What To Do When Your Paths Diverge (Blog)

[Erin Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Erin Pavlina's blog:

What To Do When Your Paths Diverge

[SeaRod]

Sacrifice and compromise are only part of a relationship if you decide that the commitment to the relationship is more important than your commitment to yourself to be happy.

You have a right to be happy. Loyalty and commitment are great things, but not at the sacrifice of your own happiness.

What if there did not exist this dichotomy? What if sacrificing and compromising only adds to your happiness? Why is sacrificing always viewed in terms of diminishing ones happiness?

For example: A father and his child. When a father "sacrifices" overtime at work for time to spend with his 6 year old son, is that really a "sacrifice"? Yes he will probably lose thousands of dollars in the year but wouldn't his son's smile when he reads him a book only add to his happiness?

When you truly love someone, you sacrifice. You sacrifice, out of love and care, not out of guilt and resentment. You sacrifice because you know the person that you love will be happy. And that person's happiness will only add to your happiness because you love them! And your happiness will add to their happiness and you create a bubble of love.

I am not talking about some co-dependency, neediness relationship. I am talking about a relationship with two self-giving people, who are not focused so much on their own happiness but more focused on the happiness they can create together.

[joyfulgrowth]

Erin, I so much enjoy your gift of putting seemingly complex situations into stories/images that make them easier to understand!

All the best for you, and may you have lots of joy and companionship on your paths, wherever they may lead you!

[Erin Pavlina]

SeaRod, you're not talking about sacrifice then. Sacrifice is doing something you don't want to do, by definition. What you're talking about is being accommodating, or agreeable.

Some people derive great pleasure from doing things for their loved ones. That's one of the five love languages (acts of service). That's not a sacrifice at all.

A sacrifice is when your new girlfriend tells you she doesn't like your kid and to send him to boarding school so you can be alone and even though you really don't want to do that, you do it because your girlfriend ordered you to. But it doesn't make you feel good, it makes you feel guilty and ashamed. Not happy.

If someone asks you to do something and it makes you happy to do it, that is not sacrifice.

[SeaRod]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

SeaRod, you're not talking about sacrifice then. Sacrifice is doing something you don't want to do, by definition. What you're talking about is being accommodating, or agreeable.

Some people derive great pleasure from doing things for their loved ones. That's one of the five love languages (acts of service). That's not a sacrifice at all.

Lets go back to the dictionary:

Originally Posted by "Sacrifice"

3.
the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

Sacrifice | Define Sacrifice at Dictionary.com

Being agreeable and accommodating is not what I am talking about. Being agreeable is about the type of persona that doesn't want to get into any arguments or fights so he just agrees-- the doormat, enslaved by people's approval.

I am talking about the baseball player that desires to hit a homerun every time he is at the plate. He loves his stats and desires to be a homerun king. But then the manager goes up to the batter's box and tells him, "Joe, there is one out and we need to advance the runner on base in order to win the game. I need you to sacrifice bunt."

You think this type of person wants to bunt the ball? Nope, he wants to rip the ball 400ft away. But if he stops being so self-absorbed and realizes that it is not about his individual stats but about the team winning then he will understand the importance of sacrifice. Then he will understand that is not only what is best for him but what is best for the Team. Only until then will he realize his true role on the Team-- sacrificing individual glory for the success of the team, the Bigger Picture.

Then as Joe grows older, and hopefully wiser, he starts desiring more and more Team success over individual success (sacrifice) because the Team winning brings more joy to him than any of his own individual stats.

Now one can apply that example to anything in life.

A sacrifice is when your new girlfriend tells you she doesn't like your kid and to send him to boarding school so you can be alone and even though you really don't want to do that, you do it because your girlfriend ordered you to. But it doesn't make you feel good, it makes you feel guilty and ashamed. Not happy.

If someone asks you to do something and it makes you happy to do it, that is not sacrifice.

That's not sacrifice, that's stupidity.

First of all, if you choose your girlfriend wisely then you are on the same "page", the same "Team". If you look at this scenario clearly then one ought to do what is best for little "Johnny". If you guys talk and communicate and come to a genuine and mutual conclusion that it is best for Johnny to go to boarding school then send him; if it is not, then don't.

But if you have such a self-absorbed "new" girlfriend that orders you to send Johnny to boarding school because she wants to be "alone" then one should immediately break up with her. If she doesn't have any compassion for little Johnny then she will never have any compassion for you.

But if you are enslaved by your new girlfriends approval because you can't handle being alone-- and you send Johnny-- then that's not sacrifice, that's stupidity.

[joyfulgrowth]

I wonder if it would help to find examples that don't include kids, because that seems to add an additional layer of complexity, since having kids in general implies some sort of more or less joyful sacrifice-type thing?

I also feel uncomfortable about the baseball example, because in this context, it seems to imply that personal dreams and goals are generally shallow and egocentric, and that you should give them up for the greater picture (or isn't that what we all know the "right" answer about what that person is supposed to do is?).

The type of sacrifice you are talking about, how would that look like in a relationship where you changed significantly 5-10 years into it or discovered sides of yourself that you had never been aware of were that important to you?

[Erin Pavlina]

In the baseball example I would call that teamwork, not sacrifice.

Let's use a basic example. Let's say you're married and you both have great jobs that you love, no kids. one of you gets a promotion that you've longed for but it requires moving to another country. The person with the promotion has been wanting this a long time and the other partner really doesn't want to move as it will mean moving away from her infirm mother whom she really wants to spend a lot of time with. What do you do?

In my article, in the first example, you would uproot and go move to another country with your partner.

In the second example, you would let your partner go move to another country and you would stay in this one to be with your mom.

In the third example, you would argue about it until neither of you were happy, and you came to an impasse.

And in the fourth example, you would go with your partner to another country, but you'd put a time limit on it and agree to move back home within a year or two. Or vice versa, your partner gives up the promotion until the mother is either well or passed on, and then would pursue promotion opportunities.

To me, a sacrifice is doing something you don't want to do but are willing to do to make another person happy. I'm here to say, that that road eventually leads to resentment if your partner never reciprocates and puts your needs first.

Now ther are people who love doing for others because they get joy out of giving. That is not sacrifice. that is a love language (specifically acts of service).

To me a sacrifice is literally agreeing to do something you really don't want to do because you're putting your partners happiness above your own. And to that I say, don't do it, at least not for long. It's poison.

[xtremelady]

To me a sacrifice is literally agreeing to do something you really don't want to do because you're putting your partners happiness above your own. And to that I say, don't do it, at least not for long. It's poison.

I agree with this, however if two people love one another, different paths do not ultimately mean one needs to split. If both partners have equal regard for the others happiness, than compromise can be reached. For example in the scenario that you give one could move away whilst the other stayed and then spend part of the year with one another. Once the situation with the mother is resolved then they can re-evaluate the situation, or perhaps the mother can move with them cancelling the need for alternative paths.

There are many ways compromise can be reached to facilitate both parties happiness, however I do realise this will not always be the case and therefore the decision of whether or not to sacrifice one's desire for the others will then become needed.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

To me, a sacrifice is doing something you don't want to do but are willing to do to make another person happy. I'm here to say, that that road eventually leads to resentment if your partner never reciprocates and puts your needs first.

Well, duh. But this has little to do with compromise and a lot to do with the fact that a partner who demands you do things that "make you feel guilty and ashamed", without any tradeback, is a d*ck.

In their commonly accepted use as pertaining to relationships, the word "compromise" implies some back and forth, and the word "sacrifice" implies giving up one benefit for the sake of another. In that sense, achieving mutually beneficial outomes even with different objectives is completely doable in a loving relationship.

[joyfulgrowth]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Now there are people who love doing for others because they get joy out of giving. That is not sacrifice. that is a love language (specifically acts of service).

And even IF it is your primary love language, it doesn't harm to once in a while check

• if you love yourself just as much, and
• what your motivation is.

Anybody recognize how much sweeter it sometimes can feel to do a favor to a beloved one, than to yourself?

And by observing what comes up in you asking yourself "What if I didn't do that now", you can see if besides the love that is there, those acts of service also serve other needs of you besides love that you weren't aware of.

I mean, you could do the sweetest things ever,

• to secure a harmonious environment for yourself,
• trying to make sure you remain "lovable",
• in order to distract yourself from doing the taxes,
• to help someone else become the person you'd like to be and and that you feel completely desperate about ever becoming,
• because it is hard for you to see somebody in pain and you want to stop them from being unhappy,
• because it is hard to see somebody suffering the consequences of their choices,
• because you don't have a clear vision of what you are after in life and whatever comes to you easily becomes the most important thing, and you forget that you don't have unlimited resources...

That's kind of off-topic because it feels like love, not like sacrifice, and still I believe it's worth being honest with ourselves if there are any other benefits we get, to keep our loving healthy and truly choiceful.

[joyfulgrowth]

I personally only trust my yes if I know that "no" would be a real option, both for myself to say and for the other person to hear. Might not be comfortable to imagine, but if saying no to something would be so out of my world that I wouldn't even take a minute to consider/imagine it, it doesn't feel like my yes is coming from true choice.

[momo3bur]

Thank you Erin. I loved this article and it really helped me think about some pretty important issues in my relationship from all four different angles.