where do you look when you talk to people??

[lightthecandle]

i've had alot of issues about being shy and all. but i'm glad to say i've made alot of improvment. however, I still am antsy about what/where/ i look at when i take to 1 person, or 2 people, or a group.

is there a way to look at someone depending on the number of people in your presense...for example where to look when you're talking to one person vs. a group of 8???

please help!!

[Angela]

Their eyes, of course. Lingering, loving looks into the eyes of the person you're speaking with. Take your time and don't feel it's impertinent or weird -- it really feels good. If it's a group, just take your time and move from one pair of eyes to the next, don't rush, feel the connection with each person.

Be really present for the people you're speaking with, and it will make a huge difference in your life and theirs.

p.s. same thing if you're making a presentation to a big group. slow, patient, connection with one person's eyes, and then the next and so on.

[Shamou]

lightthecandle! Simply do the same thing that you would if you were angry... when you are angry... you have no inhibition and you forget about your eyes and do what comes naturally... same thing when you are not angry... let those two little suckers do their things and forget about them...

The very best of luck to you...
.

[Gene]

I look at their face and mostly their eyes. It seems to make a more personal and intimate connection. The exception is when I am speaking to people who have an aversion to eye to eye contact. In some of the places I travel in the world it is culturally contra indicated.

[nightdiamond]

You can also practice looking in a person's eyes as you talk to them to the count of 5, then allowing yourself to look away.
Once you feel comfortable doing this, you can increase the length to larger amount, to a count of 10 for example.

And between practicing you can tell yourself ' I look people in the eye as I talk to them'.
Be patient and keep trying. Do it regularly and you may see some great changes in this.

Good luck..

[Amandaaa]

i'm pretty shy too, so i don't usually look directly into people's eyes...
i think i just look at something else.. like their hair, or their shirt, or their hands.. or something in their general direction.
hahha.
i don't really look at anything in particular.

i don't think there's anything wrong with that though.
i've never had any complaints.
plus, it creeps me out when people stare at me too intensely, so i don't do it to them.


(i look into their eyes when they're speaking-- not when i am.)

is there a way to look at someone depending on the number of people in your presense...for example where to look when you're talking to one person vs. a group of 8???

when i'm talking to a group of people, i usually make "rounds" with my eyes... sort of glancing over everyone... and then if someone has something to add, or wants to speak and i can tell, i stop and look at them, and listen as if no one else is there. ...and then if someone else chimes in, i look at them, and listen until they're done. and then i talk to the one who doesn't say anything.
it's like a balancing act.

[silicon toad2000]

I find it very difficult to look at someone's eyes when I am talking to them. I can look right at them when they are talking to me but then I talk I kinda gaze off to the right. Something I need to work on I guess.

[Zukin]

I love this article, it's all about getting people to do what you want by looking in their pupils:

The Invisible Grip

[Livgivare]

When you have a small group of people, take a minute of time to look each person directly into their eyes. The rest of the time, you just glance arround. when talking to one person look that person most of the time in the eyes (if not it is anyone who comes from a culture where this is bad according to culture - ask one person about this if you feel anxious). When talking infront of a large group. Look up the middle, and look a half inch or an inch above this and glance arround, this will make each and everyone feel like you look them straight into their eyes when you are actually not looking at anyone.

[Angela]

By the way, an eyes moving constantly, hair-clothes-ground, seeming to avoid eye contact approach is very disconcerting to the person you're talking to. The person will instinctively distrust you -- that's why they call someone "shifty."

Worst of all is the person who will hold an entire conversation gazing off to the side, looking into the distance, so that you are speaking to the side of their face.

[David365]

I got over this problem many years ago by focussing on the bridge of the nose. This way, to the other person you are holding good eye contact, but for you its not so intense as looking directly into their eyes.

[Amandaaa]

^exactly.. the nose is good too.


but it's weird when someone is staring into your eyes.
unless you already know the person really well, it's just creepy.
it's like they're undressing you with their eyes. or trying to cast a spell on you.

haha.

[Angela]

I would much rather have someone looking into my eyes when we're speaking than to watch them go crosseyed gazing at the bridge of my nose. And if they're looking at my nose, Amandaaa, I'll probably wonder if I need a tissue!

When you think of someone staring into your eyes, you imagine it to be an aggressive act. And in some cases it is. But actually being present with someone, holding eye contact with them during a conversation, is an act of generosity. It's an act of giving up control, not trying to control. It's an act of love*, really seeing someone and being seen.

*an act of love that can be done even with a stranger! It's intimacy, but it's not sexual.

[Amandaaa]

I would much rather have someone looking into my eyes when we're speaking than to watch them go crosseyed gazing at the bridge of my nose.

hahhaa.



yes, i see what you're saying.

i think it just makes me uncomfortable because i can be a little bit shy...

[Angela]

I know what you're talking about with shyness. As I mentioned, I was once the most shy person in the world.

Again, at the risk of sounding like a proselytizer, I really really recommend the Landmark Forum and the Advanced Course for anyone who wants to overcome shyness. I walked in there a shy person pretending to be outgoing, and by the end of the Advanced Course I was boldly and movingly speaking to a big audience, went to a party the next night at which I felt no party-fear at all, and basically went about the the rest of my life in an entirely new, shy-free way. I do not miss shyness, not one bit. It really held me back from enjoying my life. And now, again as I said, it's hard to remember what being shy felt like. Plus, in the advanced course, there's one afternoon during which this whole looking people in the eye thing just **disappears** forever, like Kaiser Soze. Poof.

I'm sorry to be such a landmark pusher, but I really feel if it could help someone with my huge shyness, it could help anyone.

[Tuumble]

The eyes are where to look and I find you reach a natural moment where it's right to look away for a moment and then back to it doesn't become intimidating.

...obviously it depends on how 'involved' you are with the eye-contactee...

With a larger group I do the same but if more than one person is listening it is polite to give eye contact to those people as well even if only momentarily.

It really isn't a big deal and the more you make it one, the more pressure you put yourself under.

[Atta]

Just do however you feel comfortable.
There's no need to feel nervous, they aren't going to bite. (unless you insult/swear at them)

I usually look at mouth (and lipread) when speaking to someone.
With 2 people just look at the one that talks. With 8 people, just the one closest around that is talking to you.

Keep practicing - it will become a second nature

[Harpoon]

I try not to look at counterparty's eyes. :-Q

If they look back, it presses me down and I shift to another object.
If they dont, it looks like I'm making that person nervous.

Thats why I wear sunglasses most of the time.