Question for Erin: how much do others really influence us?

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi Erin, hi all,

I'm wondering how much other people (or places) really influence us, and how important it is to avoid those that we perceive as negative.

I know Steve stressed the elevators vs. cages issue, which suggests that others do have a significant influence on us. But on the other side, can't others influence us only to the extent that we allow them to, and only if there's already some negativity inside us?

If someone truly conscious and positive were surrounded with negative people, would that affect them?

I'm especially interested in hearing Erin's opinion because she knows about energy stuff, vibrations and chakras - but of course, please feel free to reply even if you're not Erin.

Love,

Rose.

[Anna Conlan]

Hi Rose,

I think that the phrase you become the people you hang out with is really true. Or at least I think it is true for me.

Over the last five years I must have lived in a dozen different places, sometimes with friends, sometimes with flatmates who are very different from me, sometimes with family members and I've noticed that the people I live with can affect my mood and state quite a lot. (Maybe that's because I pick up on a lot of what is going on around me.)

If I'm living with positive people, I have more energy and it's easier to thrive. If I live with negative people, I lose a lot of energy trying to maintain my positive state and shield myself from negativity. And it takes a lot of awareness not to get bogged down in it.

So, I think you don't have to be affected by negative people, but it can tire you out somewhat by ignoring negativity or shielding yourself from it. Not sure if that would be true for a truly conscious person. Maybe a truly conscious person would go to work on healing the negativity, a la Byron Katie, questioning all the negative assumptions that are around her, etc.

But for most normal people I think at some point, when you decide you no longer want to lose energy from that, you move away, physically or emotionally - after all, like attracts like. If you're no longer resonating with someone or their energy, it's harder to be around that energy, whether it's a person or a spirit.

[Angela]

I'm with Byron Katie on that -- a person has no power to make you feel negative (or positive!) emotionally; only your thoughts about the person have that power.

Like with the spinning ballerina illusion, you have infinite power to transform a "negative" person into a "positive" one -- someone who is dearly loved and appreciated by you. That's personal power.

If you haven't developed your inner resources, the world will appear to be full of negative people who are negatively influencing you. You don't have to change those people or even avoid them to completely transform that -- you only have to get in deeper touch with your own inner resources to transform the world.

Until one develops those inner resources, avoiding those one perceives as "negative" is a wise choice. And regardless of your inner resources, choosing to put yourself into the orbit of "positive" people, and to draw them into yours, can be a very fun choice!

Choosing positive people is a completely different thing than avoiding negative ones. It's just a whole 'nuther way of Being -- a feeling of expanding vs. a feeling of shrinking.

[Erin Pavlina]

If you are a positive person and you're surrounded by negative people if you're smart you'll shield your energy and not become a spigot for them to feed on. If you're not aware enough, you could easily sink to a lower vibration. So to that extent, it's true that no one can change your vibration unless you let them, but it's also true that being constantly surrounded by negative energy could cause you to have to alter your energy to compensate.

I myself like to surround myself with people who are used to the subtle give and take of energy, a sharing of energy if you will. That feels best to me. I like being able to keep my shields down and not have someone sucking the energy right out of me.

I do avoid people or situations that I know will drain me. Or if I have to go into a situation like that I adjust my own energy accordingly.

[Rose of Cairo]

Thank you for your answers, ladies.

The reason I asked is that e.ve.ry.sin.gle.time I stay at my mother's place, I get off my raw, vegan diet. And this really pisses me off. I have no problem at all sticking to my diet when I'm at home. But when I am staying with my family, it seems to be completely impossible.

It's way more than just a matter of diet though. My mother just totally drains me. When I am at her place, I feel extremly tired and exhausted. I tend to totally overeat because I always think "I need more energy, I need more energy!". I need more sleep, too. And I need a lot more energy work, meditation and taking care of myself than usually, just to keep my balance. I feel weak, drained, I feel like she squeezes all the juice out of me like I'm a lemon. I also tend to get irritated and angry very easily, which is not the case normally. Before switching to raw, it was even worse: I would get physically sick every time I was staying with her.

I don't understand it. I just don't understand what happens exactly and how. I get your point Angela, but with my mother it just doesn't work. I've been working on this issue for years now. I talked about it with a psychotherapist, I did The Work on it, I used EFT, practiced present moment awareness, learned energy shielding techniques, anti-manipulation techniques, and I keep my chakras closed around her. And none of this really helped. I really don't know what to do anymore!

I feel immensely guilty for that. And also because I think if I were truly conscious and positive, she wouldn't affect me like this. It feels like failing to me. Every time I go back, I think "THIS time, I will manage!" and then, of course, I can't handle it. So it's reassuring to hear that even you strong and conscious girls are being drained by some people sometimes.

[Erin Pavlina]

Try laughing at the situation. Try taking a step back and saying to yourself, "Okay, I'm ready to rumble." Make the situation comical. Pretend you're the star in a comedy show about you and your mom and hear the audience laughing when you start having problems with her.

You can also try forgiveness. Just say, "I know she's going to drain me. I accept that that's how things are. I'm going to be as present as possible and if I can't, I give myself permission to be affected by her." So instead of railing against it, acknowledge it and even embrace it a little.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I don't understand it. I just don't understand what happens exactly and how. I get your point Angela, but with my mother it just doesn't work.

Yeah, while you build your inner resources around this issue, it makes a lot of sense to do what it takes to protect yourself from being influenced negatively.

There are a couple of ways of looking at it, depending on how you feel at any particular moment. If you are feeling vulnerable, by all means, protect yourself or stay away. If you are feeling like taking on a challenge (and I know that is a frequent feeling for you), you might want to present yourself for challenge. You know what your next right action is, in each moment.

I think it makes a lot of sense, I was just speaking with a mutual friend about this, to educate yourself about the workings of that which has you feeling vulnerable.

It sounds like you have done a lot of work in protecting yourself from the influence of your mom, to keep yourself from being drained by her drainy squeezy drainness. Being the harmony warrior that you are, what if you were to, in a moment when you're feeling powerful, step directly INSIDE what you're fighting? What do you think about boldly moving your perspective right into your mother, like the ghost of Patrick Swayze moving right inside of Whoopi Goldberg's body, and use her inner resources as your own? You can use TIME Techniques for that, to just courageously take on her perspective as if it were your own, and get some tremendous learnings that you can take with you into your life, not just in dealing with her, but in every area of your life. I think you have dipped your toe into her perspective, but I think you may be preparing yourself for the Mighty Endeavor -- one that may completely transform your personal power -- of BEING what you have been resisting.

Right now it may look to you like her inner resources are the inner resources of a vampire, and you don't want to take those on. But you may find some rather startling and valuable wisdom if you are willing to look boldly for her positive intention, to see through her eyes what you have never seen before.

I think you recognize that no one really drains you like a lemon, but your thoughts about her leave you feeling pretty drained and powerless. Your thoughts can also shift completely, if you are up to it, and you can actually pull from her inner resources that will benefit you most -- without taking anything away from her.

She's your mother. Her job is to help you develop inner resources, and it seems to me like she is doing an EXCELLENT job of doing that. You and I both know developing inner resources isn't always the most delightfully pleasant task in the world! And after you've taken on a Mighty Endeavor, you have a new superpower in your life, and you look back with a smile on what you once believed was insurmountable.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Try laughing at the situation. Try taking a step back and saying to yourself, "Okay, I'm ready to rumble." Make the situation comical. Pretend you're the star in a comedy show about you and your mom and hear the audience laughing when you start having problems with her.

You can also try forgiveness. Just say, "I know she's going to drain me. I accept that that's how things are. I'm going to be as present as possible and if I can't, I give myself permission to be affected by her." So instead of railing against it, acknowledge it and even embrace it a little.

The forgiveness idea is good. I have no problem forgiving her, because I know she doesn't do it intentionally and that it has nothing to do with me personally. But I forgot to forgive myself.

I have a hard time forgiving myself when I eat meat! Being vegan is so important to me for ethical reasons. I also have a hard time forgiving myself when I overeat on crap and gain back in one week all the weight it took me two months to lose on my raw diet. For example. I can see how eating lots of cooked food and meat makes some kind of sense, because it makes me numb and way less sensitive to her energy than I am when I'm on raw foods, so it becomes more bearable to have her around. But I still have a hard time forgiving myself for those terrorist attacks against myself. I'll try to forgive myself for that and to take it easier.

The humor idea is great too. Maybe I could write a comedy screenplay called The Monsther. It would be difficult though, since I have a hard time knowing what it is that she does. I do not have any apparent problems with her. Our relationship is excellent. I wouldn't know what exactly to laugh about. But I'll try to look at it like that.

[Rose of Cairo]

Angela, your post was as usual very inspiring and shining, but honestly I have no clue what you are talking about.

Originally Posted by Angela

If you are feeling vulnerable, by all means, protect yourself or stay away.

Protecting myself obviously does not work well. And I also cannot stay away. For some complicated reasons I am kinda stuck in this situation.

Being the harmony warrior that you are, what if you were to, in a moment when you're feeling powerful, step directly INSIDE what you're fighting? What do you think about boldly moving your perspective right into your mother, like the ghost of Patrick Swayze moving right inside of Whoopi Goldberg's body, and use her inner resources as your own?

Huuuh...?

Right now it may look to you like her inner resources are the inner resources of a vampire, and you don't want to take those on.

Exactly! I feel guilty and ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I think she's the most evil creature I have ever met. I am totally not interested in using her methods or even knowing about them (except for the purpose of defense against the dark arts).

But you may find some rather startling and valuable wisdom if you are willing to look boldly for her positive intention, to see through her eyes what you have never seen before.

She tells me about her positive intention all the time. But I doubt she has one. Honestly. I can't believe I'm the one talking like this. I've always thought everybody means well and everybody acts for what they think is other people's best. But now I doubt it. Maybe I'm getting paranoid.

I think you recognize that no one really drains you like a lemon, but your thoughts about her leave you feeling pretty drained and powerless.

I'm not sure about this one anymore either. I used to believe it was all our thoughts, but now I doubt that too. I think there is something very physical happening between her and me no matter what my thoughts are or are not.

Sorry.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Angela, your post was as usual very inspiring and shining, but honestly I have no clue what you are talking about.

You make me laugh, woman.

Protecting myself obviously does not work well. And I also cannot stay away. For some complicated reasons I am kinda stuck in this situation.

Yes, I understand that you feel stuck in this situation. Is that The Truth? If someone held a gun to your head and told you to get out of this situation or they'd blow your head off, do you think you could manage to get out of this situation, at least physically?

Huuuh...?

Maybe you didn't see the movie "Ghost." Dead people can move into the body of a living person and see through the eyes of the living, get their perspective, and Patrick Swayze uses Whoopi Goldberg's body to make out with Demi Moore. It was kind of creepy, but you get the picture -- he was using her resources. It's not the best analogy in the world, I'll admit.

Exactly! I feel guilty and ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I think she's the most evil creature I have ever met. I am totally not interested in using her methods or even knowing about them (except for the purpose of defense against the dark arts). She tells me about her positive intention all the time. But I doubt she has one. Honestly. I can't believe I'm the one talking like this. I've always thought everybody means well and everybody acts for what they think is other people's best. But now I doubt it. Maybe I'm getting paranoid.

Right. And as long as you choose to remain stuck in that perspective, you are powerless. You have no influence, you can make no difference. Even after she dies, her "evil" will still be influencing you, as long as you choose to keep believing those thoughts.

I'm not sure about this one anymore either. I used to believe it was all our thoughts, but now I doubt that too. I think there is something very physical happening between her and me no matter what my thoughts are or are not.

If she is a physical threat to you and you stay in her domain, you are a big dummy. Get out. But if the threat she presents to you is energetic or mental in nature, then you have all the choice and opportunity in the world to both remain in the situation AND transform it.

What I'm suggesting to you is something pretty bold and confronting, and I wouldn't recommend it to just anyone, but you are a Harmony Warrior, and you are up to dismantling the mechanism of other people's power-over you, and taking on being the source of what you want -- REGARDLESS of who is around.

It's simple, but it isn't easy.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

Yes, I understand that you feel stuck in this situation. Is that The Truth? If someone held a gun to your head and told you to get out of this situation or they'd blow your head off, do you think you could manage to get out of this situation, at least physically?

I'm not talking about feeling stuck emotionally, I'm talking about legal matters.

Hmmm... This is getting really off-topic. I'll drop you a PM instead.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I'm not talking about feeling stuck emotionally, I'm talking about legal matters.

Hmmm... This is getting really off-topic. I'll drop you a PM instead.

Okay.

I think you have the power to unstick yourself -- that is, to feel free -- in your relationship with your mother, even with legal matters. I know you to be a tremendously powerful person, one who has the capacity to gain power even in the presence of people who suck.*

*Energy, that is.

[Samuel Poon]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Angela, your post was as usual very inspiring and shining, but honestly I have no clue what you are talking about.

Lol I laughed at that also

[bluedragon]

Hi Rose! Since you also asked about places, I want to say a few things too. Both my Tai Chi teacher and his wife are also Senior Feng Shui consultants - they help design homes and offices, and give consultations. I talked to them now and then and what I've learned from them is this:

- any living or working space has positive and negative areas. But the problem is that, in some houses, the areas with good energy are, for example, the closet and the bathroom, while the places where the bed or the dining table sit are extremely negative.

- however, an apartment or office as a whole can have less energy than another, especially so when there is a massive obstacle in "front" of it - for example, a gigantic skyscraper or 10-story building just in front of your main windows.

- people can get very sick or emotionally unstable in places with bad Feng Shui, and simply changing the place where they sleep or moving to another house can have a tremendous impact on their health and lives!

- there are areas or rooms which promote creativity / romance / communication, so you can establish which room is better suited to be an office / a bedroom / a conference room, etc.

- it is almost impossible to make observations about the energetic configuration of a house just by looking at it (even for an expert), because there is a very precise mathematical science (and art) involved - you need a special compass (Luopan) with very detailed gradations in order to make the proper measurements, you need to have the plan of the building and also take into account the surroundings (if there's a mountain nearby, if the house is near a lake, if there's a factory operating next door, etc).

- but, what you can do is simply (get rid of the clutter and) make adjustments - move your bed to the other side of the room; sleep in the other room (even if you need to sleep on a sofa in the living room); move your desk or turn it around, etc.

When I started sleeping on the sofa in another room, for example, I instantly started having many more dreams each night, I sleep better and I fall asleep much faster.

Your parent's house may be one of those places that has poor energy. However, the people also have the power to change a place's energy (to a certain extent). So for example, if you meditate and you send love to your parents and concentrate on improving their house's energy, you can, provided you have great inner power of course. But the best solution is to change the cause of the problem.

[Pequod]

Hi Rose

Did you tell your mother about this?

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

She tells me about her positive intention all the time. But I doubt she has one. Honestly. I can't believe I'm the one talking like this. I've always thought everybody means well and everybody acts for what they think is other people's best. But now I doubt it. Maybe I'm getting paranoid.

It is amazing how much people (*all* people) can delude themselves. They can be totally convinced about their intentions and still act like the complete opposite. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't found it out about myself recently. I was convinced that I was being truthful and yet later I was shocked to find that I wasn't.

Your mother could have consciously the best intentions, yet in her subconscious there can be other patterns / beliefs that contradict it. Being open, honest and exploring with each other can be helpful to find out what mechanisms are at work your relationship.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I'm not sure about this one anymore either. I used to believe it was all our thoughts, but now I doubt that too. I think there is something very physical happening between her and me no matter what my thoughts are or are not.

Sorry.

The thoughts can still be there and it can be valuable to detect them and do the Work with them. Let me explain:

It seems that people are wired differently. Some people are first aware of their thoughts and then feel (in their body or mind) the corresponding emotion or feeling. Others (like myself) are often first aware of the feeling, and a fraction later they are aware of the corresponding thought. Maybe you belong to the second group too.

It is valuable to find out what the 'message' of the physical sensation is. Sometimes you have to make a guess, but with a little practice and some trial and error it is usually possible to go a long way.

Next time you are with your mother and you feel this physical sensation, you can ask your body:"What are you trying to tell me?" and write down (or make a mental note) of the answers that come up. Then you can do The Work with them on a later moment.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi Pequod, hi all,

the problem with my mother is solved. I know, I've been whining about my mother for two years in this forum. Sorry. Please forget about it.

As some of you know, I'm currently training as a Soul Realignment practitioner. I had a look at her Record, and it totally explains her behavior. I won't talk about it here, because this kind of information is extremely private, and I don't want to break her privacy. But, yeah, it explains it.

I'm very relieved. Now I know that no, I was not crazy, I wasn't imagining things, I was not a bad daughter and it was fairly normal that I would feel bad. Now I'm able to approach the whole thing with humor, as Erin suggested. And with compassion, towards both of us.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

@Bluedragon: yes, I know about Feng Shui! The house has a very bad energy to it indeed. I can feel it when I come in. That's not surprising, since my mom is the messiest person I know. Just yesterday we decided together (it was her idea, actually) that I would sleep in some other place instead of in their house when visiting them. Additionally, I'll perform a property clearing on this house as soon as I have learned how to do that!

Love.

[MasterD]

I feel you Rose.

If it happens again, the final solution, in the end, I think, is complete independency on your side. You have to be in a position that you know you can leave anytime you want and not to be scared doing so, with a smile doing so while still loving her. In the meantime I would be relaxed about eating cooked food, though when the time comes to leave I don't think it will harm to stay fully raw for a few days before.

Btw.. my experience is the same in the sense that I am extremely sensitive to my environment unless I keep my shield up, but that costs a tremendous amount of energy. So to me it's clear that if you are in such a situation that you are not just imagining things. It's a messy situation to be in; though you are forced to grow; how nice .

[Rose of Cairo]

Yes, you are right, Master. This situation sucks, and I need to get out of it! I'm working on it.

[Mynder]

I'm hearing/reading about this Soul Realignment thing again and again. Rose, could you drop me a PM and tell me a bit more about it and how it has influenced you so far?

[Rose of Cairo]

Done! Check your PMs.