Anyone here a recovering addict?

[Jes]

Last night I had probably the scariest experience of my life. It started with just a few hits of marijuana---a very small amount for me, to the point where I wasn't really expecting to feel high at all. But after a few minutes, the nausea set in. It's happened once or twice before (albeit after smoking a MUCH larger amount than that), so I think to myself "go wait it out in the bathroom; you might throw up but you'll be all right afterward." As I begin walking, I start to feel dizzy---really, really dizzy. By the time I got there, I couldn't stand up. Blood was either rushing to or from my head, like when you stand up after a long movie, but 10 times as intense. After another minute, I temporarily lost my hearing. "Oh God, this is it," I thought. "I'm probably not going to die, but I might, and I'll at least definitely pass out. Just don't let yourself pass out before you throw up. You're going to be all right. You're going to be all right. Are you going to be all right? Sure, you'll be all right. Oh God, I'm losing my mind. I can't think. My heart is racing, I feel cold, but I can't really feel anything." Then I threw up. "Thank God, I'm going to feel OK now. Wait. I don't feel OK. I still feel horrible. But I think I can stand up. Let me try that." I stand up and look in the mirror: it looks as though I've been dead for hours. My face is the palest I've ever seen it, my lips completely blue. I'm cold, but I no longer think I'm going to pass out. Eventually, I come to, but even today I still feel a little off. That was the closest to death I've ever felt.

But this morning I wake up thinking "that was awful, but it probably won't happen again the next time I smoke. I should look into quitting, but I don't have to start today." And then I realize I've got a problem.

It's been two years since I started smoking regularly, and in that time, I've accomplished almost nothing. I may have grown slightly as a person, but I'm still in the same position as I was in August 2005. Actually, I'm worse off, because I at least began with $15-20k in the bank. Now I've declared bankruptcy, and have less than $800. I'm clinically depressed and can't remember the last time I had a full 24 hours of happiness. But the truth is, I don't know if I'd be any happier if I were sober. Two years ago my girlfriend of four years got up and left me one morning, a day after I thought our relationship couldn't be any better. She gave me no explanation and never said another word to me. Since then my outlook on life has been drastically different, and I'm afraid to give up the two things that bring me peace: getting high, and my new drug-addicted girlfriend. They are the only two things I look forward to each day.

So my question for those in recovery: is life more enjoyable for you now that you're clean? A silly question, I know, but the real world frightens me to tears. How do you deal with the harshness of life without "taking the edge off?"

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am sorry I can't be of help because I am an occasional smoker, but were you unintentionally smoking wet? Either way I think maybe your body (or something else if you want to frame it that way) may be trying to tell you something.

I know that the two weeks my boyfriend went without smoking when he was trying to get into the Army were two great weeks. He actually said life was easier, though he had always thought he wouldn't be able to hang without Mary Jane. He was more pleasant to be around. And the way you describe yourself in this post, you could almost be him at certian times.

I know you can handle clean life. I am not sure you would be happier if you were sober, but there is one way to find out. Give it a good try. You can always go back, but I think it would be good for you to feel it rather than trying to hypothesize what it might be like. You may be surprised.

[Jes]

I think I may give it a shot. I'm at least going to check out an NA meeting tonight. Here's hoping ...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, that's a start. You won't really ever know what it feels like to be sober unless you do it. I think it is worth giving yourself that option. Good luck with your meeting.

[Dan.Linehan]

I smoked pot for a long time; it was always a bad situation. Bad people around, no motivation, depression, over analyzation, inaction, invalidation.

Being sober is better. It may take 6 months or so to fully realize how much so. One day you'll just realize that your life just got better and better after you quit.

Pot dulls your emotions, making it really hard to impact positive change in your life.

[Atma]

I was never addicted,but I went through the whole menu that was available in my country when I was active,and we had plenty. Now the condition has "improved" and we cought up with the west (I'm in south-eastern Europe).
Pot addiction is not so serious as an addiction,but it can be very dangerous for your mental health in extreme cases.I had this discussion in spirituality section,you can check me out.

Try this link from an organisation for legalisation:
Cannabis Use and Psychosis

For me, life with real spirituality (it can be any creative activity which uplifts, so it can also be labeld spiritual) is much better and fulfilling than those years of self destruction from which I learned a big lesson and turned them into a positive life capital.
As I like to say:
Free your mind-clean!

[skinnyninja]

I am a recovering addict with six and half years clean and sober. My first drug I ever tried was marijuana. Looking back, I can see that pot eventually led me to try other drugs as well.

I sometimes rationalized my drug use as a spiritual quest. It wasn't. Getting high was a shortcut that merely hinted at something greater. It was a false promise, because there was never going to be any spiritual growth. Just a slack-jawed stoner who thought they were really connecting to something.

The main thing that kept me from getting clean for so long was that I didn't think I would ever have any fun again. I didn't think that life would be worth living without drugs and booze. I went to some NA meetings and people told me that my life would get better and I would have fun again. I did not believe them.

Eventually I got really miserable though, and I decided to give sobriety a try anyway. I honestly thought I would be miserable forever without my drugs. Of course, I was wrong. My life is awesome today. Your idea of what is fun will change as you stay sober. I can once again appreciate a fine meal or good conversation. When you're getting high, though, things like that seem stupid and meaningless. Just give me the drugs!

Understand that I truly did not believe I would ever be happy if I got clean. I really didn't think it was possible. So if you are hooked on drugs or alcohol and you think that you are somehow special or different and that the only way you can be happy is to keep using--that is not true. You can find a life of peace and contentment and overcome your addiction.

I have a recovery website right here if you want to read more.

[Atma]

Originally Posted by skinnyninja

I sometimes rationalized my drug use as a spiritual quest. It wasn't. Getting high was a shortcut that merely hinted at something greater. It was a false promise, because there was never going to be any spiritual growth. Just a slack-jawed stoner who thought they were really connecting to something.

The main thing that kept me from getting clean for so long was that I didn't think I would ever have any fun again. I didn't think that life would be worth living without drugs and booze. I went to some NA meetings and people told me that my life would get better and I would have fun again. I did not believe them.

Understand that I truly did not believe I would ever be happy if I got clean. I really didn't think it was possible.

This is the view coming from somebody who hit his own bottom (at different depth for each individual),and most importantly,realised the truth about doing drugs in general,and about doing drugs with the mistaken idea of a search for the true spiritual experience.
skinnyninja,It's good to have this true views here,people are often misled.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I recently visited a friend who smokes pot with his drug-addicted girlfriend. It was the longest week of my life and although I know he is not addicted,I can see him going down that path. The first day I got there, he was like, "I'm gonna find someone who can get us some coke." And the first thing I thought was, "Oh, no. We've lost another one." Just quit as gradually as you know how. Wean yourself off. I personally have never done drugs but I do know many people who deal with addiction every day and it is very hard to go cold turkey, but if you slowly get this drug out of your system, you could beat the addiction.

Also, getting rid of negative infludences around you, like a drug-addicted girlfriend or other aquantances and going out and finding positive, supportive people who encourage you to pursue a purpose and to make the world a better place may be a good move. I know it is easier said than done, but leave the how part up to the universe. Just make those intentions.

[JesusJuice]

I've smoked dope for over 20yrs and stopped started over the last few years. The first 4 weeks is not so good but give it 3-6 sometimes even longer months down the line and you will feel 100% again.

You may feel depressed or want a drink but it does get better. I know this myself. I just recently stopped again and only have to look around me to see what I have done or not done in my life.

The good thing is that I know it will pass and to find another focus.
The best thing I can say to you is take up some kind of sport, jogging, gym .... to workout any "rage" and have a network of non- smoking friends if you can find a Psychologist.

At one point I stopped drugs/drinking for 2yrs and it made all the difference but I didn't have any goals. So I would say to you take some action and put yourself into some sort of hobby.

Also look into EFT, you can do it yourself and it can save you $$$$$ going to see someone.

[Old Soul]

So my question for those in recovery: is life more enjoyable for you now that you're clean? A silly question, I know, but the real world frightens me to tears. How do you deal with the harshness of life without "taking the edge off?"

I am not an addict , however my son is , and he does say now that if he lights up, he feels sick, he litterally feels a physical reaction, maybe because he at one time smoked quite heavily and frequently, he also says he is happy now with his new purchases , now that his money is not going into the drug....

So he is seeing* the positive differences which is nice as before he could not , as for seeing life more enjoyable, I asked him that one day, he says seeing life through being high was easier...as he had the pot to take the edge off reality, but that his reality is different now (working better for him).. more energy , he is back into sports etc....

BTW Good luck in your endevour :-)