Can't look people in the eye

[introspective1]

when I speak, I always have trouble looking people in the eye, especially when I have to tell them that something they have done has upset me or gotten under my skin. Then when I do look them in the eye and tell them how I feel, I can't do it with a straight face....I always do this 'nervous laugh'. Who else has this problem? How do you overcome the fear of looking people in the eyes? I always think that I won't be taken seriously cause sometimes when I do speak my mind while looking someone in the eyes, they laugh at me and think I am not serious.

[Shamou]

There is a thread right here almost on the same subject... you might find some hindsight there...

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[Gary]

I read the other post and it talks a lot about changing the behavior. None of them address the core issue of emotions behind the external behavior.

The behavior of not looking people in the eyes, or doing it "with a nervous laugh" is a compensating strategy to avoid the emotions you feel. When you make your peace with the emotions underneath the behavior goes away by itself.

You hit the point when you said "how do you overcome this fear".
Behind each unpleasant emotion is a limited point of view and a limiting core belief.

How do you address fears???
Make an inventory of your core beliefs behind the fears.

If you attempt to change the behavior you end up chasing the tail of the problem. For real change you have got to deal with the core beliefs.

In this case, more specifically fear of looking people in the eyes usually has more to do with fear of people looking you in the eyes. Start with your beliefs behind that issue.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Gary

If you attempt to change the behavior you end up chasing the tail of the problem. For real change you have got to deal with the core beliefs.

In this case, more specifically fear of looking people in the eyes usually has more to do with fear of people looking you in the eyes. Start with your beliefs behind that issue.

Great post and great hindsight Gary...

Here is Tony Robbins on "core beliefs."

"We need to remember that most of our beliefs are generalizations about our past, based on our interpretations of painful and pleasurable experiences.

The challenge is threefold: 1) most of us do not consciously decide what we’re going to believe; 2) often our beliefs are based on misinterpretation of past experiences; and 3) once we adopt a belief, we forget it’s merely an interpretation.

We begin to treat our beliefs as if they’re realities, as if they are gospel. In fact, we rarely, if ever, question our long-held beliefs.

If you ever wonder why people do what they do, again, you need to remember that human beings are not random creatures: all of our actions are the result of our beliefs."

.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Great post and great hindsight Gary...

Here is Tony Robbins on "core beliefs."

"We need to remember that most of our beliefs are generalizations about our past, based on our interpretations of painful and pleasurable experiences.

The challenge is threefold: 1) most of us do not consciously decide what we’re going to believe; 2) often our beliefs are based on misinterpretation of past experiences; and 3) once we adopt a belief, we forget it’s merely an interpretation.

We begin to treat our beliefs as if they’re realities, as if they are gospel. In fact, we rarely, if ever, question our long-held beliefs.

If you ever wonder why people do what they do, again, you need to remember that human beings are not random creatures: all of our actions are the result of our beliefs."

.

I just wonder if we do not consciously decide what to believe then how do we change that belief since we do not know where it came from? If you are not conscious of something, then you don't notice how it comes into your life....

[Mark Lapierre]

It requires a gradual process of becoming ever more conscious of your thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, etc. The way to do this is through any practices which increases your awareness of your body and mind. Meditation, yoga, martial arts (including Tai Chi and Qigung), etc.

As your awareness increases you'll start to see what thoughts trigger the reactions that bother you, and you can then trace those thoughts back to the belief which generates them.

[sadavis00]

Research "The Look" by Sartre. It deals with exactly the issue of looking in someone's eyes, with existential theory. The theory behind Sartre's analysis can be found at Paul Vincent Spade's "Jean-Paul Sartre" Page, look at the Being and Nothingness lecture notes.

[homeboy]

I am of asian descent so I can understand how hard it is to look in someone's eyes when conversing. It is disrepectful in my culture to do so with elders and such. It takes alot of practice. Try it first with friends. The other thing to do is just do it and not think about it. Try to make it seem like its a normal thing. I haven't gotten over it yet and sometimes give an awkward smile. :P But I guess the most important part is identifying the problem and maybe why you do it. For me it was out of habit.

[Peleke4]

Originally Posted by introspective1

when I speak, I always have trouble looking people in the eye, especially when I have to tell them that something they have done has upset me or gotten under my skin. Then when I do look them in the eye and tell them how I feel, I can't do it with a straight face....I always do this 'nervous laugh'. Who else has this problem? How do you overcome the fear of looking people in the eyes? I always think that I won't be taken seriously cause sometimes when I do speak my mind while looking someone in the eyes, they laugh at me and think I am not serious.

If you look at the bridge of someone's nose, it appears as if you're looking directly into the person's eyes.

[sadavis00]

Originally Posted by Peleke4

If you look at the bridge of someone's nose, it appears as if you're looking directly into the person's eyes.

Good idea!

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Peleke4

If you look at the bridge of someone's nose, it appears as if you're looking directly into the person's eyes.

I have also heard that if you look at someones lips they can't tell the difference whether you are looking them in the eyes or not...interesting

[Mark Lapierre]

Wow. Both of those are completely wrong in my experience. If I'm close enough to have a conversation with someone, I can tell exactly where on my head they're looking. Left eye, right eye, back and forth, the acne scar just above where my glasses rest on my nose, my eye-brows, and most certainly my lips.

In fact looking back and forth between someone's lips and eyes is one way of showing that you want to kiss them. That wouldn't work if they couldn't tell where you're looking...