Respecting Your Partner in Public (Blog)

[Erin Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Erin Pavlina's blog:

Respecting Your Partner in Public

[Knk]

Awesome article as always Erin. Keep up the good work. (I feel like an English teacher:P)

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

I don’t understand when people publically tease or embarrass the people they supposedly love.

Me neither. But I suspect it has to do with seeking significance by bringing their partner down a notch -- even subconsciously. But I think it's also a lack of emotional intelligence. I don't know how unconscious one has to be to not realize that something they said (even as a joke!) is causing their partner distress. Or at least apologize for it if it was a 'foot in mouth' case.

[BeetrootChessElf]

Great article Erin. Been particularly enjoying the last few. And lovely to hear that Steve is such a gentleman... (-:

Whilst I don't think my wife or I are directly rude about each other in public, I have an unnerving feeling there may be some behaviours of ours that the other might be "tuning out"... I'll be trying to be aware of this for the next month or so to see... and maybe work on it... (-:

[elucidate]

I loved it Erin. It reminded me of the way my father would treat my mother when we were kids and it upset her a lot. I sometimes attract men like this, like the recent one I had to cut ties with. He has since apologized, but I'm not going back for more.

It definately shows insecurity on the part of the person behaving this way. As you say though, that person may not even think about it until it is brought to their attention by someone. Usually the partner is too beaten down to, so friendly intervention is a loving act I think.

[st33med]

Lovely article Erin! I never ever planned on doing things like this and rather being up front with how I feel about things.

Repressing anger just is bad for your relationship.

[JoePike]

Loved this article Erin, and I wish all couples would read it. A 30 day trial of saying nothing but positive/loving things about your partner in public would be a great thing for everyone to do. I'm going to try it...since I'm guilty of the correcting thing sometimes. Just comes out but I know I need to think before I speak.

It's kind of a common sense thing too...treat your significant other like you want to be treated.

[Angela]

What a nice article! It's nice to see you writing about relationship stuff.

You know one thing that makes me wonder? Those couples you see out at dinner in restaurants who don't say a word to each other or even make eye contact with each other. Ai chihuahua! They look like the Eating Dead.

[st33med]

Originally Posted by Angela

What a nice article! It's nice to see you writing about relationship stuff.

You know one thing that makes me wonder? Those couples you see out at dinner in restaurants who don't say a word to each other or even make eye contact with each other. Ai chihuahua! They look like the Eating Dead.

Do you know if they are eating brains? Because that would totally explain their behavior.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Angela

What a nice article! It's nice to see you writing about relationship stuff.

You know one thing that makes me wonder? Those couples you see out at dinner in restaurants who don't say a word to each other or even make eye contact with each other. Ai chihuahua! They look like the Eating Dead.

I've always joked about that. It's how you know if people are married or not.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Angela

What a nice article! It's nice to see you writing about relationship stuff.

You know one thing that makes me wonder? Those couples you see out at dinner in restaurants who don't say a word to each other or even make eye contact with each other. Ai chihuahua! They look like the Eating Dead.

Yeah, they've always freaked me out a bit. Or the couples who have nothing to say to each other so they just sit there and read the newspaper or a magazine whilst sitting right in front of each other...basically ignoring each other. Weird man!

[Angela]

I can understand enjoying reading magazines or the paper together over dinner. I love to read together anywhere. It's when they're just sitting there, staring into the mid-distance, chewing and chewing, no words exchanged, and every once in awhile someone sighs deeply.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Angela

I can understand enjoying reading magazines or the paper together over dinner. I love to read together anywhere. It's when they're just sitting there, staring into the mid-distance, chewing and chewing, no words exchanged, and every once in awhile someone sighs deeply.

I suppose. I just sometimes get the feeling that some people do this to avoid talking to one another...but then, I haven't had a partner in a while, so I've probably forgotten simple pleasures like reading together. Actually, I have no memory recall of EVER doing this with a partner...no wonder it seems weird to me

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Angela

You know one thing that makes me wonder? Those couples you see out at dinner in restaurants who don't say a word to each other or even make eye contact with each other. Ai chihuahua! They look like the Eating Dead.

Funny.

My husband and I do this sometimes... We talk before and after eating in restaurants, but usually not during. One part is that we both really enjoy eating, so our attention goes to that. Another part is that we can be just "being together" without that anything needs to be said.

Sometimes just going out and being together is enough.

[munish]

Originally Posted by Angela

or even make eye contact with each other.


Ai chihuahua!

I have observed this too! Some of them do not even look at each other.
Both are lost in their own worlds.

And then may be meeting for sex and then business as usual.

Relationship has become a need based business. You give me status , children and you give you sex.

There is no love .

[Gelfling]

When I worked as a waitress there was an old couple who were regulars in the restaurant - they would sit and eat in silence but had a very serene look about them, they were just happy being in each others company and still seemed very much in love. There were others though who would do the same thing and have a completely different feeling about them - one of boredom and unhappiness and having nothing to say to each other There would also be the occasional couple who, like the ones in Erin's blog, would actually say nasty things about their parners to me, the waitress - I would feel utterly embarrased and sad for them

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Erin Pavlina's blog:

Respecting Your Partner in Public

I've never had any specific instances that I've noticed in my love relationships, however I can totally relate when it comes to my family.


Basically my dad is a total a--hole in public. It is as if he's a little child who hasn't learned any manners, and one of the things he has done a lot in the past is talk poorly about me, my brothers and my mom to a complete stranger or to his or our friends, right in front of us. He will basically say mean or degrading things about us right to people's faces and be totally oblivious that he is hurting our feelings or saying private things that he should keep to himself. And he remains oblivious even after my mom nudges him or tries to get him to be quiet or change the subject, or if I do.


And he wonders why I never want to spend time with him... Basically people like that are just completely inconsiderate of others and usually not even worth spending time with.

[Angela]

It amazes me that people feel entitled to be the most discourteous to the people they care about the most, as if *family* owes it to them to just deal with their assholeratiousness.

Then you hear things like, "Stop taking things so personally!"

[Weena]

My first relationship was like that. The guy was incredibly insecure and loved to criticise and insult me in front of other people. I think it made him feel superior and better about himself but he did not realise that he made others very uncomfortable. I'm not even blaming him because i could have been smart and dump him. My bad. I was a bit young and it was my first long time boyfriend, and i had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like (my parents didn't have a great relationship).

I had to really raise my standards and give myself what i expected from others, and once that was done i met my husband. He would never be disrespectful, whether it be in public or in private. If he sometimes teases i burst laughing because he does it lovingly (like when he asked if he was allowed to write to his friend "we moved in April and Weena was useless during the move "oooh I'm 8 months pregnant i can't possibly carry the fridge" "...that made me laugh).

When i see couples being mean to each other (which is almost never Thank God) i feel uneasy. There was a couple i knew years ago and the woman castrated her husband all day long "you think you're good at footie but you're crap" "my brother is so much stronger than you" etc etc... it was awful to be in that kind of company... needless to say i took some distance).

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by Weena

My first relationship was like that. The guy was incredibly insecure and loved to criticise and insult me in front of other people. I think it made him feel superior and better about himself but he did not realise that he made others very uncomfortable. I'm not even blaming him because i could have been smart and dump him. My bad. I was a bit young and it was my first long time boyfriend, and i had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like (my parents didn't have a great relationship).

Come to think of it, I have never been in or even seen a healthy relationship in depth.

My parents' relationship sucks ass, I have not witnessed either of my brothers in a healthy relationship, and I have never been in a healthy one either.


Damn.. I just realized I have no idea what it is even like to be in a healthy relationship with a person I can trust. I have really only dated people that I have never been able to fully trust that they wouldn't cheat on me, lie to me, etc.




In other words:

[Lucidism]

It's also good to remember that what works well for one partner might not be good for another.

My brothers and I have always teased each other in a playful way and their wives do it too. It's all meant for fun and no one's bothered by it. I had an ex-girlfriend who would join in, and they'd rib her too, and it was fun for everyone. But when we've tried to use the same humor on my current girlfriend, she didn't appreciate it at all, which isn't something we realized at first.

So once I realized, I apologized to her and suggested to my family that we don't joke around with her like that. Nobody does anymore and so it has worked out fine. Ironically, now my girlfriend is more open to that kind of humor and sometimes initiates it herself. What a little hypocrite! Just kidding. I guess she just had to grow into it.

Meanwhile, my brothers and I will diss each other until the day we die, and probably after.

I guess the key thing to remember is that the line for "playful" and "insulting" is different for everyone. I've noticed that the more playful people tend to be the more confident. People with low self-esteem are easily insulted. Though, on the other hand, sometimes playfulness can just be a mask.

[Weena]

Originally Posted by Curtis2011

Come to think of it, I have never been in or even seen a healthy relationship in depth.

In other words:

I have been really blessed that my partner was very patient with me and my flaws (i still had insecurity and jealousy leftovers) . I think you will just know/feel it when you meet the right match...it just feels very natural and easy at all levels. At least you can take your parents as a counter-example .

[Lenie]

Originally Posted by Knk

Awesome article as always Erin. Keep up the good work. (I feel like an English teacher:P)

I enjoyed this article very much. I find the things
you write to be very insightful. And I recommended
it last week to a new friend. Thanks for the articles.

[votoshka]

This is interesting, and has made me stop to consider some of my behaviour.

I don't think I'm terrible, in that I certainly aren't always putting my husband down in public or anything, but there have been times when I've said things I shouldn't (or that embarrassed him). I didn't necessarily do it on purpose, but it's sort of a habit of mine to run off at the mouth occasionally.

The other day he was talking about something I did that really embarrassed him (it actually happened about 15 years ago and he STILL brings it up!). We were eating out in a restaurant (not a particularly flash one) and I was in a silly mood and being a bit silly, basically just having fun. Apparently he recongised his old school principal and was really embarrassed by my silly behaviour!

I was just having fun and didn't take it too seriously, and even now I don't know that I did anything WRONG, but I probably could have been more sensitive.

There's also other stuff that I guess I'm more open about, and I really don't consider the consequences of saying it, but he's really embarrassed.

On the other hand, he does it to me too. Today he was saying something to a couple of people about how I "never got hit on" when I was in my teens, and I really didn't think it was necessary to say that!! Other times he's said stuff about me dying my grey hair or whatever, and again, I'm like "geez, I don't want the whole world to know I'm going grey at my age!!".

These are things he doesn't think are a big deal, but which embarrass me.

I think it's a matter of actually learning to read each other's reactions and listen to each other more too!

[Erin Pavlina]

Yeah you guys can just decide you won't do that anymore. it's unnecessary and if either of you are uncomfortable, it's easy enough to stop.

[Mabel]

Originally Posted by Angela

It amazes me that people feel entitled to be the most discourteous to the people they care about the most, as if *family* owes it to them to just deal with their assholeratiousness.

Then you hear things like, "Stop taking things so personally!"

Indeed! In its worst expression it is called "contempt". I have learned recently to sense whether or not people are prone to this type of behavior because even "friends" can do this type of thing if it is their habit and if they feel familiar enough with you to do so.

[AM1212]

Wonderful article Erin!

I have a friend that treats her husband horribly when a group of us are hanging out. She makes digs and orders him around. He always laughs it off but it makes the rest of us completely uncomfortable. We all tell her we're surprised he hasn't jumped ship by now!

[a muse]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina
I don’t understand when people publically tease or embarrass the people they supposedly love.

insecurity, lack of self worth, fear-based reality. These are reasons why people do this.