Don't Be a Bystander (Blog)

[Erin Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Erin Pavlina's blog:

Don't Be a Bystander

[pianoperformer]

Wow, this story touched me so deeply. I'm glad your mother did the right thing.

I grew up in a very loving home. My mother provided everything she could, despite being a single mother. I can't imagine growing up in an environment where you couldn't even trust your own parents, or where home was not a safe haven.

[Rose of Cairo]

Booh Erin, now you had me crying. *sniff sniff*

What if what they do is legally allowed (like with animals)?

[Erin Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

What if what they do is legally allowed (like with animals)?

Then you work to change public perception of the acceptibility of the practice. Just like during slavery times, that was seen as normal and appropriate until some people worked very hard to change public perception about it.

[MsDBlu]

Well, that was my morning cry ... lovely story.

[mncz]

This article touched me very deeply, and added some points to my new view on life and how I want to live it. Many thanks for writing it.

I and my sister both were subject of abuse in school, and for a long time I thought how it was possible that everyone - family, teachers, other students would just accept such things as "normal" and look the other way. Today I realise that all of these issues start with our personal choices and it is useless to blame anyone else for it. I give my thanks to all my abusers, because in the end they gave me understanding and compassion for other people in need.

[Holistic Star]

Good on you Erin for reporting it.

But I'm shocked that it fell to you to report. I'm shocked that the teachers didn't realise and simply weren't interested in this girl or notice the signs.


Hopefully nowadays teachers are more aware of abuse and know how to identify the signs which were all there.

[Erin Pavlina]

Yeah this was like 28 years ago and I don't think teachers were as educated about what to look for, nor were they required to report suspicious behavior.

Sophie often wore a jacket all day, even when it was hot, to cover up her injuries.

[Dannyboy1]

Thanks for making me tear up at work!

It would be tough for me to not go over and deal with the mother herself. It sounds like she was one step away from being murdered. Thank God you told your mother.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Then you work to change public perception of the acceptibility of the practice. Just like during slavery times, that was seen as normal and appropriate until some people worked very hard to change public perception about it.

I'd prefer some wild illegal actions, but oh well, ok

Hmmm... how to change public perception? I'm going to think about that.

The way we treat animals feels exactly like slavery to me. Good analogy.

Thanks Erin.

[ns123]

Stories like this makes me realize how important it is, for educators and for people who work with children to NEVER EVER label a child as a trouble maker because of certain behaviors.

Often times there is a reason behind the behavior. If we could all see children this way, that they are beings of light, they they deserve to be loved, and that they deserve our understanding, our time, and our care, just think what a difference it would make!

If her teachers had LIVED that philosophy, had taken the time to care and get to know her, no matter how challenging, well, just think what a difference this makes!

Thank you, Erin, for reinforcing in me the importance of spreading this philosophy. All children are beings of light and require time, love, attention, and our compassion. This is a very easy thing to say, but a much more challenging thing to live and allow it to pervade every aspect of your life.

NS

[Mato Kinze]

Erin,
Your post made me think of a girl I knew in Grade School. She was like Sophie in a lot of ways. Whe was reclusive, always seemed a little "off" and was the butt of most of the playground jokes and bullying.

I could see that it was hard for her, but unfortunately, I was not like you.

I was in with the crowd, teasing and making fun of her - not helping her live a better life or feeling any real compassion for her at all. She spent the bulk of our school years on the periphery and honestly, after middle school, I didn't even realize that she was still in school with us.

Then, about four or five days ago, I saw that she had posted little bio of herself in one of those class reunion websites.

She was married, had two gorgeous kids and looked about as happy as anyone I knew.

I suppose it was a salve to my guilt at being one of those who treated her so badly. I felt so glad that she had come to a good life and seemed to have done very well for herself despite our horrid behavior as kids and the hell we must have put her through.

They say living well is the best revenge, but I think it doesn't really have anything to do with revenge. I think it's just a triumph of its own.

Thanks for the story.

[amixa]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Yeah this was like 28 years ago and I don't think teachers were as educated about what to look for, nor were they required to report suspicious behavior.

Well, just about 14 or 15 years ago when people knew what signs to look for it still didn't happen.
I was maybe in grade 4 - 6 (I'd have to get out my school pictures to figure this out) when there was this really really quiet guy who transferred to our school. Our school was quite small despite being in a fairly large city so everyone knew who everyone was, if not by name by face at least.
Anyway, he was so painfully shy, ever more so then me and I was apparently quite shy.
I'm not quite sure what order this went in -- doesn't matter because nothing was done. He tended to miss school a lot and I remember my teacher sending me down to the office to pick up a note. I felt the urking feeling to read it, so I did. It saying 'Timmy' 'apparently' fell down the stairs today and could not come to school. This was the secretary who wrote this. At some point his mother came to pick him up from school and she had a blatent black eye. She could barely bring herself to make eyecontact with the teacher. It was quite obvious what was going on and I figured once he transferred out of our school (didn't take too long) that meant they reported the family to social services. My parents aren't the type to 'get involved' so there would be no use telling them what was happening. The other students probably sensed it and I'm sure it came up in conversation once or twice.

Then maybe 4 years later I was on a bus and saw him and his mother with a sibling and his dad. They were all still together. He looked just as shy and I didn't know if I should say hi -- if he would have even remembered me at all.

I couldn't believe they were still together -- I'm not sure how social services work at least where I live, perhaps the children need to admit they are being abused? I was quite shocked as it seemed my teachers and the staff would be the type to report it. So yeah. I have no idea if today things are all that different. I'm sure more are reported then before but I wouldn't be surprised if some known children are still left to fend for themselves.

Its also possible it was reported though and they fled.

Nice to hear a happy ending though.

[jenlili]

That's actually what I find most amazing. I went to school in the 60s and 70s. Yeah before Child Protective Services were...what? What they are now? Underfinanced, understaffed, and overworked? But what amazes me most about your story, and you wrote it so well, was that this girl had friends. We had the dirty smelly kids too (well we had several, I grew up in the sticks...my kids love to tell people their mom was a hillbilly). They were picked on or ignored by just about everyone. Some of us were kind to a certain extent. I can't say I was ever "friends" with any of them, but I was also never rude to them. But I have no recollection of the ones in my class at least, ever getting included or playing with other kids. And once we got to high school, I was on a different academic track and never "saw" them anymore.

I believe with all my heart you did the right thing in telling your mother, but I have no doubt that girl would have survived. She had friends.

[ottantaventi]

This story touched me profoundly. Thanks for sharing it.

Although I want to point out a little sentence at the bottom of your post:

True compassion is stepping in when injustice is present. Help others because one day you might need help.

I think that true compassion is giving and loving without asking and not giving because one day you might need help. I consider getting that help back only a positive "side effect".

ciao
alexander

[Erin Pavlina]

I agree, didn't mean to connect the two sentences.

[Akashic_Librarian]

I have a friend in a similar situation, and despite my constantly telling her, she won't go to the authorities, but honestly I don't know what to do, I might mention it to someone at school, when i go back after the holidays.

[coLLege kid07]

I greatly appreciate your post and believe it is wonderfully written. =) I know that if someone was in my situation (not having to do with abuse or anything) I would want to help them.

[Michele321]

Originally Posted by jenlili

I believe with all my heart you did the right thing in telling your mother, but I have no doubt that girl would have survived. She had friends.

Survived, yes, probably. But who wants to be a survivor? Her "friends" did the best they knew how- to shelter her from the storms. But what Erin and her mother did was help remove her completely. Much better in my opinion.

Michele

[Rosie]

Wow Erin, what a touching story!! You almost had me in tears! I bet she's having a wonderful life now, and all thanks to you and your mom

[Nani]

The overall message "don't be a bystander" got me thinking. My brother told me this morning that he witnessed somebody walk out of a small store without paying for a bottle of juice. He was going to tell the owner but then rethought it and decided he didn't want to get involved.

Did he do the right thing? He choose to be a bystander instead of speaking up. I think he should have spoken up, but then, if it were me in his place I don't think I would have done it either. In fact, I think I saw this guy doing it before because I remember thinking, "did this guy just walk out of the store without paying?" but I brushed it off.

Me not wanting to get involved is another way of saying that I don't want to get hurt. There's no way to know if the theif is a dangerous person...and if they find out I'm the one that reported him, he can get his friends to beat him up, or he'll do something himself. It's that kind of fear that's stopping me from saying something, and I think it's what stopped my brother. Now I know that this is just simple theft and not something horrendous so the chances of getting hurt are small, but they're still there. In that case, is looking the other way justified? Something tells me it's not, but another part of me says that I'm just not willing to risk my life and there's nothing wrong with that. This was sort of an issue with Erin's story as well, as she risked getting beat up by this girl's friends. Any thoughts?

[Ladybug2]

Thankyou Erin for sharing this story with us. In every situation there are choices to be made.

I think being a "bystander" to some extent is just a safer option than speaking up because of the level of risk involved. (Perhaps confidence and past experiences have a hand in it too) but......I think when we intentionally choose to stop being a bystander our perspective shifts from the feeling of lack and fear to a more deliberate and courageous feeling that no matter the outcome---we embrace risk. And that is not always easy. And in this story...we are talking about children.

I know that for many years I actively prayed for strength because I felt it was what I needed to live with purpose---but interestingly enough, I needed courage more than strength. I believe our level of consciousness has a lot to do with "actively living in the present" or "watching life unfold from the sidelines". I cannot say that either is wrong. It's just like all things---its a choice we make that shapes our reality.

I too, had a similar experience with a childhood friend except she wasn't being abused but probably more neglected and I would say probably not deliberately. (All of this happened in the early 1980's) My friend's family was poor and unable to provide for her and her brothers (foodwise) on a regular basis. So, knowing her situation i took it upon myself to save snacks and leftovers from my home and encouraged other close friends in the neighborhood to do the same (we've been friends since kindergarten to this day). I guess I never told because I (felt) or knew that at the very least---they were eating. She had a very loving mother who was extremely overwhelmed through divorce and alot of kids (they were a family of 6 plus her mom).

Its hard to speculate what you would do in the face of a crisis like this. I am not sure if I had had Erins courage at this age---would I have had the courage to speak up.....because at this age it is awefully tempting to keep quiet even if it was for a more selfish reason (losing the friendship, being chastised by other classmates etc...because, remember...these are kids) I am truly grateful that they made it through these times and that my mother didn't catch me sneaking snacks to my best friend.....

This story had been on my mind recently and now that I have had time to really think about it---I can let go of it. Strange how we hold on to situations. Thankyou for letting me reflect upon it and thankyou again Erin for reflecting on matters from the heart.

Ladybug

[ns123]

Nani,

I totally am on the same page with you. Some times, doing the right thing does get you hurt. Some times, it hurts a lot.

here are my stories:

1. one time, when I was buying a lot of merchandise, the cashier forgot to scan one item, cost of $40. When I saw this in the receipt, I went back in to tell her that she forgot to charge me for it. She actually argued with me, because she was one of those teenage minimum wage cashiers that didn't really care and didn't want to get in trouble for forgetting to charge me for that item. Finally, I got her to believe me, and she charged me the extra $40 I would have paid. But it was a very painful and unpleasant process, no thanks, and I was charged $40 for my honesty.

2. When I was in high school, a college girl and I closed up a shop that we worked at. She kept the key normally, but sometimes, I was able to close up the shop on my own. One night, we closed up shop together and I gave her a ride home in my car. The next day, she got in trouble because she lost the key to the shop and new locks were scheduled to be installed. I later found the key in my car (before new locks were installed) - she must have dropped it when I gave her the ride home. I was going to do the right thing and tell the boss that I found the key (no spending $$ for new locks), but my mom stopped me and said that I would be blamed for the lost key, since it was in my car. She said that they would think that I lost the key and I pretended to find it in my car because I gave the girl a ride home. She told me to keep quiet and not say anything. I followed her advice.

The point of these two stories are, some times, doing the right thing (and it is clear what is the right thing in this situation), sometimes gets you in trouble. Or sometimes, the thanks you get is nothing but pain and/or suspicion.

I think the true test of courage is when we always do what's right, no matter what the cost to us, even if we stand alone.

I struggle with this a lot. I am not too sure I have this courage, as some battles, even if I know I am on the side of right, are not worth fighting for.

[Ninja]

Originally Posted by jenlili

I believe with all my heart you did the right thing in telling your mother, but I have no doubt that girl would have survived. She had friends.

You honestly believe a couple of 12-year old girls can protect her? They weren't around sophie 25/7 and even if they were, I doubt they would have been a match for mom. I think the poor kid was lucky that mommy dearest only broke her arm and not her neck!

[jenlili]

No I don't honestly believe that. I guess I was just focused on the fact that she had friends and wasn't completely alone. Or maybe, unconsciously, I just believe that since she had made it to sixth grade was going to survive. If her mother was going to kill her, she'd have already been dead. I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking really. If I had to stop and really think about what I was going to say...I'd still be ruminating...about something from years ago. I'm an overthinker. I have to continually tell myself that "good enough is good enough" and "a job done poorly is better than a job not done at all" or I would never ever do or say anything.

I wonder though: I think mommy dearest was conscious on some level of breaking her arm and not her neck, knowing she couldn't get away with murder, though she was. so far, getting away with torture.

[Lenie]

I was a Sophie. (Although it was never an iron. Only shoes, household items in close proximity, metal lined wooden rulers & lighters - that were lit).

Someone made a comment about how it must've been to not be able to trust or receive protection from one's own mother.

You're right.

All I'll say is it's pretty unimaniginable, alright.

I fully respect and appreciate your brave decision. You don't know how many times I looked at grownups with the most longing in my young little eyes. How badly I wanted someone, anyone, to care enough to do something. Even though it could backfire and mean even more trouble. That's all I wanted.

Thank you, Erin.

[MissK]

For many years, really up until now when i have started focusining on personal development and taking responsibility for my life, i've been a frightened person. Shy to the point of hardly speakiing for days. Absoloutely wanting no attention on me in anything. If anyone was going to be watching i wouldnt do it. This has greatly limited my lifes joy and experiences. I am 21.
Though i have far to go, i have come a far way from 2 years ago being depressed and suicidal to looking forward and being excited about my life, existence and potential.

I always thought something was horribly wrong with me. I thought i was disgusting waste of space. I began personal development maybe around 14 but it wasnt really true healing just anything to make me feel better and keep me alive because i knew i wanted to make it.

My mother has always been in pain from the moment i was born. I can never remember a true smile or happiness in her. Shes very quiet and carries her misery with her. Her frustartions needed an outlet and i was it. My abuse was emotional. I was nothing, a b word, useless, waste of space, disgusting, fat, etc. It rubbed off on me.

My dad left many times.

I witnessed him abusing my mother often (slamming the door on her head, dragging her by the hair through a car window in the rain while he was driving, pushing her down the stairs when pregnant with my brother.)

I was raped by my step brother at 5. My mom and dad knew but my dad threatened to leave my mom. So we stayed. i lived in my house with my abuser scared to death. My mom didnt protect me.

my mom was in the air force and i was separated from her when i was young. Stayed with an uncle who hated me.

the same uncle and a close male family friends were inappropriate with me.

This all snowballed. I had zero self esteem. No one spoke to me. I was odd couldnt be myself. No friends. All the while my mom hating me for being a reflection of her and adding on to my self hatred. also i was a failure, a non achiever because i never wanted to attract attn to myself at all costs and be judged. no confidence at all.

It wasnt til i learned to take responsibility for myself, my emotions and growth that my life began to turn around. I dont blame my mother because now i can see her hurt, humaness and all shes been through. She really honestly did her best.

But it was a lonely world. There is nothing quite like

"to not be able to trust or receive protection from one's own mother." -Lenie

I know i was odd but i always use to wonder why noone saw fit to intervene in this young ladys life and ask why she was so sad and despondent instead of ignoring my uncomfortable presence. People are usually so wrapped up in their life to raech out a hand. But i am thankful for my life and would never have it any other way. Its taught me loads of empathy and compassion. I now make it a habit to talk to children or other adults i see (less often) consistently who always look sad or down.