Strategies for letting go

[Love]

How do you "let go"?

I've been wondering about this. I feel that there are certain times in my life when I have been bugged by various people and things. Anger consumes me, and I feel like I want some understanding of my views. But that anger is not healthy, and it doesn't change the past, and certainly doesn't make me any nicer to the person in the future. In general, the anger just bogs me down. Is there any way to get rid of the anger and end up satisfied without bringing up the issue again?

Love

[Drew]

For me, anger was a self-esteem issue. My poor self-esteem was not able to handle the normal challenges we all face. As a result, whenever I felt I had been wronged by someone else, my anger would flare up.

Since I've been working on improving my self-esteem, I find that the anger episodes are few and far between.

[Holistic Star]

Anger is just a message that one of your boundaries has been crossed. Whilst I agree it isn't healthy to be consumed by anger, it is also unhealthy to suppress it without expressing it in some form as trying to squash it down can lead to illness.

So the challenge is to find a way to act on the message the anger has given you, without being consumed by it.

If you are able to speak to the person and explain calmly how what they said / did made you feel without being personal, then you may find a resolution to that particular issue.

If you are not able to speak to them (either because they are not here to talk to, or because you feel you can't). Using a 'giveaway' can help. This is where you write down everything that is making you angry, then give it away either by burning it or throwing it away. Don't read it back first because then you reabsorb all that energy. The important thing is that the anger has been expressed.

I would look at if someone is making you angry in the present, what memories that is triggering for you from your past? Who does it remind you of and what about that past relationship do you need to heal?

I also work with people's energy systems and either use EFT (emotional freedom technique) to help release the emotion, or find out where that anger is physically located in the body (where has it got stuck?) and then work on finding the correct channel for it to 'swoosh' through. Sounds a bit strange, but it is just stuck energy that needs to flow through the body.

Trying to view the person or thing that made you angry from a loving perspective and trying to understand their point of view can also help to disipate anger.

Drew's comment about working on your self esteem is really useful too. The higher your self esteem, the more easily you brush off things as not personal or not significant enough to be angry about. You are less likely to feel disrespected by someone if you have a high self worth.

[maryelyn]

you can't 'let go' until you fully realize that it's not about the other person at all - it's only ever about you. when you can forgive yourself, everything else just disappears...

[Love]

Thanks for the advice! This is definitely something I need to work on, and it feels great to have some input from others who have felt this too.

[venkks]

In my view Anger is an important emotion and is necessary to express it with the right tone, right time to the right person/group. The problem is always with the uncontrolled anger -- anger which causes you to loose control. I had significantly overcome this kind of Anger by practicising "Acceptance" on our current situation and taking responsibility for it instead of blaming others.

Another major cause of Anger is making Moralisitic judgements of people/situations. One has to realize that everyone has their own set of unique values and that need not always intersect with our values. Realizing this will allow one to be open to multiple perspectives and easily able to accomodate people with different values than our own

[Mr. Punch]

I recognise that the feeling of uselessness leads to anger, but how do you "work" on your self esteem?

[RT Wolf]

^ That's sorta tricky question because it's different for different people. In general, accomplishing something makes us feel better about ourselves.

Also, I've read that 80% of what most people say when they talk to themselves is negative, so getting rid of that negative voice may be a step for you.

Affirmations also work, as well as intentions. For example "I am a positive person making a great contribution to the world". Write it down. Writing things down triggers the consistancy and committment tendency in us and we're more likely to believe it and do actions that agree with that belief.

Listening to audio programs makes me feel better. Reminding yourself of your past achievments when you're feeling down also helps.

[Andrew Brunelle]

To let go is never easy. But it's a stepping stone to growth, I believe. Know that letting go is for a reason and do it for a specific one. Know that it's just a small part of your life and that over time, you will be over it. I know it's not easy, but neither is anything else worth working towards. Do something to take you mind off whatever it is you're obsessed with, like go for a walk, a bike ride, or even a "presence walk..." Steve talks about that in one of his blogs, listed here. I know it is good if I have some sort of nagging thought in my brain. Not only that, I feel it enhances my sensory perception tenfold. You finally see the beauty around you...etc.

[Love]

Hmm... I was curious about the self-esteem aspect, but then I started thinking about it. One of things I was refusing to let go was some comments my boss had made about me not "wanting my job enough" etc. or not "trying enough" or lacking this, etc. He gave me points on which to address. I was really angry about that, and every future comment he gave was viewed in the limelight of what he told me before. Now I realized that if I was really self-assured, then what he said the first time wouldn't have bugged me so much. I would have been able to take criticism. And then I would feel good about making progress and so I wouldn't continue to see his comments in limelight of the past and cause myself continual frustration. So yes, I can see the self-esteem plays a part in this. It would have never have occured to me before; I was so focused on him being wrong. Now I know that there's something else I can do: work on my self-esteem. Thanks to all who suggested it! And I actually did write down that I was proud of my self and all the things I had done... and I see that RT wolf advocates that also. I also see that thinking about why I love the things I do gives me greater self-esteem too. I haven't read that link to Steve's article yet, but I'll do that soon.
Thanks everyone. Cheers.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

I agree about your self-esteem. I'd recommend EFT on the anger, it can help you reveal the reasons behind it and usually drops the anger at the same time. My home page has a shortcut guide to EFT on it.