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Welcome to the Personal Development for Smart People Forums, the place for lively, intelligent discussion of all personal growth issues -- physical, mental, financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and more. You're currently viewing as a guest, which gives you limited read-only access. By joining our free community, you'll be able to post your own messages, access many members-only features, see the new messages posted since your last visit, and of course remove this header message. Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please join today. If you arrived here from a search engine, you may want to explore the main site first, which includes hundreds of deep and insightful articles on a variety of personal development topics. |
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02-23-2008, 01:41 PM
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 Living with a "low-vibration" spouse Imagine this, you're sitting in the passenger seat of your car, feeling happy for just no reason, amazed at what your kids are saying in the backseat, thankful that you have the resources you have, maybe thinking of what to fix for supper for the family.....only to be interrupted by your husband going "You @#$!*@#% piece of @#$%#%$...nice job dumbass...don't you know there's a turn signal in your car for a reason???" or calling the people you truly admire demeaning names (just because he doesn't get it  ). I've gone through a lot of soul-searching over the last year or so and have been trying to live a life of purpose. I try to keep my "vibration" high by staying positive, meditating when I can, and just simply noticing the true joys of just being alive and appreciating and making the most of the life I have now. Then here's my husband. He doesn't buy any of this and probably thinks it's all foo-foo. He's always making fun of other people, criticizing people he doesn't agree with, calling them names, or getting all worked up over people that "can't drive". Don't get me wrong, he's otherwise a wonderful person. Great dad, an extremely supportive husband and tries too hard at being a comedian. I think these little things he does are just manifestations of his insecurities and the need to feel better than others or to feel appreciated. I would love for both of us to be thinking in the same wavelength spiritually. But how does one do that? I'd hate to sound like his mom telling him he shouldn't call people names or that he doesn't have to make those facial expressions just to be funny or to prove a point. I don't think men generally like being told what to do/not to do.       |
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02-23-2008, 02:13 PM
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| Hugs to you and kudos for working so hard on yourself. Do you really have to tell him to stop? Maybe expressing your feelings in those situations would help. "Darling, I feel hurt/bothered/shocked/upset/frightened when you call people pieces of ****. Have you asked him not to insult people in your or your children's presence? That sounds like a request worthy of honoring out of love, doesn't it? If he doesn't feel so, are you sure you want to hang around him when he is misbehaving? Perhaps you need to communicate your boundaries as well à la this formula: - when these circumstances occur, these are the consequences - When there is insulting of other human beings going on, I leave the room. When the children or I are frightened in the face of booming or screaming, we will go somewhere we feel safe. I think stating your position clearly and being consistent (just like with kids) is important.
__________________ I love to grow. |
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02-23-2008, 02:19 PM
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| I wouldn't call him a "low-vibration spouse." I would call him an abusive spouse. He's not going to change because you tell him to, no more than you would change just because someone tells you to. But you can take 100% responsibility for the situation and protect your well-being and that of your children. You can distinguish the price he is exacting on you and your boys, and out of that, distinguish how much of that you're willing to pay in exchange for your husband's "wonderful person-ness." Your husband is the way he is because people have trained him to believe they will tolerate it. Your children are learning from you that it's okay to accept abuse if it comes from someone you love. Imagine what their relationships are going to be like! If I were you, I would let go of tolerance, since it is not serving your well-being or that of your boys. Tell your husband what the consequences of this abusive behavior are (whatever you determine they are -- up to and including leaving him.) Then abide by the standards you set for yourself, and for your children. |
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02-23-2008, 04:43 PM
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| Ok, some people have buttons. They are right out front where it is easy for certain people to push them. Your husband's seems to be the traffic/road rage button. My delightful, really awesome step-step grandfather has that same button. He's a dream until he's in traffic. Then the little monster inside him comes out. It's nothing more than a bad habit, reinforced daily. If you are telling the truth and your husband is a dream except for the road rage, I would try a state changer. Something really wacky that he has to quit raging to address. You can even get your kids involved. Depending on their ages, my suggestion would be anytime he goes ballistic, you and the kids start cracking up as if it's the funniest thing he's ever done. Then the next time he does it, have a little song pre-practiced for all of you to sing about grumpy grouches. He may get angrier at first but sooner or later, he will see what an idiot he is being. The thing that stopped my personal road raging is something so silly. Someone once likened the highway to the blood vessels in the human body. No one bloodcell ever questions any other bloodcell about why they are going ahead of the other or rushing where another is just cruising along or trying to squeeze into a too-narrow artery ahead of any other cell. Their goal is all the same: to keep the flow going. To get the nutrients and oxygen where it needs to be. So now I just have a little mantra I say when someone is an idiot: we are all here to keep the flow going. It's not a race. It's not a contest. Jennifer |
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02-23-2008, 04:53 PM
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| Wow, Angela, you are hardcore! That's great that you are trying to protect someone from a potentially abusive spouse, but I would have to disagree that he is abusive. Mom2boys, It's funny that you posted this because I just had a conversation with my boyfriend 2 days ago about the exact same behavior! He has road rage, and he insults people (especially people on TV). I told him how much it bothered me, and I asked him why he does it. He thinks it's because he doesn't have an effective outlet for anger, so he lashes out at other drivers, or by making fun of people on TV. I told him that it may feel good (temporarily) to get out the anger, but all he is doing is perpetuating negative energy and it's not a productive way of releasing anger. I suggested that he explore something healthier, like martial arts or something. I've been wanting to study martial arts for a while now, and I told him that maybe we could go to classes together. I'm not sure we will take any action on that for a while, but it really felt great for him to see how hurt I was by his insults of others. |
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02-23-2008, 05:51 PM
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1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority. 2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight. 3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign. Yeah, I guess I am hardcore, in that I have high standards, and I don't agree to tolerate behavior like the above. The husband is speaking insultingly, harshly, and unjustly, he is reviling and maligning, and the feelings of his family don't seem to influence his choices -- he feels justified, it sounds like. He feels right. That's his right, that's his choice, and I don't begrudge him that. AND..if I found myself married to a man who was abusive (of me OR of other people), I would take a stand for my standards: You're free to behave that way, but the consequences are that there is no freedom, love, or joy in the space of our family when you do. It's essential to me that my children grow up in a space of freedom, love and joy, and your continued abusive behavior will have me removing myself and my children from your vicinity. You choose. If a man is willing to abuse, revile, and malign people outside the family, you can be quite sure that eventually the family will get it, too. Likewise, if a wife is willing to tolerate herself or her children being abused, reviled or maligned, she is 100% responsible. (Note to you people who confuse responsibility with fault: not the same thing.) |
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02-23-2008, 06:14 PM
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I was thinking that it's only abuse if the person is attacking you directly, and not other people. But being around someone who insults others is definitely abusive to my positive feelings. |
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02-23-2008, 06:38 PM
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| Swearing while driving: I'm the queen of it. However, "wonderful spouses" do not behave in such a way that they think it's funny to make other people constantly feel as awkward as an erection in church. :-/
__________________ <jamariquay> I never understood the need for people to kill for their religion. Then I remembered, "Wait. If Optimus Prime tells me to gack someone, that ****er's going down." |
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02-23-2008, 06:52 PM
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I was just thinking: it probably won't help to tell your husband or boyfriend that he is being abusive, but that's not really necessary. I think the important thing is to let him know the big impact it has on the family, and the consequences of that impact. He is still free to choose the behavior. In other words, it's all about 100% responsibility for everybody. |
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02-23-2008, 08:01 PM
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Nothing will change a behavior faster than getting your self physically busted up every time you get aggressive.  |
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02-24-2008, 02:52 AM
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| Well, I was afraid my post would be taken the wrong way. I mean, it's really hard to describe someone and give justice to the rest of their being when you mention their faults because the faults are automatically what stands out. I don't know if it's human nature or the result of society where we only see the bad things. Leaving my husband is not an option. These habits I mentioned that he does is more of an irritation for me and not something I would leave him for. It's not like I deal with it all day long every single day. When he makes comments about people, he does it more in a conversational tone, not the "jock-type" ridiculing tone. And he doesn't yell either. He's very much the non-aggressive type unless someone he loves is in danger. He would never intentionally do anything to hurt my feelings. I suppose it just bothers me that the things that bother him or things he makes a big deal out of are so trivial in the grand scheme of things. He's not into all this metaphysical stuff. When I was trying to teach him some form of Feng Shui, he immediately says "as long as I don't have to do anything spiritual, I'll give it a try". Heaven forbid I try to teach him to meditate! I guess my real question is, how do you "enlighten" a heavy soul? Do you just lead by example? Do you tell them to try it this way and see how it works for them? Or do you just hope and pray that they see the light as they go through the journey and discover things themselves? I already know my life's purpose, and I don't think teaching my husband is part of the curriculum. |
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02-24-2008, 03:07 AM
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The best analogy I can make of this is it's like Erin being married to Chris Rock. It's a little bit extreme because I'm nowhere near as gifted as Erin, and my husband isn't as ridiculous as Chris Rock. But as Erin grows in her abilities and consciousness, she's still married to Chris Rock (or the image that he portrays of himself) who's stuck on "earth mode". So Erin, what would you do if you were married to Chris Rock??? lol!!! |
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02-24-2008, 04:14 AM
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Listen, Mom2boys, I'm not judging your husband. Everybody's got their choices to make, and some of his irritate you and some of yours irritate him. My previous advice for you still stands -- if you tolerate abusive behavior, if you sit back and allow your kids to be raised in an atmosphere where cursing other people out, calling them names, criticizing, demeaning and belittling people, is standard practice by the most trusted adults, you are 100% responsible for that. You can be fairly sure your boys will grow up tolerating that behavior, too. Or perpetrating it. Your husband is 100% responsible, too, of course. He's not here, though. You are. You want him to change his behavior and be on your more spiritual path. Why should he he change? He lives with someone who tolerates his behavior exactly as it is -- someone who actually justifies it for him! If someone close to me, like Chris Rock, was generating a space where verbal abuse was just the way it is sometimes, really other than that he's a great guy, I would not rely on hope and prayer as a means of achieving mastery. I do sort of like the image of Erin married to Chris Rock, though. That might make a good sit-com. "The Medium and The Mo-Fo." ( Accepting and tolerating are two entirely different animals, by the way. ) |
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02-24-2008, 06:10 AM
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| Ï fully agree with Angela. If you watch Oprah you know that Chris Rock has been a guest. His comedy takes place in adult only zones and often has the intention of drawing attention to race or political issues in the United States. His wife is a humanitarian and he supports her in her work. He's a funny guy no doubt, but I would closely monitor any contact a guy like Chris Rock might have with my children until sure of his behavior. I used to say the same thing, by the way. Except it wasn't my husband mistreating me - it was my parents - and a lot of it was emotional in nature. Screaming and yelling, name calling (directed at me and others), intimidation of someone smaller and unable to defend themselves, threatening, fear tactics, loneliness, lack of respect, hate, lies, inappropriate exposure to violence and pornography, brushing aside and joking about my tears and pain and that of others ... and more. All this was part of my daily life for many years and for a long time I told people "nah, it wasn't so bad". It wasn't so bad because my soul and heart and body were completely closed off to any feeling. I simply couldn't see it for how bad it was, because it was scary and painful to do so. Make no mistake, someone who shocks you out of calmness by yelling and screaming obscenities at other people on a regular basis has a problem. It IS abuse. There doesn't have to be hitting for there to be abuse (Oprah also said this, remember?) and it doesn't have to occur everyday for it to be abuse. You need to take yourself seriously. You need to take what your children are being exposed to seriously. It will leave a big fat mark, even if that may not be visible today and there is no way of telling how your children will react. Perhaps they will grow up to be abusers, perhaps they will let themselves be abused, perhaps they will simply cut off all contact to you and your husband for the pain he inflicted while you sat by and watched. You think I am exaggerating? Guess you'll find out, won't you?
__________________ I love to grow. Last edited by Michelle : 02-24-2008 at 07:18 AM. |
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02-24-2008, 09:22 AM
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| Look, it's all relative. Your hubby's a "low-vibration spouse" to you, but if you were Jesus or Buddha, just about everybody else around you would be pretty "low vibration" to you too. Nevertheless Jesus and Buddha treated everyone with a lot of kindness, love etc etc. Guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you could think of your hubby as a test for you, to see if you can be more .... accepting? patient? understanding? forgiving? Or maybe just a test to see if you can remain calm and serene even when someone is yelling at you for your bad driving. Whatever. If you are into the Law of Attraction, you'd see that you have a husband the way he is, also for a reason - your own thoughts. So once again the solution lies, as usual, in your own thoughts. Last edited by Acting Like Godot : 02-24-2008 at 09:24 AM. |
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02-26-2008, 02:18 AM
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| I'd be all for saying, "When you cuss while driving, I feel tense and anxious. If you're going to swear, yell, and get irritated at other drivers, I'm not going to ride with you in the car." Simple, direct, empowering. |
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02-28-2008, 05:52 PM
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| The OP shares comments that I could have said at one time, also.  My hubby of 32 years is amazing, and has revealed layers I never imagined. I began to notice them after I stopped focusing on the stuff he did that I disliked, and really focused on the attitudes and actions I love. He and I can misunderstand each other, but when we stop and really work at listening to each other, we learn amazing things. At a certain point, maybe 10 years ago, I intentionally stopped complaining and instead, began to describe him as being like a fine wine that improves with age, and that he keeps surprising me with new nuances I never knew he had. He lives up to that consistently. I have learned to practice the expectation of seeing all of the best elements of his character. That saying, "Be the change you want to see" applies here. Why be critical of another being critical, even if you are quiet while he is profane? Jennihul, I liked your state changing ideas. A silly song is good. One day I decided to say "I love you" every time I really wanted to criticize. After I said this to my husband about 6 times in a short period, I had to explain why I was doing it, so it broke the spell, but we got a good laugh, and it did make our mood happier as a result. We can change anything at all in our world by adjusting our perception, or our actions. IMHO, anyway. Have fun Joy |
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02-28-2008, 06:14 PM
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| That sounds great, joylangtry -- interrupt his pattern! Maybe the OP could use be a Husband Whisperer -- you know how Cesar Millan says "Tsssch!" to the little chihuahua and touches him with 2 fingers on the neck, and the pooch suddenly gets this blank look on its face and gets out its bad spiral. |
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03-01-2008, 11:15 PM
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| You could always try the "smile, nod, change the subject ASAP" approach... A buddy of mine can be like that, he's a great guy and incredible friend but has moments where he can become the most angry and bitter person on the planet. If you don't bother listening and just quickly agree ( I generally try to not listen and just nod or say "yeah") and change the subject, he not only shuts up, but will start cheering up and talking along with whatever is brought up instead of ranting and raving about whatever angered him in the first place. This approach also seems to keep him in a better mood and from going on his usual rants as often. Of course, along with NotesMaeve, I'm the king of rampaging while driving. I don't know how many times I've been on the phone with my girlfriend when she hears something like "Yeah, my day's going well too baby, I love- you ***d*** f****** dumb a** what the h*** are you thinking!!??!!??" when someone flies out in front of me/runs a red light and I almost hit them... The area I live in has seen a housing development/population explosion while the genuises running the city haven't seen fit to exapnd the roads, so traffic accidents have increased dramatically and driving like a maniac has become the norm. This is just a horrible pet peeve of mine (there is really nothing short of delivering your pregnant wife to the hospital/saving the world that is worth risking killing someone else on the road with your crappy driving over IMO), and I tend to flip out over it. My poor girlfriend just listens, calls me crazy sometimes, and usually helps me stay pretty cheered up Last edited by mlc82 : 03-01-2008 at 11:18 PM. |
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03-15-2008, 06:39 AM
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Then I realized that there will always be rude bad drivers, or cashiers that can't count, or waiters that forget about you so I did what most guys that haven't practiced spiritual exercises do, I internalized all of my angst. After a couple suicide attempts and 3 years of therapy, I've learned to control those impulsive responses. I realize that driving is like bumper cars, I'll never meet the teacher that passed the kid at the cash register in math and in restaraunts, the rule is, 5 minutes then it's ok to get up and leave. But you see, if us men lived in a world of all men, this would never be an issue. It's a primal guy reaction. Right or wrong, it's just what guys do. It's part of being an alpha male. That's why guys get into fights more than women do. It's a form of free speech. It's better to vent your feelings than internalize them until you find yourself in a bell tower with an AK-47. Do you ever wonder why men don't hug and kiss each other casually like women do? (informal greeting that is) It's because we're men. After confronting this problem; I was at the point where I was afraid to say anything. Ya know what? Not allowing your spouse to express his feelings is also a form of abuse. (abuse of one's authority) I don't condone my old behavior, but I understand it. Understanding makes it easier to overcome and I would think easier to tolerate. Now I realize that low vibrations don't help the cause. Your husband can make the change but he needs to want to do it for himself. He has to want to become a better person. You can't change him. But you can be an example for him to want to become. Like ALG said, use your thought process and LoA techiques to "inspire" change in him. But please don't nag him or make him do it for you. |