What is unconditional love?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I can't imagine. I am so sorry you lost your dad at a young age. Even as an adult losing my grandmother had a tremendous effect on me.

You know the event that has been affecting you. I would point you in Angela's direction. It was her coaching that has helped me to uncover and dismantle a lot of things from my own past and break through them.

I am more than happy to converse with you too, I just don't know if I have the experience to give the best advice or help.

Whatever you decide I am sending you lots of love and prayers.

[Spirittap]

((((Maguru))))

Love

[Maguru]

I am so afraid to speak all my truth. Just reading your post I jumped on to 'you don't know if you can help me." At least that is what I felt. I felt like running a thousand miles away from this percieved rejection, and perceived lack of emotional connection.

Fight or flight. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of running. I'm so tired of wanting to be understood and accepted for who I am.

I was never allowed to be a child again from aged 11. I know my inner child is in so much pain wanting her daddy to love her and make her feel safe and take care of her like he used to....

I have never revealed this in public before. People think you're crazy when they don't understand. I had a lot of that too. Even my own adult children believed my pain was 'craziness' and said my suicide attempts were 'just a cry for attention. Dismissed. Dismissed. Dismissed.

I am emotionally pared down to the bone. I feel at the core of me I haven't wanted to live since I was 11, and I haven't. Not for me, anyway.

It isn't about making a life for me now. I want the life I should have had, could have had, deserved to have. I want to have my babies with a man who loves me and his children as they deserved. It was so hard.

He hurt us all so badly. He split me from my children. I fought hard to get them back. Many years of turning myself inside out to find what I had done wrong. Why was this happening? I didn't understand my children's treatment of me. I loved them so much.

I was 16 when my first child was born. I sacrificed my life to take respnsibilty for my children, and my mother, and my siblings. We all fell hard with the death of my father.

It has taken 5 long years to bring out the whole truth of my children's relationship with their father. !6 yrs after I left him and I finally got all the secrets they had been hiding. My eldest girl had been systematically sexually abused by my husband for years.

All the skeletons began coming out of the closet. It broke me to little pieces for the third time in my life but never before the devastation this caused me.

My family in tatters again but even worse!. I worked so hard to rebuild my family by walking in my fathers' footsteps. He was the only role model I could accept. I failed.

My eldest daughter has had bulemia since 16 and is only now able to let go. She has come a long way since she was able to speak and be heard.
My only son is very affected by the lack of love from his father. It still happens today. He favours his stepson over his own.

My youngest daughter followed in my footsteps and had one hell of a breakdown where she almost lost the plot. Here goes. I'm crying again. My babies.
My middle daughter has been the rock. She too has had problems but she was the only one of the four who did not even want a close relationship with her dad. It was her saving grace and ours. She is one independent lady.

I've stayed strong to help my children and I have vowed he will never come between us again but it isn't over. I still have to fight him to save my relaionship with my children. this is an example :
He received some hate mail a few weeks ago and promptly sent my children a copy. All hell broke loose again.

It was just before my birthday (27. jan 08) and I had not celebrated a birthday, not mine and not theirs for years. I had not seen my son for five years until just before xmas. This is the power of my x husbands manipulation and mental abuse. My son was so pulled into his **** that he wasn't going to come.

I was gutted. I had only just got him back, and my two grandaughters. I wanted, nay needed, some happy memories. I wasn't about to let him do it again. This is the power of a mother's love. I sent it out to my four children with a force that he could not penetrate. We had the most wonderful celebration with the atmosphere so filled with love, you could cut it with a knife.

I won this particular battle but there is still a war going on. This war is the only thing that is keeping me alive. I will not desert my children til the day I die, just like my dad. Blessing to you all. Thankyou so much. I'm crying again.

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I can't imagine. I am so sorry you lost your dad at a young age. Even as an adult losing my grandmother had a tremendous effect on me.

You know the event that has been affecting you. I would point you in Angela's direction. It was her coaching that has helped me to uncover and dismantle a lot of things from my own past and break through them.

I am more than happy to converse with you too, I just don't know if I have the experience to give the best advice or help.

Whatever you decide I am sending you lots of love and prayers.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am sorry you felt rejected. I don't intend to reject you, but I will say that I don't have the expertise or the training to deal with something of this magnitude. I am a 27 year old who's biggest pain is dealing with a breakup from the man I love, the loss of my grandmother and the stress of moving. Like I said, I am here as a listening ear or someone to talk to. I do send you lots of love.

Is there something in particular that I could do to help?

[Maguru]

No it wasn't you. It was me. My fears of rejection. You told me the truth and what more could anyone ask?
You have helped me enormously. Writing that post was so difficult but I feel less burdened with my loss because I finally could speak. I'm moving on. Thankyou.
I wouldn't have had I known your age You don't need this in your life.
I just hope it helps others to take more care of themselves and be vigilant with the children's hearts. They are so fragile. regards

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I am sorry you felt rejected. I don't intend to reject you, but I will say that I don't have the expertise or the training to deal with something of this magnitude. I am a 27 year old who's biggest pain is dealing with a breakup from the man I love, the loss of my grandmother and the stress of moving. Like I said, I am here as a listening ear or someone to talk to. I do send you lots of love.

Is there something in particular that I could do to help?

[bellemeadows]

What helped me most was Gary Renard's The Disappearance of the Universe, and ACIM.

When I was nine my father and brother died in a boating accident. My mother told me my brother's death was my fault -- she'd had a premonition to hold him back from going to the beach, but was afraid to drive with he and I both in the car (we played too much, which distracted her and made her feel unsafe driving) so he went, and died. It was a lie, but at nine one has no filter, no ability to say NO, I'm not a murderer.

Part of me decided then that life was not worth living; and I'm still dealing with the after effects at 52 years. I loved my brother more than anyone, and to lose him, and then to learn that my mother believed it was my fault; well in a way it broke my heart and my spirit.

I have to work on forgiveness, love and compassion for myself, every day. And for others as well.

I pray for grace for you; grace to find the love and compassion, and let go all else. . . . love and compassion for yourself first, and for others as well.

Hold to the love; that is real.

And if there are any tips out there for helping; please share. I've come to realize that I'll never be like others -- the PTSD is something I've lived with forever. But there have been blessings -- I think our greatest trials always have many gifts.

May you find the blessings, may we all find the blessings, and live our lives with grace and compassion. All we have is this moment, and I vow to address this moment as best I can. With love and compassion (especially for myself, because if I can't be compassionate with myself, I don't have it to give to others), and let go of the rest.

Unconditional love, for me, means finding that little girl inside, who is still grieving over the loss and abandonment; forgiving the losses and the betrayals, and loving her in the here and now.

Blessings from Belle,

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Maguru

No it wasn't you. It was me. My fears of rejection. You told me the truth and what more could anyone ask?
You have helped me enormously. Writing that post was so difficult but I feel less burdened with my loss because I finally could speak. I'm moving on. Thankyou.
I wouldn't have had I known your age You don't need this in your life.
I just hope it helps others to take more care of themselves and be vigilant with the children's hearts. They are so fragile. regards

I am glad that getting it out there was a good first step for you. You know what I am pretty sure age is really irrelevant and I am not sure why I put that there. I guess I just felt overwhelmed and very sad that you had such experiences. I tend to take other's pain like it was my own and I wish so much to be able to fix it. But it is something only you can do.

I will still gladly be here if you want someone to talk to.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by bellemeadows

Unconditional love, for me, means finding that little girl inside, who is still grieving over the loss and abandonment; forgiving the losses and the betrayals, and loving her in the here and now.

What a thing to happen to a child. I hope that more parents will see how much they can effect their children.

I like your idea of loving and forgiving that little child that is scared and living in a past decision.

Love and healing to you as well.

[honeybee]

I think this latest discussion highlights one aspect of love very well, and that is, the topic of personal boundaries.

I think personal emotional/physical/mental boundaries are key in being able to love and be loved in a healthy way, and it is when these boundaries are crossed or surrendered (or we are too young to have them yet) that hurt and pain are felt.
I know, from my own personal experience, that many of the times that I have loved in a way that I thought was unconditional, I was also volunteering up myself in a way that lacked boundaries.

Is it possible to provide and/or receive unconditional love without surrendering our own healthy sense of boundaries? Or does unconditional love inherently require you to surrender your boundaries in the interest of loving the other?

[Maguru]

What a long and difficult road you chose. I feel for you. Your heart must have broken as mind did. It never gos away, does it? I felt responsible also. And yes too to part of me dying there and then. It changed who I was forever. My child was buried so deep.
I never had the chance to live my dreams. I went from child to adult overnight. I was smoking, drinking and had lost my virginity at 13yrs. God I cry over that loss of my childhood. I had no idea what I was doing.
I cannot change my perception of the past. I no-one to blame in order to practise forgiveness. I have no-one to forgive.

My way through has been understanding which, in a way brings me the relief of forgiveness. I believe we are doing what we ought to be doing. We are exposing the lifetimes' suffering created in childhood through adults unawareness. All suffering is crucial to our evolution. I intend to have my suffering heard for the sake of the children. I hear yours, my friend and it will be passed on. Warmest regards.

Originally Posted by bellemeadows

What helped me most was Gary Renard's The Disappearance of the Universe, and ACIM.

When I was nine my father and brother died in a boating accident. My mother told me my brother's death was my fault -- she'd had a premonition to hold him back from going to the beach, but was afraid to drive with he and I both in the car (we played too much, which distracted her and made her feel unsafe driving) so he went, and died. It was a lie, but at nine one has no filter, no ability to say NO, I'm not a murderer.

Part of me decided then that life was not worth living; and I'm still dealing with the after effects at 52 years. I loved my brother more than anyone, and to lose him, and then to learn that my mother believed it was my fault; well in a way it broke my heart and my spirit.

I have to work on forgiveness, love and compassion for myself, every day. And for others as well.

I pray for grace for you; grace to find the love and compassion, and let go all else. . . . love and compassion for yourself first, and for others as well.

Hold to the love; that is real.

And if there are any tips out there for helping; please share. I've come to realize that I'll never be like others -- the PTSD is something I've lived with forever. But there have been blessings -- I think our greatest trials always have many gifts.

May you find the blessings, may we all find the blessings, and live our lives with grace and compassion. All we have is this moment, and I vow to address this moment as best I can. With love and compassion (especially for myself, because if I can't be compassionate with myself, I don't have it to give to others), and let go of the rest.

Unconditional love, for me, means finding that little girl inside, who is still grieving over the loss and abandonment; forgiving the losses and the betrayals, and loving her in the here and now.

Blessings from Belle,

[Maguru]

"I hope that more parents will see how much they can effect their children."


I do hope so too. We can no longer accept children as less than equals.