Being Prepared for the Negative

[andrew]

Hey, I have this issue, it's more in social settings than others. When say I send somebody a message or ask somebody to do something or pretty much waiting for their response, I'm always thinking on how to respond if they say no. I'd think of all the things they could possibly say as an excuse and figureout what I could say in response to get the best outcome. Or to make backup plans when they say no. Carefull reading you would see that I said "when" not "if". It's like I'm already expecting them to say no. I think the reason behind this is due to me being let down so many times before with past friends and my poor social life.

Now I still feel it's good to have a backup plan, but I get to daydreaming the whole interaction and responses when they say no or whatever. I really put all this energy into it. Now I feel as this goes with the law of attraction, in where I'm putting all this energy into the negative, so that's what I'm focusing on getting. And when I catch myself doing this, I realize what I'm doing, but I just keep doing it. Like an addiction.

I know what I should be doing, I should be focusing on what's going to be fun and great when we do whatever they say 'yes' to. Focus on the positive outcome. I just find it hard to just force myself. I could be considered pesimistic in that sense, but in almost every other setting I'm very optimistic.

Ideas, suggestions?

[Kindred]

Being independant and indifferent is something I picked up in the dating world and helped me in other areas of my life.

So whether or not someone says something negative, my reaction is the similar to it's polarity. Being independant is the key there too, when you don't need to rely on others. You don't need to think about it at all then, because your response will be the similar to if they said yes.

If I ask my friend help putting together a map and they say yes, my response would be something like, "Okay, thanks." Then go on to explain how we'll go about doing it. If they said no, my response would be something like, "Okay, thanks anyway." Then continue our conversation, or start one if we didn't have one going already.

Remember there's always alternatives to dependance. My life is fairly busy sometimes and I have to tell friends I can't help them, and you have to expect that they're going to have busy times too. Strive for independance. Instead of looking between positive and negative responses think of what else you could do by yourself to get the task done. If it's a task that needs teamwork, you can always ask someone else.

[andrew]

I agree, and I'm great in that sense. If it's something non social, I'm fine.

It's when I WANT to do something with the other person, like something fun. I try to be indiferent to the outcome, and I try and show it, but deep down I still have the feeling of attachment to the outcome, esp if it's something I want. If you want it, doesn't that automatically mean you're attached to the outcome?

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by andrew

Hey, I have this issue, it's more in social settings than others. When say I send somebody a message or ask somebody to do something or pretty much waiting for their response, I'm always thinking on how to respond if they say no. I'd think of all the things they could possibly say as an excuse and figureout what I could say in response to get the best outcome. Or to make backup plans when they say no. Carefull reading you would see that I said "when" not "if". It's like I'm already expecting them to say no. I think the reason behind this is due to me being let down so many times before with past friends and my poor social life.

Now I still feel it's good to have a backup plan, but I get to daydreaming the whole interaction and responses when they say no or whatever. I really put all this energy into it. Now I feel as this goes with the law of attraction, in where I'm putting all this energy into the negative, so that's what I'm focusing on getting. And when I catch myself doing this, I realize what I'm doing, but I just keep doing it. Like an addiction.

I know what I should be doing, I should be focusing on what's going to be fun and great when we do whatever they say 'yes' to. Focus on the positive outcome. I just find it hard to just force myself. I could be considered pesimistic in that sense, but in almost every other setting I'm very optimistic.

Ideas, suggestions?

Andrew, this is something Salespeople and others go through and is known as 'Fear of failure'.

Brian tracy, Tom Hopkins, Zig Ziglar all talk in length about this wealth killer.

What is common to all of these gurus is that they say that 'Rejection is not Personal', it is in fact a rejection of the proposition/product/service and NOT the person.

Hopkins goes onto say that if you can work out your success ratio to your proposal ration (say 10 to 1) then learn to love a 'NO'!!!

This is because for every no you get, it means (a) your trying, and (b) your closer to a yes.

Look at this another way. Imagine a YES means €500 to you. If your Call to Sale ratio is 10-1 then Love your No's, as each one just earned you €50!

It need'nt just be sales, as this rule can be applied to any part of your life.

[Kindred]

It's when I WANT to do something with the other person, like something fun. I try to be indiferent to the outcome, and I try and show it, but deep down I still have the feeling of attachment to the outcome, esp if it's something I want. If you want it, doesn't that automatically mean you're attached to the outcome?

Ah, this touches definately touches the concept of "wanting it tax". The higher something is in demand, the higher the prices to pay are. It's the similar with people. Try going by this tip: if you want something, say less.

Try not to attach outcomes to people either, you may become needy then. And people "lean away" from neediness.

Well said by Stephen, I completely forgot about the fear of failure. I did this for overcoming my shyness. I'd try starting conversations with strangers. The first five or tries no one seemed to want to talk to me, but then someone did and I was able to hold a short conversation with them. Then I realized it wasn't so scary starting a conversation, because even if they rejected me I knew I'd be closer to finding someone that did. It really wasn't a big deal for me anymore.

[JeffS]

One thing to add: yes, it's great to know that every "no" brings you that much closer to a yes.

In general, LOA terms, try to think more generally about what you do want. If you're asking a friend to do something with you, don't think "I really hope she says yes, but if she doesn't, I guess I'll have to ask somebody else," think, "There's this activity I'm really looking forward to, and it would be great if I had the opportunity to do it with someone who was as excited about it as I was."

If you're anything like me , that's what you REALLY want ...you want to go have fun in a certain setting doing something enjoyable with someone else who is enjoying it to. Does it matter whether that person is your best friend, a casual acquaintance, or someone you randomly meet along the way?

And really, to take that one step farther, what you want is simply to enjoy something. For instance, I love certain kinds of classical music. Among my friends, that makes me unique, and I haven't found a lot of fellow concertgoers, especially ones who would want to join me multiple times per week. If it's something you can do alone, does it really matter if someone joins you? Your goal is to do something fun, and when you ask someone to do it with you, don't think of it as "I hope they say yes because then I'll have more fun," think: "I'm going to have a great time; I hope so-and-so wants to join me because I want them to enjoy themselves just as much as I will." In other words, their decision has more to do with THEM than it does with you.

I'll admit, though, a lot of this is easier said than done, which sounds like exactly where you're at. Anyway, hope it helps.

[Jill]

Originally Posted by Andrew

It's when I WANT to do something with the other person, like something fun. I try to be indiferent to the outcome, and I try and show it, but deep down I still have the feeling of attachment to the outcome, esp if it's something I want. If you want it, doesn't that automatically mean you're attached to the outcome?

You've hit the nail on the head here. It's definitely a problem of being too attached to the outcome. I hate to say it on this forum with so many young people, but I almost think this is something that comes with age (or if not age, certainly with experience).

If you can learn not to be too attached to the outcome of whatever you do, then the rest doesn't matter. It's good either way.

Certainly easier said then done, however!

[andrew]

Thanks for the great responses. I do have to say I'm familure with a lot the things you talk about, neediness, wanting it tax etc. And on the outside, I make it seem like I'm indifferent. But it seems to me you can say the exact samething the exact sameway in the exact same senario with different outcomes based on what your true inner needs/intentions are. Go with me here.

I'm not refuring to if you're needy inside, when you say something, the tonality and body language effects the interpretation. Disregard that. Let's pretend it's just a text message, an email. Whatever you were feeling inside was somehow, I don't know, attached to the message. So lets's also pretend the exact same senario. Exact same time read and sent, exact same message, everything ever is exactly the same EXCEPT that senario A you were feeling needy and B you were indifferent.

Do you think the person's response would be different? On some level do you think they could pick up on that vibe? I don't know, it could be some sort of psychic energy thing, or LOA. What do you think?

I mean I'm not talking about strangers or anything, but like a friend you like to hangout with, and you're just expecting them to blow you off. For no other reason besides my previous experiences and over anylizing everything. I mean it's hard to not take it personal when they're like you're friend. I strive for the indiference, but is there truely a level of non disapointment?

[Michael Chui]

I recently read something... I think it was some other thread on this forum... about how when you ask someone to do something, you shouldn't let them mull over their questions, but should just speak as if they're going to say yes.

So instead asking them, "Want to go hang out at X?", you say, "Hey, let's go have some fun doing X!" Or something similar. It's an idea; I haven't tried it out myself.

[Keith]

Invoking my inner Tolle, it seems to me that you're not in the Now. When you're worrying, your mind is off somewhere in a possible future ; a 'could be'. If you catch yourself doing that, bring your mind back to what is. If you're asking someone something focus on that - the asking - and just that. Don't focus on what the outcome may or may not be - that's irrelevant to the moment.

Just do it - the outcome is for later.

[Jill]

Originally Posted by Andrew

Do you think the person's response would be different? On some level do you think they could pick up on that vibe? I don't know, it could be some sort of psychic energy thing, or LOA. What do you think?

No, I don't think so. If it were that easy to effect our world more people would do it. I do believe we can do it, but I believe it takes more than you really wanting something. (I know that's not what you're saying, of course.)

But I'm just giving my opinion here. Who knows, maybe it really is that easy!

[KittyG]

Sounds like codependency.

Good book recommendation: "Facing Codependency" by Pia Mellody.

It helped me.

[iry]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

I recently read something... I think it was some other thread on this forum... about how when you ask someone to do something, you shouldn't let them mull over their questions, but should just speak as if they're going to say yes.

So instead asking them, "Want to go hang out at X?", you say, "Hey, let's go have some fun doing X!" Or something similar. It's an idea; I haven't tried it out myself.

Recently I read a book called “How to stop worrying and start living” by Dale Carnegie. It’s a great book where it shows you how worrying will “eat” up your mind and affect the outcome.

And here’s are some of the excerpt from the book.

Let's not allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget.
Remember "Life is too short to be little."

Question No. 1 -What am I worrying about? (Please pencil the answer to that
question in the space below.)
Question No. 2 -What can I do about it? (Please write your answer to that question in
the space below.)
Question No. 3 -Here is what I am going to do about it.
Question No. 4 -When am I going to start doing it?


1. How much does this thing I am worrying about really matter to me?
2. At what point shall I set a "stop-loss" order on this worry -and forget it?
3. Exactly how much shall I pay for this whistle? Have I already paid more than it is
worth?

[KittyG]

Andrew,

There are three things that we cannot control. .
the weather, the past and others.

I often find reciting the serenity prayer helpful . . .

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Like I said, it sounds like the classic signs of co dependency.
I recommend Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Co dependence"

~Kat

[Milo Riano]

I found myself in that loop before but I learned to drop it altogether. I send the message and that's it, just check for their response if any then I'll cross the bridge when I get there. It's all in the mind.

[andrew]

Yeah I should really just force myself to do that. And I've known I should, but it's like an addiction, well maybe a habbit, that I just plan everything out all the possibilities. I'm sure that's helpful in most situations, except this.

[awu]

Andrew, I have the same kinds of issues as you, in fact, it's so bad sometimes I don't bother asking someone to do something just because I'm afraid they'll say no. Or they'll say yes, and then don't show up or change their minds at the last minute, which hurts even more.

In the short term, I find it helps to have alternatives/substitutes. If friend x doesn't want to do something, maybe friend y does. Or friend y might want to do something else, which would still be fun.

I've also found reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" to be quite helpful.

As an example, I love hiking, and there's one friend who I always want to go with, but he's often non-commital, or he'll say yes and then change his mind a couple days before we go. I would have gone with another friend, but I happened to really like going with this friend. The best alternative I could find was going out with the outdoor club in my city, where strangers meet up in a parking lot, and head out to the mountains and hike. That way, I can meet other people who might make good hiking partners.

I'd say it's all a matter of remaining flexible, and if too many friends turn you down all the time, then maybe it's time to expand your social network, knowing that it may take time but it's worth it.