being bullied

[chas]

I was stumped by the situation I found myself in this evening. The last time I encountered a bully was twenty odd years ago at school.

The years came flooding back, changing in the gym this evening, a thug said to me, while pointing two fingers towards his eyes, using the sign language to back up what he was about to say, which was "what are you looking round for, are you gay? I replied that I was bisexual. Then I posed the question to him and I qualified it, with the fact that he was also looking round. The answer from this yob was " No ************ing way am I gay". Without any further breath for fresh air, he then went on to say "you better not be looking at me" .

At that point I was not going to antagonise him further and get embroiled in something that I might later regret. Besides I was now lost for words and not seeing an outcome, I just did not respond. I could visualise him and his alliances waiting for me outside the gym and I did not know what I would be taking on.

The question to you is, did I give in to the bully on the 'play ground'? And was it any of his business where I was looking, even if it did include him? He seemed to be doing as much looking around the place, so is it just a case of whats good for the goose is not good for the gander. Well then, am I the gander, which i should just accept. The frustration of not dealing with this conflict and having the last word, was probably because i did not want to be the 'bloodied playground warrior' and that I did not know how to proceed in this conflict situation. I also ask myself why I am always the loser. If I was looking at him, well then I ask myself, did he have the right to deal with the threat he was facing, in which case he was not the bully. I have so many unanswered questions and being a little compulsive over something like this, it goes through my mind incessently, with my head turning like a tumble dryer on high spin.

I suppose if I felt that I had won this battle, it would have all sunk away as fast as it happened.

Your thoughts on the above would be interesting.

Thanks
Charlie

[Shamou]

If we are to be honest about this… there is probably not a person in the world who has not been confronted with a situation that left us with two choices, 1) fight, and take the resulting consequences … or 2) walk away… and have that feeling that we may have chickened out…

It is a “lose, lose” situation… and no way that we can win…

So, if there is no way that we can win… the only thing left to do is to try to forget about it asap…

Life is not always fair… anyone ever told you that…???

Cheer up… the sun will still rise tomorrow…

.

[dnadadur]

Hi Charlie,

Is it possible that he reacted that way because he felt you caught him looking around? Is it possible that he was just projecting his own inner fears about his own sexuality on to you and was trying to protect himself from his own fears? It is very possible.

By walking away from the situation you made him powerless. You did the best under the circumstances. You probably left him dumbfounded since you did not respond to him further. That way you won the argument.

My son's karate teacher always tells the kids, "A best fight is a fight that is never fought. If you can walk away, then just walk away. If you are cornered, first chance you get run as fast as you can, because in a fight no one really wins." Is this being weak? No, it is just being smart. Life is too precious to waste in fighting and arguing.

Why make yourself a victim in your own mind and give power to others? Just drop the past and move forward. Life is too precious to keep thinking about the past.

Bullies live in fear of this or that. To cover up their inferiority complex, they act aggressively. Just by thinking about them and their behavior toward you, you are giving them value and power in your own mind and weakening yourself. My suggestion to you is to consciously drop whatever happened and move forward.

I hope this helps.

Thanks,
-Desika

[Shamou]

Fantastic post and very well said Desika...

And, since this is your first post, I would like to extend a very warm welcome to you...

Hope that you like it here and that we get to share, learn and grow together...

I'll be looking forward to reading all your posts...

.

[Uplift]

Gidday Chas, I kind of agree with Shamou. You say:

'The years came flooding back'

and later in your post:

'I also ask myself why I am always the loser. If I was looking at him, well then I ask myself, did he have the right to deal with the threat he was facing, in which case he was not the bully. I have so many unanswered questions and being a little compulsive over something like this, it goes through my mind incessently, with my head turning like a tumble dryer on high spin.

I suppose if I felt that I had won this battle, it would have all sunk away as fast as it happened.'

What happened to you as a kid was obviously serious enough to have had a lasting impression. As kids, (especially without good help or guidance) we can form solutions and adopt beliefs, consciously and unconsciously, regarding serious incidents that work ingeniously well to keep us safe at the time. However, the ingenious solutions that little kids come up with to keep safe, and that were applicable at the time, don't always work well or apply for adults, in adult situations.

If you believe in 'the law of attraction', or that your thoughts create, or that your thoughts shape, or influence your life, then holding deep beliefs about yourself as 'always the loser' etc aren't much use, unless you enjoy experiencing and creating a life along those lines.

The deluxe side is, that you have had a situation arise that highlights something that you would like to, and can change. Rather than your thoughts, 'going through my mind incessently, with my head turning like a tumble dryer on high spin', and controlling you, you can take responsibility for them, and choose to control them and work on thinking things that are more valuable to you. For instance, you could notice the thoughts arising, accept and realise that you are generating them, and that it takes power to do so, (you), and decide to use your power to generate new, pleasureable thoughts. Maybe you could think how well you did to actually deal with the situation and walk away with both yourself and the other guy unscathed. Or you could remind yourself that a situation like that once in twenty years reflects pretty well on you.

I tend to think that self esteem work is at the crux of a lot of things. For me, to label yourself in writing the way you have, says that your self esteem could be better, and might have taken a dent as a kid being bullied. Maybe the dent was never repaired, or maybe something else added to it, or something entirely unrelated may have caused you to think of yourself as losing. Improving your self esteem would have a flow on effect in every area of your life. There's literally tons of ways, and tons of great books and teachers that are available to improve your self esteem. One of them will appeal to you. One technique that I like is that approach in a thread 'The Magic Pill' on this site. It is so simple and direct, and seemingly effortless, like a lot of profound or ingenious things. You'll find something if you want, where's there's a will there's a way!

So, like Shamou, I agree, it's up to you to choose how to react to the bully. Bullying isn't good, and I am genuinely sorry that you were in that situation, but choosing to be affected in a good way that empowers you can have amasing results. I believe that you'll have the full weight of 'The Universe', Spirit, God, Yourself, whatever you call it, behind you. All the best!

[dnadadur]

Hi Shmou, thank you very much for your warm welcome. I appreciate it a lot.

Hi Uplift, I agree with you on everything you said. I want to elaborate more on the 'law of attraction' you mentioned. It works, but it works even better if one shifts their inner reality to match the wishes they want. If they don't shift their awareness to match the energy of their wishes, it will just become wishful thinking.

Hi Charlie, I would like to further add to what I said before taking an example from my own life. As you may have guessed I am from India (and I am a Hindu, it is probably relevant to the story I am about to tell you). Since I moved to the USA in 1991, everything was great until the 9/11. After that great calamity, I felt that people's true colors came out, at least some people's anyway. I was discriminated (you can imagine a tall, brown, handsome guy, with emphasis on brown :-) ), but not too badly. I would just get doubtful stares. If I traveled by air, the flight attendants wouldn't treat me well. I started to really hate the air travel because of the expected bad treatment. In a while even the people who worked in the local supermarket started giving me doubtful looks. Suddenly, one day it dawned me. I had been blaming everybody mistreating me, but what about my thinking process. I constantly kept thinking that someone was discriminating me. May be I am just projecting my own inner reality on to others and then interpreting their looking at me to be doubtful of my motives. I decided to experiment. On my next travel, I decided not to judge anybody as being bad to me. I decided that I am just going to be myself and not be uncomfortable around anybody, and not interpret anybody's gaze or speech or anything else towards me in anyway. I went with a mindset I had prior to 9/11. Things went smoothly. Flight attendants were very nice to me. I attracted a few very nice people around me who I chatted with on the journey. So, what made my experiences bad? Reading in papers or seeing on TV that innocent people were discriminated in the airports possibly had a subconscious effect on me. And, interpreted others through those thought patterns. But, as soon as I consciously dropped those thought patterns and shifted my inner reality, my outer reality fell into place. As inside, so outside. Now I even have a nice beard now. :-)

I hope that it is not too presumptuous of me, if I gave links to a couple of articles on Fear and Attraction that I wrote. See if they give you any information you need.
Fear | I am My Own Master - Desika Nadadur . com
Ways to Attract Abundance and Whatever You Want into Your Life | I am My Own Master - Desika Nadadur . com

Thanks,
Desika

[chas]

Well thank you to everybody who put positive thought into the article. I must agree that such a situation using retaliation is a no win situation. For the simple reason that even if you are a victim of bullying and come out of a fight with the upper hand, the bully still wins,. He will be quick to come back, as they always are, either for revenge or throw a punch in the form of a charge of common assault and suddenly turning the tied round; from being the agressor into being the poor victim. Besides with a professional career, being embroiled in such an encounter would not do me any favours.

[Matthew Shea]

A gay friend of mine told me that's it's always the hardcore homophobes who are doing it "on the down-low." Thinking about it more, he's probably right. There's certainly enough anecdotal evidence in the news to back him up, like the preacher caught with a male prostitute recently. This bully is probably very concerned that he has gay tendencies himself and, to hide his insecurity on the matter, he lashes out at others. In my opinion, you can't win with people like this. You just have to ignore them and go about your life being grateful that you don't have that same sort of baggage to carry around. I'd just make it a point to avoid any confrontation with him and go about your business.

[Old Soul]

Do you honestly believe that anything you could have said , would have made a difference in a situation like this? lets look at his responses

his feeling threatened by your sexaulity is his* problem not yours and he tipped his hand the moment he said to you "No******* way am I gay"

1) not once in your conversing with this man did you imply that he was gay, so why did he need to redeem his standing in the first place.... because he is the one with the insecurity not you

like all Bully's they are very insecure inside.... the outer shell is the protection albeit transparent as hell, and sad really..

My father in law is a bully, we all have to deal with bully's on the playground,
and I also think knowing this puts us in a position of responsibility to them, how we handle them can defuse or fuel an opportunity , personally through experience I have learned how to deal with my own FIL.... and once they gain your respect, you have a friend in deed...TODAY .my FIL would not consider talking to me the way he did , hehehe!!

Speaking of Playgrounds.... I think you did just fine!! feather in your cap


My son while on the playground
surrounded by all your friends
Play fair and share the ball..
Then tomorrow do it again...
Let your teacher help you to listen
let your teacher help you to learn
respected with a contrite heart
even if the voice is stern

[febflake]

Bullies live in fear of this or that. To cover up their inferiority complex, they act aggressively.

Hmm. I believe it's more likely they act aggressively because of a superiority complex, not the other way around.

Thinking THEY have an inferiority complex just cheer up the bullied :/ .. it's not necessarily a clear reading of the situation and how people perceive it.

We take what is given.

[Matthew Shea]

I'm not sure I agree, febflake. Those with a superiority complex don't act agressively, at least not in a physical way. They'll proselytize 'till they're blue in the face because they're SOOOO convinced that you're wrong and they're determined to make you see the light. Superiority means that a person sees himself as being above someone else's level and violence, we'll all agree, whether it's real, threatened or merely implied, is at one of the lowest possible levels.

Insecurity is what causes people to lash out. It's a fear reaction based on a strong desire to remove oneself from a threatening situation. Those who are secure in themselves, including those who think they're all that and a bag of Doritos (superiority complex), aren't threatened by others who are different, although they may want to change them.

[febflake]

I don't agree with your logic regarding this matter here.

The 'bullie' here didn't act in any physical way (but clearly threatened to) so it still can be a superiority complex. Inferiority and superiority complex may tend to come hand in hand, especially with something as complex and variable as a human mind but being insecure and having an inferiority complex aren't the same thing.

What concerns me the most beyond the psychological analyses and interpretations of the event is:
In the end, who came out of the confrontation more insecure than before ?
Even if the bullie's action came from an inferiority complex.. what is keeping him from gaining confidence in bullying others now that he saw it's working ?

Ultimately I believe he met an idiot, not necessarily someone burdened with a neurosis ; I do not believe for a second he met someone who thought of himself as inferior as the original poster (and that is a main characteristic of the inferiority complex).

As you see I have no tangible evidences for my superiority complex theory : )

[fawn]

Chas,
It bugs me when people call themselves losers. You are good at grammar and you have joined a site with the intention of improving yourself, you obviouly haven't given up on yourself. Would you call yourslef a loser? I wouldn't, I barely know you, I'd call you articulate. Tell me what would you call youself now?

[John Hill]

Chas,

I think you did the right thing by not saying anymore than you did. Whatever else you could have said would not have helped you or the situation any further.

This guy could be aggressive like this to everybody who looks at him, although he is probably a homophobe. I live in Thailand where there are more ladyboys and gay people than any where else on the planet and every now and then you see homophobics getting all upset over nothing when a ladyboy looks at them. regular non homophobic people make no reaction. But who really cares, it's just one of those things that happened that you don't need to worry or think about.

The fact that you have taken the time to write a detailed account of the incident on this forum means it must have really gotten to you. I'd suggest letting this incident go all together, by holding onto it you are looking for answers that just aren't there. I find when I simply make a point to stop thinking sometimes I start to feel better about other people or incidents immediately.

John

[dnadadur]

Hi Febflake,

I was the one who wrote about the inferiority complex.

I agree with Matthew Shea on this one.

I think that a person who suffers from "inferiority complex" (or superiority complex for that matter) is really aware of it. A person with inferiority complex is probably afraid that somebody would label him in some way he does not approve of, and would like to protect himself. Lashing out at others is a kind of preemptive defensive mechanism.

A person with superiority complex would feel pity for others that they are all wrong and he is the only correct one and would like to save others.

However, both categories of people are not aware that they are really feeling inferior or superior to others, because they believe in their convictions. If they are really aware of themselves and their feelings, they would already be seeking out help to attain some inner balance in some way rather than attacking or preaching to others.

Regards,
Desika