Can anyone help with staying on track?

[MM19]

I am trying so hard (and have been mostly successful) with maintaining a positive attitude and loving myself, but must admit, whenever I talk to the ex (actually, correction, whenever I have a bad interaction with the ex), things get thrown off track. Also, if I don't hear from him for a while, I get thrown off. I am really working on the self-esteem, and in my best moments, I see all of myself, and my beauty, BUT, it can be tough. Sometimes this manifesting thing can be draining, and it seems obstacles are always thrown in the way to test your progress. This is all still new to me - just started on July 15th - any suggestions? Thanks, all! All love to you!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by MM19

I am trying so hard (and have been mostly successful) with maintaining a positive attitude and loving myself,

This is all still new to me - just started on July 15th - any suggestions? Thanks, all! All love to you!

I see that you are presently getting a doctorate in Art History... I am very impressed... and I congratulate you... but, I have to ask... "How hard to you have to work to get that degree...???"

You don't have to answer that... it was simply a hypothetical question to get you to realize just how hard it is to transform yourself from someone who obviously love art... to Dr. MM19...

It is very hard... and getting self-mastery is by no mean simpler... however, the more we work at it... the easier it becomes... and, finally, we attain our goal...

Now, the best way to overcome negative feeling, thoughts or emotions is by reaffirming that we are a positive person...

So, when the negative stuff gets into the brain... you tell yourself, "That's not me... that's not who I am... I am a positive person... this kind of thinking is not worthy of me..."

Persistence and perseverance are the only tools that can turn an ordinary Jane into a beautiful princess...

The very best of luck to you...
.

[MM19]

You are always such a positive presence on this site! Really. Thanks. Always a struggle until someone shows us the simple path, no?!? You are right. Positive, positive, positive. By the way - do you think it is alright to manifest about someone specifically, not just a relationship? Just curious. Someone had mentioned that it was not good to manifest for a specific person bc/ it suggests a certain attachment to the outcome. What are your thoughts? You seem pretty sage in this practice! Thanks again!

[Shamou]

Thank you for the kind words...

My thoughts on manifesting are quite simple... I believe that, "Your thoughts and feelings tend to attract what will happen in your life..." period...

I have been in the business (PD, LoA etc) for many decades... and I have rubbed elbows with the best in the business... and that is how most of them feel about it...

So, manifesting for love and the ideal partner will work... but I highly doubt that trying to manifest anything (or anyone) specifically would work... however there is no way that manifesting anyone in particular could have some adverse effect... except maybe failure to obtain that person...

Again, the very best of luck to you...
.

[tylerlloyd]

Your positive approach is really good. After reading what you wrote, however, I would recommend trying to stay as far away from the ex as possible. Why would you want a person that makes you feel bad in your life?

I guess it comes down to the kind of standards you hold for yourself. I'm not one to judge but I say reevaluate some of these things for yourself and see what you come up with.

[MM19]

Thanks, Tyler, for your sweet note, and Shamou, as always, you are a light! To answer your question, Tyler, while I do see how he is "harming" me, it is odd, I am not one to usually put myself in this position. However, in this case, I do know this man to be very loving and light-filled. He is not his actions, or what they are showing lately. Actually, I think he is in a lot of denial, is fearful and is running away from what scares him.

Not to excuse his behavior, in the least. I don't even think he would want me to do so. But, he has a long past of fear of marriage. His parents were very unhappily married, and during their separation, his dad had an affair with the woman he is now married to. His mom, can be a very emotionally overbearing person, suffering from her own emotions, and thus, when the man in question sees someone suffering or struggling he is fearful. After his parents' divorce, he had to take care of her at times like a partner, or a child, as opposed to a parent. His step mom is almost the opposite extreme. While his mother smothers him - with comments of how good he is when he is pleasing her, and how bad he is when he is not, his step mom barely acknowledges his presence (there are lists of harmful and unloving acts she has committed against him) and emasculates his dad. His grandfather on his father's side was an adulterer, leaving his g-ma with 7 children, and marrying another woman he cheated on while they were still in divorce proceedings. His g-parents on his mom's side fought horribly throughout their marriage (until he was dying) and could be a bit abusive. In spite of it all, he seems a rather sweet person, who loves them all fully, and does not seem to judge them, but place judgment on himself for not being better at handling their flaws.

Our problems began not after the first time he met my parents (which went splendidly), but after we had met his and then returned to spend time with my family and their best friends. All of whom are very much in love and happy. A friend of the family jokingly asked him "what are your intentions with our girl," and I think it got his wheels turning. My family is quite well off, I have no school debts, they are all happily married, etc., and he does have debts, does not know how to make a marriage work, etc., and seemed to freak out a bit. I think that his time with these other women is somehow about him gaining confidence. It does not seem to diminish the way he cares about me. When he is with me, he wants to include me in everything - his work, his family, his ups and downs, and still cannot say it is over forever. He still says he hopes it works out, but that he has to have a "creative breakthrough" and spend time alone (I know) for some time, and he does not know if he wants to get married or when he will.

Now, I should mention, this is a man, who since he was 2 has been saying he wants to marry and have kids. During the course of our relationship, he was the first to say he loved me, that he wanted to marry me, etc. I don't think it is me he fears or is rejecting, but himself. Sort of an extreme version of most men's cold feet. I don't think he would keep me around if he didn't think I was, somehow, the one. I really don't. He has had numerous girlfriends/women before me, and they are all out of his life. Sounds sick, strange, and a bad excuse, I know, but I really don't think that his recent behavior should reflect the lifetime of this man who I know not to be this way.

It is sort of like a really early version of a mid-life crisis - they are now calling it the quarter-life crisis. I think it is a bunch of mumbo-jumbo in a way, but what society allows, society gets, no?

I really think he can move beyond this, and think part of the essential process is my not accepting him back into my life until he has returned to the ideal partner I initially fell in love with. See? I do not want him back as he is behaving now, but as he was when we were stable and happy.

Any new thoughts from either of you there?

Thanks a bunch! You two are very sweet to help me this way. Do let me know if I can be of any service in return.

Gratefully yours, MM

[JoannaC]

One really helpful suggestion I got from a friend was to use affirmations. I was stressing out because I just finished a course which everyone says will really improve my chances of getting a decent job in the next few months, but so far, there is some red tape I am dealing with and I still do not have the job. I was laying awake at night having panic attacks about how I would never get a good job and would die broke and alone and dependent on my mother

So she said to me "Do you have a plan to help your chances for getting the job?" I immediately said yes and started listing all the things I was doing. She said "Do you have a Plan B for if you do not get the job?" I again immediately said yes and started listing off other things. Then she said "Do you have a deadline by which if you do not have the job, you will implement your Plan B?" So I said yes and gave her a date. Then she said "Okay, so you have a plan, and you are following it. You know you are doing everything you can." I agreed with this, but asked her what I should do when even knowing that, I still had my little episodes of worry. She said "When that happens, you need to just firmly tell yourself OKAY, I AM FOLLOWING THE PLAN. To my surprise, it has been working. When I start stressing out, I just remind myself that I am following the plan, and it's all good. Such a simple affirmation, but it needed to be spelled out to me, I guess.

[tylerlloyd]

I see that he's obviously had his share of problems to deal with. And since you feel that, in the end, you still might end up together, you are hanging on (if I'm incorrect in this assumption, please correct me).

Now, I will give you some thoughts on what I think you should do if I was in your given position, but please remember that no one understands your situation as well as you do, so remember to scrutinize any advice that I or anyone else gives you.

In your position, I think it might be of interest to meet some other people. That is, go out and see if you can't find a man that is not only loving and a good person deep down, but also makes you feel good about yourself. I can see from what you wrote that you are a caring person - but if the ex has to play a role in your life let it be as a friend.

It might sound archaic now, but "find a man who knows how to treat you right."

[MM19]

Think that both of your most recent advice seems to go hand-in-hand, no? Perhaps not ready to look for "other" men just yet, but for now, the Plan A is to take care of myself. Believe in myself; remember I am worthy of love; try to get my school work finished and done (working on my PhD); get my body in shape, as well as my house; keep up with my friends and family; and work on my practice of meditation. Should he come around during this time, think it is best to stick with Plan A, regardless, and if he is not the man I need/want him to be, well, then, keep working the plan. No need for a Plan B just yet, don't think. However, if and when I am ready again for a relationship, perhaps then, I can look at Plan A and B again. Then, Plan A will be get over him. Plan B will be incorporate him. We'll see where he is then. Since he is nowhere near ready now, seems best to stick to my original Plan A.