Erin - please help? (re: suicidal/suffering people)

[Bitsy]

I had a bad night last night, talking late on the phone with someone who wants to die, so much that I think he has made himself physically ill and may just manifest his wish. I didn't sleep at all. This morning, I was "caught" online by another person with the exact same suicidal feelings, but I was so far gone from the night that all I could do was yawn and cry a bit, while he was talking and crying.

Seriously depressed and often suicidal people (or otherwise generally psychologically dysfunctional people wanting to talk to me about their problems) come to me so often for help. I know it's my "fault," because I'm drawn to profoundly suffering people in any sort of circumstance, for wanting to help them. My heart goes out to them and I understand them, I "feel" them, but I don't know what to do. Sometimes they are men who think the only thing that will make them happy is marrying me, or having a relationship with me. I don't know what to do or how to deal with them.

I had an awful morning due to these two discussions and I am still recovering to get back on my own track. I was of little or no use to the second person and told him that I am sorry, that he is really asking the wrong person (he knows me a bit to know why I said that). I know I am supposed to say, "no, don't kill yourself, life is great, stop drinking, you have your whole life ahead of you," but instead I am really thinking and feeling that I can't blame them, I have no answer and I basically agree and understand them and I don't see dying as such a bad thing.

If you have any advice for me, how to deal with them, now or in the future, or how to help them...I don't know what to do, I feel so helpless and my heart hurts from talking with them, not physically, but it still hurts and that makes me cry and feel very sad.

Thanks

Lucia

[openeyes]

One thing I'd recommend is to learn to be drawn to deeply happy people. I distance myself from problems that don't seem to really want solutions, people that revel in their string of dramas. Rewarding someone for playing the victim may only prolong their victim status. Instead I seek out friends that are very interesting and generally have their lives together. If an occasion comes up where they need a bit of help, they know they can call me anytime, day or night, and I'll try to be there for them. Doing so is only manageable because such occasions are relatively uncommon, and most of my time spent with friends is joyful.

Also, my dad used to be a suicide counselor, and would tell people that if they really wanted to die they should starve themselves, which at least provides time to reconsider as one's mind clears up a bit during the fast, rather than ending things in an instant with a gun. Dehydration is a fairly peaceful way to go and can take a couple weeks, though one is apt to become unconscious after a week. Googling dehydration suicide, this interesting site came up:

RIGHT TO DIE---Voluntary Death by Dehydration---by James Leonard Park.

Also, Erin mentioned in an earlier post back in January that she'd be doing a blog on suicide sometime, though I haven't seen it yet. I've had one person ask me for assistance in committing suicide before, but since it was situational (his mobility had just been temporarily reduced via an injury) I was fairly sure he'd change his mind and got him to wait. Now he's moving about again and feeling fine, with his life being better than ever now. Death is something best considered for a while, not acted upon rashly. Suicide is not something I particularly endorse, as I find one can learn to be okay with most anything over time.

Here's another good article on the site above:

DEPRESSION (Mental)---Depressed? Don't Kill Yourself!

[Cantando]

Originally Posted by Bitsy

Seriously depressed and often suicidal people (or otherwise generally psychologically dysfunctional people wanting to talk to me about their problems) come to me so often for help. I know it's my "fault," because I'm drawn to profoundly suffering people in any sort of circumstance, for wanting to help them. My heart goes out to them and I understand them, I "feel" them, but I don't know what to do.

Hi Lucia,
I know you addressed your post to Erin and I hope you don't mind me responding. I think you are taking on too much, and that is not a good thing. It is very difficult to help even one person. I knew a gifted healer once who became very ill because she exhibited the symptoms of her patients. She took on their pain and illnesses. You must draw a line under this for the sake of your own physical, mental and spiritual health. Being sympathetic is exactly what it means - sharing in their suffering, but it does not necessarily mean you are helping them. Because of the condition of your own psyche, you are attracting these people into it, and they are sapping your vitality. By all means, do what you can to help, but please think about yourself as well. You have a right to your own life withour being weighed down by their problems.
Pray, hope and don't worry (Padre Pio).

[Bitsy]

Thank you both for responding. I definitely don't mind if you are not Erin . I'm glad for any response. I just felt sure she must have some experience and words of wisdom on the matter.

I have mostly quit talking to people like this, but there are a few lingering. The latter one has been going for some years in the same way and I rarely speak with him. I must keep that advice in mind, about moving away from problems that have no solution.

I have only begun making these changes in my life a few months ago and I am phasing these people out of my life now, even ones who are not necessarily suicidal, but in my past I have attracted people who talk non-stop about themselves, whether about their miseries or other things and really had no interest in me or my life, nor would they listen to me if I tried to talk to them about anything other than themselves. Anyway, they are essentially gone now.

I am making efforts to change the kind of people I attract and also the general state of my mind. I recently met more positive and emotionally stable people and I will also be soon leaving my current country of residence to continue moving away from where I've been.

I think talking again with that last one reawoke that feeling or desire in me to be able to help them. I think there are some people, though not him, that might be sincerely unable to help themselves or find help and who aren't just wanting to stay in their drama. I don't know how to help those people and there was a time I imagined it might be part of my calling to help more seriously suffering people, though I never managed to figure out how. With all that has happened in the last few years, I don't know anymore, but I hope after I have progressed, I might know better. Couldn't such people need a kind of "coach" or something? Like in sports, for guidance, advice and motivation?

Anyway, I have fully recovered from Friday now and am back on track planning my move and so on. I have a lot to do in the coming month, so I will be even less available for these people than I have been.

I very much appreciate your advice. Thank you both.