Question for Erin on connection and empathy

[NDavid]

Hi all :-)

This is a question about Erin's ability to connect with people and read their feelings as discussed in Steve's article 'Soulful realtionships'. In my humble opinion, this gift is even more impressive than your psychic ability :-).

I think the greatest strength of a lightworker is their ability to connect with other people (that's how you develop compassion right?) and since I'm trying to polarise as one, I'm looking to develop my empathic abilities. So Erin, how do you develop this ability? I know that in the article Steve said this came from your realising that we are all one (aka subjective reality). But how do you know when you've truly merged with another person and are really understanding them as oppsoed to just deluding yourself (I'm referring to myself here and my less than stellar attempt to merge with and read the feelings of my family and some friends :-). I think I filtered my perception of their feelings through my own thoughts on them (if that makes any sense) How do you know when you've truly connected with someone as opposed to just 'thinking' you understand them?


I hope I'm making sense here! :-)

[Angela]

I don't think empathy is necessary for connection. In fact, I think empathy is overrated! For Erin, I think it's part of who she is and her personal life purpose, but I don't think empathy is something people need to cultivate. (I don't even know if empathy is one of Erin's values.) You can't feel another person's feelings, only your own, and for goodness' sake you're already identifying enough with your own thoughts and feelings to go muddying yourself up by identifying with others!

I think a far more effective way of being in the desire for compassion, connection, and relatedness is Presence. Just Being There. Free of judgement, free of needing to be right or to look good, generating freedom and love. Hearing what the person has to say the way she wants you to hear it. (How do you know? You say what you heard and ask her if that's the way she wanted you to hear it.)

But that's just me. Maybe empathy is part of your personal life purpose, too.

[Erin Pavlina]

Empathy is one of my highest values. I can't imagine going through my life in a state of not feeling or understanding how another person feels. How can I communicate with someone if I can't understand their feelings? I've spent a great deal of my life cultivating my empathy to be very strong.

One of the things I do and one of the things I'm really good at is discerning the underlying question or intent of a person's statements. I almost never answer a person's spoken question, I answer the underlying question that caused them to ask that question. Growing up people thought I was psychic because I would answer unspoken questions. I can immediately feel what a person is feeling and that can also facilitate me hearing what they're thinking. I often pick up on surface thoughts, and sometimes deep thoughts as well.

Part of my connection with others comes from empathy. I'm the first to notice when someone is upset or uncomfortable, about to panic and flee, even when they have not vocalized any such intent.

In situations I often imagine what the other person is feeling because it allows me to communicate more clearly and easily, addressing their issues not their words. Words often fail to express what a person is really feeling or thinking.

I'm not exactly sure how to cultivate empathy if you don't already have it. I would probably do exercises designed to make me more aware of others in my environment. Then I would imagine how a person is feeling. Then find out if I'm right.

Keep honing your empathy until you can do it consistently.

I would be blind without my empathy. It's like a limb for me.

[Mato Kinze]

The ability to feel empathy is definitely one you can develop.

The thing you have to get past is all the garbage you tell yourself about someone that separates them from you.

You have to get yourself in a place of compassion, recognize that feeling - 'cause it has a real physical sensation right? - and then carry that feeling with you as you engage the person you're struggling with connecting to.

For me, I visualize puppies. Sounds corny I know. But I'm a dog person and nothing in the world will melt my heart and make me all warm and fuzzy faster than an eight or nine week old, fluffy puppy with big soft eyes and a wet, shiny little nose. (If you're a dog person, just reading this probably made you go "Awwwww...." Sorry cat people... I just don't get you.)

I mean, who can be angry or hateful towards something that is so vulnerable, so innocent and so trusting?

But now I have that feeling. It's that softness in my core that I can carry over to drape like a blanket over whomever I'm working with. I've put aside all my baggage and garbage and all the stories I'm telling myself about this person and I'm simply there to connect with an open mind and open heart.

I suspect this process would work for anyone - you just have to figure out what makes you go, "Awwww...."

[NDavid]

Hi all,

Thanks for all the advice :-).

"I think a far more effective way of being in the desire for compassion, connection, and relatedness is Presence. Just Being There. Free of judgement, free of needing to be right or to look good, generating freedom and love. Hearing what the person has to say the way she wants you to hear it".

Thanks, that's sounds like some good advice I've heard before but kinda struggle to do consistently, I'll work on it :-)

"Maybe empathy is part of your personal life purpose, too."

I feel best when I can feel a connection and be in empathy with others, so yeah it is part of my purpose.

"How can I communicate with someone if I can't understand their feelings?"

That's exactly how I feel!! I can't communicate on a soul level unless I can truly understand where they're coming from in terms of their feelings.

"One of the things I do and one of the things I'm really good at is discerning the underlying question or intent of a person's statements. I almost never answer a person's spoken question, I answer the underlying question that caused them to ask that question"

That's exactly what I want to be able to do consistently! So how do you realise the underlying question? Sometimes I can feel it and other times I'm well off base.

"In situations I often imagine what the other person is feeling because it allows me to communicate more clearly and easily, addressing their issues not their words. Words often fail to express what a person is really feeling or thinking".

But here's where I sometimes hit a snag, sometimes I'm spot on, other times I'm not, how do you know when you're just imagining what you think the other persons feeling as opposed to what they're actually feeling? Is there I mindset you adopted that allows you to be free of your own personal opinions that would influence what you believe they're feeling?

"I would probably do exercises designed to make me more aware of others in my environment. Then I would imagine how a person is feeling. Then find out if I'm right."

I've tried this, but this is what's been giving mixed results for me- hit and miss.

"But now I have that feeling. It's that softness in my core that I can carry over to drape like a blanket over whomever I'm working with. I've put aside all my baggage and garbage and all the stories I'm telling myself about this person and I'm simply there to connect with an open mind and open heart."

Maybe this is what I've been missing and what Erin does unconciously, thanks I'll give it a go! :-)

[supertom]

this is also on Steve's article 'Soulful realtionships',

i would like what would my midset be when playing soccer and martial arts cause im in direct competition with the other person, how do i view it ??

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by supertom

this is also on Steve's article 'Soulful realtionships',

i would like what would my midset be when playing soccer and martial arts cause im in direct competition with the other person, how do i view it ??

Well that's not that hard..it's a competitive mindset. If you want to get something other than just competitiveness out of soccer ect. than you can adopt other mindsets such as just having fun, enjoying yourself ect. It all comes down to choice: you can view it however you want to view it---bottom line it all depends on what are you trying to get out of it. If your doing it to stay in shape ect. than maybe your mindset could be something like have fun/compete or something to that extent. It's all your choice

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Empathy is one of my highest values. I can't imagine going through my life in a state of not feeling or understanding how another person feels. How can I communicate with someone if I can't understand their feelings? I've spent a great deal of my life cultivating my empathy to be very strong.

One of the things I do and one of the things I'm really good at is discerning the underlying question or intent of a person's statements. I almost never answer a person's spoken question, I answer the underlying question that caused them to ask that question. Growing up people thought I was psychic because I would answer unspoken questions. I can immediately feel what a person is feeling and that can also facilitate me hearing what they're thinking. I often pick up on surface thoughts, and sometimes deep thoughts as well.

Part of my connection with others comes from empathy. I'm the first to notice when someone is upset or uncomfortable, about to panic and flee, even when they have not vocalized any such intent.

In situations I often imagine what the other person is feeling because it allows me to communicate more clearly and easily, addressing their issues not their words. Words often fail to express what a person is really feeling or thinking.

I'm not exactly sure how to cultivate empathy if you don't already have it. I would probably do exercises designed to make me more aware of others in my environment. Then I would imagine how a person is feeling. Then find out if I'm right.

Keep honing your empathy until you can do it consistently.

I would be blind without my empathy. It's like a limb for me.

hmm upon reading your post I've seemed to have held this value greatly in my life without really fully knowing it. I've always tried to be nice to everyone and always for some reason I'd had a big urge to empathsize with people.

Some things that bother me though are when people aren't willing to accept it. Maybe it's something I need to accept myself, but when I can tell people are suffering and they refuse any help..it bothers me a little bit.

[Mato Kinze]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

hmm upon reading your post I've seemed to have held this value greatly in my life without really fully knowing it. I've always tried to be nice to everyone and always for some reason I'd had a big urge to empathsize with people.

...except for your parents when they're exhibiting "deep unconsciousness"?

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Mato Kinze

...except for your parents when they're exhibiting "deep unconsciousness"?

Is that truth..or your perception of it?

[Mato Kinze]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Is that truth..or your perception of it?

What's the difference?

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by supertom

this is also on Steve's article 'Soulful realtionships',

i would like what would my midset be when playing soccer and martial arts cause im in direct competition with the other person, how do i view it ??

I really enjoy playing soccer when I can play with the feeling of empathy/connection with everyone out there- of course it helps we're just a random group that play pick-up every week, we chat/joke and you're as likely to play together as against any individual from week to week- but it is fun to feel like you're almost dancing together as you play, like the competiton creates these beautiful moments of passes strung together thru the opponents or a beautiful diving save- you couldn't create those moments without the context of competitive efforts, but somehow as a whole it is really cooperative playfulness sorta like seeing economics/free markets creating efficiency out of individual selfish competition (in the right circumstances)