How to Attract the Relationship of your Dreams (Blog)

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

I wondered if someone would put out their list of possible attributes to consider, or their complete big list that used to figure the top onces. Just so I can see what these qualities are to pick from and do my own shuffle.

This List of Values might be a good place to start.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

This List of Values might be a good place to start.

Nice, thanks.

It'd be cool if a software program would run through them and ask you to rate them, presenting them in random order or something that guides you through a process to filter or order them.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

Nice, thanks.

It'd be cool if a software program would run through them and ask you to rate them, presenting them in random order or something that guides you through a process to filter or order them.

One thing you might enjoy doing is the eHarmony questionnaire. It's free, you don't have to join or get matched. You're given a personality profile plus a compatibility profile (a very lengthy description of your perfect mate); also you are given a huge list of attributes to choose 10 "must-haves" and 10 "cant-stands." Just going through this preliminary is a great way to think about the answers to what you want in mate in a way you might not have before. And again, you don't have to join or get matched -- although it's a lot of fun!

I met Danger Man in real life and stopped using eHarmony, and shortly after that, they sent me my compatibility profile - my "perfect man" description. I read it out loud to Danger Man, and we were both amazed at how perfectly it described him!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

wolfgang, try this. It takes a while, but does basically what you are asking.

Hope that helps.

[Love]

Hmm... I've seven dimensions on my list. Is that too many?

[Erin Pavlina]

It doesn't have to be the top 4, those were just the ones I found in my must-have category. Seven sounds okay.

[Nicolle]

I did this kind of work last summer, but with a slightly different spin. Since I was having trouble with the whole "make a list thing", I quickly tore through 10-12 magazines and pulled out all the pictures that looked to me like "it". Then I went through that pile of pictures and picked my favorites. Then I taped those pictures to a piece of paper and wrote underneath each one what character trait they represented.

In the end I had one sheet that said "Him" and included things like intelligence, humor, dorky, compassionate; one sheet that said "Who I am for him" that included smart and sexy; and one sheet that said "Who we are for each other" which included mutually empowering and committed to raising a family. I didn't spend a lot of time on it. I did it without thinking, as much as possible, because thinking only seemed get me stopped or stuck. Then I stuck the whole thing in a drawer, convinced it was entirely silly, but still holding onto some sense that perhaps I was beginning to cause something.

And guess who showed up a month later?

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by Calculusaurus

Lucky Steve...


- seriously though, wonderful article. I don't know if it's just the age of myself and my peers (~22), but I find it very difficult to find a girl with my 4 must-have qualities (which are similar to yours... open-mindedness, intelligence, etc... a certain level of "consciousness" certainly helps). Do you think at my age, people (namely, girls ) still have room to develop such qualities? I mean, I look at how much I have changed in the past couple years... it seems unfair to judge my peers as having no capacity to eventually develop my 4 must-haves.

I have to say, i have the same issue you describe. I am in that same age range you mentioned but my situation is a little reversed. I cant find guys who who fit what i need/want.
I think my issues come from many things but one of the biggest is i am not in the places where that kind of person i want to be with is. I tend to hang out with a crowd that is not the kind of person i am so i meet people who i would never date. For example, i am business owner, stock investor, geek, and i spend alot of time helping people, but i tend to hang out with people who's main goal is to not end up in jail and get whatever they can for nothing.
I have the same trouble with finding friends (obviously lol) who are up to the same kinds of things i am.
I think people are out there, it is just changing yourself to be the person who attracts the kind of people you want in your life. It is something i am working on as well. For me tho, i am working more on friends then a romantic entanglement.
That said, i enjoyed the blog post. I actually did this a couple months ago. I had over 100 things on it and have been working on streamlining it a bit.

Adrienne

[Luca]

Calculusaurus, at 22 you're still a baby! I'm 29 but I think I changed a lot since I was 22. I realize I was still growing at that age and I'm probably still growing.

[Tam9]

Erin, what a heartwarming, ecouraging article!
It just goes to show that you should know what you want and stick to it.

[insatiabl3]

I think I attracted this article, Erin.

My boyfriend of 4 years (we started dating as college freshmen..aww) broke up with me 2 days ago. He's started working, and I'm still finishing up school. He wants to be free and explore his options. I'm devastated because I considered him the love of my life, and wanted to be with him forever.

At 22, I'm still a baby too (according to yall..hehe). This article definitely gives me hope and at just the right time.

One other thing, if you're reading this Erin..
Last year I had a number of pyschic readings, just for fun. A couple tarot card readings. They all told me that they could foresee me getting married to my boyfriend. They were generally pretty great readings so I don't think they were totally phony.

Do you think they were only interpreting my feelings about the relationship (ie. I knew I wanted to marry him, but they didn't know how he felt about me) which caused them to say that?

[Erin Pavlina]

They may have seen that marrying your boyfriend was one path open to you. Like I mention in one of my articles, a psychic will usually see multiple paths open to a person but due to limited time can't conceivably cover them all with you. They may have told you what you wanted to hear. Who knows? Hard to say without witnessing the reading.

[Lynni]

Erin - Have you been peeking at my list? Thanks for this blog post!

I've been divorced for some time and am finally contemplating dating...with trepidation. You've validated the thoughts I've been having about the type of man I would want to let into my life. Intelligent with a sense of humor tops my list with good father a close third. After I read your article I find that I have been automatically (and unconsciously) weeding out those males that don't fit these three top criteria. I'm not aloof - I have a plan!

[seeker5]

I'm very reassured by all of you women who seek intelligent men

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

wolfgang, try this. It takes a while, but does basically what you are asking.

Hope that helps.

I did that web site and got this. Although I'll probably do it again and not have Unity. What the heck is Unity anyway in regards to a relationship? That I have too look at the list as what I want in the relationship partner - I think I was just doing a general pass of filtering/sorting core values instead, but it bring up the question of what's the difference between your core values and the character traits you are looking for in a partner?
1. Unity (9 votes)
2. Creativity (8 votes)
3. Peace (8 votes)
4. Adaptability (8 votes)
5. Freedom (7 votes)
6. Connection (6 votes)
7. Playfulness (6 votes)
8. Empathy (4 votes)
9. Insightfulness (4 votes)
10. Appreciation (3 votes)
11. Activeness (2 votes)
12. Curiosity (1 votes)

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

wolfgang, I think you at least have a starting point to see what you might want in a partner. You might still have a little work to do to nail down the specifics, but from your list:

1. Unity - Perhaps you would like someone with whom you can stand as a united 'team'. Not to say you must agree on everything, but that you are both committed to your lives together?
2. Creativity - Perhaps it's important that the person you will share your life with be creative in some area. This may not be something specific (such as art). There are many ways to be creative.
3. Peace - Perhaps you value peace very much, so you wouldn't want a volitile relationship. You would like a partner who is peaceful and brings that quality to your relationship.
4. Adaptability - Maybe this could mean you want someone spontaneous and open to change.

Just some thoughts. These values can certainly be interpreted differently by different people. Think of what the words mean to you and what they represent. Then, list some character traits that would be exhibited by what those words mean for you.

Good luck!

[madgeylou]

i love the idea of a list ... but i think my challenge for now is somehow convincing myself that there is someone out there for me.

i think i have kind of a low opinion of men (in a romantic sense) in general, largely because of my experiences and those of my friends -- i dont really know any hetero couples who seem happy with each other, and i've never seen the kind of relationship i envision for myself in real life.

how would i go about working on this stuff? i mean, i can tell myself "there are men who make good partners out there" till i'm blue in the face, but part of me doesnt believe it -- i havent seen it. how can i move towards believing it?

[Lynni]

I wish I was equally reassured, Seeker 5, that there are men seeking intelligent women out there, somewhere...may have to move house...

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Lynni

I wish I was equally reassured, Seeker 5, that there are men seeking intelligent women out there, somewhere...may have to move house...

Intelligence is critical with me, but the person can't JUST have a nice IQ.

[Lynni]

Originally Posted by openeyes

Intelligence is critical with me, but the person can't JUST have a nice IQ.

Of course not, openeyes. Intelligence without kindness, honesty or decency (or good hygeine ) isn't attractive. And IQ is only one aspect of intelligence.

[ArthurHung]

I spontaneously decided to read and post upon whatever Erin posted and it came up to this topic, I'm not surprised as I have been thinking about this for the past week (another case of LOA for me, hehe).

Here are my four:

• A good heart.
• Does not identify herself with a vice (alcohol, cigarettes, gambling).
• Healthy.
• ? = Buddhist, Vegan or Open-minded (in my head I can somehow categorize these three things as one category, don't ask).

It all revolves around "healthy".

[lizthefair]

Thanks for this great post.

So much relationship advice is about how to turn yourself into what you think your phantom future partner would want.

It was also exactly the sort of content my Squidoo lens on the subject was missing--so thanks on that front as well.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

i can tell myself "there are men who make good partners out there" till i'm blue in the face, but part of me doesnt believe it -- i havent seen it. how can i move towards believing it?

Hey Madge...that part of you that doesn't believe it may be serving a purpose: maybe keeping you safe from the scariness of intimacy (or some other purpose that only you know.) It's a younger, more vulnerable part of you holding on to the only security she knows.

In whatever way works for you, maybe you could experiment with embracing the root feelings of that belief, appreciating how it's served you...and then eventually, when you're ready, gently find other beliefs and actions that can help keep you safe but in a way that allows these great guys into your life.

This book may help you in doing this, and EFT also works with transforming beliefs in a relaxed way.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Lynni

I wish I was equally reassured, Seeker 5, that there are men seeking intelligent women out there, somewhere...may have to move house...

Well, I for one seek an intelligent women. I want someone I can have intelligent, intellectual, philosophical conversations. I loved the description Erin had about talking for hours with Steve on philosophical stuff.

My theory is that if there is at least one person a certain way, then there has to be a bunch more people the same way.

[anna]

Erin I didn't know where to post this typo (it doesn't matter, really) but since it is such a great sentence regarding your husband I thought of letting you know. In the 7th paragraph I believe you meant intelligent instead of intelligence.

[Love]

Originally Posted by seeker5

My theory is that if there is at least one person a certain way, then there has to be a bunch more people the same way.

This is what I think, too.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by Lynni

I wish I was equally reassured, Seeker 5, that there are men seeking intelligent women out there, somewhere...may have to move house...

I have never personally known a man who was theatened or turned off by a woman's intelligence. I'm sure there are men like that, but they are probably in the minority.

Also, fwiw, I read somewhere that equal intelligence is the single most reliable predictor for the long-term success of a relationship.

If I may generalize, men seem to like women who like themselves, no matter what their intelligence or beauty quotient.

[Erin Pavlina]

Thanks, fixed the typo. You were right.

[MadHyeNa]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

1. Unity (9 votes)
2. Creativity (8 votes)
3. Peace (8 votes)
4. Adaptability (8 votes)
5. Freedom (7 votes)
6. Connection (6 votes)
7. Playfulness (6 votes)
8. Empathy (4 votes)
9. Insightfulness (4 votes)
10. Appreciation (3 votes)
11. Activeness (2 votes)
12. Curiosity (1 votes)

1. Beauty (8 votes)
2. Affection (8 votes)
3. Intelligence (8 votes)
4. Success (7 votes)
5. Honesty (6 votes)
6. Happiness (5 votes)
7. Hygiene (4 votes)
8. Confidence (4 votes)
9. Warmth (3 votes)
10. Passion (1 votes)
11. Dynamism (1 votes)

And to be on topic, fantastic article, Erin. Thanks!

[Lynni]

Originally Posted by Velvet

I have never personally known a man who was theatened or turned off by a woman's intelligence. I'm sure there are men like that, but they are probably in the minority.

Then the minority all live here. Which is why moving is on my list of things to do. You've no idea Velvet. I am the only single female my age within a 30-mile radius. It's like being the only woman on Alcatraz. I have been approached by married men, by men who, outside of work, do nothing but sit in a bar all day, by men who hint at the fact that they're tired of eating their own cooking (as if this is my concern), and men who cannot look me in the eye while speaking to me because they are too busy staring at my chest.

I imagine that most women have to deal with a few of these characters. I'm up to two dozen and counting. And it's a small community, so I have to see several of them nearly every day. I go out of my way not to attract attention to myself, but somehow this just seems to have the opposite effect.

Around here, it seems that a woman without the protection of a husband or significant other is given no respect as an individual by either men or other women. Or, rather, the fact that women are not respected as individuals becomes obvious once one is single.

Originally Posted by Velvet

...I read somewhere that equal intelligence is the single most reliable predictor for the long-term success of a relationship.

The man I married was intelligent, and he belittled my vocabulary, my conversations that I enjoyed with other people, and the fact that I wasn't a member of the Catholic Church (??? Neither was he! Still don't get that one...). I think he had absolutely no self-esteem and couldn't believe I wouldn't leave him. The only solution his twisted psyche could find to this problem was to try to beat me down to his level so I wouldn't have the strength to leave. It almost worked. This is why I think there is far more to intelligence than IQ. Is it smart to abuse the people you're supposed to love? Because of this man, I am having a hard time convincing myself to submit this post. But I will. It's something I need to work on.

On a more positive note...I've read the same thing about intelligence and relationships and I agree. And, among the unevolved, uncouth and ill-mannered, I have discovered an smart, funny, sweet man who doesn't seem threatened by intelligence (mine or anyone else's).

Thanks for letting me vent! (As if you had a choice...)