. When you find someone new measure him or her against your list
3. If he or she doesn’t have the top attributes let him or her go, don’t waste time.
4. Keep looking, don’t settle, until you find what you really want.
5. Then buy him or her some lifesavers. Trust me, this is a very important step.

To make your list, use character and personality traits.

So I've fallen into relationships that last but have also felt like I always settle. My list has been more of a list with things in common, like likes to camp or activity stuff and then just say chemistry and understanding to cover everything else. I wonder how much that plays into making a relationship work really good. I have seen myself fall for women that have the quailties in character but then wonder that it won't work because she's not a skier, for example.

What about the approach that by not knowing what you want you can "try out" a relationship to help define what you want? That someone comes along and turns your head and then you say that's because I want that quality that she has? How would I know what I want unless I've had a hit of it?

Erin: was your list completly character traits? I guess being a good father is a combo of the character trait of being a good father but also a big activity or common life goal of a family.

And how do people realize they want kids or not? I know the feeling but wonder if it's something I want for sure. Society and friends tell me it's the best thing to do. But there are so many people on earth now. At least my parents don't require grandkids so they are not pressure. One friend of mine that has kinds says they are the best "toys" and feels that he will always have someone to look after him if he's in the hospital about to die and stuff - that his kids will visit him and make sure he's getting taken care of. As opposed to being someone with no imdeiate family and just being at the mercy of the care takers who don't really know you or don't have the same investment to take care of you like your own family would.

[Erin Pavlina]

Yes dating is a good time to discover what you really want in a person. But I still think you can make your list with some critical thinking, as I've known people who never dated but got the relationship of their dreams on the first try. Rare, but it can happen.

In my experience I have found that character is the most important thing because that is what is unlikely to change. If they are honest when you meet them, they will probably still be honest 20 years later. The other stuff, the compatibility stuff, can change on a dime. Maybe she isn't into skiing now, but she can either learn to like it or you can use skiing as an opportunity to just go with the guys.

Compatibility traits like, "Likes sci fi movies, likes going to vegas, loves gardening just like I do" are not solid enough to make a lasting relationship in and of themselves.

In the beginning of a relationship it always seems so important that the person likes what you like and likes to do what you like to do. That is important, yes, but if that's all you like about them, they are a friend, not a partner.

[emf]

I made a list fifteen years ago. He matched. Now he doesn't. It happens sometimes. Lists are a great tool when you're ready to attract a long term relationship, but we should keep in mind that even core values can change over time. That's the lesson I'm taking from my current relationship anyway.

[XeutonMojukai]

EDIT:

I think I'd rather just go with this, since it's really the root of all this stuff for me:

She needs to be someone I'd be proud to be the husband of. I'm very self-aware, even in foresight, so I know that it's something I can identify.

~ David

[rubelin]

during my reading with Erin several months ago, I asked if I would stay with my husband (we were having a very hard time of it). She said she couldn't see any reason why not, UNLESS I "law-of-attraction-ed" him out of my life. I had been working on my list during this time, keeping myself focused on who my husband was, not necessarily the man I was married to, but the man I needed to be married to. The current one was most of it, there were a few of the key ones that had always been missing.

I set the list aside and kind of forgot about it. My husband moved out last month and I put the list back out there with more intent behind it, but not really expecting results for a long time. Just weeks ago, the man in my list appeared in my life. The timing isn't great, but there is no denying that he's it.

I don't know why it always amazes me when the LOA works. You'd think I'd stopped being suprised about it

[Dan.Linehan]

• Warm hearted.
• Intelligent.
• Productive.
• Mischievous.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Great article thanks for writing it. Do you realize it will help create lots of happy couples? (and happy children rpobably)

I often hear of some lists people do for their future spouse, like : "I want a tall man, handsome and strong with blue eyes", and they end up being happy with a man bald and short with brown eyes . So I guess, yes, the most important is character and personality traits. (even if appearance does count a little)

[Jill]

My list was very similar to Erin's only I never actually wrote it down. mine was more of a mental checklist.

I couldn't agree more with what Erin wrote. In fact, my husband and I are celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary today!

Although, Erin, I can't say as I swoon when my husband talks quantum physics to me. I'm just glad my son seems to understand it so he has someone to talk with about that stuff!

[Erin Pavlina]

Dan, mischievous huh? That should be interesting.

Rubelin, glad to hear things worked out albeit you had to go through something not so pleasant to get there.

EMF, yes sometimes the character traits do change. a lot depends on the person's level of consciousness and their experiences.

Glad you guys enjoyed the article. I'll probably write more about relationships soon.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Dan, mischievous huh? That should be interesting.

Mischief is just a sense of humor with a purpose.

You know it was on your long list.

[LillyoftheValley]

Erin, your search was so similar to mine, so I must say to everybody: Listen to her! It works!

The list came to me by accident, while writing a journal entry. I started naming the things I would cherish about a man. It took me to get to end of that list to realize I already know and love him!

p.s. You were in my dream last night. We went out! Had a great time! Oh, and I haven't returned you mascara...maybe tonight

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

In my experience I have found that character is the most important thing because that is what is unlikely to change. If they are honest when you meet them, they will probably still be honest 20 years later.

I'm curious why honesty wasn't in your top four Erin? Can you manifest honesty in a person you already have a relationship with? For example, if you had manifested a man with the top four, but who wasn't honest, could you "manifest" him into being honest?

I recently was trying to sort out what the basis of love between a man and a woman should be in my ideal relationship and ironically I came up with the opposite conclusion. I concluded that someone who, for example, might not be cheating on you in the beginning, may find himself in a situation where he will do so later on, likewise with lying.

I consider that even any characteristic has the potential to change in either direction contigent upon the specific circumstances/environment of the individuals. I have experiences where honest, responsible men of few words either lie or make promises they don't or can't keep, then don't deal responsibly or with any sense of accountability. I have frequently seen people decline in character and change from what was considered their norm. For example, by default, I don't lie. However, the last couple of months, I have been lying a bit, because I have moved to a very sick country. Moreover, I have felt and thought things in this country that I have never done in my entire life, things that are bad to think, that I will stop thinking again once I leave here. For this reason, I don't consider honesty or other good attributes to be unchanging characteristics by any stretch of the imagination. People change, to whatever extent their conscience will let them, to adapt to their environment. In many cases, it could just be dumb luck that a man doesn't cheat on his wife or start lying to her - the circumstances which would bring that aspect out of him never arose.

As rare as it is, I suppose you can actually find honest or mostly honest males and females in the world. What I cannot find is someone who understands me, and also who I understand, and on a profound level. I have found only one person like this, but he falls short in just about every other desireable characteristic category.

Also, you can't tell what a person is really "made of" if they are a prisoner of a life of intimidation forced on them by family and/or culture, for example. This situation doesn't apply to the majority of people we know, but it applies in my situation.

In the end, perhaps even your experience of a person's characteristics is just a manifestation of what you personally attracted, or of a personal beliefe, and not of the actual potential for changeability of characteristics in general.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

I'll probably write more about relationships soon.

I'd like that.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Bitsy

In many cases, it could just be dumb luck that a man doesn't cheat on his wife or start lying to her - the circumstances which would bring that aspect out of him never arose.

Does believing that make it easier to forgive someone who lies/cheats, or does it make it that much more difficult for you to trust a man?

[Erin Pavlina]

Honesty was very important to me, of course. And it made my top 30. There isn't room at the top of the list for everything. But once I found a guy with the top four, I did check to see how many of the other 30 he had.

LillyoftheValley: That's interesting about the mascara because I've been on a hunt to find a good one and I keep getting disappointed by the ones I'm buying. I'm ready to give up my mascara crusade.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Yes dating is a good time to discover what you really want in a person. But I still think you can make your list with some critical thinking, as I've known people who never dated but got the relationship of their dreams on the first try. Rare, but it can happen.

In my experience I have found that character is the most important thing because that is what is unlikely to change.

So then this is a little different than in your blog entry:

If you are in a relationship right now because you fell into it, it can be difficult to determine if you should stay together or not. If you don’t have your list done before you get into a relationship then there is a tendency to ask, “Is he/she good enough?” You’ve got to use zero-sum thinking. Get fully in touch with your key attributes. Ask yourself, “What qualities must my future mate have in order for me to be happy with them?” Then, and only then, ask yourself if your current partner has those attributes. If you do it the opposite way it will come out like this, “Well, what do I like most about my current partner?” And that way leads the wrong direction. You end up settling for something you may or may not want. In some cases, the bird in the hand is not worth as much as the two in the bush.

Or maybe you are making a distinction between dating and having a relationship. That to date and not have a "what I'm looking for list" is ok and actually helps one see what qualities to put on the list. But then at some point dating turns into a relationship, to not have a good list will cause the zero-sum thinking and possibly feeling unsure about staying or going.

Yes write more relationship blogs entries! And in specifics I'd be interested in this matter of getting into relationships without a good list and how it goes to resolve these relationships "because you fell into it". Or any posters that have a relationship without a clear list and how they are dealing.

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by openeyes

Does believing that make it easier to forgive someone who lies/cheats, or does it make it that much more difficult for you to trust a man?

I don't think believing that statement in particular has an effect on my ability to forgive (I've got lots of beliefs and lots of statements). Love makes it easy to forgive and (my) experience makes it difficult to trust...anyone, not just men. When you know and love them profoundly, you come to understand why they do things, what is in their heart or mind, what were they feeling or thinking, or if you don't, you strive to. Understanding also facilitates forgiveness in a lot of cases.

[Brendon Colby]

I'll probably write more about relationships soon.

Erin,

I think it'd be interesting to read about "a day in the life of" a relationship that was purposefully chosen! I've have to design a model relationship for me from books and articles like this because I've never really been exposed to one. Do you ever have any not so positive moments? How do you two handle them? What is a relationship between two highly conscious people like?

Thanks for the great article!

Brendon

[Calculusaurus]

Still today when Steve does complicated calculus and algorithms in front of me it’s basically akin to foreplay.

Lucky Steve...


- seriously though, wonderful article. I don't know if it's just the age of myself and my peers (~22), but I find it very difficult to find a girl with my 4 must-have qualities (which are similar to yours... open-mindedness, intelligence, etc... a certain level of "consciousness" certainly helps). Do you think at my age, people (namely, girls ) still have room to develop such qualities? I mean, I look at how much I have changed in the past couple years... it seems unfair to judge my peers as having no capacity to eventually develop my 4 must-haves.

[Erin Pavlina]

I will probably write more about me and Steve's relationship and how it developed. There were some rocky road moments and it's probably good to share how we overcame them.

I think that even when you're just getting started in the dating scene it's still a good idea to have some idea of what you want. However, if you are dating and not seeking a committed long-term relationship then I think it's different than when you are finally in "seek a lifelong partner" mode. Use your dating experiences to help you finalize your list for later.

One important aspect of this is knowing yourself and knowing what you really want. That can take some time to figure out.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

I will probably write more about me and Steve's relationship and how it developed. There were some rocky road moments and it's probably good to share how we overcame them.

I would enjoy reading more about that, although I have a concern.

The concern I have is that I've seen a rule that seems to work whenever I've looked around: "Whenever a couple makes the inner working of their relationship public to a vast audience, then that couple will eventually break up".

I've seen so many examples of couples who start talking about how they make their marriage work...and then eventually they break up. For example there is Tony Robbins, Jessica Simpson, Gray/DeAngelis and many more. I've heard something about opening the inner workings of a couple-relation to a vast audience adds a lot of pressure to the couple that wouldn't be there.

I wouldn't want that to happen to you guys.

[NotesMaeve]

You know, Erin, as a recently single woman, this was just enormously helpful. Thanks.

[Erin Pavlina]

Seeker5: I appreciate your concern. Talking about our relationship and talking about parenting are two topics we've both been tentative about discussing in public, mostly for privacy purposes. I'll see if I can find a good way to discuss it without doing any damage.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by seeker5

I've seen so many examples of couples who start talking about how they make their marriage work...and then eventually they break up. For example there is Tony Robbins, Jessica Simpson, Gray/DeAngelis and many more. I've heard something about opening the inner workings of a couple-relation to a vast audience adds a lot of pressure to the couple that wouldn't be there.

That may simply be because about half of all US marriages end in divorce anyway. The public breakups simply get more attention. I don't think that's a failure per se. It may just mean the people grew in different directions.

Erin and I had lunch yesterday with Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, a couple that's been writing books and doing relationship seminars for decades. They've done multiple Oprah appearances as well as many other shows together. They've been married for 27 years and seem quite happy together. So there are certainly exceptions, but those exceptions don't sell tabloids as well.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Erin and I had lunch yesterday with Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, a couple that's been writing books and doing relationship seminars for decades.

--Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks totally rock! I love their books, and they seem to have a lot of integrity

--Erin's article was well-timed and quite inspiring! I have been making lists like these for years, but then I find myself falling into not-quite-right r'ships anyway, out of some sense of urgency, loneliness, or the lure of physical attraction. I am determined to stick to my list this time! Thanks, Erin

[wolfgang]

I wondered if someone would put out their list of possible attributes to consider, or their complete big list that used to figure the top onces. Just so I can see what these qualities are to pick from and do my own shuffle.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Erin and I had lunch yesterday with Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, a couple that's been writing books and doing relationship seminars for decades. They've done multiple Oprah appearances as well as many other shows together. They've been married for 27 years and seem quite happy together. So there are certainly exceptions, but those exceptions don't sell tabloids as well.

Cool, I'm glad to see there's an example of someone who broke that rule

[XeutonMojukai]

A concern I'd like to bring up is something I personally fall prey to, and that's envy.

It's difficult to avoid reading about your relationship amidst the rest of the wonderful things to read about, and as a single, soulmate-seeking 19-year-old man, it gets very irritating to try to find meaning within all the negative emotions that crop up.

As much as I want to be able to avoid reading about it, I know that I need to see it as something to strive for, rather than compare myself to and feel angry about.

I don't know, but it can be depressing to read about others' happiness, and the unintentional negativity that would brew in the minds of people like myself could LoA your relationship in a dangerous way, explaining the rarity of exceptions, and the publicity of those couples who are negatively affected by being in public in the first place.

~ David