Too painful to talk about

[Falkor]

I read something which was posted here and it has bothered me so much that I thought I would write about it. It is about abortion. Horrible subject for me. After reading what Erin wrote about the karma one must suffer after having an abortion, I walked around in a daze all day with the most horrible feelings imaginable. I have cried for 12 years now, almost daily about my abortions. Not only do I hate myself for being so stupid, but I feel sometimes that I am being punished for it. My life has been horrible ever since, (not that it was great before), and I think to myself that I deserve my horrible life because of my actions. For this, I don't want to go on anymore. I sometimes have overwhelming thoughts of suicide. I can't seem to find peace. I hate my self pity. I wonder what can I do now to have forgiveness. I went to a therapist for 3 years and I did not even talk about this. It was too painful to even talk about. I am too old to have children now, I don't have any. My family is dead, the ones that are not do not speak to me, my husband left me, and I am entirely alone in this world. I guess I deserve to be alone, it was my doing after all, so I do not have the right to complain. But I have created a life of hell for myself, at every moment in a day I am reminded of what I have missed, what I will never have, and of what a bad person I am. I don't have any friends either, with feeling like this, who would want to know me anyway. The people I encounter I put on an act for, so being around people is exhausting...to keep up the act, to hide my secrets..I even make up an imaginary family so people will not know I am alone. I have had very abusive relationships, both from men and from female friends. Yes, my parents were abusive, but I can't blame them. But the abuse continued through my whole life and I just try to keep my head above water. I have not learned much from my life, I have tried every book, every seminar, every therapy, and I am still like Humpty Dumpty...broken in a million pieces. If I think of what I have done in my past, it is so painful and hurts so much. Life has no meaning at all for me.

So is this the karma you talked about? And what does one do about their bad karma? Is there anything I can do in this world to make up for my mistakes or am I just doomed. I am so sorry for all the things I did in my past. I have tried to move on, to start a new life. But I don't find much has changed, and I don't see a future at all.

[Lauxa]

Hi Falkor, I just want you to read this thread where Erin clarified some things from that article. I'm just going to post it quick in case you are still lurking this thread...

[Erin Pavlina]

Forgive yourself.

Then move on. When you know better, do better.

The Secret to Forgiving Yourself

[StacyT]

Falkor,
Please accept that you did the best with what you knew at the time. People change and grow and your past self is not the same person as your present self. Do the best with what you know now, and like Erin said, forgive yourself. Let go of the past. Find peace in the present moment - it can be anything you want it to be.

Sending you peace and love,
Stacy

[Falkor]

Thank you all for responding.
I will look deeper into some of the threads suggested. But I have to say that I think this subject is such a taboo that maybe no one wants to really see or address the pain I am in. Erin, I am happy to see you read my post. But it is far too simple to say to me I need to forgive myself and move on. After 12 years I can't seem to do it. I have not read yet the forgiveness thread you suggested, I will do that. But I have been through so much therapy and nothing worked. The past is done and I know I can't change it now. If there was anything I could do to heal this bad event I would do it, I just don't know what it is. Am I suffering the karma you talked about? I had never really thought of it this way until I read your article. Open to suggestions...

[moonrambler]

In reading this thread, the thread from Erin's blog posted here, and another more recent thread where the subject of abortion came up, I've realized that I view this subject so very differently from perhaps most people.

The embryo or fetus is a human life that has potential to become a viable life, yet I don't see the 'turning back' of that life as something sinful or reprehensible. Somehow I feel like if that soul wants to be born on earth, the soul will find another mother. I don't see a reason to feel guilty about making this decision. I do think there should be some reverence for the life, perhaps involving a sincere heartfelt apology to the potential baby for the decision.

Falkor, you don't go into detail about why you feel so guilty about this decision. Sometimes I read people expressing all this sadness about how the baby doesn't get to be born and do all this cool stuff on earth. That really has nothing whatsoever to do with the baby because if a life really is snuffed out forever, the baby doesn't have the slightest idea. In the Christian view, the baby would go straight to Heaven and get to be with Jesus, so I also don't even understand why some of the Christian factions are so aggressively anti-abortion.

I'm not sure where I came up with these ideas. I do remember the first time I ever heard about somebody I knew having an abortion. I was in junior high, and one of my girlfriends said her older sister was going to have one. This girl and her boyfriend had run off together right after high school and got married, and now a year or so later were getting divorced. Her parents were going to take her somewhere, which I thought was supportive of them, as it would have been at least a 50-mile drive to any city. I remember asking my friend why her sister didn't want to have the baby, but it never seemed to me some horrible decision or anything.

For some reason, all the angst in the world over abortion has left me completely mystified. It makes me feel bad that you feel so awful about this.

[slumberland]

I sent you a pm. It's inadequate, but I am sorry seeing so much pain in your post... I don't think it's right. And I'm sorry you were not in warm and supportive situations that made you feel it would be easy to choose to have your children... from your post it sounds iike that is what you would have wanted, not to make assumptions.

[Weena]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

Hi Falkor, I just want you to read this thread where Erin clarified some things from that article. I'm just going to post it quick in case you are still lurking this thread...

Nice one. I had read the first abortion thread/blog post ages ago and I did not agree at all (but did not even participate to the thread back then). Good to get this clarification.
No offense to you Erin, you know I like you and I read a fair bit of your blog .

Now Falkor, what keeps you from getting closure? It seems so hard for you to get to that point, maybe a professional could help? I know you went to therapists, as you say... have you looked at alternative therapies?

If it helps you feel a bit better, nobody hates you up there. That was the first thing that helped me years ago, to have a psychic telling me that. She said no one in heaven hates you, you're the one who has to forgive yourself (exactly as Erin said). An other thing that helped me was to talk to the soul i could not welcome back then, and to tell the soul if he/she was meant for him, to go back to him, and if i was meant to be his/her mum, to come back to me at the right time. I know this won't happen in this life time for you since your fertile days are behind BUT you could be his/her mum in an future life. And one last thing: would your child have been happy? If you did not have love, support, an education, money, a good partner, would it have been responsible to have a child back then?

Also...er...I really do not think you get bad karma for this, especially not the way you describe it, unless you attracted unfortunate events by continually hating yourself for it.

I really wish for your heart to heal soon.

[Pierre Alexandre]

Hello Falkor and others who answered this thread,

It's my first message here (maybe I'll take time to present myself later), and I couldn't help but to post some insights I'm getting reading this.

Originally Posted by Falkor

So is this the karma you talked about? And what does one do about their bad karma?

I think there are profound misconceptions about what "karma" is. Misconceptions about what the Hindus are really talking about in their scriptures, and misconceptions of what we can do with/about this.

With Alan Watts, a great philosopher who died in 1973, I would say that karma is your own doing. When you attach to it the idea of fate, or consequences, or cause/effect... it is not per se a false assumption, but you're missing the main point : that karma is your own doing in the eternal now, nothing more, nothing less. So, talking about "good" or "bad" karma doesn't make a lot of sense, your karma is your karma, it's what you are doing right now! So, when you say something like this :

Originally Posted by Falkor

But I have created a life of hell for myself, at every moment in a day I am reminded of what I have missed, what I will never have, and of what a bad person I am.

This is your karma. You're absolutely right. But it is your karma in the sense that you're actually doing it, right now. And in a sense, it has little to do with all your problems and your difficulties in life ; all this is an alibi. You have just forgotten who you truly are and what powerful resources lie within yourself. In fact, it takes a truly powerful being to create such a life of misery and solitude, and I know what I'm talking about, I've done that to myself too. Think that you could use all this power to create a life of joy and abundance. Power is power, it doesn't discriminate. But you, as a powerful being, can choose your path, and learn to fully embrace your karma, without fear and guilt.

Originally Posted by Falkor

I don't have any friends either, with feeling like this, who would want to know me anyway. The people I encounter I put on an act for, so being around people is exhausting...to keep up the act, to hide my secrets..

That's a mistake, a false assumption. Well, it's true in the measure you make it to be true. But believe me, there are people out there, people who want to devote their life to helping others discover within themselves their own power and their truth. But if you keep putting an act, these people are not all psychics who can read your mind (wouldn't that be great? ), so they may not even notice your cry for help. Of course, you don't have to wander around telling everyone your secrets and difficulties, but by beginning to accept what is happening to you, you could also begin to act sincerely towards others. If you're sad, depressed, just be it. There's nothing you can do against that, accept the sadness, the anger, the guilt, whatever. At this point, when you stop fooling yourself (because that's what you're doing in the first place, lying to others, you're lying to yourself, hiding from yourself), then you can begin to think much clearer, and maybe see that around you, there's a lot more support than you used to imagine.

Originally Posted by Falkor

I am so sorry for all the things I did in my past. I have tried to move on, to start a new life. But I don't find much has changed, and I don't see a future at all.

You don't see any future because there is no future for any of us! All there is is now, this present moment. Trust yourself, trust your senses, breath deeply, and see that you can't do anything about the past (which doesn't exist anymore), nor you can't do anything about the future (which hasn't come yet, anyway), all you can do something about is the present, your present ; this is karma, always. And there, you can decide how you want to feel about the past and the future, but this always take place in the present, because it's all there is.

Finally, I don't know if the fate of the baby is an issue for you. But this particular problem reminds me of an important question that Alan Watts, mentioned above, underlined. One of the important question we all have, is this one : Are we going to make it ? And part of the fun of life, of this great adventure, it is that sometimes, we are convinced that we can really die, disappear, that all this could stop completely dead. But no. Truly, profoundly, we know, and you know, that anyway we are going to make it. So, for the baby I have no concerns, he is alright. And you will be alright too.

Twelve years of this ? It seems a long time, but what it is compared to eternity ? A sneeze! One day you'll remember these terrible years you had, and you'll remember them as a terrible sneeze, you know those which give you a terrible headache and the impression that your eyes are going to get out of your head ? Hahaha! Well, you know that everything's going to be allright after all. Although you may not see it right now, this is how things are.

And something tells me that I'm maybe too late with this message anyway, because you already knew all this, didn't you? Your suscription to this forum is a good sign.

Open your eyes and your heart, everything is right there, waiting for you. You are not alone.

[Mynder]

Falkor,

I used to have a signature where I offered to listen when somebody had a problem to share. I would like to extend this offer to you. I can't say all your problems will be solved and suddenly vanish. But sometimes, it helps to off-load onto somebody else who will not judge you for your actions, but simply listen, offer comfort, and possibly supply a few pointers and ideas about how you can eventually get to a point where all of this becomes a little more manageable.

If you wish to pick me up on my offer, feel free to send me a PM, or an email (mail@eddybuhler.de).

[Falkor]

Eddy?

that is ever so kind of you....what a nice offer. Yes, I would like to take you up on it...
I will send you an email. Thanks again for your nice offer. Sometimes it is only a nice chat with a nice person that can really make a difference!.