Faces, short essay and question of my current life

[Sheeo]

Ok I wrote this short essay, hoped some of you guys might help me out:

What are all of these different faces I put on? Why do I pretend to be a certain person, in a certain situation—but an hour later pretend to be another person, when opposed by a new situation? At some point the faces get intertwined, ambiguous and blurred—they’re no longer that different, and in the end I wonder if they’re all just different aspects of me. But no, why should my persona be like a mathematical equation with several representations? It can’t be true—there must be one true me. Mustn’t there?

I embarked on the quest to find out about that years ago, and I thought I had made progress but now it seems I haven’t—I’m stuck at square one, with 7 faces or above. I have the face that I hear in my thoughts—it’s the one I believe as being me. I have the face I use for social appearances with friends that I drink with—it’s a slightly more cynical, close-minded and social face, one that requires alcohol and spontaneous action to function optimally. I have the face that I use for other social appearances, with friends that are more decent and down-to-earth—it’s my face of happiness and pretending to be calm when not. I have the face I use in front of my family, an easily aggravated face that won’t hesitate to shout to get its way. I also have a face for my class; it’s a special one that’s used to trying to prove itself when really everyone’s just laughing at it, anyway. I have a face I put on when talking online—cynical know-it-all programming nerd, pretty much describes it. Finally I have a face I put up on front of any girlfriend, loving, kind and content, selfless and generally happy.

Blending of these happens all the time, and the worst part is when two situations requiring two different faces occur—clash of the titans, or should I say just faces. What happens is that the strongest face prevails, unfortunately. Will this face war ever end, or am I stuck in some sort of immature loop? Why can’t I shine out and be truly myself, if there even is a “me” somewhere in here?

Lots of questions here. Frankly, it’s because I haven’t yet found any answers. I wish someone would guide me out of this.

[Shamou]

Sheeo…

Most of us are like raging rivers… ever moving, ever changing… being drawn by gravity (path of the least effort) by the wind (society’s influence) and by the terrain (the interaction with people.)

We are extremely complex and paradoxal beings… mostly irrational and motivated by passion while thinking to be rational and pragmatic…
We are gods in the making… but have not yet reached maturity…

So, if you only wear seven masks (or faces as you call it) consider yourself lucky… you are one of the sage and tame ones…

.

[ShiningLight]

Sheeo, love the essay, very thought-provoking, good questions. Here's my take:

It can’t be true—there must be one true me. Mustn’t there?

Yes, I believe there is only one true you.

Why can’t I shine out and be truly myself, if there even is a “me” somewhere in here?

For you to ask that question, you must already know the answer. The process of finding the answer is not of "discovering" it, but rather, of "uncovering" it. The truth is hidden behind "faces of lies." The question is not, whether you will know the truth, the question is, whether or not you are READY to know the truth? Do you REALLY want to know what you will "uncover?" Think about that for a second.

Think about all the consequences and repercussions it may have on your life. If you really "uncovered" who you are, would the people you surround yourself with really accept you - would you accept them? Would it mean you might have to end some relationships, change your career, move to another city/country? Does this scare you? Is fear holding you back?

When these things no longer matter to you, then your answer will be apparent. I don't think you are the type of person to let fear get in the way of your answer. You will find your answer - soon enough.

Sorry for all the questions - sometimes the best answer is a question.

[Sheeo]

Thank you for the insightful answers Shamou and ShiningLight.

Shamou:
You seem to be right--we are chaos-driven, to put it abrubtly. But mustn't there be something I can identify myself with? A certain personality, way of being and looking...

ShiningLight:
Yes, there must! And you are right, I'm not the kind of person to be held back by fear... I've studied Steve's articles on fear and I mostly agree with his looks on it--I've worked my way out of a lot of it. However the fear of others getting a bad impression of me still exists, and I suppose this has something to do with my 'faces' or masks, as Shamou puts it. Intellectually it doesn't matter to me if I have to change my entire life to uncover my true self, but there's some voice telling me that isn't possible--some form of hidden fear one might say.

And yes, definitely, questions can be answers, too--more often than you think, they seem to be.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Sheeo

Shamou:
You seem to be right--we are chaos-driven, to put it abrubtly. But mustn't there be something I can identify myself with? A certain personality, way of being and looking...

I personally believe that we are mostly a vast potentials held up by a framework of personal resources and aptitudes, inclinations and dispositions... and that we can willfully determine to a large extent what we are and will be...

That is the beauty of being human... we get to determine and fashion, to a large extent, our essence and nature...

.

[ShiningLight]

Sheeo, you're welcome!

Intellectually it doesn't matter to me if I have to change my entire life to uncover my true self, but there's some voice telling me that isn't possible--some form of hidden fear one might say.

A shift in perspective might help you. Try to think about this from a non-rational point of view. Don't try to "intellectualize" it, but rather "sense" it or "feel it." Meditate on it.

That is the beauty of being human... we get to determine and fashion, to a large extent, our essence and nature...

Take out "to a large extent" and that is what I believe. Once you realize there is "one true you," then you realize that you get to "choose to be you," and you realize you were "you all along." Remember the answer always lead to an "uncovering" which is there all along, just hidden.

At some point the faces get intertwined, ambiguous and blurred—they’re no longer that different, and in the end I wonder if they’re all just different aspects of me.