Seeking a Community

[cations]

Dear Community

I am feeling something I have never felt before. I don't feel!

I have a computer science and psychology degree and I have a Bachelor of Ed.

I am now working as an intern doing programming work with a very low salary. I used to be the leader of my friendship circle but now have lost their respect but not their friendship. My mind feels no passion and no hope. I am single and live with my parents ( I am almost 30).

I read self-help books since I was a teen and got hooked on Real Time Strategy games (similar to chess) which brought me much enjoyment and was my main distraction and source of self-esteem. (I gave up computer games now because I feel guilty when I play)

Life was hard before but I always had some hope and didn't give up searching.

After I graduated from university I went to teach English abroad. I drank a lot, became lazy and played computer games.

I always considered myself intelligent but for the past year I have lost all my confidence since I didn't get into teaching in Canada as I had dreamed.

My parents are very supportive.

I try to exercise but it doesn't help. Yet I still exercise. I just feel a minor headache all day and my memory and cognitive abilities are very low. I forgot how it feels to succeed and to be passionate. I listened to Steve Pavlani today while programming and it helped a little. Basically, I know what my problem is exactly..... FEAR and Doubt, lack of Goals, lack of hope for the future. I am 30 and have nothing to show for it... other than my education. I take a lot of abuse from people now that I would never tolerate before due to my low self-esteem.

I have never felt this fear before, yet I feel nothing at all. Before, I always felt like I was protected somehow .... I wasn't rejected by schools or employers often. I sort of believed in God but now I am a 95% atheist. The only thing that makes me believe there is a God are miracles like babies.

About over a year ago after I graduated from teacher's college ..... I decided to take my spirituality to the extreme level and I took a 10 day free meditation (Silent medidation vipassana) course.

I felt a boost after this course for about a month. I started applying for jobs and my core beliefs were as Steve described..... Non-duality, no-competition, abudance, no-scarcity. I meditated for at least 2 hours a day and believed I knew the truth.

It is true what Steve says... when you have this mindset you become much more productive. I was able to concentrate much better and produced some of my best work because I had very little fear or doubt. I dropped all my bad habits ... computer games, eating late etc.... and removed meat from my diet. I didn't judge people and I became anti-competition. I didn't judge people's appearance and didn't lie. I didn't take jobs that I thought I would quit and I always wanted to be fair and considered others over me.

Through out my life I didn't really believe some people were superior to others. For example I freely talked to proffesors and considered them equal to me. I bought into the belief that I am not my accomplishments and when people told me ... you have a degree from the University of Toronto I just discounted it and told them it was no big deal.

The problem is that it is not reality. Reality is competition and scarcity. However, the paradox is that if you think that way you already lost because the fear and self monitoring will kill you. So it's confusing because if you perceive reality accurately you are dead meat but if you delude yourself too much as I did after meditation you are dead meat too.

Everywhere I look all I see is competition now. If I look at a flower I just see its struggle for survival. I compare myself to others and wonder how people are able to afford the luxury cars and homes they have. If I try to work hard I am not productive .... if I try to relax I can't because I feel guilty because people work so hard and I still have it good (thanks to my parents).

I have doubts about my intelligence and always question my memory abilities.
I make some really dumb mistakes now because my mind is always somewhere else and not really on the task at hand.

I often took naps before to help me deal with stress and to achieve high states of concentration (necessary to complete University assignments). If forgot the winning feeling I would play Real time strategy computer games which I was really good at, drink Beer or go dancing. I don't do any of these anymore. I am not curious ....

I have been on Prozac since I was 17. After the meditation course I stopped for about a year but have resumed medication five weeks ago. Maybe the alcohol and the medication combination destroyed my brain but I refuse to believe that because after meditation I was quite productive although sheltered.

I often have the worst kind of thoughts ...... although I have not given up hope yet. Somehow I have to find a way to delude myself for the majority of time and be able to enter reality at other times that is the only way to get out of this mess.

I have to think positive as much as possible and re-establish those positive neural pathways. When I used to drink beer I justified it by saying sometimes drinking is OK because sometimes you just need to remember that good feeling which you are striving to achieve. I was able to achieve that feeling through doing university assignments, playing computer games or solving complex problems.

I don't remember what that feeling feels like anymore..... I guess I am scared that if I feel it again... that means I will have to feel the pain as well.

Somehow I have to slowly get myself to feel that feeling and pain at the same time and gradually work myself up again.

thanks for listening and thank you for the responses.

[fiar]

There was a point in my life when I just wanted to stop feeling. I wanted to die. Not so much because I wanted to die, but because I didn't want to feel anymore. I didn't want to breathe anymore. I just wanted to cease.

I hope you can learn that you are valuable. You are the most important person in the universe. Don't lie to yourself and say that your degree is no big deal.

It is.

Not everything is scarcity. If you project scarcity, that is what you will experience.

Find things to feel that will feel good. Something funny, for example. A day at the theme park. Something that will be joyful. Avoid things that "feel good" but ultimately feel bad, like casual sex, or drugs.

Good luck. I empathize.

[Mark Lapierre]

cations, you mentioned that your parents are supportive. What kind of support do they give? You also mentioned that you've lost your friend's respect, but not their friendship. Do you still socialise with them? And your prozac medication, is that backed up by therapy?

I feel (or rather, don't feel) the same sometimes. My interests are also similar (computer science degree, currently studying psychology, love RTSs, considered teaching English in Japan). What always gets me feeling lively again is socialising. Unfortunately it also rapidly drains me, but an hour or two with one or two friends leaves me feeling comfortably alive afterwards (for up to a week sometimes).

[create purpose]

30 is the new 20, (and I'm 40!) are those really your criticisms or society's? don't worry so much. life is about constant learning, go out and do something new....and don't worry so much

[C33]

It seems you are going through a bad phase. Try to take it as it is: a phase, and convince yourself it will pass and you will soon go from bad weather to sunshine.

You already have a lot of positive achievements and aspects in your life: your family, your degree...

My father used to help me a lot, and one day he said this to me: " I help you because you are worth it." I am sure your parents feel the same and want to help you because they love and value you and know that you have the ability to succeed and get out of your rut.

Good luck to you.

[Mpowered]

I want to share a simple strategy for increasing your self esteem. The strategy involves keeping track of your successes. The problem most of us have is that we have unrealistic views of what must happen in order for us to feel successful. This is the wrong approach. Instead, we need to lower our expectations of what we consider success.

I know you feel successful because of your college graduation achievement. But the truth is that every class you passed along the way was one small success that lead to the big success.

When I say keep track of your success, I mean writting them down in a journal or notebook. Write out everything you can think of and review this list daily. What you are doing is reprogramming your mind to feel good about the small success while you pursue the large goal.

Some examples may be:
I wrote one hour today without the distraction of TV.
I woke up early to exercise when my body was saying stay in bed.

Whatever it takes for you to feel good about yourself It's worth it for you to do it.

Demond

[Max Power]

Drugs are used to either stop emotion or enhance emotion. I'm no expert or qualified medical professional, but when Max Power gets on the sauce, things turn to custard very quickly.

And I usually stop by here and go berserk.........

The longer I'm off the sauce (drugs) the better everything seems to work.

Just my OP.

Max

[Brutha]

I read self-help books since I was a teen and got hooked on Real Time Strategy games (similar to chess) which brought me much enjoyment and was my main distraction and source of self-esteem.

Real Time Strategy hasn't much to do chess. It is about making quick intuitive judgements and being fast with your mouse and keyboard.
Chess on the other hand is a game where you have to outthink your opponent. Real Time Strategy is an oxymoron. Strategy needs time to be developed.

I meditated for at least 2 hours a day and believed I knew the truth.

I don't know how you meditate but thinking you knew the truth is counterproductice. If you see the Buddha kill the Buddha.

[Buddy]

50 is the new 30 (I hope). Watch funny movies, make a check list...which part of my life doesn't work? You've done the right thing by coming here. And I bet it helped a little just getting it out of your head and written down.
Cheers,
Buddy

Here's a stupid joke....what's brown and sounds like a bell?







DUNG!!!!!