Too painful to talk about

[Falkor]

I read something which was posted here and it has bothered me so much that I thought I would write about it. It is about abortion. Horrible subject for me. After reading what Erin wrote about the karma one must suffer after having an abortion, I walked around in a daze all day with the most horrible feelings imaginable. I have cried for 12 years now, almost daily about my abortions. Not only do I hate myself for being so stupid, but I feel sometimes that I am being punished for it. My life has been horrible ever since, (not that it was great before), and I think to myself that I deserve my horrible life because of my actions. For this, I don't want to go on anymore. I sometimes have overwhelming thoughts of suicide. I can't seem to find peace. I hate my self pity. I wonder what can I do now to have forgiveness. I went to a therapist for 3 years and I did not even talk about this. It was too painful to even talk about. I am too old to have children now, I don't have any. My family is dead, the ones that are not do not speak to me, my husband left me, and I am entirely alone in this world. I guess I deserve to be alone, it was my doing after all, so I do not have the right to complain. But I have created a life of hell for myself, at every moment in a day I am reminded of what I have missed, what I will never have, and of what a bad person I am. I don't have any friends either, with feeling like this, who would want to know me anyway. The people I encounter I put on an act for, so being around people is exhausting...to keep up the act, to hide my secrets..I even make up an imaginary family so people will not know I am alone. I have had very abusive relationships, both from men and from female friends. Yes, my parents were abusive, but I can't blame them. But the abuse continued through my whole life and I just try to keep my head above water. I have not learned much from my life, I have tried every book, every seminar, every therapy, and I am still like Humpty Dumpty...broken in a million pieces. If I think of what I have done in my past, it is so painful and hurts so much. Life has no meaning at all for me.

So is this the karma you talked about? And what does one do about their bad karma? Is there anything I can do in this world to make up for my mistakes or am I just doomed. I am so sorry for all the things I did in my past. I have tried to move on, to start a new life. But I don't find much has changed, and I don't see a future at all.