|04-15-2008, 07:06 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2007
Anger and Psychic Abilities
Someone mentioned to me that anger and stress can block psychic ability.
This makes sense to me, as when I am very happy I seem to be more psychic, and when I'm under stress my intuition seems to wane.
What can I do to get rid of anger about things I can't change? I can't walk away, and I can't change the situation, so how do I learn to accept it or release the anger so I can get back to normal? I'm looking at 8 more years of this, so I have to find a way to get over it. I'm dealing with someone who is psychologically damaged and while I try to get help for her despite her resentment, and mine, how do I let it go? I'm in a position of trying to not do any further psychological damage while raising her to adulthood, while frankly, I don't like her sometimes after years of constant disrespect and outright hatred directed my way.
If she were an adult, she would already be cut out of my life, but that is completely out of the question. So, we go to counseling, I make mistakes constantly because we're both miserable, my intuition is fading, and I honestly don't know what to do. Logically, I know the things that happen (and are said) are not the fault of a 10 year old because of the psychological damage done by mentally ill relatives and traumatic experiences, but emotionally, after years of hostility I'm worn out.
It mostly falls on me because my husband is a workaholic who stubbornly believes all our children need is more mommy time, something else we will be addressing in our next counseling session. He isn't going to change, though, so that is something that I have to accept and work around, and release anger over also. I'm dealing with abandonment issues, psychological damage, possible learning disabilities that we're testing for this week after fighting with schools and doctors for 3 years, relatives who have undermined the family unit, a fairly absent father, and early puberty starting at age 6. I'm responsible for teaching about everything, and no matter how I explain, or what books I get, there is still not a clear understanding of how these things work. It's terrifying for me that she doesn't get it and I don't understand how her mind works or why she can't follow things. Schools don't flunk anyone anymore and so far only 1 teacher has been concerned. Our district is so awful that even though she is below grade level by 1 1/2 grades, not only has she never been flunked, she is 5th from the top of her class! Because of our personality clash and the fact that we just don't seem to speak the same language, homeschooling is out of the question, and until we know if there is a learning disability we don't really know what to do to help her learn. I don't know if she just doesn't care, if she has PTSD due to a traumatic experience at 6, if there is a learning disability or what. Depression and addiction run in her family, so that is a concern, and there were suicides on both sides also.
I vacillate between my heart breaking for her and extreme anger at her. I know it isn't her fault but I'm so tired of bearing the brunt of her anger and being the one responsible for everything. I grew up with a mother who didn't like me, and the irony kills me. I don't want to be this kind of mother, and she deserves better. I'm also chronically ill and just don't feel well enough to deal some days. I don't feel like I know how to help her since I wasn't exactly raised by supportive parents myself. I don't have an example to follow, and I honestly don't understand her at all. I feel for her, but she sets my teeth on edge. I feel so inadequate, but I also feel set up in an impossible task. It's so frustrating and I'm terrified she's going to end up suicidal, or on drugs.
To add to the stress, I've made my living doing readings for a long time, and I can't keep paying for counseling if I can't rely on my intuition. My work is suffering.
My husband is killing himself working to pay for everything he can, and I can't rely on my intuition because of the stress, and I can't be nurturing because of the way I feel. I hear other stepmoms talk about how much they love their stepkids and I feel awful. We were fine when I was his girlfriend, but when I became 'mom' that was the end.
|04-16-2008, 06:10 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2007
44 views and not a single suggestion?
I know this situation has been created by adults who don't even live in our household, and neither of us should go through life feeling this way.
Both children have natural psychic abilities also, but like me, they are thrown off by the tension in the household. I would like us to all be able to mellow out and be able to get along and spend time sharing this thing we have in common...but, I feel psychically 'attacked' on a daily basis, and have for years because of the things she has been told about me by the hostile relatives who want to undermine her relationships with me and her father. When she talks on the phone with them for days afterwards there are changes in her behavior.
Grounding exercises just aren't doing it for me. My husband doesn't understand how the whole psychic thing works, so he thinks I should be able to just shake it off and do readings every day no matter what is going on in the household. He also thought that therapy wasn't necessary and it took me 2 1/2 years to get us there. Now that he's made that concession, he is back to thinking things are fine.
We started out with so much hope, and now I just feel like giving up. It's ruining me professionally. I don't feel like it makes much difference in her life if I stay or go, other than another mom abandoning her.
Leaving would be wrong, but staying is going to destroy me and my psychic self.
Am I really the only person to ever go through anything like this?
|04-16-2008, 07:25 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2008
I also find that when I'm under stress or feeling strong emotions, my intuition feels clouded.
EFT is great for releasing emotions like anger. Have you tried it before? If not, I'd recommend checking out Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique . There are some free videos on there that show you how to do it.
I hope you can find a way of resolving your situation or of at least making it more bearable.
I'm sending lots of positive energy your way!
|04-16-2008, 07:46 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston, TX
I am truly sorry for your situation. I have never been in your EXACT situation - dealing with so many huge challenges with a child. So I am not sure what advice to offer.
That said, I have tried to help another adult of lower consciousness before - only to my ruin. It almost broke up my wonderful marriage. In the end, I chose to kick the other adult out of my life. I still feel guilt because I believed that I was the only one who could help him - or willing to - and he had no one else. But I later realized, that it was HE who needed to help him. So letting go of the guilt was my first step. I believe that I have healed from this very painful part of my life.
Based on how you worded your pose, it looks like you've been trying to find balance - caring for her and yourself. It doesn't look like you have the support system in place for a "balanced solution." From your words, I sense that you feel you are at this alone.
If you are at this alone, I see you have two choices:
1. you either throw yourself into the fire and try to pull her out at the risk of losing your own sanity. You may succeed, you may fail. This is a risk, but you must be willing to pay this price if you choose this path.
2. walk away and recognize that you are making a conscious choice to NOT RISK this price - the price of your sanity. And FORGIVE yourself.
Either way, you must recognize that you, and you ALONE, have the power to create your own happiness - to end this situation.
If you chose to walk away, it will be painful. People may call you names, they may say bad things about you. You cannot live your life for other people at the detriment of your own! If you stay and change the situation, you may lose yourself - which sounds like it's already happening.
It seems to me you have some very big decisions to make. You need to just make it and accept what follows - as it doesn't seem like there are any other roads for you.
I'm truly sorry. I hope that what I've said does not cause you great pain.
I know how it feels to feel responsible for someone and then realize that I was not willing to give my soul for them. And I did have guilt and sadness for a long time - and he turned out even worse without me there to be his crutch. But I have learned to forgive myself and move on.
|04-16-2008, 08:53 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2007
I feel like I can't abandon this child, but I fear that she is already lost.
I love her father dearly, but he is flawed, and he has some blind spots when it comes to this situation. He also has a lot of guilt and I don't want to add to it.
Counseling is helping somewhat but she's 10, and at 6 she was so screwed up already, I don't know if the damage can be undone.
Some background-she found her mother after her suicide. For the first 6 years of her life she witnessed her rages and constant accusations of infidelity, throwing and breaking things, and so on. Her mom's entire family was raised by a woman who taught them that all men are cheaters and all women are trying to 'take your man.' When I came into her life she already had bizarre ideas about how male/female relationships worked, and she was in early puberty. There is suspicion that mom did drugs while pregnant. She was raised primarily by dad when he wasn't working, her older brother, the aunts who have the same odd ideas about men, and daycare. She watched entirely too much TV and when I met her, she thought the dramatic love relationships she saw (which were much like her mother's behavior) were 'normal.' Think Desperate Housewives. I have spent years trying to teach her that women are not in competition, and that I am not worried about whether or not her father works with, or speaks to another woman in the course of his day. She tries to start arguments between us by saying things like 'Mom, did you see dad look at that woman?' or 'Dad, mom thinks Brad Pitt is cute.' We don't bite, but she continues, still. We had an incident with a family friend where she got mad at the father because she concocted in her head that he was 'keeping her from her boyfriend' when in fact, he was babysitting her for us (she was 8) and his 13 year old son had football practice so he wasn't home.
There are issues with playing dumb, and 'forgetting' things, yet she can remember complicated things that she is interested in, so we know it's all an act, and it reminds both of us of the drug addicted relatives who pretend to forget responsibilities to get out of things. There is a lot of passive aggressive behavior and when she has contact with the relatives I swear it's like they tell her to come back and not do anything we ask of her. One aunt boasts about not doing what people want her to, so this is not exactly a paranoid notion.
To add to the drama, I met my husband at work. I was a single mom, dating someone I met outside of work and he was this nice married guy with this cute kid he sometimes brought to work with him. I had no idea about his home life whatsoever. I found out months after we were together, long after her death, that the one time I met his wife she had run home, called all her sisters and told them that her husband was having an affair with someone at work, apparently me. Not true, but now, they all believe it, and since we ended up dating and eventually marrying, well....that just 'proves' it. This was all repeated to her kids, so our daughter has asked me repeatedly whether or not I was dating her dad when her mom was alive. I could have the guy I was dating (and dumped for dh) come talk to her, but it wouldn't matter, they are going to believe until they die that we had an affair.
So, evidently, she was some kind of psychic, she just had her predictions a little sideways. Well, it's almost funny. At least I know where our daughter gets her intuition. She was very intuitive but she often had something a bit 'off.' Before her death she woke from a dream, looked at dh and said 'you went and married her!' He told me that one long after we were married. In their house there was a place on the floor that she would scrub and insist there was a stain that nobody else could see, and when I moved a plant after we were together, there was a leak, and the stain appeared exactly where she had been scrubbing all that time.
So, she definitely had something. But she was all wrong about us having an affair, she misinterpreted her information and boy, has it caused me grief.
I can endure this, unhappily. I can go do some other job, but what is going to happen to her? She won't be able to work if this is how she relates to people. The people she idolizes are incapable of holding down jobs and survive on handouts, and at 10 she doesn't see this.
No matter what I do, I'm wrong somehow. If I give up, I'm wrong for not trying. But if I stay and try, I'm just continuing to harm myself. But my child is glad to have a father, and I waited a long time to fall in love again.
Maybe I'm supposed to be alone?
Last edited by pattycakes; 04-16-2008 at 08:57 PM.
|04-16-2008, 10:50 PM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2007
Pattycakes -- Oh how my heart goes out to you. Not so sure you're supposed to be alone, but maybe you're not supposed to be in this relationship/situation? How long after the mom committed suicide did you and he hook up? Popping up in my mind are themes related to saviour and martyr for you from your posts. It's hard to imagine why you would put all this on your shoulders. It's apparent it's crumpling you from the inside and breaking you apart piece by piece. If you don't do something to heal and protect yourself, it will manifest itself as something that will force you to pay attention. You already mentioned you are chronically ill. How much more ill do you need to be to take care of yourself? What would happen if you did leave? Dad would be forced to step up to the plate and take care of his daughter, or would he find another warm motherly body to buffer him from his responsibilities to her. (I'm sorry if that sounds harsh - I don't know him, but from your posts, it seems he's more than happy to turn away and claim it's the mother time she needs when he can't deal. His daughter needs him.)
I suggest writing out a pros and cons list and be really self focused with it. Pros and cons for staying, and pros and cons for leaving. See what pops up for you. You already have some of it started in these posts.
Get your psychic armour up. If you don't know how to psychically protect yourself, google it, or ask here. There are many methods.
Ground yourself regularly. Get outside in nature as much as you can. Walk daily. Get plenty of water, fresh fruits and veggies. Take epsom salt/baking soda baths if you can. Clear the energy of your house, daily if you need to. Smudge, crystals, sound. Mitchell Gibson has a couple of CD's specifially made to clear energy using sound currents. See if either of these reasonate with you, or anything else on his website.
Spirit Attachment Removal
Explore EFT. Maybe there is a practitioner in your area. If you decide to stay in your relationship/situation, it may help you and your step-daughter. I sat next to the author of this EFT book for children at a conference and her energy was awesome.
Amazon.com: Tap into Joy: A Guide to Emotional Freedom Techniques for Kids and Their Parents: Susan Jeffrey Busen: Books
Take care of yourself.
|04-16-2008, 11:57 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2007
Oh, I think he would find another body.
He is all about working and providing, he has that kind of mentality.
And he worries. He also has told me time and time again that I've done more for her than her bio mom ever did. She never bonded at all and when she was a baby he took time off work to care for her. The reason he always had her at work was because she wasn't there for her. So while he is absent at times, he still was there for her more so than her mom. I think he doesn't realize how much she needs him now, and how much she was used to him being the primary caregiver.
He rescued me financially as well. So, is it a trade off, or is it blackmail? One year he spent a small fortune on my doctors when our HMO doctors weren't doing right by me, and he paid off all my bills when we got together.
I do think he naively thought I could fix everything, and it's frustrating for both of us. He throws money at problems, and I try to find out why people do the things they do. But I generally am nurturing until someone pushes me away, and since our daughter has continually been hostile and pushed me away, I'm burnt out. It leaves me wondering if I would feel differently if she were my own, or if it would make any difference.
I've gone out of my way to not downgrade her mom in any way, I've made sure her photos are displayed, helped with a scrapbook, packed away memorabilia for her to have. I just don't know if we will ever be able to get past her feeling like the only way she can remember her mom is to feel contempt for me.
I'll look into more grounding exercises. I've tried things over the years but I've never really had a lot of success.
|04-17-2008, 12:07 AM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2007
OH, in answer to your question, it was a few months. He doesn't do alone well, that is something I have learned.
From what his friends have told me, divorce was imminent if she had not died, but he has never really been alone for any length of time. I, on the other hand, took a long break after my divorce in 1989. I didn't even date for 7 years, so for a 2nd marriage to fail would mean I'm officially done. No more captivity for me, thanks.
I'm old, I'm tired, I'm sick, and it just isn't worth the aggravation or the expectations any more, I'm afraid.
I do readings for people nearly every day, and it's funny, everyone wants to find someone to love. That's it. They think that is going to solve all their problems. For me, it just brings new ones I never could have imagined.
|04-17-2008, 03:56 AM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston, TX
It sounds to me, based on the words you have chosen, that you feel like you owe your husband something, because he rescued you financially. So now, you feel like you have to rescue him (or his daughter) emotionally. And maybe he also feels like you owe him too. Maybe that's a small part of the reason why he rescued you financially.
Whatever decision you make, stay or go, you will have to accept what follows. And both roads pose its challenges.
If you choose to stay:
There is a website about a highly conscious mom that managed a adoptive son with an emotional disorder. I've read her blogs and found her experience most useful. You can start here:
janetajackson.com - Home
I am not sure if your daughter is a RAD child, but what you are going through sounds very much like what Ms Jackson went through. She pulled out of it through the practice of mindfulness (meditation). Her blog entries are old (2 yrs) but their words still have resonance.
I hope it helps you.
|04-17-2008, 04:32 AM||#10 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2007
Thank you again. At this point I'm open to any suggestion that involves a way to diffuse the anger and hopefully reach her. I just don't think I can walk out on them at this time, I think it would do more damage to everyone else than it would help me just yet.
Ulterior motives, hmmm. Wouldn't that be a kick in the head if he was just as manipulative as the people who drive both of us nuts? Kind of like the classic abuser who starts out being so attentive and then gradually isolates as he transforms into someone else....yikes.
Not liking that idea much, but it makes sense.
OMG, I just read the symptoms of RAD, and that is her, to a T. THANK YOU! Something to discuss with the therapist.
Last edited by pattycakes; 04-17-2008 at 04:36 AM.
|04-17-2008, 08:42 AM||#11 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Washington State
I used to try to help my parents figure out how to be happier, healthier people. We'd have what felt like productive emotional discussions, I'd think I taught them something, and then nothing would change. The situation drained me, and the effort made me miserable because feeling responsible for their well-being doesn't work. Finally, one tearful, painful evening, I chose to let go of the belief that I could do anything. I realized that on some level, they wanted to be miserable, and if they were going to change, it would be on their terms, on their time line, not mine. When I truly let go of the need to help them, I felt such a sense of relief, and letting go made me a happier, healthier person. My decision to stop trying had no negative effect on them, either. If anything, ending the pressure to change allowed them the freedom and space to eventually make small changes on their own.
You could do an experiment: For a period of time, say three months, stop trying to save her. Let go of believing that you can change her. Accept her as an angry, disturbed, difficult child and decide there's nothing for you to do about it. Provide material needs: food, clothing, shelter. Provide structure and boundaries: bed time, wake up time, going to school, meal times, homework times. Refuse to react to bad behavior. Give gentle, positive attention when she's reasonable. Ignore outrageous accusations and comments. At the end of the trial period, you can choose to continue in this way, modify the boundaries, go back to what you were doing before, or try something new, but during that time, truly let go of the need to make something happen.
|04-17-2008, 05:19 PM||#12 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2007
From what I was reading about RAD, what she wants is for everyone around her to be miserable, and that is what she is getting, so that makes sense. Not reacting is the right reaction, because her goal (seemingly) is to disrupt the entire family and play people against each other.
It's not a good thing, but I'm relieved to know that 1) this is not an uncommon thing for someone with her background and 2) I'm not crazy or imagining things.
For years the only advice I have gotten has been that I should be the adult and have more compassion. I have compassion, but the people who offer this advice obviously do not live with someone like this. Compassion can be beaten right out of you over time.
|04-17-2008, 06:14 PM||#13 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston, TX
I don't know if your child is a RAD child - but at least there is comfort in knowing that there are people out there that know what you are going through. You need to surround yourself with support from others who have been through this. Maybe there are some strategies they can share with you.
Don't listen to anyone else who does not support you or says this situation is your fault and yours to deal with alone. It's just everyone else covering up the fact that they themselves choose not to help, so they guilt you into it so you can go at it alone - lets them off the hook. Don't listen to them and don't talk to them.
On googling on RAD strategies, I get some helpful pages:
Parenting the RAD Child: Reactive Attachment Disorder Parenting Tips
Support for Parents and Caregivers
I am sure there are others.
I am not saying your child is a RAD child. But maybe if you seek out support (not judgment) you will feel better internally dealing with the stress of parenting your particular child.
In parenting, there is never a perfect parent. We all have times when we feel we can't handle it. Or we all have times when we feel like we can strangle our children. Say that out loud and people will prosecute you for your thoughts, even though you would NEVER act on them. There is so much pressure to hide our true feelings, fears, and not discuss them openly. That is a problem for THOSE OTHER people - not for you. So seek out those who feel the same as you and can discuss these challenges honestly and openly without judgment.
Good luck to you.
|04-18-2008, 12:19 AM||#14 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2007
Considering her background, she has several of the risk factors, and the number of symptoms, I think it's something to explore with the doctor.
If she doesn't have RAD, she sure has something close to it. I was flabbergasted reading the webpages.
Maybe I'm beating a dead horse, but I would like to exhaust every possibility before I just give up. It's not like I could feel much worse...but maybe it isn't too late to help her.
|05-05-2008, 10:33 PM||#16 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2008
Anger and Psychic Abilities
Anger has been one of my "things to overcome" in this lifetime. Several things have helped me in dealing with it: Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth is teaching me to detach and allow the anger to pass through me instead of sticking. He mentions watching two ducks disputing territory. When it is over, they swim their separate ways and then beat their wings into the air to release the pent-up energy. This natural technique is not taught to humans. We are taught very little about handling emotions and I am so thankful for websites such as Steve and Erin Pavlina's.
For releasing pent-up anger, I HIGHLY recommend the CD Dynamic Active Meditation, by Deuter/Osho, available at Amazon.com. It takes 60 minutes. Do it alone. You will be releasing anger, crying, dancing and shaking. It's not scary. In fact, you will feel as if you've had an internal shower. (Several days later you may feel the overwhelming need for a long nap. Don't fight it. Take the healing nap. Something from the music and motion is balancing.)The CD directions state that at one point in the music you'll be told to stop & freeze. I choose, instead, to lie down with a blanket & pillow and usually fall into a deep sleep. The CD ends with beautiful, uplifting music which you move freely to for about 15 minutes. If you sleep through this part just start the CD again on the last track. Don't skip this last section.
Amazon.com: Dynamic Active Meditation: Deuter: Music
Two other active meditations I recommend are Kundalini and Nataraj, also by Deuter/Osho. Nataraj brings me peace and joy while Kundalini does the same - in a different way. Read their descriptions at Amazon.com.
These meditations were introduced to me by friends who traveled to Osho's ashram in Puna, India. He is a physician and she is a professor - both interested in health, learning and balance.
Doing these meditations will not fix your situation, only help you handle it.
|05-08-2008, 08:59 AM||#17 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Abu Dhabi, UAE
My heart absolutely goes out to you. Please remember that you have a right to not know everything, and a right to make mistakes. Please don't beat yourself up about this issue - your child seems to only enjoy your predicament. And it is really sad since she really doesn't know how else to behave.
Also I find it interesting that she had a psychic bio mom and a psychic step mom in you. Perhaps it is not a mere coincidence?
You cannot let anyone else manipulate you this way. Maybe you could take a break and go away to stay with some of your own family for a couple of weeks or so? Or go to a health care centre/resort to take care of yourself? You can then take care of yourself and come back stronger to take care of other people. Also you staying away for sometime could help her father take care of her for some time?
How did the therapy go? Hope things are getting better for you?
Love and prayers,
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