I don't know if this belongs here.

[suicidaldude]

Hi everybody, I am new to this forum, and I don't know if perhaps I should introduce myself somewhere else.

I found this place through an article called "Spiritual consequences of suicide". I am depressed and suicidal, and I have made several suicide attempts.

I would like to know if there is a way to be "granted" by spirits, masters, "beings of light" or whatever you want to call them, the right to die.

I know if I don't die of natural death or accident that I will end up killing myself. these days, it is like I am constantly asking for death. Before I go to sleep, I pray that I won't wake up. In the morning, I wish I won't make it through the day.

I have heard of something called "walk-ins", which I thought could be a solution, but didn't happen and probably won't.

So I am out of ideas. Since there are many people here who seem to be very spiritually oriented, maybe you could tell me of a better way to make my request heard on the other side, so that it can finally happen.

I am sure you understand.

[Dharma]

Suicidaldude,

You've consciously acknowledged to yourself (and now us) your choice to end your physical life. What you have not done is acknowledged your choice to live, to keep going here in the physical.

You say you choose to die everyday.... well you are also making the choice to live everyday and your focus is on living, or else you wouldn't be here. Can you acknowledge that?

"I am choosing to live, now. And it's ok."

And you also have not acknowledged you don't want the walk-in option either (or that would have happened). I guess you have more courage to be in this world than you think.

So, you're not killing yourself, then what? Work on your depression. Find what's real and what you made up that you think is real. Start another thread (prolly in emotional mastery section) and put how you feel today and go from there.

[suicidaldude]

Thanks Dharma for your reply. However, I am really looking for ways to express to my angels, guides, masters, etc. that I am through with life.

I don't really feel like killing myself for 2 reasons : first, because of the pain it brings to others, secondly, because of potential consequences afterwards.

But I really hate who I am. For long, I wondered why I had so many difficulties making friends, why I am lonely so often. Only recently did I realize the reason, which is pretty simple : I am an a--hole : I am arrogant, unfriendly, mean. I wouldn't even remotely like myself if I were somebody else, and I don't remotely like myself now.

Besides, I am becoming really bad, really dark, or really "evil" as some would say. Because of all my bitterness, I am starting to be really full of hatred, and out of any love.

I believe that the spirits refused to grand me death or a walk-out for the same reason : they must not love me, and how could they. I keep repeating how sorry for who I am and what I do, that if I died now I wouldn't have the ability to be this dark/hating person anymore, but I think I am being punished.

I don't think I choose to live. I think I am being punished.

I even start doubting anything I have read about spirituality to be true. I mean, it is probably true for most people, but not for me. For example, I don't think I can have any guardian angels or spirit guides. Who would want to stay by the side of somebody like me and assist me all the time ? I know I woudn't, and I know most people try to stay away from people like me. So, loving beings helping me ? lol !

Some guy told me once that this was called the "dark night of the soul", but after looking into it, I knew it was not what was happening : this phenomenon concerns good spirit.

So here I am. I need a way to die, to finally be heard, and to be able to start becoming a little less evil. But I can't do it in this life, this is just too hard. I need to get a way to get this one wish granted. And afterwards, I know I will start working very hard to change what I am. But I can't do this here.

So I need to die. If anybody has any idea how to get this wish granted, please tell me.

Thank you.

[Zukin]

Hi suicidaldude,

You may want to consider the idea that it's not your spiritual self that wants to die, it's your malfunctioning brain that's trying to kill you. I would wager that your higher self wants you to live, but your brain is temporarily broken. That's what happened to me a few years ago. If the walk-in hasn't happened, maybe that is an indicator from your higher self that you still have a mission here.

Depression is caused by two factors: biological factors and catastrophic thoughts. The Wikipedia article on depression has a good overview.

These articles are also very good at describing the basis for depression:
Demystifying Depression - Part I || kuro5hin.org
Demystifying Depression - Part II || kuro5hin.org

If you want an inexpensive way to treat depression, you can try the following steps:

1. Change your diet to include a wide variety of fruits and vegetables. Also, reduce the amount of processed foods in your diet (such as products made with sugar and white flour).
2. Take omega 3 supplements, especially fish oil. The lack of omega 3 in the diet of many Western nations is causing an epidemic of depression according to this doctor. Magnesium supplements may also be helpful.
3. Read about cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy will teach you to identify depressive thoughts and deal with them effectively.
4. Try to go outside for ten to twenty minutes each day. A lack of sunlight leads to a lack of vitamin D production in the body, which can cause depression.

The Wikipedia article I linked to at the beginning of this message also has a variety of potential treatments.

If these don't work, you may want to see a clinical psychiatrist (not a general family doctor or counselor who may not know about the neurological basis for depression).

Keep in mind that your higher self wants you to live, but your brain is sending you mixed messages and you need to find an appropriate professional who can interpret those messages.

[suicidaldude]

Thanks for the depression advices. I'll look at them later.

However, how do I make the difference between my "higher-self wanting me to stay" or myself being cast-away because I am a bad spirit ? How could I ever be sure ? Or how could I be sure that I just didn't ask the right way to be freed for my life, for that matters ?

I am not even sure of what exactly is an "higher-self". I never really received any sign, like many of the people posting here, about these phenomenas, these "guides", these "higher-selves", these "realms"... Maybe people here manage to visualize these truths, but I personally cannot. SO that leads me to bealieve that I am being punished. And I can't know why.

Anyway, the fact is I am a person that nobody wants to be around. This is not the depression talking, but my loneliness. People hate me, I am not an enjoyable person, and no brain chemical inbalance can disprove this.

What if I really want to stop this experience ? How do I ask ?

[Erin Pavlina]

Your guides and angels do love you. You are not loving yourself at the moment.

Your guides and angels are doing their best to support you, ask for their help, watch for signs that they've heard you, and accept help that is offered to you.

Your guides will not give you permission to kill yourself. it's not their place. It's your choice only.

You have identified that you are not a nice person to be around. It's entirely within your power to change that. Why don't you try being a wonderful person to be around and see how your circumstances and energy change.

And remember this, no matter how much you try to tell yourself that you are unworthy of love, you are wrong. You are loved... by your guides, angels, higher self, and even God/Source. You can't escape that love no matter what you do. So why don't you start looking for the reasons you are worthy of love and go from there?

[Bitsy]

Suicidaldude, hello.

You must be getting frustrated by now, with no direct answer to your questions. I'm sorry, as I don't have an answer either. Actually, I have questions for you.


1. I understand you are lonely and you say you are mean and that you hate who you are. I don't understand why your solution to that is to die instead of to change who you are? Why is your solution to stopping this experience to die, instead of to stop being the way that you think is bad, mean, stop being a way that makes you hate yourself?

2. I have been suicidal for years, not at the moment though, and I never once cared about obtaining blessings from spiritual beings for me to kill myself. On the contrary, it was so clear none of them were listening to me at all. I don't understand why you are seeking their approval and it even seems, their assistance in your death? I don't believe there is anything in the universe which would even prompt them to give you their blessing, let alone anything else.

Maybe you could consider the solution in my first question...?

Edit: what Erin said (I wrote too slow )

[suicidaldude]

Bitsy, I will use this post to both answer your first question and to comment on Erin's remark :

I have tried to change. I can't. I can't change and I can't stay the way I am. Following these facts, death seems a logical option. The plain fact is that people don't really change. Some are better than others at playing a game. Btw Erin, in your article about the spiritual consequences of suicide, your metaphor of the actors and the play was more right than you thought : that is exactly what we are doing. We are playing roles, we are reading lines, and none of this is real. Now, if none of this was real, that wouldn't be a big deal, right ? It would even make it more pleasurable, like a game. But what do you do when you stop enjoying a game ? Right ! You plain stop playing it.

Concerning your second point, you are right. It is just that I am afraid of the afterlife. Afraid, as some would say, to "compound" my problems instead of getting rid of them.

And I guess that I ask for help because, in my sense, spirits, angels, even God, well, all of those who are partly responsible for the fact that I exist should at least try to do something about this pain, for they are partly guilty about it.

After all, I am kind enough to exist. I didn't choose it. The fact is, if I have to kill myself, after years of receiving no sign, no help, nothing, I might decide to stop existing. Decide that I don't want to have anything to do with their ridiculously stupid "karmic" law, which I didn't chose to live by in the first place. I might decide that, since existence is always going to be that bitter and painful, I'll just stop "being" and let everyone else who is masochistic enough to exist deal with the pain, since they seem to be enjoying it so much.

To sum up, I guess I ask for their help because I am angry at them, which is exactly what I am becoming : angry, vengeful, hating, to sum it up : "evil".

And ashamed, obviously...

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

I have tried to change. I can't. I can't change and I can't stay the way I am. Following these facts, death seems a logical option.

Well, I understand this logic. I thought (think?) the same way, and am still capable of thinking that way. I just keep trying to find different ways to change my life.

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

The plain fact is that people don't really change.

Maybe they don't change, but they can, and that's what matters, if you apply that to yourself. I've changed a lot over the years of suffering, but there are core parts that stay the same (beneath the suffering), for me, the best parts of me stayed the same, I lost them along my way, but they are still there and when I am emotionally better-off, I'll try to find them.

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

Concerning your second point, you are right. It is just that I am afraid of the afterlife. Afraid, as some would say, to "compound" my problems instead of getting rid of them.

Ironically, I felt the opposite, due to my beliefs. Yet, more recently, in moments when I confronted actually doing it, it felt scary and horribly black - that, combined with a series of coincidences over the past 20 years (coincidences known to me previously as fraying bits of twine thrown to me to keep me living to suffer another year), is the reason I haven't done it.

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

And I guess that I ask for help because, in my sense, spirits, angels, even God, well, all of those who are partly responsible for the fact that I exist should at least try to do something about this pain, for they are partly guilty about it.

After all, I am kind enough to exist. I didn't choose it. The fact is, if I have to kill myself, after years of receiving no sign, no help, nothing, I might decide to stop existing. Decide that I don't want to have anything to do with their ridiculously stupid "karmic" law, which I didn't chose to live by in the first place. I might decide that, since existence is always going to be that bitter and painful, I'll just stop "being" and let everyone else who is masochistic enough to exist deal with the pain, since they seem to be enjoying it so much.

Again, I understand all this. People here will tell you you did choose to be born and even the circumstances under which you were born. I stopped thinking about whether I did or not--it's not useful for me to establish a belief about that right now. But this is not the same as the Law of Attraction however. I see the Law of Attraction--it explained many questions I had, things that looked so wrong and unfair to me--now I know why they are unfair.

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

To sum up, I guess I ask for their help because I am angry at them, which is exactly what I am becoming : angry, vengeful, hating, to sum it up : "evil".

I've been there too. It doesn't work to pray to die, tried it, and know others who've tried it too. It doesn't work. If you are waiting to die, it is better to try to fix yourself, at least in the meantime, because God or angels are not going to kill you. If you want to die, you have to do it deliberately yourself, one way or another.

If you are open-minded, you might find ways to fix yourself on the website. If you want, I could tell you something I recently started that seems to be really helping me get rid of my bad feelings. I've tried so many things over the years, this is the only thing that actually works.

[suicidaldude]

Originally Posted by Bitsy

Again, I understand all this. People here will tell you you did choose to be born and even the circumstances under which you were born. I don't get it. I still think like you do. I didn't choose it either, not my parents, not the ♥♥♥♥♥ that has happened to me--not the same as the Law of Attraction however. I see the Law of Attraction--it explained many questions I had, things that looked so wrong and unfair to me--now I know why they are unfair.

I do think you choose some elements of your incarnation. However, I didn't say "choose to be born", I said "choose to exist". I wouldn't want to just stop living to find myself on another plan, especially a worse one. I'd want to stop existing overall. No "soul", no "spirit", no "higher-self", nothing remaining of me.

Originally Posted by Bitsy

I've been there too. It doesn't work to pray to die, tried it, and know others who've tried it too. It doesn't work. If you are waiting to die, it is better to try to fix yourself, at least in the meantime, because God or angels are not going to kill you. If you want to die, you have to do it deliberately yourself, one way or another.

If you are open-minded, you might find ways to fix yourself on the website. If you want, I could tell you something I recently started that seems to be really helping me get rid of my bad feelings. I've tried so many things over the years, this is the only thing that actually works.

I'll think of it. Maybe I ought to stop pondering the consequences and "asking" for death, and just go ahead. And screw whatever "higher reality".

[Erin Pavlina]

You're right that you can stop playing the game any time you want. But you're wrong that you didn't sign up for this. You did, you just don't remember. And you have the right to take your own life, but you will reap the consequences of your actions. What happens when you're playing a game with a bunch of people and you just remove your piece from the board? The game cannot continue as it was, people need to absorb your assets or resources back into the game, perhaps the sides become unbalanced and need rebalancing. There are consequences here for the other players and also for you on the other side.

Ask yourself what you really want. Do you want this life to be over or do you just want it to be better? Do you want to be evil or can you admit you just don't know how to be good? Do you want to be loved, yes, even though you cannot imagine anyone loving you, do you want to be loved anyway?

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

I do think you choose some elements of your incarnation. However, I didn't say "choose to be born", I said "choose to exist". I wouldn't want to just stop living to find myself on another plan, especially a worse one. I'd want to stop existing overall. No "soul", no "spirit", no "higher-self", nothing remaining of me.

Oh! That's totally different from what I was thinking! I don't want to cease to exist. I don't even think it is possible to "unexist" yourself. [Please note: I edited my last post regarding the "choosing to be born" etc.--beliefs and opinions alter with experience and understanding, are usually a perpetual work-in-progress.]

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

I'll think of it. Maybe I ought to stop pondering the consequences and "asking" for death, and just go ahead. And screw whatever "higher reality".

If your goal is to cease to exist, you better think long and hard before taking any action and realize that you simply cannot know whether you can even ever cease to exist. If you want to leave the world, you don't really know what is waiting for you on the other side. The information in Erin's blog doesn't sound very bad compared to things you hear in religions about suicide.

I don't know who or what you believe, but if there is a chance you won't find what you're looking for after death, you should first consider seeking out effective ways to make yourself into a person you like.

And remember this: ONCE YOU DO THE DEED, YOU CANNOT UNDO IT.

You can send me a private message if you want to know how I am "fixing" myself.

[Tam9]

suicidaldude,

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard go of it, but whether you chose to exist or not, you do. Instead of looking for a way out, why not try to make the best of it? As Erin pointed out there will be consquences one way or another. You sound like you have nothing to lose so why not make gains instead?

[artic123]

Choose to live. I see you have been reading Ruth Montgomery. She was a very good friend of Arthur Ford, who was my teacher's teacher. You need to read all of her books, not just the walk-ins and aliens ones.

Ruth's books celebrate the continuation of life, but never giving up on your life here on earth until completion. I know you are in pain. Anyone who thinks that life is easy has never experienced living fully. Have the courage and faith to know that you have a purpose on this earth. Things, situations, events never stay the same. You can't give up just because you are going through a bad patch (no matter how many months or years it has been.)

If you need a quick answer to why you were born, and what is your purpose--read A Course in Miracles. Obviously, you are a very sensitive person. Use this sensitivity to think outside of yourself and be of service to another.

Start taking baby steps to get your life back on track. The Law of Attraction is a good start. Start elevating those emotions so you can attract the goodness you so deserve.

And above all else DO NO HARM--The Way of the Buddha! That includes harming yourself. Tell someone how you are feeling in your vicinity. Do not keep this heaviness to yourself. Stop isolating.

You are loved by many who never have met you. You have touched our lives by just talking.

Read everything here and take action on making the life you want for yourself.
Please keep in contact.

I will talk to you soon.

S

"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it"--Anne of Green Gables

[doogatyee]

hello Suicidaldude,
As everything suggested to you, doesn't seem to make much of a difference to your state right now, why not sign up for some spiritual classes, or look for groups of related to that, explain to them you are only interested in listening, and see if anything there resonates with you.

Also since you have desire to live here any longer, use the money that you have to get some body work done - that way you don't have to do much except being willing to be open and relax on a table. by body work i mean massages/ reflexology/ energy work.

I only suggest the latter as I am a level one Reiki practioner and this type of treatment is non invasive and a person's Highest good will take the eenergy (which is only positive) and use it for the highest good of oneself. So perhaps it would assist in healing the pain of stiill living. It has been known to ease the discomort of those dying. What have you got to lose by trying at least the hour or so spent relaxing while someone else's energy works on your physical self.
Cori
P.s.
my father commited suicide 11 years ago when i was twenty, and I am sure things would have been different in a great deal many people's lives if he had found more courage to live rather than have the courage to kill himself.

[JSB]

suicidaldude,

I am sorry for the pain and suffering you are feeling; it sounds awful.

Since you are here in this world, maybe you could try a few things to help improve your emotional state, to address some of the issues that feel so unchangeable and overwhelming?

Many people have had positive results from different types of energy work. I personally like both EFT and qigong, and think they can help with many things. EFT can address some issues relatively quickly. Qigong takes more time and more effort, but has much deeper results in the long run.

If you are interested, check out EFT for a free eft manual, and check out Spring Forest Qigong for a very useful qigong form.

As miserable as life seems, you are here for a reason.

Wishing you all the best,

JSB

[Luna]

suicidaldude,

I love you.

Think of those parts of yourself that you perceive to be bad as good ones without proper attention. There is no such thing as "evil person". If you look at your actions, thoughts and feelings without judging, you might notice there's something else behind them. (A cry for help, perhaps.)
You're important. And you deserve to be loved and cared for.

[oberlee]

Hi there,

I'm not qualified at all to speak on the subject, but something tells me that if you posted something HERE on the forum, then you are looking for a way out that does not involve suicide. That you ideally want to live, and need to find a way how. It CAN be done. I think it was Ford who said, "whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right."

And quotes can seem pedantic, I know, and perhaps totally don't relate to how you feel at this moment.

Suicide is something everyone feels (I think?). I know I have, but it was more wanting an escape from the pain and turmoil rather than escape from existence.

Again, maybe I'm not hitting a note with you here, but know this: everyone here loves you (yes, LOVES you) and cares for your well-being. The fact that you asked for help rather than stay in the darkness shows a HUGE step in the right direction. I'm sincerely hoping and praying that you work through this.

Peace.

[suicidaldude]

Thank you everybody for your answers. I understand your eagerness to offer alternative solutions, "energy" work, therapy, or the help of spiritual groups.

But I am through. To answer Erin's question, regarding whether I want my life to get better or to be over, well, I've thought about it, and the answer is that I want it to be over. It doesn't get better. Not for me. And there is no point in preaching the contrary.

I am really looking for ways to be heard by the "other side" for a simple request : the right to be done with this life. It is not anything hard : people die every days. Children die. Some babies die before they can even walk or speak. Hell, women even have miscarriages. I don't see why I should live to be one day older than I am now.

I can't go to these "energy healing" sessions for a simple reason : where I live, 99% of the groups associated with New-Age beliefs are just opportunistic cult-leaders or liars that only are after the "energetic aura" of your wallet. And I don't have much of that either. I can't take this chance.

Birdy, you said you had something to offer via PM. I'd be glad to hear it.

Thank you everyone for your comments and assistance. The problem with people like me is that they are always analyzed through several layers of "filters". People believe we are throwing bottles in the sea and that they need to offer "alternatives". I don't want my life to get better, I want it to be over.

I am no good, and that is fact.

Regarding my "choice" to exist, no, I didn't make it. I might have chosen to incarnate (although I seriously believe my hand had been forced to some level), but I didn't choose to start "being", to start "existing", longbefore this life that I hate.

Thanks anyway.

[Bitsy]

Suicidaldude, I sent you a pm.

What will/would you do if they would not give you the permission or right to die? ...or really their blessing or approval -- What will/would you do if you learned that they don't have the authority to grant you the right or permission to die?

What would you do then?

I believe Erin is right--they don't have the authority to grant you the right or permission to die.

[suicidaldude]

I got your message. Thanks.

As far as not having the authority to make people die, well someone's got to have it : people die all the time. That's what I'm asking, and it doesn't look like it's such an exceptionnal favor...

[Bitsy]

All that seems true and I don't know why people die when they do.

What I do know is that whoever has this authority will neither cause you to die "before your time" nor grant you the right or the blessing to die. It wouldn't be right. This I know for sure, so even if you could ask and receive an answer from this authority, your answer would not be the one you want. By the same token, I don't think the authority would forbid you from causing your premature death either.

If you want to die "before your time", you have to take the responsibility for it onto your own shoulders and responsibility for the act into your own hands. These are facts and you can't get around them or find a loophole, especially, or at least when one is considering it as consciously as we are.

It is your life, so your decision. People have provided you in this thread with some information to consider before making a permanent and irreversible decision and I am quite sure that what I wrote about the answer to your question is accurate, so it is just up to you now to weigh the information you have and take a decision.

I wish you all the best and hope you find peace in whatever decision you implement. If you want to write more or ask something more, feel free to send me a pm.

Lucia

[JSB]

suicidaldude,

I have been in a very dark place in the past, though perhaps not as "deep down" as you are now. I have felt worthless, like my life was a curse or a punishment, that being forced to incarnate was a profound injustice (or that I must have been very evil in another life, and deserved only the worst), that a merciful God, if He/She/It exists, would take me out of all this.

I am not trying to condescend to you, or to say "I know what you are feeling", because I don't; your feelings and experiences of the world are unique to you. But others have maybe had similar feelings, emotions and beliefs that might have a familiar scent.

I don't think anyone can logically convince you to change your mind, because this is not about logic --- it's about feeling, experience, and the perception of what is true. The only way you are possibly going to be open to any alternatives is if you experience them, if your perception shifts.

You are right: people die all the time. It's commonplace. People also experience deep shifts in experience, perception, and understanding.
Please, at least consider, as a harmless intellectual exercise, as a mental game, that your current feelings and beliefs may not be "objective truth" (I may be starting some ♥♥♥♥♥ by throwing a term like that around on this board) but what you can see from where you are standing. Now, that might not make you FEEL any better, viscerally, but it is worth thinking about.

I know what you mean about New Age nonsense. I see most things spiritual as "a pearl in a pile of ****" --- maybe 90% of what's out there is preying on people's desires, or self-deluded, or well-intentioned but uselss, or simply part of the entertainment industry; but there are also some very valuable things if you are willing to dig through the muck.

I mentioned the energy work in the last post because it can be a good way to shift things and open yourself up to new perspectives. As far as New Age BS goes, that EFT manual is free, so you've got nothing to lose. Spring Forest Qigong can be very effective, but it takes time and dedication. I've met Chunyi Lin, who created the form, and he is definitely not a con-man; he's very good at what he does and he seems normal and down to earth; there's none of that arrogant, humorless guru stench about him.

Sorry, I'm babbling here, and it wasn't my intenetion to lecture or get on my high horse. I just hate to see you suffering so much, and I think you have some options.

If you are so intent on dying, why not wait a year and spend that time trying some of the suggestions people have offered? Can it hurt any more than what you feel already? Even if it doesn't fix everything, wouldn't it be worthwhile to have more than one perspective, more than one experience of the world and yourself?

Thanks for reading my endless post, and I hope this didn't come across as preaching. I wish you well.

JSB

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

I can't go to these "energy healing" sessions for a simple reason : where I live, 99% of the groups associated with New-Age beliefs are just opportunistic cult-leaders or liars that only are after the "energetic aura" of your wallet. And I don't have much of that either. I can't take this chance.

Really? You're already about to kill yourself. What have you got to lose? Your wallet?

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by suicidaldude

But I really hate who I am. For long, I wondered why I had so many difficulties making friends, why I am lonely so often. Only recently did I realize the reason, which is pretty simple : I am an a--hole : I am arrogant, unfriendly, mean. I wouldn't even remotely like myself if I were somebody else, and I don't remotely like myself now.

Besides, I am becoming really bad, really dark, or really "evil" as some would say. Because of all my bitterness, I am starting to be really full of hatred, and out of any love.

This sounds vaguely familiar. Oh yeah, I remember now. There was this suicidal chap by the name of Eckhart Tolle. Like you, he also hated himself and was contemplating suicide. You can read his account of this episode of his life in a book entitled "The Power of Now".

I think that the book may do you some good. Really. No harm reading it, before you kill yourself, right? Just a couple of extra hours of life are needed, to read it.

[artic123]

I think you have to try every avenue before you make that decision. You owe it to yourself. Keep writing, keep talking--make the decision to live another day.

You are in my prayers and in my heart.

Sharon

[suicidaldude]

The point with the "you can always kill yourself later" and the "just live one more day" attitude is that I've been doing that for a long time. I've become very suicidal about one year ago, and since that I've been "holding on one more day" every day for one year.

And when I first read that advice, I didn't realize that this one more day would become one more year, and now I can't accept the fact that this one year might turn out to be 10 years, or more. I just can't keep living that long.

It's a shame that suicide is frowned upon. I hate existence, I can't see one single reason why I should "be".

I would give anything to just be dead tomorrow.

[madgeylou]

suicidaldude, you sound like my boss. he always says that he hates life but can't kill himself because he believes he will be thrown back into the same circumstances again so why not just get through it.

i think the fact of the matter is that he doesn't understand or believe in love, thinks it's a lie or just something he's been excluded from. but i also believe he wants someone to prove him wrong.

why are you posting here? do you want us to prove you wrong?

***
i had a dream several years ago that my sister was sitting on my bed with me, lighting her bangs on fire and talking about how she wanted to die. she asked me directly, 'what is there to live for?'

the answers that came to me were nothing as grandiose as love or friendship or justice or some great cause. it was more like ice cream on a hot day, sand squishing between my toes on the beach, the sound of wind through trees, being able to listen to music and feel it. little things. to me, it's the little things that make life worth living.

if you wish you were dead but don't want to kill yourself, then i think you have to reconcile to the idea that you might be here for a while. and if you can connect with any little things that make it bearable, they might be your way out of the forest into the sunlight.

i might be talking out of my arse. but you do have a dilemma here. my hope for you is that you can figure out a way to live with it.

[suicidaldude]

I was in no way crying for help, trying to get proven wrong or anything else coming here. It is weird that you'd even ask the reason of my being here, because I exposed it in my first post : how to better ask the other side for a fast death. There is no hidden message in my request.

[madgeylou]

i didn't mean that there was a hidden request in your message. i was asking whether there might be one in your mind, that's all.