What is unconditional love?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I wanted to branch off from another post and start a discussion about unconditional love.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and what Dan.Linehan said in the above mentioned post got me thinking even more.

So what is unconditional love? Does it mean you stay in a marriage where your partner is cheating on you and says they no longer love you? That's just one example. I guess I am having a problem distinguishing unconditional love from letting someone trample all over you. Or would you be fine with their trampling because you love them unconditionally?

To start, I believe I can love someone unconditionally without condoning certain actions they may take toward me. I feel like if I am cheated on, I can still be happy and still love my partner, but I will no longer maintain a relationship with him.

What does everyone else think? It doesn't have to pertain to cheating, that's just an example I use because it relates to the thread that got me thinking about this as well as some other threads that have really made me consider my position on love in general.

[Angela]

I've said this before, but you can love unconditionally and still have a particular living situation be conditional.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I guess that's what I was trying to say (it just took me a lot more words).

You have told me that before. I guess it's something I need to really 'get' though because I keep bumping up against it.

Anyone else? Like I said, you can forget the context of cheating and just share your thoughts on unconditional love in general.

[Lallymac]

Unconditional love in the context of relationships is about taking responsibility for yourself, your choices and your actions. It's loving yourself and the people close to you. Being honest with yourself. We make choices to enter into relationships. If they don't work out for whatever reason, you can still love the person but choose to leave. Loving and leaving is better than staying and blaming and resenting.
Sometimes leaving is the best option when all other options have been explored and there is no resolution.
Lally

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lallymac

Loving and leaving is better than staying and blaming and resenting.

I agree. Thanks for your insight.

[Old Soul]

I think unconditional love shines best in situations that have conditions

often people mis understand unconditional love to mean........ you put up with being treated terribly not respected etc... that is NOT unconditional love at all IMHO

[Liara Covert]

Ther are lots of ways to look at this issue. It has cultural connotations and people all bring their own preconceptions and emotional baggage to it.

Consider the fabulous new film, "La Vie en Rose" (The Edith Piaf story). Her view of unconditional love and what behavior she justified in her life could be compared to the behavior of former French president Mitterand. Yet, their individual, romantic life choices and their views of acceptable love affairs would not necessarily be other people's choices. Some people ignore the strings attached. Other people would be offended at the mere thought.

[ZHereford]

To love unconditionally means to love and accept someone no matter what they are like or what they've done. It does not mean loving or accepting their actions or negative behaviors.

It means you will stand by, guide and help them in any way you can without condoning anything they've done.

[Chet]

To love others we must love ourselves, if a love relationship damages your own sense of dignity and selfworth (as cheating probably would) then you are better out of it. That doesn't meant you might not still love, just prefer to do it from a (safe) distance.
For me the worst would be the lie that cheating implies, perhaps an open relationship would be more suitable.

[Asmoday]

Unconditional love is an idea. Just that. An idea.

Even worse, it's an ideal.

The problem with ideals is that they never have, and never will, exist.

So you end up chasing and chasing, getting nowhere.

Ultimately, unconditional love is a form of altruism, which has been prooven not to exist.

At best, you can find really, really, really deep love, and do things to try to make it last.

It ain't pretty, it ain't sexy, but its the truth and the best we humans can do.

[Jayne]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

To love unconditionally means to love and accept someone no matter what they are like or what they've done. It does not mean loving or accepting their actions or negative behaviors.

It means you will stand by, guide and help them in any way you can without condoning anything they've done.

Very well said!

Sometimes unconditional love means tough love. You've heard my story - which is certainly one of unconditional love not only for my husband but for myself. I loved him enough to want him to be happy no matter what - even if it wasn't with me. I loved him enough to know that he had to make mistakes and fall in order to grow - and I let him make those mistakes. I also loved myself to know what I could and could not live with.

The day I asked him to leave, I said something like this:
I love you no matter what, and I want you to be happy. It is clear you are not happy here and I think it is time for you to change your physical environment so you can learn to find that happiness within yourself. As much as I love you, I love myself too. I have to honor myself, and at this point I have to move on so I can find happiness as well.

So no, loving unconditionally doesn't mean putting up with behavior that violates your values. Sometimes the best thing you can do to love someone unconditionally is to let them go. I've also done that with several friends over the years. It's tough to do but sometimes the best thing.

Great topic! Got my brain moving this morning.

[Asmoday]

Originally Posted by Jayne

So no, loving unconditionally doesn't mean putting up with behavior that violates your values.

Well...yeah...but having the requirement that your partner's behavior not violate your values is a condition. Hence, its conditional love, and all love is, to some degree, conditional on something.

Let go of the perfect hollywood paradigm on love and your relationships get a lot, lot better. I'm just saying....

[Chet]

Well said Asmoday. The problem with holywood is that silly 'happy ever after'. There is no such thing, it implies no more growth and that is the same as death.

[leshka]

There is no such thing as "unconditional love". Everything has a REASON. Even if you don't demand anything from your loved one you still want at least see him/her, hear his/her voice and so on and this is already a condition. If we remove all conditions completely there won't be anything left.. no love, no relationship, no desire, no emotion, no loved one..

"Unconditional love" is a subject for mental manipulations and that's it. Don't fall in that trap

[Jayne]

I've always defined unconditonal love as loving somebody no matter what they do. That doesn't mean I chose to keep them in my house or let their actions affect me, but that I can continue to love them regardless. I place conditions on what I'm willing to live with, but not on my love. So how is that being manipulative?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I'm enjoying reading everyone's replies. I really struggle in this area, so it's nice to hear what other people have experienced with unconditional love. I don't have a problem loving people unconditionally, I have the problem of not standing up for myself and blaming it on how much I love someone. Sometimes the cost/benefit analysis gets sidetracked by loving someone so much that you want to be with them and help them to your own detriment.

[leshka]

Jayne,

Are you sure that you will love somebody "no matter what they do"? Could you love someone who abuse you mentally or phisically? or for example a serial killer? Love disappears as soon as conditions on what you are willing to live with get violated. So as you named "conditions on what I'm willing to live with" is more superior than "unconditonal love".

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

She can still love someone and choose not to live with them because of the hurt it causes her. Loving someone doesn't mean you let them treat you like crap. I might love a serial killer, but I wouldn't invite them over for dinner. I might still love my parents if they beat me up, but I wouldn't willingly choose to remain under their care when I had another option.

[munish]

`As long as you belong to me I love you but the moment you don't I begin to hate you. - This is conditional love.

Sentimentality and emotionalism have nothing whatsoever to do with love.

When you exercise discipline and will to love, love goes out of the window. By practising some method or system of loving you may become extraordinarily clever or more kindly or get into a state of non-violence, but that has nothing whatsoever to do with love.

In this torn desert world there is no love because pleasure and desire play the greatest roles.

Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

munish - I think that speaks to the addictive quality of relationships that many people often equate with/mistake for love. Very true. The idea of belonging to another person is rife with opportunities for conditions and lovelessness (?).

[Angela]

I agree. Unconditional love equals Being Love, rather than "having" love.

If you are being love, then anyone else's actions have no effect on your love, and others' actions have no effect on who you are. You are you, and you are love, and that's how it is.

If you're having love, and you feel like you* can lose love or give love or get love, depending on what other people do, well, that's conditional love and you'll feel diminished or happy or fulfilled or heartbroken, depending on others' actions. And depending on what story you tell yourself about their actions. That seems less powerful to me than being love.

Either way, you still have standards and live in accordance with them. Maybe that means you can't live with a particular person, or condone his actions, or even have any contact in some cases. That doesn't mean you can't be love or have love for the person. Honoring your standards means being love for yourself!

*edited in "feel like you" because all that having and losing and giving and getting is an illusion.

[unique]

sometimes when u love someone unconditionally,u do end up taking crap from them.what u don't realise is that u r actually encouraging them to repeat it by accepting whatever they do by saying that U LOVE THEM uncondionationally.this is called self-abuse.

there is always a danger of letting people take u for granted coz "u love them no matter what.i personally think that people lack moral courage to stand up for themselves and let others abuse them by calling it unconditional love.love in any form cannot hurt anyobody.coz love is god and considered to be healing.

one of the reasons most people continue to be in an abusive relation is fear.i would say fear of the unknown.next would be dependancy factor & lack of courage.

loving others comes from loving ur self first.by letting urself be treated good not only by others but also by urself.how can u extend your love to others when u r in misery urself?we can still continue to live in the illusion that love is a feeling.whereas love is always a thoughful or a kind act towards the other.

[jasonivers]

Unconditional love means that you will continue that love regardless of happens, whether the actions of the target of your love, or your own, or those of a third party. NOTHING can cause you to stop loving that person.

That being said, you can love someone without condoning their actions, a la "love the sinner, hate the sin". You can even love someone you don't know. Granted, that's not what people usually think of when you say love, but it's no less true.

It's much easier to love unconditionally if you actually understand (not just "know" in your head) that everyone is connected, so that you realize that you're just loving another part of "your" whole. It makes it much easier to simply let go of their actions, their "what", and concentrate on their "who"... which is really the only thing you can love, anyway.

Here's my expanded writing on this subject.

[Matthew Shea]

Originally Posted by Asmoday

Well...yeah...but having the requirement that your partner's behavior not violate your values is a condition. Hence, its conditional love, and all love is, to some degree, conditional on something.

Let go of the perfect hollywood paradigm on love and your relationships get a lot, lot better. I'm just saying....

You miss the point, Asmoday. If your partner's actions violate the trust inherent in a good relationship, your love for your partner doesn't necessarily disappear. Your love for that person and for yourself might dictate that you need to end or fundamentally alter your relationship with them, but the love doesn't go away.

I think of unconditional love as something that should be the basis for all one's actions. It requires you to look at the whole picture and to take the action that's in everyone's best interest, no matter what the situation. Sometimes the decision may be a clear matter of right vs. wrong, like if you're considering stealing something you can't afford. Sometimes it might be much more fuzzy, like a poor mother in a bad relationship finding herself pregnant again. But if your intentions are pure and your actions result from a sense of love for everyone involved, then you have unconditional love.