How to forgive?

[Red Willow]

I've been thinking about forgiveness today. I feel enlightenment is reached through forgiveness, but let's get real here. What does forgiveness look like on a daily basis?

Everyday, people deal with minor scrimmages with other people...the guy who cuts you off in traffic, the co-worker who stole your project idea, the person who cuts in front of you in line at the supermarket with a cart full of groceries...you get the idea.

What is the best way to deal with these little things. I'm letting myself get dragged down by stupid grudges. When is it better to have a confrontation ("I was standing in line first!), or when do you just let it go.

I'm conflicted because having confrontations could escalate conflicts, whereas not confronting leads to smoldering. Any thoughts anyone?

[absvan]

I try to see the event from their perspective. I understand that people do certain things due to some reason. May be they cut you in the traffic because they were late for work. If that doesnt work, I ask myself - Why should I let someone else control my peace of mind? My peace is my own responsibility. If I let someone control that state, then I will never ever be peaceful.

Worst case scenario, things happen for us to learn something. The rude co-worker could be an opportunity for me to practice love. So its all for good. After all from a nonduality perspective, we are not separate .

Meditation and present moment awareness helps a lot. I highly suggest that.

[songwriter]

Because forgiveness is better for you than hate. Even From a egoistical point of view, only.
If it was your turn and somebody somehow hurried like crazy in front of you... it's his fight... maybe you can try to keep your turn anyway but without hate, just asserting yourself. Hate is self-destructive, maybe it can destruct the other... but sure the hater.

What is different is forgetting. I forgive but not forget (you have heard it before ). I mean I forgive someone, but when meeting again... I use to have it in mind what happened... that goes away with time, but people use to be repetitive and do the same things again... so maybe he/she would do a similar thing again (thought not so important), so there you are reminding again... and forgiving again...

We all should forgive, we all do mistakes, mainly coming from ignorance. "We just don't know what we do"

[Asmoday]

True, but perhaps the thing we are to learn is to stand up and assert ourselves.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Asmoday

True, but perhaps the thing we are to learn is to stand up and assert ourselves.

That's another question.

[WilliWibald]

I try to remind myself of how this could have been me (the one who cuts the other one off in traffic). And when I think of times when I do/did this I was always very much under pressure or feeling very unbalanced. So, in other words I feel compassion for the situation of the one who behaves this aggressively.
But of course: This doesn't always work - especially not, when I'm unhappy with myself. So at least I try to see it as a reminder of the issues in my life, that I have to solve (because such behavior does only make me really angry, if I'm not satisfied with my own situation).

[songwriter]

Usually the one that hurts is not that is "superior" at all it's just that he's suffering.

[Matthew Shea]

Forgiveness isn't really an act; it's a state of mind. It's something that happens naturally when you learn to love people for who they are and when you learn to accept your own imperfections. It also involves outright rejection of victimhood. In other words, whether or not someone wronged you is entirely a matter of your own judgement. That means someone can't wrong you unless you allow them. Their actions might reflect poor judgement, but that can be fixed. Forgiveness tends to come naturally when you see the "wrong" that was committed as being a human failing of the offender in addition to choosing to reject the status of being a victim of that wrong. It also involves an attitude of always making the best of out whatever hand you're dealt.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Red Willow

Everyday, people deal with minor scrimmages with other people...

Anger may be useful in two situations... letting off steam... and accomplish something that could not otherwise be done for lack of resources...

However, anger also diminishes judgment and affects rational thinking...

So, what I do when I feel that I have been slighted is to "mentally verbalize" my anger... then get rid of the emotion ASAP... (As Soon As Possible) then resume complete control...

That way, I don't get to grow a tumor... and I can keep my god given judgment and rationality...
.

[MsQ]

Originally Posted by Matthew Shea

Forgiveness isn't really an act; it's a state of mind. It's something that happens naturally when you learn to love people for who they are and when you learn to accept your own imperfections. It also involves outright rejection of victimhood. ... Forgiveness tends to come naturally when you see the "wrong" that was committed as being a human failing of the offender in addition to choosing to reject the status of being a victim of that wrong. It also involves an attitude of always making the best of out whatever hand you're dealt.

I really like Matthew's response as it ties in with my belief that so much of being angry at someone's cutting you off in traffic or taking credit for your work is about accepting your own imperfections. I noticed that when I worked on releasing judgment (still working on it!) the less angry I became. When I let go (again, still working on it!) of the "shoulds" like "He should do this." and "Don't they know they should do .." I released a lot of judgment and criticism and along with them, anger.

I try to look at the situation from the other person's point of view and not make any assumptions. I've done some whacky driving moves unintentionally and who knows what is going on in another driver's head.

I can see being upset with someone taking credit for my work (I've been in that situation!) and I don't confront when I'm angry. Of course, I am not confrontational by nature but I will assert myself if I have to.

When it comes to confrontation I do try to work from a good state that is, I don't want to be upset and hurt and angry. In the case of someone taking credit for my work, I realized that speaking with the person was pointless - he truly thought he was responsible. I just had a quiet talk with our manager who knew the score.

Line-cutting situations? Usually not worth it to me to confront. My thought on that is, Well, guess you need the time more than I. Sometimes the person has no idea they cut in front of me! So why make a big deal of it. Like Matthew said, I reject victimhood. Interestingly, some people will get upset FOR me.

When I get angry I wonder why. Isn't there a quote about how the people who upset us or who are the most difficult to like are our best teachers?

[Red Willow]

I like the idea of rejecting victimhood. It's just that it seems in this society, if you don't "STAND UP and DEFEND YOURSELF" you're seen as the victim. Or at least I feel that way sometimes.

I like what Shamou said about verbalizing your anger to blow it off. That seems to make sense in certain circumstances.

Usually I'm a very laid back person. I never seem to get all that upset about small things like the things I mentioned in the OP. But recently, I surprised myself by letting myself get very pissed over a small thing involving another mother at my daughter's preschool.

Maybe because I'm very emotional about my daughter, more so than other things in my life, I got upset. What's done is done--so there's probably no point in bringing up how "hurt" and "upset" I am--except to make her feel bad and guilty for what she did. And I suppose there's no point in that.

[ethereal]

Forgiveness only truly comes when you see things differently, and then there is nothing to forgive. But until then, we keep working at it with all the techniques we know

Operationally, it helps to assume that what happened to you was similar to what you've done to others in a past lifetime (or perhaps this current lifetime) -- if not physically the same, then mentally and emotionally (in terms of anguish). Then forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time, ask for their forgiveness, ask for God's forgiveness, etc.

It also helps to remember Socrate's saying, "man only chooses the good; only that he does not know the real good from the illusory good." Innate to consciousness is the automatic selection of what seems like the best option at the time. Those options are usually obscured by layers and layers of faulty belief systems and illusions, but intrinsically, human consciousness is innocent. Everybody started out as a happy little baby girl or boy, and then their minds got programmed and brainwashed by all sorts of crap. We then look at people with compassion, that they are so trapped within the illusion that they think this outcome is what will bring them happiness.

By repeatedly looking at situations from a more benign point of view, the acceptance and forgiveness becomes automatic.

I highly recommend the workbook from A Course in Miracles on forgiveness.

[Livgivare]

If someone is getting infront of you in a line or someone takes the last cake or something tiny like that, try to forgive as much as you can. Those small things are really small things that is not lifethrettning.

But if some co-worker stole your idea at work, and you have actually worked more then 3 days on it, I would at least tell that co-worker that I feel a bit sad about the fact that s/he took it from me, and that it could be ok, if s/he just asked me first and at least put some cred on me if so just in private. Then it is more easy to forgive.

At least that is my point of weiw!

Love Leelene