Painful feelings about a death.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hi friends. I am here for a little advice about the death of my grandmother. She passed away about 3 months ago. Any of you who have been following my threads at all know that I've been pretty preoccupied with my relationship drama for at least that long. It was hard at the time, but I also had so many things going on that I think I was at least a little distracted...essentially I was able to kind of pretend the death didn't have as big of an impact on me as it did. I simply focused my attention on the drama going on with my ex. When I look back on it, much of the emotional stuff I was putting on the relationship may really have been about this loss. I lost two very important things at the same time. He broke up with me a week after the funeral. I think it would have happened sooner if my grandmother wasn't sick...meaning I think he felt guilty and stuck around to be with me through that. My grandmother was the only person in my life who I never doubted. She was always encouraging and always loving. She only had one child, my mom, and two grandchildren, my brother and me, so we were very close. She was an extraordinary woman with great stories and a generous heart.

For the last couple of years of her life, she lived in a nursing home by choice. She was a tough old bird who didn't want to intrude on our lives, even though we practically begged her to move in with my parents. I always worried about how she was being treated. I went to see her as often as I could, usually twice a week. My boyfriend and I were living in her house to kind of keep up with the place until we knew exactly what she would do. We didn't want to just sell the house because of all of the memories. I still live there, but now I live there alone. I am surrounded by a lot of my grandmother's stuff which I try to go through a little at a time. I always find neat quotes on scraps of paper and so many articles she clipped from newspapers and magazines over the years. She was definitely a pack rat! I even found a copy of Think and Grow Rich -- soon after I read about it on this site.

Last night I was settling in to go to sleep. I was already in bed with the lights out when suddenly I shot up in bed and just started sobbing. I couldn't breathe. I was gasping for air and talking to my grandmother at the same time. I was seeing flashes of memories of us in the house and out playing miniature golf or at the zoo. She always took us places on the bus.

I was with her when she died which I am thankful for. I didn't want her to be alone. My parents were there and my brother who lives in another state was able to fly in...really just in time because he got to spend her last lucid day with her. On her final day, she seemed to be in a lot of pain. She was moaning, but she couldn't speak. We took turns sitting with her and talking to her, but I don't know if she even knew we were there. I get so sad thinking of her not knowing we were there. I was holding her hand when she died. She knew she was going to die and she'd made her peace with it. We all pretty much got to say our goodbyes, etc. I know I am lucky to have had that which many people don't get.

Still somehow I am struggling right now. Maybe everything was suppressed because of all of the distractions in my life and I am just now beginning to grieve. I could use whatever advice you might have. I feel like there is more I want to say, but I don't know what right now. Thanks for listening.

Edit: Also, I feel very guilty because it's kind of freeing not worrying about her constantly and whether she's ok. I haven't even gone to her grave once (though I know she's not there). Somehow I just feel badly that I sort of just went about my life.

[Matthew Shea]

Regarding your last statement, I'd suggest you take those very same feelings of guilt and think of them just a bit differently. Think: "I'm so happy for her sake that she's not suffering anymore and that I no longer have to worry. I know she's OK now."

In general, it seems like you're spot on when you say that you're just now beginning to grieve. Having a bunch of drama happening in your life can do that to you. The hurt will pass, though, and as time moves on, you'll forget the pain and start to focus on all the fond memories. Don't be afraid to grieve, though. Feel these emotions in their entirety and let them remind you of life's preciousness. If you try to tuck away the feelings of grief any longer, it'll just delay the entire process and it'll take forever to get closure.

God bless you and your grandmother. My condolences on your loss.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Matthew Shea

God bless you and your grandmother. My condolences on your loss.

Thank you Matthew Shea. I appreciate your kind words.

[ZHereford]

I'm sorry for your loss Aspiring.

Your grandmother was such a big part of your life now that she's gone it's no wonder you miss her. It's probably all just hit you at once.

I'm sure your grandmother knew how much you loved her and I'm sure she would want you to go about your life and think about her in only the most pleasant ways.
As far as going to her grave site - you're right she's not there, she's in your heart and your thoughts where she belongs. The fact that you're so concerned about her even now, says a lot about what kind of granddaughter you've been.

Aspiring your grandmother is still with you but in a different way. You can still talk to her with your thoughts and your heart.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Z. As always you've been very comforting. I wanted to tell you how much peace I feel in your posts. They are always like a gentle breeze.

In my mind, I know that she is with me and I believe that she did know my feelings (of course I told her all the time how much I love her). I guess it did just hit me so hard because I didn't properly deal with it yet.

[ZHereford]

Thank you so much Aspiring, I really appreciate that!

[SilverLining]

Hi Aspiring,

I've only just discovered these forums (wow - what a great community you've got here!) and would probably remain a lurker for a bit while I checked it all out, except your post rang a chord with me, and while you don't know me (yet) I still wondered if I could help.

One of my closest friends died early last year, and while the circumstances were quite different to yours, and while each grief is completely unique, your story still sounds familiar to me.

If I can offer just one piece of advice it's to be gentle with yourself. Whatever you are feeling at any time is ok. If you feel happy and are going on with your life, then that's ok. If you feel overwhelmed with sadness, that's ok too. Just keep on showing love to yourself no matter how you feel.

Grief for me seems to come and go in waves between periods of feeling ok, though each wave is smaller. Something that has helped a lot has been to focus on how I want to feel when I remember my friend, which is happy and smiling and laughing. I don't always feel that way, but keeping it in mind I feel like that more and more often, and get closer to just being able to remember him and feel great.

It has also helped for me to let go of who he was so that I can let in who he is now. Like Z said, your grandmother is still with you, just in a different way.

And during times when it really hurts, just remember that how much it hurts is directly related to how great it was having her in your life, and so the pain shows just how truly blessed you are to have loved her and be loved by her. I know that may seem a little back to front, but looking for the positive has helped me a lot (hence the name! ) And of course when you're feeling happy you can bet she's there smiling with you.

Much love to you and your family.

[Old Soul]

Oh, I am sorry for your loss.... God bless you and keep you and your grandmother close and comforted.... I know losing loved ones is hard... but time does help heal... may your memories be a blessing in the times to come

[inova]

Hi Aspiring

I don't really know your story though I believe that she will be pretty worried about you if you keep blaming yourself.

I don't know your grandma but still If I were her, I would want my beloved grandson to live at his fullest.

What do you think?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

@SilverLining - Welcome to the forums and thanks for your words of encouragement in your first post. I am very sorry to hear about your friend. I have those waves of grief as well. Some days I feel ok and others I feel lost in despair. I will remember your kind words. They've helped me a lot.

@Old Soul - Thank you very much.

@inova - I believe you are right...she would want me to have a full and happy life. Thanks.

[Jayne]

Aspiring, I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with what has been said - your life has finally settled to the point of being able to grieve. When my Stepdad died (he was my Daddy, and very close to me), I cried the first night, then the project manager in me kicked in and I focused on helping my mother through the funeral. Several weeks later I started making a scrapbook as a tribute to him, and that's when the emotion started flowing. If I was working on a page and the emotion hit, I just let it keep coming. I embraced the grief.

It's hard to know what to do. After my grandmother died and they were dividing up her things, I received the most important thing to me which is her box of costume jewelry. I used to play with that jewelry when I was a child. On occasion, I pull out that box and look at each piece - remembering times she wore it, thinking about the person she was. It's my way of connecting with her memory.

The only advice I can think to give is embrace your grief. You have suffered a terrible loss. Just let what you are feeling, and whatever happens be okay. Grieve as much as you need to, and for as long as you need to. In time the grief will give way to peace, and finally happy memories.

I know your grandmother is with you and is proud of you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thank you Jayne for sharing your story. I tend to be an over-thinker (to put it mildly). Going back and questioning the moment of her death and whether she was aware that we were with her, whether she was scared has been the hardest part. In a way, it doesn't matter now, because that's past. She isn't scared now and no longer has to cope with pain.

I felt so sad for her because she lost her brother (83) and her sister (76) two days apart. She died 20 days later. She was her sister's guardian because her sister was mentally ill. I think my grandma was ready to die sooner (she was 85 and had a long, tough life - she said she was tired) but she was sticking around for her sister. She said she could go now because she wasn't worried about her sister anymore. She was a really amazing woman who lived on her own after my grandfather died for 20 years and just did everything herself...very independent and strong.

I guess I am just writing all of that more for myself. It's nice to share some things about her with other people. Thanks for listening.

[SilverLining]

Thanks Aspiring for your welcome. Time really does help.

Your grandmother sounds like an amazing person. It's lovely to hear about her, and great that you feel like sharing her memory.

I have no way of knowing what happens after someone dies, but I really believe in my heart it's something great. I've heard stories from people that have had an experience where they've died and come back, and they have said that it's beautiful.

I also believe that those that go before us will be there for us when it's our turn. So your grandmother would've had her brother and sister and grandfather and all the other people that loved her right there with her, just like you were, so I'm sure she wasn't scared.

Wherever she is right now, she loves you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks again for your kind words, SilverLining. It's nice to have people to lift me up right now. All my best.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Really old thread, but today would have been my grandma's 86th birthday. I miss you and love you grandma! Hope you're having fun out there!

[Lola]

{{{{{{{{{{{{big Hugs And Lots Of Them}}}}}}}}}}}}}}