How can I say no to needy family members? (Blog)

[Erin Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Erin Pavlina's blog:

How can I say no to needy family members?

[Weena]

This video is my second timely and appropriate hint today, cheers Erin!

PS: bubs was watching the video with me and smiled and waved at you

[elucidate]

Helpful as a reminder for me too Erin, thankyou.

It's not so hard once you start boundary setting, but for people who have a weak sense of boundaries, or who aren't very confident, it can be a very challenging thing to speak up about, especially to family.

[Weena]

I just ask archangels to help and situations get sorted as if by (heavenly) magic

[Justin Mazza]

Setting personal Boundaries is so important to remember. There are certain people that when I am around them I feel drained.

[Lynn 007]

I learned the hardway on this one.

Now, I'm number 1, then my spouse and most people know it should be pretty serious to get us involved.

Far too many nights we've had family/friends showing up on our doorstep without any consideration for our time; they were just having another crisis and we were too nice to tell them they need to find their own answer.

Years ago, we set our boundaries and have never looked back. People still call and have a complaint d'jour but 10 minutes on the phone and it's times up!!!

[Angela]

What does it mean, to feel drained by a person? How does a person drain you? What do they gain that you lose?

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Angela

What does it mean, to feel drained by a person? How does a person drain you? What do they gain that you lose?

Your energy.

[Weena]

Originally Posted by Angela

What does it mean, to feel drained by a person? How does a person drain you? What do they gain that you lose?

Have you never felt "drained" by people?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Your energy.

Thanks, luci! I asked those questions in the spirit of the kind of self-inquiry I was talking about in the other thread, you know, moving along the continuum of responsibility -- and being present to power (and love!) in the face of feeling drained by others.

Originally Posted by Weena

Have you never felt "drained" by people?

I have felt that way, yes. And my feelings didn't correlate what was actually happening in reality: no one was actually draining me, no one drilled a hole in me and sucked up whatever dribbled out.

What DID happen in reality -- the thing that tends to leave me feeling "drained," is someone would say or do something, and I would make it mean that "I am trapped." Not consciously, but powerfully -- "I am trapped" is my habitual reaction to .... well, lots of things, including the things folks talk about when they feel drained, like family member makes too many demands; someone is too much of a "taker" or complainer, etc.

What's yours? What do you make it mean about yourself when someone does that?

I think it's a valuable inquiry, because when you bring it around to conscious awareness, it can make the problem disappear in the blink of an eye - *SNAP* just like that. And inner resources for handling what's happening effectively suddenly become massively available in way they weren't a moment before, when the "I am trapped" (or whatever) was occluding it.

This has been showing up for me in a huge way, all over the place, lately! And it's awfully fun and freeing to notice a new area where I've been being at effect, and transforming it to freedom, choice, and opportunity.

Something that shows up in its place is: love and power. That is, I have the power to generate unlimited amounts of energy, so no matter how much someone could "drain" me, there's always more there for both of us. Like you take a piece of my pie, but my pie is always whole - in fact, it seems to grow. And there's so much love present that I want you to take as much as you can -- mangia! mangia! because the more YOU have, the more I have.

I sort of prefer that to being "I am trapped."

[elucidate]

I would agree that being in those situations can make me feel trapped. I think this is how most people feel in these situations. I also agree that unlimited energy is always available to me to refill, so to speak, if I ever feel depleted. I just don't see that it is something I am obligated to share with someone else unless they are someone very close to me, and I choose to, rather than just having them invade my world and take from me.

I think I see what you are saying about the actual draining occuring because you have started to tense up and feel trapped, and it's possible that this is what happens in reality?

Are you saying that the whole energy vampire thing is just a way for people to cast blame on the complainer when the draining takes place because of the persons individual reaction to the complainer?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I would agree that being in those situations can make me feel trapped. I think this is how most people feel in these situations. I also agree that unlimited energy is always available to me to refill, so to speak, if I ever feel depleted.

I think I see what you are saying about the actual draining occuring because you have started to tense up and feel trapped, and it's possible that this is what happens in reality?

Are you saying that the whole energy vampire thing is just a way for people to cast blame on the complainer when the draining takes place because of the persons individual reaction to the complainer?

Well, I'm saying that when you use a perspective of being at cause in your life, and you know I'm a big fan of that because it gets excellent results, the whole energy vampire thing can be disappeared from your reality - *POOF*! just like that. When you use that perspective and do that inquiry, you're not sentenced to being drained by people -- you have choice in the matter.

A person who complains much of the time or makes requests that others find inappropriate (that is, a person who used to occur as an energy vampire) has got her own thing going on -- her own habitual self-beliefs that run her, just like you, just like me. We're all doing the best we can with the resources we have available.

And....that does not mean that you are obliged to hang out with her or fulfill her requests, if you choose to use the perspective of being at cause. What it does mean is that you can grant her the freedom (in your head) to be exactly as she is and exactly as she isn't, and feel wonderful, free of feeling trapped or resistant or anything that doesn't feel great to you -- even when she's doing that thing she does. And take action that arises in that, whatever that action is, including removing yourself or saying a quality "No," if that's what's there for you to do. Her doing her thing doesn't sentence you to having less energy.

See what I mean? And thank you from my bottom to my heart, by the way, for listening to me so generously!

[elucidate]

Well, I think that coming from a position of understanding why the person is behaving this way is important, so as not to demonize them. Mostly they have learned to be this way from a young age to get their needs met and don't even realize that it is not the healthiest option, and that it can cause others to feel this way. There are complex reasons for it, but they are still people.

I think I see what you are saying, and you're welcome.

So, I can make the experience more pleasant for myself instead of getting all annoyed or feeling constricted because I don't feel like I can get away.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Well, I think that coming from a position of understanding why the person is behaving this way is important, so as not to demonize them. Mostly they have learned to be this way from a young age to get their needs met and don't even realize that it is not the healthiest option, and that it can cause others to feel this way. There are complex reasons for it, but they are still people.

I think I see what you are saying, and you're welcome.

So, I can make the experience more pleasant for myself instead of getting all annoyed or feeling constricted because I don't feel like I can get away.

Yeah!

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by Angela

What do you make it mean about yourself when someone does that?

You know..Mounds just posted something about mastering the basics and it occurred to me that this is part of "the basics" of 100% responsibility that i haven't mastered yet. Well, the basics according to me anyway. (For reference:This post.)

Your post has great timing! I still have to master this basic, not making requests people have of me mean that I have to fulfill them. But it feels really good to have this defined as a "basic" right now. Ha! Seems so obvious now. /left brain thinking

Thank you!

[Angela]

You're welcome!

I wrote recently that I'm using the phrase "at cause" more than "100% responsibility," because I've started to notice that there are no edges to personal responsibility -- at least not that I can see. It is always possible to be MORE at cause in your life, and also to be more at effect -- that is, more of a victim. There's no 0% and 100%. I think the *basic* key is to practice moving more towards the at-cause side of operating in your life -- more into possibility and creation. You'll never arrive, I don't think. It's a continual process of being human.

And one powerful way to move in that process is to do self-inquiry. When you find yourself feeling stopped or ineffective or upset or irritated, or when you notice that you're struggling to have other people answer your questions like, "why are you doing this to me?" "Why is this happening to me?" "What's wrong with you? What's WRONG here?" That's an excellent sign that inquiring about how you are being at cause would make a huge difference -- a breakthrough difference -- in the results you're getting.

"How am I at cause here?" (NOT: "how is this my fault?" ) What choices have I made, both consciously and unconsciously, that have me where I am right now? What am I being: what are my attitudes, beliefs, and values, that have this person or this situation occurring for me the way it does? What might I let go of or take on that would shift how it occurs for me, and shift the action that arises in that occurring?"

I agree with you -- it's the basics! Who am I being that reality is the way it is?

[Angelique]

Aha! Yeah. At first, I didn't care too much for "at cause," I like a kinesthetic reference and didn't feel one towards that phrase. Got it now, it's similar to a light switch.

And I agree, the 100% is seducing..as if you could ever really be at 75% or 50%. There is no try (thank you, Yoda, for that) and results can never actually get in the way of your doing 'that thing', whatever it may be. I know this, but I didn't knoooow this, you know?

Why is this happening to me? <--- Sucks! And it's what I reach for immediately (in these situations). Ugh.

I can Pavlov-ify myself towards better questions.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Angelique

I can Pavlov-ify myself towards better questions.

Absolutely! Ask better questions and you'll get better answers.

[Weena]

Originally Posted by Angela

I have felt that way, yes. And my feelings didn't correlate what was actually happening in reality: no one was actually draining me, no one drilled a hole in me and sucked up whatever dribbled out.

What DID happen in reality -- the thing that tends to leave me feeling "drained," is someone would say or do something, and I would make it mean that "I am trapped." Not consciously, but powerfully -- "I am trapped" is my habitual reaction to .... well, lots of things, including the things folks talk about when they feel drained, like family member makes too many demands; someone is too much of a "taker" or complainer, etc.

What's yours? What do you make it mean about yourself when someone does that?

I think it's a valuable inquiry, because when you bring it around to conscious awareness, it can make the problem disappear in the blink of an eye - *SNAP* just like that. And inner resources for handling what's happening effectively suddenly become massively available in way they weren't a moment before, when the "I am trapped" (or whatever) was occluding it.

This has been showing up for me in a huge way, all over the place, lately! And it's awfully fun and freeing to notice a new area where I've been being at effect, and transforming it to freedom, choice, and opportunity.

Something that shows up in its place is: love and power. That is, I have the power to generate unlimited amounts of energy, so no matter how much someone could "drain" me, there's always more there for both of us. Like you take a piece of my pie, but my pie is always whole - in fact, it seems to grow. And there's so much love present that I want you to take as much as you can -- mangia! mangia! because the more YOU have, the more I have.

I sort of prefer that to being "I am trapped."

Thanks Angela, I do like this post heaps. I guess I rely upon prayers to sort things, as they always work. I guess in a way maybe I "generate" by putting out my intention. I also tend to know if I can simply not get into it, unless the person is unavoidable then I have to to work things out.