Overcoming regret, jeolousy and guilt

[ProjectX]

Help me guys. I've been going through some emotional turmoil lately. Right now I'm 20 years old and it feels like my life is just crap.
I feel a lot of regret about the teenage years. I feel like i wasted it away and i was deprived of my childhood. In brief my life was basically hell, I've come from a broken home. My dad was constantly putting me down, trying to force to excel in the academics. He was also an alcoholic and my parents got divorced. I lived in an area where there weren't much kids so I was always a loner. So I didn't have much of a social life.
Soon I was hit with depression. I escaped my reality through video games. I had no ambition and goals. I just lived life unconsciously. Everyday was a chore to me and I dreaded waking up. Sleep was my haven, it was the only time i didn't feel pain.
However I yearned for companionship. Unfortunately I found it through the wrong people. I was introduced to marijuana and then to harder drugs. I did heroin and cocaine and ecstasy. My life then just went down from then on. My grades suffered, it was bad enough being hit by depression but after 16 everything was wrong. My relationship with my family was merely a formality at best. We never talked about personal things only about everyday chores. I didn't want or knew how to communicate my problems. Our family was constantly in financial problems and the anxiety of money always loomed in the back of head for many years. My friends were always backstabbing me. I was their play thing. Making fun of me whenever I was at my weakest point. I constantly had anxiety attacks and I suffered from sleep apnea greatly impairing my lifestyle. I lost my appetite for food and I believe that was one reason why my growth was stunted. After highschool, I did nothing for almost two years. I just stayed in home being depressed. I became angry and frustrated. I blamed everyone for my problems. I hated my parents, my friends, my school and I hated God for causing this misery upon me. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to cause the world pain as it has done to me.

I was fortunate however, my aunt was willing to financially support me and help me go to community college and here I am. At the same time I watched "The Secret" and I got into the whole personal development thing. I bought books by dale carnegie, napolean hill and the 7 habits. But I've been procrastinating a lot (its been a habit I acquired since I was a young teenager). Here I am now. My first year of school and I'm on probation with something like below 2.0GPA. My health is not up to par and I have little to no friends. More like acquaintances.
However I'm starting to take responsibility for my life. The past few months I have gone through some deep self-reflection. I'm in the process of living consciously. I'm starting to see myself from a third person perspective though it is still in the infant stages. Looking back on all those years, I'm surprised I haven't killed myself. Still the negative thoughts loom in my head. I see other people living their lives and I become envious of them. They seem so happy whilst my life was hell. I see children playing and I wonder why I never had that childhood or the health. I see people in relationships and I become jealous cause I never had a girlfriend. I haven't experience real joy in years. I don't remember the last time I truly laughed or was at peace of mind. Sometimes I feel like my life has been wasted and its too late to retake it and I pray to God if he does exist to kill me so I don't have to live like this.
I look back to my younger years and only wished I knew the things I know now. Why didn't I take a more proactive approach to life? Why didn't I do better in school? And then I feel guilty.
Even now I contemplate suicide. But I don't want to bring grief to my family. My aunt sacrificed alot to bring me to where I am now and killing myself would be like slapping her in the face. It feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't escape. I have more solid goals now and the determination , though it wavers. Sometimes they seem overwhelming and unachievable that I go into depression and my motivation collapses. I have a set plan to where I want to be in 2 years. But sometimes I say if life doesn't improve by then I'm just going to end my life. I have thoughts that only if circumstances were different, if only i was born elsewhere. The grass always looks greener on the other side. I'm sick of feeling jealous and regret. What can I do? I'm sorry the ridiculously long post. I have no one to talk to and this is the only place I can really say anything. I still have hope, but it keeps going and coming and going and coming...

[Peleke4]

I feel I can relate to you in some aspects. I highly recommend you look into NLP. I posted a thread about the wonderful impact NLP had on my life. Check out what I have to say. You're only 20 years old. I continued living in negativity until my late twenties. Consider yourself fortunate that you came across PD at such a young age.

[lightthecandle]

Hi there ProjectX!!!!!!!

When I read your post I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I would have to say that 90% of the stuff you wrote or went through has honestly happened to me as well. Hey, at least your not alone right? I’ve been through the terrible nights/days/years where I walked around like a zombie pretty much in most of highschool and my first 2 years in college. But I have good news for you my friend…I truly believe you are going to be golden and accomplish everything you’ve ever dreamed of once you let go of all the emotional baggage you’ve collected through the years.

1. no one is perfect, even YOU, so accept that and move on with your life
2. once you SERIOUSLY tell yourself and believe that you don’t give a DAMN about what others think or say about you…you will feel this amazing sense of freedom..its so amazing I can’t even describe it..as if for the first time in your life you’ve truly breathed
3. you might think that you’ve “failed” in life. But the truth is…those who’ve fallen and gotten up again, and fallen, and fallen and fallen, but get up constantly despite fear, apprehension, are truly the ones who succeed and are the true winners in life.

…look at it this way…Bill Gates didn’t magically come up with Microsoft in one day…I’m sure he’s “failed’ his plan a 1000 + times, before he got where he wanted to be.

4. you’re 20, you might think that you’re old, but you’re only old if you believe that. Heck, I’ve met 60 year olds who are so silly I want to be there best friend!
5. you seem to blame a lot of your problems on your ‘messed up’ childhood. These forums are filled with people who claim they’ve had ‘terrible’ childhoods, but hey, they’ve gotten through with it!! And so will you, if you make a conscious effort to do so.
6. imagine as if you were placed in this world a second ago. You have no past at all to judge your future performance on. How would you act??? You’d want to explore right? The world is your oyster because you’ve just been placed in this world, and you are starting anew, no baggage, no hate, no regrets, no pain, no guilt, no financial problems, no jealousy. Sounds great doesn’t it? Well, you can start today, heck start now!! You’ve just been awakened after years of being too hard on yourself
7. it might be difficult at first but…you HAVE GOT TO CLAIM RESPONSIBLILITY in your life, and stop blaiming others for your problems.
8. there’s always going to be people who hate you..always…even if you’re the nicest person in the world. But then, there’s people who absolutely love you ( like your aunt). These are the people you should hold dear to your heart…not your h.school. enemies who quite honestly might not even realize they’ve hurt you so much. And then…there’s going to be people who just don’t give a damn about you. Seriously. But this isn’t anything to fret about…that’s just how life is.
9. right now, please don’t be so hard on yourself. (people used to say that to me ALL the time, like my therapists, psychiatrists, friends, etc. ). You deserve to live. You deserve to life freely. You deserve to be happy, you really do. All of us have some crap that we wished wouldn’t have happened or we wish we could go back to highschool and not cared so much what others thought. But, whats done is done. The past is the past. The present is in front of you, and your future is yours to make, no one elses .
10. suicide is not the answer. You coming on this forum and posting, shows that deep in your heart this isn’t what you want. You want to LIVE..and I hope these forums can be of tremendous help for you as they were for me.
11. you say your hope comes and goes. It does for a lot of us…but when you find something you’re passionate about and find something you truly want to excel at, you’ll be focusing more on that than about pleasing others and listening to others criticism of you. For me it was medicine. I want to be a doctor, and I’ve become truly passionate about that. I took two years off college and now I’m going back in the fall!! Others might say that I was being lazy, or a failure. But honestly, it’s the hardest and BEST decision I’ve ever made in my life. I’m going back head on and ready for the world!!!

…sorry for the long post. But I really wanted to see that there ARE people who’ve been on similar terms, and have surpassed their past, and let go of all the emotional baggage that’s been eating away their life. ITS NOT TOO LATE. NOW IS THE TIME. TODAY IS THE DAY. CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER FROM HEAR ON OUT. IT MIGHT BE A SLIPPERY ROPE, BUT WITH HOPE AND FAITH IN ONESELF, COMES GREAT REWARDS.

I wish you nothing but the best!!!!! Good luck in everything you do!!!!!!!!!!

[ProjectX]

thanks lighthtecandle. Sometimes i want to believe that we suffer for a reason. That all that suffering will lead to an answer.

I really hope I do make it and achieve my dream. I hope I can achieve my goals within the next 3 years. It would be amazing if it does. My goal is all I think about. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot to achieve it, even give up my social life to do so. I know I will have more chances to make friends when I transfer to a university. All that matters is my self-development and to catch up all those lost years as a teenager. But It also scares the crap out of me that I may fail and then I become anxious and worried. My emotional development is low. My reliance on external stimulants has impaired it. Now I stopped taking drugs and other forms of distraction and just face my challenges instead of kicking them under the bed. Its difficult but i'm learning to stop regretting the past and worrying about the future and just live for today. Thats the reason why I guess I didn't achieve much as a teenager. I need to live for the day, not the month or the year or decade.

[Chill of Eons]

ProjectX,

We have some similarities. For one, I've been using videogames as an escape for years, like, since I got my NES at age eight, and I regret it considerably. I feel guilty and disappointed in myself every time I turn one on, even though thankfully these days I usually don't end up playing them very long.

I've never had a girlfriend either (and I'm 26, curse my lack of resolve), and I get very uncomfortable (sad is more like it) seeing other people in relationships, even in movies! I've always been afraid that even if I did "get" one, it wouldn't last because she'd soon become fed up with my fear-based way of living, being all always thinking and brooding and trying to figure out what to do while actually doing very little. I don't know for certain that I'd keep being that way once I was in a relationship, you'd think I'd be more motivated to be courageous, but I suppose I just never considered it worth taking the risk to find out. Well that's too bad, because it IS worth the risk (notice how I'm lecturing myself). Regardless of the outcome, it would undeniably be a valuable life experience. While it's true that many a boy shreds himself up after being dismissed by the female he was involved with, there are things one can do to prepare for dealing with it, like making yourself learn all kinds of crap in order to have more to talk about and to discover more potential interests. I suppose.

I kinda dropped out of high school after 10th grade. More than anything, it was due to my videogame addiction and my social anxiety (the latter of which I still have, and by my count it's just as bad as it ever was). That, plus I had this friend who was just such a goof, and always made me laugh to hell, and was of course a Nintendo loyalist like me (hawhaw). So throughout 10th grade, in the classes we had together we just drew funny stuff and wrote violent Winnie the Pooh stories in notebooks and stifled our guffaws, caring none too much about our grades, neither of us having any real career goals (except for kinda wanting to be game designers, for Nintendo systems only).

And "after" highschool, that is dropping out, I too did nothing for two years. But damned if I was happy because of it. At some point, me mum heard about this highschool completion program at the local community college. Well, enough about all that.

Gah, this is so hard for me. I feel like I don't really know what to say. It's like my brain is congested somehow, and I have a lot of ideas of what to say but I have a very hard time deciding what I do and don't want to share. If I just keep typing, I think it'll most likely end up largely fluff and not much substance. I feel like I need to say everything I have to say, ever, to sum up my entire brain as it were, in one post, which is beyond ridiculous. My thinking has forever been based on such polarities, all or nothing, and it's supremely frustrating because it causes paralysis of the will for me. That's why I almost never post on any forums, I just don't know how to share my views, and even have difficulty deciding whether they're worth sharing. By posting on this forum, I'm trying to overcome that problem.

I blame myself a lot. I realize that my situation is really due to my own choices, but that does little or nothing for my courage, and I pile guilt on myself for refusing to act in spite of the fear. I don't know for absolute 100% what I want, so I use that as an excuse to spend my time thinking and awfulizing. Sure I take small steps forward now and then, and when the urgency is high enough, but I just haven't ever gone far enough to get used to plowing ahead. I can change that right now if I want to bad enough. I'm hoping that participation in this forum will help me develop greater determination, I'm sure it has for many others.

People always tell me I'm too hard on myself, but my behavior doesn't strike me as such, since I'm really not, by my definition, pushing myself to take action. I don't spend even 10 minutes a day looking myself in the mirror and saying, "This is what I have to do, and I'm going to do it now." I don't even consider that a hard thing to do, yet I don't find myself doing it. I'm feeling sorry for myself, I always have. So how does one feel sorry for AND be overly hard on themselves? I guess it would have to be alternately, because I can't imagine both at the same time.

Somehow I need to just stop dwelling on the negative; I suspect that one reason I keep doing it is that I think I'll be denying reality if I don't. But I'm sure everyone is aware of that sentiment, whether in themselves or in others.

Well, I don't know if anyone will even read this post since the thread is six months old, so I should probably conclude at this point. ProjX, I hate to tell you this, just as I hate being told it, but no one but you can overcome your problems. But the good news is that you CAN. Maybe it will be as hard as you think it will be, maybe it won't. It will probably take a long time. But one thing's for sure, it will be worth it. You will be astounded when you look back on what life was like during your high school years as well as right now. Keep that in your mind at all times. Promise yourself to make that your priority, and do everything it takes to achieve this goal. Enjoy every step, take pride in the smallest gains, you brought them about, and don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by looking at the whole process, it's just a way of inviting the temptation to stop trying for just a while. This is as much me talking to myself as to you, and I'm sure you've heard it all before. Ok, time for me to go to bed.

[Associate]

You did'nt just explain how you felt, you painted the picture, thank you for giving us a brief glimpse of your life. The deep self reflection you describe is quite evident however self reflection can be biased on what we are feeling at the time of reflecting, for example if one is feeling low in mood and is spending time alone, their thoughts are more likely to be negatively influenced so getting another perspective to bounce ideas off is helpfull, and im glad youve taken a step towards this, by posting your feelings.

youve mentioned many fundamental things that have been missing from your life such as a sense of belonging, care and attention from close ones and it seems that one of the things that has sufffered due to this is your self esteem.

overall you seem to feel down, low in confidence, isolated and deceived by humantity, which makes you feel angry and frustrated and all of these feelings reinforce your negative beliefs of worthlessness. this is too much weight for anyone to carry and so you experience this as quite overwhelming and seem to make yo feel suicidal.

I am happy to see that you have taken the steps towards doing something about your situation by trying to understand why you feel the way you do, but giving yourself a goal of two years to determine your life tells me you have high expectations of a person who has already gone through so much. in your post you state that you have asked yourself questions such as "Why didn't I take a more proactive approach to life? and Why didn't I do better in school?" and this only made you feel jeolous and regretfull and shows that you have high expectations of yourself. problem is if expectations are not met, dissapontment sets in.

im wondering if you have accessed any help?, have you spoken to your G.P? there is alot of confidential help out there problem is you have to ask for it. the qustions you have within yourself can be explored and put to rest, negative beliefs and trigger points that make you feel the way you do can be idntified to help you avoid them.

you have mentioned that when you are overwhelmed you can go into depression again, if you learn the skills to cope, no one can take them away from you, so chances of you feeling depressed can be greatly reduced.

feeling anxious and depressed stops us functioning as normal. it is like being constatly bullied. we have to fight this bully, not give into it, you have began the fight. giving up should never be an option!!

[uberinquisitive]

You're on a great path right now. Don't give up!

One of the most POWERFUL ways you can transform: attitude of gratitude.

Write a list of things you're grateful for. Start with, "I can breathe" or "I have a computer."

Keep writing this list everyday, even if you don't totally believe it. Just write it and think of every little damn thing you feel grateful for.

Sooner or later, you will start to believe in it. And life will suddenly become a lot easier and less scarier. It will be as if you opened the blinds, and now the sunlight is lighting up what was a pitch black room.

This sounds too simply to work. But it's so simple that it's complicated, y'know? People think that the way to fix a problem is to think of a complicated solution. An attitude of gratitude is the fastest, straightest line from suffering to non-suffering.

Try it for 6 months. Write 10 things everyday.

[ar81]

Drugs are cheating your brain.
My advise is:

Get away from those who do not want you to be good, get close to those who want you to be a better person. If there are none, then stay alone until you find someone worthy. The wrong friends can screw you.

Start treating your addiction. Is there any Narcotics Anonymous group nearby? Follow their method.

Do not let drugs to fool you. You have great potential, but you need to heal your soul. Spiritual emptiness is the result of trying to look for inner peace with drugs instead of prayers and meditation.

You are a great person, but you need to pass through these steps to start understanding that.