Ending a crush, infatuation, or idolatry

[Boreas]

I think we have all been in the situation before where we meet someone, even sometimes just see someone in a movie or on T.V. and then feel this incredible need to know everything about them, and the more we find out, the more infatuated, obsessed, and enamored we become.

This feeling always carries with it a sense of deep loss, like now, there is something missing in your life, when before it was just fine.

What is the cause of this feeling of loss?

Why are some ways to lessen it if any?

What are some good ways to stop obsessing over something, even if you
know in your mind that it is irrational? (This is especially true with movie stars)

I had a friend tell me once that having a crush was the best drug around, that your body was just releasing all sorts of chemicals. I have to admit there is a high to it, but there is also a very deep low. Any advice/tips welcome. Thanks!

[jsot]

I'm going through the same thing with this girl I like. I started to like her and got really depressed for a few weeks, it seemed like my whole life revolved around her. Not fun.
If for whatever reason you decided this person is not worth pursuing, I would reccomend erasing them from your life as much as you can. Throw away all their contacts, throw their photos in the back of your closet and start focusing on other things, maybe even another crush. You should avoid talking to this person as much you can. If you do have to talk to them, be polite. It's not like you're mad at them. But at the same time don't try to initiate further contact.
I hope this helps.

[dalang]

If it is a TV star or someone else that is unattainable:

You should focus on the fact that you indeed don't know a thing about that person. This lack of information leaves a gap that you fill with idealisations which lead to your obsession. The real person probably is a lot different than you imagine.

My solution is simple: stop thinking about them, delete all pictures, stories, whatever you have and try to find someone real.

If it's someone you actually have a chance of meeting, try to find out more by interacting with that person instead of just dreaming about it. Otherwise do what jsot said. Just don't stay in that position where you have a crush without acting on it.

As to the feeling of loss: I think this has to do with you living in the past more than in your present. Another reason might be that you aren't creating a future in which you actually find someone special.

[carenkh]

I'm not sure if this is *exactly* what you're talking about... but I remember acknowledging a while back that I got "crushes" on certain performers when I saw them live... Ellis Paul, Dar Williams, Paul Simon...

I recognized that I felt a deep connection to them - it felt like we should be friends! If only they would let me introduce myself, and we could go out for chai and a chat! I was with a friend when I saw Laurie Lewis, and had that same feeling, and saw it for what it was: These performers are doing exactly what they were put on earth to do. They are living fully from their spirits - especially when performing - and it's that connection to source that was attractive to me, not the actual person. I had them confused! Now, when I feel that for someone, I know it's not that person -- and I don't have to look up their birth dates, look for pictures in google images, etc. I know it's that deep connection that I'm feeling, because I'm seeing it expressed. Since I've looked for ways to connect to source in that way myself, I still feel that "thrill" for certain people, but I look at it differently - now it's like a secret we share.

When I've gotten crushes and obsessions otherwise, it's normally when I'm feeling there's something missing in my own life... my mind being filled with thoughts of that person takes the place of my feeling that emptiness. I don't think it's the crushes that bring the empty feeling. It's been a LONG time since I've felt that! Ever since I've been living my purpose as best as I'm able. I do remember just telling other people about my crushes brought relief... it's like I couldn't just keep it in my head on spin cycle that way -- and it gave us something to laugh about.

Wishing you peace ~

[Boreas]

Thanks for the support everyone! I think you are right, it is a complete waste of time to obsess on details and I just have to stop it. It is really supportive to hear your advice.

The funny thing is the last time I saw the person I have an obsession with I was happy and comforted in the feeling that I was not attracted...it was only 1 day after we separated that this happened. In truth, I feel like it is something that I can still almost stop and say "It was just a good time and now it is over".

Carenkh your post is really helpful because I do feel like it was something spiritual, and there is something positive in it in terms of thinking of the whole thing as a secret connection, I just have to keep that frame of mind and transform this from what it is, not a crush, but a good positive connection that lasted a short time but that can enrich my life in the future...I hope.

[Boreas]

I went to a yoga session and back, and just feel much better about all this.

I am not going to dwell on the past and try to forget little memories which get fantasies stirring in my head. Instead, I am going to be thankful for what I did have and treat it like a spark from a fire, something which may float away and die out, or which may come back and start another fire. I think that is fine and beautiful. Life is transient anyway. We should treasure each relationship as it happens, and then be richer for it. Even if it is someone from the movies.

Since carenkh was so honest as to admit her crushes, I will say that I once had this infatuation with Ingrid Bergman, even though she had already left this world. It could just be that a crush is an attraction to what we long to see in ourselves. We project this kind of style, elegance, wit, or whatever onto an image that doesn't exist and then run off with it to give our egos, our false selves, hope.

[Boreas]

This thread is a good addition to this issue:

Crazy Relationship Thoughts

[Dolazy]

It may seem that I am a sort of sneaky advertiser. I promise you that I am not.

There is a book called "Thoughts and feelings", written by Matthew McKay and others. It deals with many psychological problems. One of them is obsessional thinking. And that is what you are suffering from.

Psychology has researched a lot of methods on how to deal with this issue. The book ''Thoughts and feelings" summarizes the most effective techniques known at this date to deal with this problem (and many other problems). It also explains how to use them to help yourself without the involvement of a therapist. The techniques to deal with obsessional thinking are:

1. Thought stopping (developed by Bain (1928) and Joseph Wolpe late 1950s)
2. Flooding (developed by Thomas Stampfl, Zev Wanderer, Paul Salkovskis and Joan Kirk)
3. Worry control (developed by O'Leary et al 1992, and Brown et al. 1992)

You probably could find some information about these topics on Google. I do, however, recommend buying the aforementioned book. It's a small investment (less than 20$ I think) that will gain you a huge increase of knowledge about scientific research on how to deal with disturbing thoughts, emotions and habits.


Hope this helps,

Francis

[Boreas]

Thanks! I will check with my library.

[Amandaaa]

I have to admit there is a high to it, but there is also a very deep low.

no kidding.

i think it's worse than any other addiction.

What are some good ways to stop obsessing over something, even if you know in your mind that it is irrational?

i have no idea.

if you figure it out, let me know...
this lingering infatuation is the only thing in my life that i have no control over.

[ethereal]

Hehe, good thing you guys actually realize that it's not a happy state of being at all. People think that "being crazy in love" and infatuation is an enjoyable thing, but that state of wantingness and desiringness always carries a sense of loss with it. Even when you do get what you want, you fear that you will lose it, and when it does go (which is inevitable -- Buddha's principle of impermanence), you'll inevitably feel suffering.

This comes from the ego's illusion that it has to want something in order to get it, and it is the wantingness that gets it for you. The truth is completely the opposite -- in fact, LoA and IM supporters would probably say, your wantingness is intending lack and attracting lack, and pushes it further away! The ego believes that if it surrenders the desire, then it won't get the happiness associated with fulfilling it. But in fact, by surrendering everything, we get to increasing levels of freedom, love, and happiness that doesn't depend on outside circumstances. The happiness that we projected onto the fulfillment of desire, is now permanently experienced within you at all times as your LOC (level of consciousness), as your way of life and being in the world, and you realize that it never depended on outside circumstances at all.

We see that infatuation, crushes, "being madly in love", sexual lust, etc. are all coming from the LOC of Desire, 125. This is the level of projecting your happiness onto things separate and outside of yourself, then wanting and desiring it. Happiness, fulfillment, and completeness is projected into the hypothetical future fantasy that you're seeking. There is no way to really satisfy it, because you're seeking a fantasy, an illusion, something you've projected onto the thing that doesn't really exist in reality. That's why there's all this disillusionment in relationships, in materiality, in all areas of life. We project happiness "out there", when it really exists only "in here" -- and when you do get what is "out there", you realize that happiness really isn't there at all. No matter what happens, there always remains that separation between desiringness and what is desired, and that is what is creating the sense of loss. You can try your best to close the distance between the two, but it will always be there, as a natural consequence of the lower energy fields of desire / LOC 125.

The solution, is to surrender the lower fields of consciousness, in favor of higher ones. By surrendering the energy of desiringness, we move into LOC 250, Neutrality. At that point, you're ok whether you get what you want or if you don't; it's all the same. By releasing and surrendering the emotions of desire it shouldn't be too hard to get to this place, and there is tremendous freedom. You have the choice in how you feel about it, you aren't run by infatuation anymore. If we keep surrendering the lower levels of consciousness, we eventually get to LOC 500, Love. At that point, it becomes a way of being with the person. You're at one with the experience, with the person, with life. There is no longer that desiringness for anything, and thus no separation from that which is desired -- only a sense of completion, love, and fulfillment with the experience of that person, that is unconditional and doesn't depend on anything. It's almost like you're connecting to Source through that person, but it's not coming from the person, but from within yourself, and thus there is no experience of separation, lack, or loss. I like Carenkh's post, it's spot on

In practical terms, to surrender the lower negative energy fields, what you do is to be aware of the energy-feelingness of desire, of wantingness, of the frustration of not having what is desired, of the physical sensations of it (usually experienced in the gut or heart). And instead of resisting it or suppressing it, you just let it be there, sit with it, and keep running the energy/emotions out until it disappears. It may take minutes, hours, days, weeks, months -- but it's limited, and eventually it runs out. It's like a compressed energy reservoir of negativity, and by experiencing it out and letting it run, we decompress it. It's similar to the Sedona Method, if you've heard of it. But all you really have to do is just not resist it and surrender to the experience and the emotions as best as you can.

Good luck to you, and hope this helps. Be sure to tell us when you get over it all

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by ethereal

This comes from the ego's illusion that it has to want something in order to get it, and it is the wantingness that gets it for you. The truth is completely the opposite -- in fact, LoA and IM supporters would probably say, your wantingness is intending lack and attracting lack, and pushes it further away! The ego believes that if it surrenders the desire, then it won't get the happiness associated with fulfilling it. But in fact, by surrendering everything, we get to increasing levels of freedom, love, and happiness that doesn't depend on outside circumstances. The happiness that we projected onto the fulfillment of desire, is now permanently experienced within you at all times as your LOC (level of consciousness), as your way of life and being in the world, and you realize that it never depended on outside circumstances at all.

This is an excellent point!

I also like this quote from Dharma:

Originally Posted by Dharma

When you feel that uncomfortable feeling inside, just stay with it. "Yup, I feel really uncomfortable now and I'm not going to let my mind run away in a big story". And just be uncomfortable. See what's under the uncomfortable.

I feel like I am over the crush now, and stopping to observe my thoughts, and ask "Why, really why? Do I feel so much anxiety now? Why do I care if she walks through the door or not?" and then trying to see what answer I got is what really helped me. I think the answer will be different for everyone.

Anyway, I did this for two days and then realized that what was behind it all was that I would feel pressure to BE the perfect person at that time. The whole time I was obsessing with how I would act. Then I would stress that it would not be the right way. Once I realized this, I decided to accept myself for however I acted, that I didn't need to be perfect, and all the bad feelings and obsessions went away. It seems unrelated, but my crush was really about ME! I wanted to create a person that would support me, and my ideal version of myself. (Hey they don't call it egoic delusion for nothing)

What I can attest to is that observing your thoughts and feelings is powerful, and is the way out of a crush in my opinion. The whole thing has to do with you, probably some insecurity, and not the other person.

Look at it as an opportunity to find that thing out, and end it!

[DeTe]

Originally Posted by Boreas

This feeling always carries with it a sense of deep loss, like now, there is something missing in your life, when before it was just fine.

What are some good ways to stop obsessing over something, even if you
know in your mind that it is irrational? (This is especially true with movie stars)

Hi,

the major problem here is that all the advice that focuses of rationality, willpower and insight has little chance to go anywhere fast - if at all.

Thought, rationality, language etc. are located in certain parts of the brain (neocortex) while feelings, emotions etc. (like the ones you describe) reside in entirely different parts of the brain (limbic system).

That is why "you know in your mind that it is irrational" but that doesn't change anything. And you cannot simply "stop thinking about it". Sometimes emotions get weaker over time, but not always.

I recommend methods that belong to Energy Psychology, like EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), BSFF (Be Set Free Fast) and EmoTrance (my favorite).

These techniques are self-help methods that can and have been successfully applied in therapy, too. They work with high percentages of success and usually surprisingly fast.

For more information you can search this forum or easily google these methods.

[Strangemagik]

Why would you want to.


I fear even if you stop it you will have withdrawls that won't feel good at all. Because when the "high" is gone you will want more. I mean won't you end up in the same place either way.

[Livgivare]

I go through such periods in life when I find some famous person that I find just to be so adoreable that I can't stop liking their appearance. I think that the more you want to stop thinking and not be that way the more you think. Keep the pics you find online on your computer, do not stop looking at YouTube or TV/Movie with the person. Just accept it as being a face and something of the now. And also just think that it is OK. It is totaly fine to look at people and feel like you love their way of being or just looking. But you should avoid touching too much. A short hug on the street on a festival when everyone is happy and very into partying is OK but it sall stop there. autograph asking is also OK.

Some even uses the crush when they have sex with their spouce as a spice. I am not sure about what to think about this myself. But I can't seem to get it how people who are fine with this way should stop it if both agree that this is OK. Communication is the main key here. What is good for you two in a relationship is not OK for others.

I Even think that if you find any happiness into it, like being happy when seeing a clip is not bad. If you live a life with lots of depression it is OK to have a laugh.

So my advice to you. Just accept the way you are, and talk to your partner if you have one. And then just try to not make it a shame.

Love Leelene