Self-forgiveness after abusive relationship - for Erin especially

[Chaussette]

My apologies if there's something similar elsewhere -- I did a search but didn't come up with anything quite right.

Some years ago (about 8-9years) I was involved with an emotionally/sometimes physically abusive relationship. Such was the nature of it that... that I didn't realize it to be more than a bad relationship until about 1-2 years ago. (He was incredibly manipulative.) I only figured it out while being pleased with myself for the decreased frequency of PTSD-style flashbacks while (usually while in bed with) my current partner. Only at that point it dawned on me that if I were having panic-attacks/flashbacks, then the "bad" relationship was probably a lot worse than I'd realized.

Insert a year or two of ignoring the problem, because hey, I'm good at it. I started being somewhat more aggressive about personal development in all areas of my life a couple of months ago. (BTW - Thanks to Steve for recommending the Ultimate You paraliminals! I'm using 1-2 daily and I really see/feel changes starting in my life!) I actually started ACTIVELY (as opposed to time healing all wounds passivity) dealing with the issue of the "evil-ex" within the last few weeks. I've made great strides I think -- for one thing I'm no longer insanely avoiding anything/person remotely connected to him, and when panic hits, it's not without cause, (sadly, this person still runs in some of the same social circles as I, but I'm tired of avoiding my own community!) and it's only high anxiety/chest pounding as opposed to curl up in a ball and rock in a corner.

But I've realized that I'm having problems forgiving myself for having been so blind/stupid as to have stayed in the relationship or sleeping with or "friends" with for so long and for not even realizing how bad it was until I was well out of it. (He was in my life in some important capacity for 3-4 years.)

And yes, the concept of professional help hasn't escaped me entirely.. but... "smart person syndrome" here, I really feel like I ought to be able to deal with it myself. I would appreciate any insights here. I suppose I can just keep hammering at it on my own, as it's not like I'm not making progress. But... I know Erin and Steve have both mentioned once or twice that Erin once had a boyfriend with anger management issues. I'd love a bit of insight on how to deal with/get past this, without falling into the whole victimology thing. I'm really trying to find the line between "don't blame the victim" and "take some responsibility for your own damn life and decisions." I'm leaning a lot more towards the latter, which is probably good in the long run, but in the short run it's damned hard not to be furious at myself.

(And next on the list of things to work with: the New History Generator Paraliminal.)

And if you made it this far -- thank you for reading allll this. I appreciate any insights.

[Love]

Hi Chaussette!

You know, I first saw your handle, and I thought of this French play we read where the characters were named after socks...

Anyway, I understand, like you, the need for self-forgiveness. You seem to expect something of yourself, value-wise, and then you did something that didn't seem to stack up. I understand this, and no, I don't have an answer. Maybe someone else will give us one. I'm glad you wrote this post. I currently feel that if I am a responsible for a fault, then well, I was responsible and nothing will change that. I know I can do things and the present and the future that are good, but that still doesn't change the fact about my acting incorrectly in the past.

So yes, someone please advise!

[carenkh]

For me, the belief that "at some point, I'll see the gift in this" has helped tremendously. I *do* believe we choose what happens to us for a reason, so I know all things work toward the good, even if I can't see it right now. Whether it's a learning experience in a positive way, or by example of what we *don't* want.

I'm also thinking of The Work by Byron Katie. Are you familiar with that? It's helpful in obtaining acceptance - of what is, and what was.

Sending love, acceptance -- and forgiveness!

Gassho ~

[Chaussette]

Originally Posted by Love

Hi Chaussette!

You know, I first saw your handle, and I thought of this French play we read where the characters were named after socks...

*grin* I don't know the play -- but the meaning is there.

Originally Posted by Love

Anyway, I understand, like you, the need for self-forgiveness. You seem to expect something of yourself, value-wise, and then you did something that didn't seem to stack up. I understand this, and no, I don't have an answer. Maybe someone else will give us one. I'm glad you wrote this post. I currently feel that if I am a responsible for a fault, then well, I was responsible and nothing will change that. I know I can do things and the present and the future that are good, but that still doesn't change the fact about my acting incorrectly in the past.

So yes, someone please advise!

*nods* I generally get more down on myself for poor-judgement than anything else. I rather *expect* myself to be smart.

I appreciate your phrasing... you made me realize that I didn't live up to one of my other huge values, loyalty. Neither to myself, nor, as twisted as it sounds, to him. (Though, I'm fairly sure I'm more bothered at the lack of loyalty to me -- I've got a fairness streak a mile wide. And man, he doesn't 'deserve' a whole lot of sympathy.)

[Chaussette]

Originally Posted by carenkh

For me, the belief that "at some point, I'll see the gift in this" has helped tremendously. I *do* believe we choose what happens to us for a reason, so I know all things work toward the good, even if I can't see it right now. Whether it's a learning experience in a positive way, or by example of what we *don't* want.

I'm also thinking of The Work by Byron Katie. Are you familiar with that? It's helpful in obtaining acceptance - of what is, and what was.

Sending love, acceptance -- and forgiveness!

Gassho ~

Thank you Gassho -- Those are both really interesting suggestions.

It reminded me that I figured out long ago that some good did come out of the first -- the "gift" being that I learned a couple of major lessons about human characters. I sometimes like to say that I purchased myself a very expensive set of life lessons. Overly so, but I definitely learned to spot a certain type of trouble.

And that web site looks really interesting! Thank you! I'll have to spend some time with it tommorrow -- alas, no time today.