The Death of My Ex-Boyfriend (Blog)

[Erin Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Erin Pavlina's blog:

The Death of My Ex-Boyfriend

[newton]

Great post!

[sirkinm]

Wow -- reading that post is making me late for work, but I couldn't stop. Excellent post. Wish I had time to say more.

[jayh]

Erin, thank you for showing us what true love is all about. I have a feeling your story will bless many people.

[JoePike]

Amazing post Erin...you rock. Thanks for sharing this extremely personal part of your life.

It was great to read that Bryan really is at peace now and that you have full closure concerning your relationship with him.

Being the father of two pre-adolescent daughters, what worries me the most about your post is how you were able to hide the abuse for so long from your parents. And even after they forbade you to see Bryan...you still found a way for a long time. I just pray that my daughters are always surrounded by kind, caring, and loving friends. Especially their future boyfriends!

[supertom]

Hated bryan than felt really sad for him at the end, so unfair the way he died like a big misunderstanding if he was just a little be more relaxed he would still be here.

Im kind of thinking about his family, how they would be coping with it, how his wife must have felt like nothing while her love was trapped and had to shoot himself.

Hopefully they'll come through to you and get a reading.

[Nathan]

Thanks Erin.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Erin,

It's scary how much I relate to your post. I felt very emotional reading it. the things you relate are spookily similar although I split them between 2 guys not one. I stayed for 3 years too in the second relationship before I couldn't take any more.

I understand what you mean about it taking two to create an abusive relationship. When you are very loving and a rescuer you think you can save the world and stop anyone from feeling pain.

My biggest learning is that generally it's better to let people process their own pain and learn their own lessons. I've hung up my spurs and put my white horse out to pasture. No more riding in as the white knight to save the day

I totally relate to what you said about choosing to be free even if it meant death. I've been there too. It's a weirdly liberating feeling.

I'm glad you got closure and that Bryan is ok. Sounds like he really turned it around in his work and just goes to show no-one is irredemable.

Thanks for sharing.
HS


PS. Erin, I've noticed that people who've been abused, often gain weight as a protective sheild against the world. (I certainly did). I wonder if now you've got closure on your relationship, you should start seeing that needle shift downwards as you no longer need that protection / shield in your weight? Something to think about anyway.

[danas]

Wow what a story

I first read your Health Goal Update article, and then I read this one and while reading I couldnt help thinking that theres a connection between the two.
After all you went through, maybe you feel the need for this extra weight to protect you. especially after being raped, maybe you are afraid subconciously of being too attractive (not that you cant be attractive with extra weight, but sometimes its the ideas we have).

And then at the end of the article you wrote:
"He smiled and told me our karma was complete and that I didn’t need to carry that heavy weight around anymore"
So, he said it to you himself.
I hope this will release you, and help you carry out your health goal.

[Erin Pavlina]

DanaS: Wow, I didn't even realize that "heavy weight" reference. I'm glad someone caught that and pointed it out to me.

Yes, for a while after that relationship ended I gained weight so guys would stop looking at me as a sexual object. That was somewhat conscious. And I am hoping now that the needle will shift.

[backpocket]

This is beautiful. I'll make sure I'll share it.

[staceyterry]

Your story has brought tears to my eyes Erin. My admiration for you grew yet again! I believe this is a story that will help many other people. There has been so much focus in the media lately about abusive relationships, but usually the stories are somewhat filtered... cleaned up a little for the sake of presentation. Your honesty and your courage stand out.

I've never been in a physically abusive relationship, but I know the feeling of walking on eggshells, of learning my mate's triggers so that I can avoid angering him, of feeling like I'm the one who made the mistake when he gets angry because I should have known better. My self-esteem is not what it could be, but I'm more conscious of that this year. Trying to learn about my chakras and do some visualizations and take steps in my life to build up my confidence and self-love.

After I read your update yesterday, I was wondering if maybe there was something bothering you. I seem to only be successful when I'm truly happy. When something's on my mind, the weight sticks even if I'm super clean with my eating and exercising regularly. There were even more tears when I read the comment from Danas. What a beautiful gift. And I'm even more excited for you now.

Thank you once again for sharing your story. I'm feeling very connected to love and beauty in this moment.

Hugs and happiness...

[Andrew Brunelle]

Very interesting post. You really are extremely compassionate towards everyone. Forgiving the man who raped you and seeing how miserable his life was and saving him at least for awhile until he was 39. This is one of your best blog posts ever. Keep up the good work.

[TheAndySan]

Wow, Steve wasn't kidding when he said that this blog entry would be awesome!

[IamBren]

Wow that was amazing...tears in my eyes. Very beautiful story.

[MidasGirl]

Wow Erin. That was a fascinating aspect of your past you shared. But definitely the classic abuse story. I'll have to agree with the person that pointed out about the "weight thing". Its no secret that people who were raped, especially at a young age, tend to struggle with weight quite a bit, as they use it as a protection mechanism. Looks like the body will do anything and everything to make sure the weight shell stays on, including screwing up with metabolism and other things.

Anyway, very courageous story. Especially timely as there's been a lot of talk about abuse lately, on Oprah and all over the media, due to the recent Rihanna incident. Apparently the stats are 1 out of 3 teenage girls are or have been in abusive relationships of some sort. I'm sure this will help not just people being, but those acting as abusers that may read this.

Kudos Erin. Your story simply left me speechless with admiration at your candidness. I'll share it with everyone.

[Bradshaw]

Oh, just write a book already!

(Amazing post Erin, very emotional and very enlightening)

[smileytrysh]

Wow Erin.. thank you so much for sharing that story. For all the people out there in abusive relationships - my former self included - your story offers hope for the healing that seems so elusive.

[Erin Pavlina]

I actually wrote a book called "How to escape an abusive relationship" which was more about stories of women who'd picked themselves up after ending the abusive relationship and how they were thriving. I wanted women who were currently in an abusive relationship to see that they could survive and even thrive after leaving their abuser. But it was never published and I didn't push that hard. Writing it was very cathartic.

[Creative]

Thank you for baring such an intimate part of your life. I am pleased that you have got over what must have been a very traumatic period in your life. And it is good that Bryan has also gone peacefully, alls well that ends well

[hmsialex]

Quite a touching story.

I have always wondered how some people I know could be able to live together when one of them was such a monster.

This is a lesson we could take a leaf from..

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

I actually wrote a book called "How to escape an abusive relationship" which was more about stories of women who'd picked themselves up after ending the abusive relationship and how they were thriving. I wanted women who were currently in an abusive relationship to see that they could survive and even thrive after leaving their abuser. But it was never published and I didn't push that hard. Writing it was very cathartic.

Have you thought of publishing the book as an ebook, for free or for charge?

[Erin Pavlina]

It's just really outdated now with the info, and I would have to get permission from the women whose stories I told and I have lost track of those women many years ago.

I could possibly rewrite the book from a new perspective but it's not my current focus so I don't want to. I'd also like to write a book about how I overcame panic disorder without drugs but that too is just a tributary in my overall river.

[ginkgo]

I was reading Steve's response about SBI not being a good deal. His signature had Twitter in it and I went to that. He mentioned this with a link to it, so that is how I got here.

I read it and was surprised that people did not judge you like they judged Rihanna. When this stuff (like rape) happened did you feel guilty? You said that you felt ashamed. Psychologists can explain away anything.

So you were in a dark place. Then you were raped and abused and ended up much better off. Do you know why? Your story is not eligible to be an Indian scripture. I am a Jewish-Irish American but read a lot. The reason is it is not elible is that you did not tell what you did in previous lives to make you dark and why you needed this. Also the same with your boyfriend. Did he die too early or at the perfect time?

The Indians have this concept called karma. It is also called My Name is Earl. According to it, everything that happened to you was so you could feel what it felt like when you did this stuff to others. It was not a punishment. It was given to you out of mercy and kindness so you can learn from it.

So there is never a time when you are beyond hope. Even if you went out tomorrow and killed some people and set some bums on fire, there is a way to undo that stuff. When you were raped, you undid the rape that you did. Jesus said "Do onto others the way that you would have them do unto you?" Why? Cause it will happen to you.

Here is a strange story. People know Scientology for their belief in karma and past lives. They created that show, My Name is Earl. But here is the story behind that. L Ron Hubbard grew up in the same society as you did so he was certain there was no such thing as past lives. ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN. So he wrote the book Dianetics and it all about trauma in this life and when you deal with all of that you become a Clear-- the highest state one can achieve.

There is nothing higher since you deal with everything in this life. The end. Now they would do this processing to make people clear. But people started remembering stuff from past lives. People told LRH about it and he told them to ignore it. It is nonsense. He got tired of it happening with his clients. He was a playful guy so he decided to humor this guy. He let this guy go on with this nonsense and the guy got much better than what LRH has seen before.

And that is how Scientology got started. Now is he the only nut? There is a Harvard Medical School grad psychiatrist, Brian Weiss. He regresses people into past lives and stuff happened to him that changed everything he used to believe. He has written books about it like Many Lives, Many Masters. He has a long waiting list of other psychiatrists that want to learn this magic. One guy does it and says that it works, but it is imagination not real. So my point is that just because you cannot remember it, does not mean it did not happen.

In my blog a month ago I said that I knew that Adam Lambert (American Idol) was Elvis Presley in his past life. He was not in the final 13 yet. Simon is very opinionated. He said that he did not know what to make out of Lambert. He could not tell if the guy was good or bad. Tonight he said that he was the best singer tonight. Also look what he did to his hair. But then after him, a woman sang and Kyra said that it sounded like she had been singing for 400 years. They do not accept singers that are over 27 years old, let alone singers that are over 400 years old!

Watch this show if you want to see it happen again. How will it end? Will it end this time with him taking drugs and sitting on the throne?

[Ace22]

Erin,

This story is so incredible, yet so sadly typical. I'm glad he didn't take you down with him. My guess would be that a higher power gave you the strength and courage to liberate yourself before it was too late.

At the end of it all I was left wondering why some physical beings seem to be more receptive to demonic influence than others. I believe that most people that live with demons, do so because they refuse to rebuke them. (I'm referring to your ex)

It reinforced my belief that once a demon gets a grip on someone, they don't easily let go.

Especially once the human thinks he has control of his demons. (once again referring to your ex)

[Anurag]

I had an Astral experience last night and was searching for related references on net and stumbled on Erin's post.

Erin, your post has profound connections to various aspects of our life. I am happy that you finally could relate to Bryan on astral plane and one karmic cycle has completed.

You may also share your posting on Intent.com | Personal. Social. Global. . I am just a member there. Your first hand experiences and understanding on the aspects of love & healing will help many others.

I wish you all the best.

Anurag

[OlderWiser]

Wow. I hope his wife can get past this. I couldn't help but have an immediate empathetic connection to her and I'm pretty sure she's blaming herself (needlessly, but still).

I also can't imagine what on earth the police were thinking by not allowing her to try to talk him down. Did they WANT to agitate him to the point of him killing himself or them killing him? Shocking.

I've been in an abusive relationship. No need to go into details, but I understand very well the "it takes two" dynamic. I'm glad that Bryan got himself together enough to go on to help others in great ways, and that he managed to find some happiness in his life. I'm also glad to see that Erin healed and got past it. For healing from abuse, nothing gets the job done like forgiveness.

My heart feels very heavy, though, for those he left behind. I believe that he is, indeed, at peace now, and perhaps he might be able to help them through the guilt and the grief. I hope so, anyway.

I'll be keeping his family in my thoughts for some time, I'm sure.

[alisonandrews1]

Thanks for sharing this Erin. It is a very moving story. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. I could relate to it very well and it resonated very strongly with me. It is so fantastic that you have been able to connect with him and put the past so firmly to rest.

I actually didn't realise all the implications of what happens when someone dies, that they can sometimes punish themselves etc.

In the future when I need another reading with you I'll have to see if my father is happy and crossed over now. I really hope so.

I am so glad that he has forgiven himself and moved on, and that you have forgiven him and been able to heal yourself so completely.

[Climb the Rainbow]

Erin, your story tugged at my heart strings and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing such a difficult and painful part of your past with us. I am glad that you have been able to forgive, and that you and Bryan have both found peace now.

Like you, I endured a physically, sexually, emotionally, and financially abusive relationship. It took a lot of introspection and hard work before I was able to make peace with my past and forgive my abuser, but now I wouldn't trade my experience for anything - it proved invaluable in making me a more loving and compassionate person.

Danas made a great point about carrying extra weight and needing protection. I piled on nearly 15 kilograms within 6 months of leaving - it's coming off, but it's a very slow process. I hope that by your karma coming full circle you are also able to relinquish the emotional attachments that are holding you at your current weight.

I look forward to hearing how it goes

Taz

[Kazeko]

Seems like it's time for my (yet another one) confession.

This story struck me hard. I sympathize Erin a lot, as many people who already posted. But there's also something else.

I recognized myself. The more I read Erin's post, the more I felt inside "OMG!" Don't get me wrong from the beginning. I haven't raped anyone. But I see many similarities with Bryan, starting from a deep interest in fiction and RPGs and finishing to some... don't know how to describe it.. primal fear and survivalist's behavior. And all that aggression in the middle.

Allow me not to go too deep with drawing parallels with Bryan. It's easier to name the differences. The main difference is that I haven't gone as far as Bryan has and I am recovering with a good pace.

I didn't hurt anyone physically. One big but. Once being drunk I hit my wife with an open hand to her cheek. Another time I did some threatening moves. And I offended many women emotionally. Much alike the way Bryan did. I'll not go too deep into details again. If you need them, re-read Erin's post.

So.... yes, I apologized as much and to as many people as I could. I've tried to minimalize the amount of harm I've done. I've changed a lot since that time, and all that was quite long ago... maybe 5 years or so.

But I still feel the presence of that dark side inside me. However I control it.

Erin, if you could give advice to someone who's like Bryan and who is willing to listen, what would you say?