Choosing Our Emotions (Blog)

[Erin Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Erin Pavlina's blog:

Choosing Our Emotions

[David Hausladen]

Very cool! That's a new perspective from which to deal with negative emotions--I'll have to try it.

Being an idealist, I wonder: is there any real use for negative levels of consciousness, even if we keep that use temporary? It's not so much a moral issue as a practical one--are there situations where fear or anger or pride can accomplish more and/or better than a higher level?

[emf]

Have you ever run across adults who will continue to escalate things unless you enter a state of lower consciousness? They work really hard to generate anger/fear/guilt (it doesn't seem to matter which) and don't seem to have the same behavioral boundaries that you do. They will escalate situations very coldly and relentlessly until they get a response. Your negative feelings seem to give them a rush that they need. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle them safely?

[Gene]

Originally Posted by emf

Have you ever run across adults who will continue to escalate things unless you enter a state of lower consciousness? They work really hard to generate anger/fear/guilt (it doesn't seem to matter which) and don't seem to have the same behavioral boundaries that you do. They will escalate situations very coldly and relentlessly until they get a response. Your negative feelings seem to give them a rush that they need. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle them safely?

Oh, yes indeed I have encountered people who act as you described. Insisting on sharing their pain and drama with me. I can see one of them in my minds eye from another day insisting in his way that I join in anger with him and dance to the bubble of unconscious and uncontrolled thoughts and emotion.

I handled this person by detaching from her with love and not being around her when I had a choice.

What do you do when you encounter such a person?

Gene

[Erin Pavlina]

Steve and I recently went to a lecture by a guy named Bijan who spoke on that exact subject. What he does when he encounters people who try to draw him into an angry debate is to say, "Hold that thought" and then he walks away. He never goes back. He says it works wonders. He doesn't say, "I'm not interested" and he doesn't say, "Hey I don't want to get involved" because by doing so he does become involved. So he just says "hold that thought" and walks away and goes on about his business.

[Savage]

I love Bijan's approach too. I've used "hold that thought" a few times with good effect. It basically says, "I'm not interested in joining you in your negative drama right now, but if you wish to continue on your own, be my guest."

FYI Bijan's web site is Effortless Prosperity - Self Help, Self Improvement and More..

[Brendon Colby]

Wow, I'm going to have to remember that. "Hold that thought!"

[stephencp]

I love the "hold that though" suggestion!

To ask a "higher self" anything, you first need to want to, and that is the key. Simply watching yourself think or noticing when you're getting angry (and any other supposedly unwanted emotion) is the crucial first step. Turning it around momentarily is not that hard once you can stop yourself to try. The hard part for lasting improvement is figuring out why you wanted to get angry in the first place so that you can prevent from getting angry again at all.
When people get angry, they also are choosing THAT first. Don't just choose to get un-angry after the fact, figure out why you like getting angry (you like being a victim, you like the power of anger over someone else, etc) and choose to change that too.

Stephen
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[ScottS]

Yeah but how long did it take you to stand there and run through all these various options in your head?

[Velvet]

I don't have much to add here except that this was a very inspiring blog entry, and quite apropos to my recent experiences.

There were a few episodes with my family (siblings) this Thanksgiving weekend where, in the past, my natural inclination would have been to feel annoyed, angry, insulted, etc.

This time around I had a similar revelation:"Eh, is it worth it?" and kind of side-stepped feeling bad or having a conflict w/o feeling like I was in denial or stuffing my emotions or anything like that. The result was that I had a very mellow, satisfying time with the kin.

I credit the Abe-Hicks books, Byron Katie's The Work, and some EFT techniques I've learned recently for at least some of this. More accurately, I credit my much-wiser higher power who keeps leading me to this stuff.

[Angela]

Erin, that was a GREAT blog entry and I think it will be very valuable next time I find myself in the thrall of an emotion having me instead of vice-versa. I will put some physical reminder in place for myself, as I know how difficult it is to remember the (now) power.

"Hold that thought" is also going into my repertoire -- what fun! I can hardly wait to use it!

I'm so glad I checked in with your blog today. Thanks!

[1dra]

Hello all (sorry in advance for the length of this),

My first post here. I've been lurking forever and meaning to comment but until now never really had much to say, other than thank you--to the Pavlina's, to everybody here for all the great info.

It just seems to me that Erin's blog today is another great example of a powerful concept and tool I'm learning to use in my own life. The more I grapple with my own growth the more I realize how big forgiveness is.

I came to this site a little over a year ago in search of healing. It's funny, I read how Erin was opened up to feel all the pain in the world, and I can't help but think she probably got a healthy dose of mine. It was about the same time I learned things that, well . . . let's just say, not so good things.

It shattered me and I'd be lieing if I said I'm fine now. I have to forgive every day. Often I fall short.

But even at the time I realized the truth of the past would destroy my ego--my sense of self, almost all of the ideas about who I was.

In fact most of the life I've built has been based on choices I probably never would have made had I known the truth. Indeed there are people that now live on this earth that probably would not be here had I known the truth.

I can honestly no longer say "this is my life." My ego had to die. The problem is--it hasn't.

So I still struggle. But I know if I work at it, my higher self will shine through. My greatest pain can also be my greatest joy. My ego's death allows for a rebirth--a miracle born of mistakes.

Forgiveness.

It's a big deal. It keeps you present. It's a doorway to Now. There is no room for ego in forgiveness. Here it's fine (good even) to be broken. Here there is power in surrender. Strength in weakness.

It's weird, but the more I study and reflect, the more it seems to me that the answer to so many questions, the healing of so many wounds is waiting to be born from tiny eggs of forgiveness.

Crack the shell and experience a shining new world.

Later,
1dra

[elainevdw]

Ha! That's fabulous, Erin. I've struggled with this a bit. First, you have to consciously be aware of your emotions changing. I usually notice after they've changed. And so I always think to myself, "Great, now how do I dig myself out of this emotional hole?" I guess it's as simple as deciding not to have that emotion.

I also appreciate your note that, yes, sometimes you do need to feel angry or upset about something. But for little temper tantrums and roadblocks that throw you emotionally off course, that's simply priceless. Just decide not to!

Is it any different if you've already descended to that level? Reraising your consciousness when you're already in an emotional tizzy?

[Erin Pavlina]

There was a time recently when I felt angry and asked myself if I wanted to feel angry, and the answer came back as "yes" but only so I could fully express myself and get answers to questions that had bothered me about the situation. Once I had those answers, I immediately let go of the anger and allowed myself to feel cheerful once again. I even laughed with the person I was angry at. But it was the first time I consciously decided to allow myself to feel anger even though I knew I didn't have to. So in that sense, I was in control of the emotion, it wasn't in control of me.

[Nneka]

I think I wrote this in another thread. In the past I supressed my emotions. Recently, as in the past 2 weeks, I have been practicing feeling them. I surpressed my emotions because I didn't want to be known as the "emotional" woman. I'm used to working with all guys and I can't stand it when women get weepy or show emotion (my stuff).

Anyway, to my surprise, I have not become an emotional wreck. Like Erin said in the above post I feel like I am in control. The other day, I started feeling really sad and said to myself that I needed to cry. I put on a CD and started singing and the tears flowed freely instead of literally and figuratively sitting on my chest. When it was over, I was right back to my state of inner joy and peace. I wasn't overcome with sadness and I didn't pack it away with food or pressure it down.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Sometimes you need to feel certain emotions, but there are other times where the emotion may be unreasonable. I know every time I get mad, I can choose to be mad or I can choose to be fine. It treally doesn't matter either way. Sometimes I get mad to make the other people feel guilty, but maybe I should stop doing that. I feel as if getting angry can be unproductive at certain times, but at other times it can be the spark needed for growth.

[PhoenixBlossom]

This seems very similar to "being the witness", which is a wonderful way to experience life... recognizing that the meaning of an experience is really whatever meaning we apply to it.

And as much as your experience/choice was of benefit to you, Erin, I'll bet your daughter will reap huge rewards as well from your calm response.

Love & Joy

[wolfgang]

I thought of "being the witness" as I read the article too. To be able to choose not to react takes awareness and the article is helping us to remember to be aware - that letting the emotion just run may not be what is the best choice.

But, how do you get to the state of being that aware? I mean, often the emotions are reactions that overwhelm any ablity to detach enough and tune into how the higher self might guide one's reactions. So how to detach enough from an overwhelming ego based reaction?

I'll make my answer but invite other answers too.

Practicing meditation gives you peace of mind such that emotional reactions are not completely automatic. Syncronistic information to what I read in this article:Daniel Goleman on emotions and your health Hope the links stays.

I used to go to a group that worked on "unlearning" habitual behaviours. The idea was that we have built up lots of automatic reactions and they are the default responses when we are stressed. The techniques were to feel these habitual emotions/reactions and find a way to "interrupt" them such that you are aware and then you can choose to continue running it or start a new way of responding. Installing the interrupters was various techniques. One of which was to exagerate the behaviour to the point it was like a soap opera and you could find a way to laugh at it. Or to find something about the reaction that was out of place for the current situation - that the reaction was really about what you mother did way back when, then you become aware some more that you are recating and using an old habitual behaviour that may not work now. Or just running these reations in a group session could be enough, that you become familiar with the reaction since you are bringing it up in session which gives you the perspective that you actually choose it even when it tries to take over imediatly.

PS. Erin: It was heartwarming to hear how you responded to your kid marking the furniture. Sometimes kids do something that they don't see as wrong and if the reaction they get from the parents tells them they were totally wrong could squash the part in the kid's creativty. It applies more to the case of a kid drawing on the walls. The parents could totally not see that the kid was being creative if the response has no appreciation of what was drawn and only tells the kids not to do that. The kid may think, I should not draw at all. So you have to give the kid two messages - wow, what cool drawing but don't ever do it on the walls again!

[MagnusTapping]

Shouldn't a little girl be allowed to write on her dresser if she wants to? When I was that age we covered all our furniture in stickers and graffiti. It looked amazing and it made it ours. I guess it was a part of creating our own reality...

[Erin Pavlina]

Magnus: She has other furniture she's allowed to write on.

I'm a big believer in creativity, but there is a time and place for it all.

[elainevdw]

Oy, I tried this last night. I want to reprogram myself not to get irritated by stupid little habits my BF does just because he likes having me around, but which annoy the heck out of me. (His hallmarks are making funny noises at me and pointing things, like the remote, at me every time he gets the chance.) So he started pointing the damned remote at me, and I could feel myself starting to get extremely irritated, so I withdrew into myself, took a deep breath, and though, "Okay, I'm being ridiculous, and I hate feeling this annoyed. He loves me, what's so bad about that? Happiness... fluffy bunnies... chocolate cake..." And then he made a noise at me and I completely flipped out. I never flip out, I usually just give him an annoyed look.

What the heck did I do wrong? Now every time I'm trying to concentrate on not being annoyed, I get TWICE as annoyed.

I would assume that I should focus on something positive, not negative (i.e. focus on X instead of "not being annoyed"), and/or focus on something more tangibly uplifting than fluffy bunnies. Suggestions?

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

...and I completely flipped out. I never flip out, I usually just give him an annoyed look.

Hmmm, it almost sounds like this technique caused a suppression of anger at him pointing the remote and then his noise brought out the suppressed anger in a stronger way. I used to have a dynamic like this with my brother and he wouldn't stop until I was visably angry at him, most of the time. There were times I could let whatever he was doing to punch my buttons roll off my back and eventually he'd stop trying and go away.

If this techinique of not reacting and tunning into the higer self to choose a response is to work, there must also be a way that it doesn't cause suppression of the intitial emotional response. So maybe that's the question.

However it's a dynamic between you two and he wants to see you get annoyed as some sort of confirmation of this familiar dynamic. He probably thinks it's harmless and just teasing but it never felt that way to me with my brother when he acted that way towards me. Him pointing the remote at you caused you to apply this technique but what response did you give him in place? Did you become playful or did you just not respond at all (which made him want to escalate) or did you say something like "I'd perfer that you don't do that" in a non-emotional way and continue on? Or, "That's a bizzare way of showing love and it you know it annoys me". How were you responding that wasn't like your normal annoyed look?

So, how do we apply this technique of tunning into higher self and not have suppression? There's a threshold before our reactions take over and stress reduction is one way to lower that (meditation, etc...) that will allow you to be more flexiable when being attacked like this. But the attacks will probably escalate to test your threshold in this kind of dynamic - to get the familiar response out of you. Puzzled too. It almost sounds like you'd have to just keep returning to the higher self after repeated attacks until the antagonizer runs out of steam.

Again, I still don't have much of an answer myself - how do we apply this technique of tunning into higher self without it being suppression of the initial emotional reaction?

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

However it's a dynamic between you two and he wants to see you get annoyed as some sort of confirmation of this familiar dynamic. He probably thinks it's harmless and just teasing but it never felt that way to me with my brother when he acted that way towards me. Him pointing the remote at you caused you to apply this technique but what response did you give him in place? Did you become playful or did you just not respond at all (which made him want to escalate) or did you say something like "I'd perfer that you don't do that" in a non-emotional way and continue on? Or, "That's a bizzare way of showing love and it you know it annoys me". How were you responding that wasn't like your normal annoyed look?

Yeah, it's an affectionate teasing thing. Being the youngest, having two older brothers, you'd think I'd be used to affectionate teasing by now. But no, I've gotten hyper-sensitive about it over the past few years -- it's even difficult for me to take teasing from my dad anymore! Which makes me quite the party pooper...

The proper response from me should be playfulness in response (matching high vibrational energy with high vibrational energy). If I ask him not to do whatever he's doing, and calmly mention that it bothers me, he either completely ignore me, or invalidates the sentiment by mocking me, which drives me into a tizzy! Logically, I know that he's just trying to make me take everything less seriously, but boy does it have the opposite reaction... kind of like telling an upset person to "calm down." Funny how that works! On the other hand, if I just get annoyed, I think he thinks it's cute, unless I flip out, in which case he gets mad at me.

I have no issue with stuff like this when I've had a high-energy day, but those are very rare. I'm usually always on the brink of being exhausted, a mix of physical and spiritual disconnection that I haven't figured out how to consistently fix yet.

It drives me crazy that I'm so hypersensitive to stupid things. But this has gone on so long it's almost become iconic. I wonder if I could convince him to be abstinent from the noises and pointing for a month or so to let my knee-jerk reaction start to fade.

Sorry for hijacking the thread, Erin -- this is starting to sound more appropriate for the Emotional Mastery forum! Perhaps I should post there now that the subject's come up...

[Susie]

Originally Posted by emf

Have you ever run across adults who will continue to escalate things unless you enter a state of lower consciousness? They work really hard to generate anger/fear/guilt (it doesn't seem to matter which) and don't seem to have the same behavioral boundaries that you do. They will escalate situations very coldly and relentlessly until they get a response. Your negative feelings seem to give them a rush that they need. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle them safely?

Wow. This describes my mother to a T!
Unfortunately I can't just say, "Hold that thought" and walk away from her and never return. (Technically I could but I think it would be unnecessarily severe to completely cut her out of my life.) I can say "Hold that thought" and walk away...but she WILL hold that thought and pick up right where she left off. She is extremely persistant.

Luckily I live on a different continent than she does, but I'll be spending an extended amount of time with her this holiday season...I'm trying to work out a strategy for how to deal with her. I did once read somewhere it's best to just agree with a person who is in that state no matter what they say (this was talking about someone you had to deal with, such as a parent). You know, if they say, "You know what your problem is..." don't even think of arguing with them, just say, "you're absolutely right" otherwise it'll just escalate and the fact is, you'll never "win" with a person like that. Easier said than done, of course.

Actually last night I tried this tactic on the telephone with her, I said, "I agree with you completely on this" and she said, "No you don't, you don't agree!" She was trying to disagree about whether or not I agreed! Ohhh well.

[Angela]

Hey, Susie -- I had the same frustrating issues with my mom that you describe with yours, right up until the night she died in my arms. Ever since then, I've been looking for a loophole in this death business, wishing I could have her back so that she could berate and frustrate me even just for one more day. Sometimes I wake up thinking I could call her long-distance, if I could only figure out the area code for where she is. I envy you so much.

[Susie]

Angela, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Angela]

Thanks, Susie. I guess I was addressing my younger self more than anyone else -- I wish I could shake the girl who was me and convince her to cherish every moment with her fabulous mom. Oh! Looks like maybe I'm doing that to my now self, only about the people who I love in my life now. hmm. I think I just time traveled!

[Scientist]

But isn't there a limit to the circumstances under which we can choose our emotions?

For example, I remember back when I was in high school. I was working in the computer lab after school when a friend of mine came up and punched me in the arm. He did not intend to start a fight with me or offend me, that was just his way of saying "hi". However, the instant he did that, the adrenaline kicked in and it took everything I had to prevent myself from attacking him. I repeatedly told him to go away, which he did, so I wouldn't have done something that I couldn't have undone. I was nearly shaking and it was not easy to keep myself together. It took quite a while for me to cool down.

Now, I didn't choose to be nearly put into a rage. I didn't choose the adrenaline rush because it happened instantly before I could have done anything to stop it. I chose to deal with it in the best way possible, but I didn't choose what I was feeling.

I don't see how you can choose your emotions all the time.

[Erin Pavlina]

I don't think you can choose your emotions all the time. There are definitely times when reactions will just happen.

For me, it was about being in a really high level of consciousness and having to sink lower. I decided not to. LIke going from a level 10 to a level 2.

But when you're not at such a high state of consciousness I think it's much harder to choose. Or, when the state you're in and the state you get reacted into are really close.

[Dave Kaminski]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

I don't think you can choose your emotions all the time. There are definitely times when reactions will just happen.

For me, it was about being in a really high level of consciousness and having to sink lower. I decided not to. LIke going from a level 10 to a level 2.

But when you're not at such a high state of consciousness I think it's much harder to choose. Or, when the state you're in and the state you get reacted into are really close.

I agree, at first. The more you exercise this skill, the stronger it gets. It's like a muscle, like many things. I used to get stressed so easily and I realized it's silly. You don't need a clear definition of your purpose or vision either, to center yourself.

If you just step back, like you said from your higher self, and observe that this IS a reality that’s mostly illusion, and your mind does really dictate your emotion. If someone wrongs you or you get unlucky or this that and the other thing, it's just a tiny pinprick in a HUGE breadth of time.