How Do I Become a More Supportive Person?

[NotesMaeve]

I really, really like this boy I'm seeing, guys. I mean, am crazy about him. However, he suffers from a chronic illness that affects his moods. He also is going through a painful divorce and is making a few other big life changes like going back to school and seeing a hot, younger woman.

All kidding aside, he's in a lot of turmoil/pain. I try the standard stuff like telling him I'll go to support groups with him, rubbing his back until he falls asleep, and I know he'll get through this and I tell him so. I try to compliment him for his strength and kindness.

What else can I do to see him through this period? I call him once a day just to tell him how awesome I think he is and am always super affectionate and open with him. He's slowly reaching out to me, but is there any way I can help him kick it into high gear with ridding himself of depression? Anything extra I can be doing? Bueler? Bueler?

[Angela]

NotesMaeve, first of all, you are the hot, younger woman, right? I thought so.

Are you trying to 'get' something out of this relationship? It sounds like your intentions are all give-give-give, but I suspect that you are secretly hoping that all your giving will result in him giving back -- devotion, love, feeling grateful to you, committing to you, etc. -- something like that.

Expectations, feelings of being owed or owing, and hoping to 'help' someone are all roads to suffering in a relationship, which I'm sure you know. Just reminding you. This guy is going through a painful divorce, so he is NOT AVAILABLE TO YOU for a romantic relationship. Your whole being is probably shouting out, no, no, you don't get it, my situation is different! And that's why I'm shouting: A MAN GOING THROUGH A PAINFUL DIVORCE IS NOT AVAILABLE TO YOU for a romantic relationship.

I suggest you be his best friend if you want to, but stop sleeping with him. Go out with other men, ones who are available. Also, look inside yourself to see if there is a reason you might be attracted to a man who is not only not available, but also kind of a fixer-upper. forget about him for the moment -- what's going on with you?

"How do I become a more supportive person?" ????
By supporting YOUR OWN SELF FIRST. Put your own oxygen mask on first!

(pardon my tough love, NotesMaeve. I send you lots of love and support regardless of how hard my words might sound right now.)

Angela

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Angela

NotesMaeve, first of all, you are the hot, younger woman, right? I thought so.

Having a bit of self-agrandizing fun. Mea culpa.

Are you trying to 'get' something out of this relationship? It sounds like your intentions are all give-give-give, but I suspect that you are secretly hoping that all your giving will result in him giving back -- devotion, love, feeling grateful to you, committing to you, etc. -- something like that.

He's pretty generous, honestly, with his devotion, love, etc.

Expectations, feelings of being owed or owing, and hoping to 'help' someone are all roads to suffering in a relationship, which I'm sure you know. Just reminding you. This guy is going through a painful divorce, so he is NOT AVAILABLE TO YOU for a romantic relationship. Your whole being is probably shouting out, no, no, you don't get it, my situation is different! And that's why I'm shouting: A MAN GOING THROUGH A PAINFUL DIVORCE IS NOT AVAILABLE TO YOU for a romantic relationship.

I suggest you be his best friend if you want to, but stop sleeping with him. Go out with other men, ones who are available. Also, look inside yourself to see if there is a reason you might be attracted to a man who is not only not available, but also kind of a fixer-upper. forget about him for the moment -- what's going on with you?

"How do I become a more supportive person?" ????
By supporting YOUR OWN SELF FIRST. Put your own oxygen mask on first!

(pardon my tough love, NotesMaeve. I send you lots of love and support regardless of how hard my words might sound right now.)

Angela

I concur, and have given him space for just that reason. I back off and he comes back.

My life on the whole is pretty good right now. I like my job, where I live, my circle of friends, etc.

Why I attracted him? Hm. Outstanding question. Entered my mind over the past few days, and I just haven't been able to pick this one apart. He's incredibly brave and supportive and sweet. I guess I'd like to extend that back.

[tylerlloyd]

I'm going to have to agree with Angela.

If you keep going at the rate you are, there's gonna be a point when all his worthless emotional baggage is going to be too much to handle and your going to be miserable and wonder why it had to happen to you.

This is my opinion after reading what you wrote - remember, I don't know the guy or you, so keep that in mind as you weigh the opinions that you come across.

Anyway, good luck in reaching the decisions that are best for you