not knowing how to take a joke

[introspective1]

I figured out that one of things that makes it hard for me to accept myself is that I don't know how to take a joke. Today, a friend, who often teases me about my minor weight gain, was telling me that i look pregnant. I told him that I would get up and leave if he said something like that again. He said "Oh don't be so sensitive"....and this comes from a friend who has known me for a very long time and knows the types of things I don't like to be teased about. I don't know if I am just blowing things out of proportion by expecting my friend to respect my sensitivity or if I should just put up with it and accept his jokes. Often times, people will make sarcastic remarks or jokes about me and I just laugh although it hurts my feelings deep inside, but I dont say anything cause if I appear overly sensitive, then I feel people won't want to be my friend and I already have trouble making friends because I am an introvert. Over the years my friend and I have fought alot because I take his jokes personally, for some reason. I have been "touchy" like this my whole life. I want to figure out how to get thicker skin cause this problem ruins my quality of life and makes me feel abnormal.

HELP!

[Shamou]

By it's very nature, humor is cruel... if you study any joke, you will see the underlying cruelty attached to it... except in very rare cases...

Now, if humor is cruel... it is a bit like boxing and wrestling... a give and take sport... so, when someone teases you, you have three options:

1. You can strike back and get some satisfaction in your quick repartee and superior intelligence ...

2. You can take the condescending attitude (my favorite) and give the person that look that says, "I so happy that I'm not as dumb as you."

3. You can be hurt and resentful... bad choice...

Always remember that not everyone was born with the gift of intelligence... and just thank God that you were not one of them...

Best of luck to you...

.

[Blueskied]

Ouch, i used to hate it when someone made the "when is your kid coming" joke to me (i am over-weight). Now it does not bother me anymore, don't know why. Maybe i heard it too often?

[Old Soul]

Personally I think if you have let the person know that you do not find his/her coments funny about a particular topic and they continue to do this, regardless of your request

then it is not funny, and he or she is not respecting your wishes

[Minishark]

This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer says that if somebody makes fun of you, you should just say, "Oh yeah? Well I slept with your wife!".

[RT Wolf]

I have been in the same position as you and looking back on it I can tell you waht sorts of changes I made:

1. Don't feel like you have not choice but to accept his jokes. You always have a choice. There are pletny of people out there who will take you on as a friend. You might have to push out of your comfort zone to find htem, but most people really, really, really friendly, much like you probably are.
2. I've found that 9.5 times out of 10, when someone "can't take a joke", the jokes are mean and hurtful. I don't know about you, but calling someone pregnant because they've gained a little weight doesn't sound funny to me, and I know funny. I'm a pretty funny guy, a comedy writer and have done stand up. I'd say I have a pretty good idea of funny, and that isn't a joke. It's a potshot used to make the person making it feel better, probably about themselves, a symptom of low self-esteem.
3. It's not that you can't "take a joke". It is that you can not take pot shots well. And that's a symptom of self-esteem. You're taking a great step here by telling him that you don't like those kinds of jokes, but you are not being "too sensitive" and nor are you at fault for not being able to "take a joke".
4. This person, depending on how much you interact with him and how the other people are in your life, is bringing an amount of negativity into your life that you are getting concerned about (enough to post on an online forum about). My opinion? Ditch him. I have let go of friends before by not talking to them as much, joining clubs and stuff to amke new friends and just going to a different uni/job, whatever from them, and eventually those relationships sorta dimish away, and I have yet to regret it.
5. You might want to work on your self-esteem. However, self-esteem isn't just a metric, it is one of the results of a number of other things, like, living a life of integrity. You might wnat to read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.
6. You teach other people how to interact with you. Do you get up and walk away when he makes these kinds of "jokes"? Threats are worse than useless if you don't follow through with them. Next time he does that, let him know in a calm voice that you wont' stand for these kinds of jokes (as I'm sure as you've done) and then walk away if he continues to make them. You might want to let him know that your relationship with him is in question if he cannot stop making these kinds of jokes.

I'm sorry if I come off sounding a little harsh or what have you, this is an emotional topic for me. Fact is, those aren't "jokes". They are veiled attacks against you and against the person making them.

[Nathan]

4. Laugh at yourself

[Matthew Shea]

My approach to that sort of thing is to make a big, loud, exaggerated, obviously fake laugh. That seems to drive home the point better than anything that 1) it's not funny and 2) just shut up the next time.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

RTWolf, I think you've given introspective some great advice.

Oftentimes, we feel like there must be something wrong with us if we can't 'take a joke' but sometimes the supposed joke isn't all that funny. I agree that poking fun at someone's weight is some dangerous territory. Sure, guys like Chris Farley made a living making fun of their own weight. But you're not a commedian by trade and you've told this guy how it bothers you when he makes these kinds of comments. I would suggest reaffirming to him that this bothers you and if he doesn't relent, taking a break from spending time with him while you figure out how he may or may not fit into the life you want to have...basically all of the advice RT gave you.

Best wishes. Let us know how it goes.

[madgeylou]

hmmm ... i've been on both sides of this situation. sometimes i can take a joke and sometimes i just cant -- i'm too tired, i'm PMSing, it's been a long day, and i need support not fun. in this case i will come right out and say "oh please, i'm begging you, no more of your brilliant humor, i cant take it today!"

i've also been the one making a joke that someone else might think sounds mean. i swear that 99% of the jokes i make are NOT intended to be mean, though.

as an example, i have a dear dear friend who is kind of a small little dude. i could always tell that it bothered him. but, at the same time, he is strikingly handsome. so, i make jokes with him about his height and make jokes about how handsome he is, so that he can realize that the height is no big deal. not at all. he's lovely and loveable and hot as hell! and now he kids me about being a giant (i'm about half a foot taller than him).

another example -- one of my best friends, i met when she was 16 and i was 24. we really got each other, from the moment we met, in a way that makes me believe in past lives!

she's a young woman now and still one of my best friends. anyway, i used to tease her about sex and masturbation, because i could tell that she was very ashamed and scared of her sexual feelings and i very much wanted her to feel power and freedom in this realm instead (as everyone should!)

when i first started teasing her, she would get very embarrassed and angry. but over time, she got used to it, and realized that she had nothing to be ashamed of.

so ... my question to you would be, do you think your friend is teasing you because he knows you are insecure and thinks you shouldnt be? or is it just having a laugh at your expense?

in either case, my advice differs from that given above in that i think it's you that you should be looking at -- not your friend. why does a little good-natured teasing bother you so much?

it's possible this person was put here to give you a better perspective on your weight gain. honestly, it's not the end of the world. so you're a little chubby -- who are you hurting with that? try to take yourself a little less seriously.

it's also my opinion that you stand a better chance of improving your physical presence if you can accept yourself as you are now.

so, all that being said, what do you think this person's motives are? put aside your emotional reaction for a minute and use your analytical mind to see what he intends. if it's a good natured joke, develop some comebacks ("hey nimrod, be nice, or i'll sit on you!") and let it go.

if you feel there's malicious intent, though, then cut this person right out of your world. life is too short to spend with mean people if you can at all avoid them.

[Angela]

Someone who makes nasty personal remarks in a teasing manner despite having been told the remarks are hurtful is not making a joke. He is launching an missile of aggression. Telling you that you're too sensitive is yet another act of aggression.

People often do that in order to experience a sense of power-over or superiority through your reaction to their assaults. The best way to interrupt the pattern is to not react, and thus avoid giving more food to their pain body (and your own). Just be present, be silent, be calm, and allow yourself to be a mirror for him.

That might be hard, though, and it takes practice to give up reaction and just be present. Aspiring-to-Clarity suggested a fabulously great alternative to me yesterday: he's giving you a gift you don't want, so don't accept it! When he says something like "Are you pregnant?" answer, "No, thanks!" and walk away. Erin also suggested the magic phrase, "Hold that thought!" which I also love. The walking away part is key, as it will train him that you will not stand for abusive behavior.

A third alternative is to engage the guy by asking, "What exactly do you find funny about hurting the feelings of someone you care about?" Maybe you will set off a bell in his head that will lead him to some self-knowledge.

Finally, I'm with RT Wolf -- ditch him. Why hang out with a person who doesn't make your life better?

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[ConcentratedMind]

Try calling them out on it with an indifferent look on your face, one of curiosity. This will "kill" the mood and will make them think twice from doing it again.

[introspective1]

[QUOTE=madgeylou]
so ... my question to you would be, do you think your friend is teasing you because he knows you are insecure and thinks you shouldnt be? or is it just having a laugh at your expense?

why does a little good-natured teasing bother you so much?

[QUOTE]


To answer your questions, my friend KNOWS I am insecure and shouldn't be. However, I think that he does it because he is bigger than I am and is EXTREMELY insecure about it so he tries to project his insecurity onto me when we hang out. That' s my opinion. He always bitches about his weight and how his clothes don't fit but won't do anything about it. Then he talks about how i am now not that much smaller than him. I think he is having a laugh at my expense because he also mocks how i talk (something that even my family does and I told him at the beginning of the friendship how uncomfortable i am about that and he still makes those jokes)

I don't know why it bothers me so much. I have been told all my life, since i was 5, that I am too sensitive. EVERYONE beats me up about it, even my family at times. I hate myself alot of times because of this and I am afraid to make new friends because of this . I feel that they may not accept me because of it.

Bottom line, I feel like what makes me upset, makes me upset. He should understand that. Why should I have to "mask" my feelings by laughing at his jokes and pretending they don't hurt?

[RT Wolf]

He's not just having a joke at his expense, he's having a joke at his own expense. People tend to project more than we'd like to admit. Steve talks about it here:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...relationships/

One of the fundamental ideas of psychotherapy, too. I'm not trying to play devil's adovocate, but I am trying to help you understand hte other side.

Your bottom line is an empowering one. Find some new people to hang out with. He should be understanding of that, and if he's not, in my opinion, he doesn't cut it as a real friend. Basic courtesy isn't exactly a high standard, imo. But that's my rant, good luck with your thing.

[Ree]

I think of this behavior as a form of passive aggression. When an acquaintance repeatedly makes remarks to me that I find hurtful, and I say so and that person then says, "Oh, I was only kidding." or "Can't you take a joke?" or "Don't be so sensitive," that is a cop-out. IMO these people are very insecure and are trying to build themselves up by putting me down, but don't really have the nerve to follow through with it, thus they immediately turn tail and run when I call them on it. The way I deal with these people is (1) I call them on it so they do their little dance of recanting; then I smile sweetly and say, "I forgive you." (2) I let them be and I do not give their comment another thought. It's not about me, it's about them.

[madgeylou]

ah i see what you are saying. it's not so much he's teasing you out of your comfort zone -- he's taking out his anger with himself on you.

that's so not cool.

as far as feeling too sensitive, i believe there's no such thing. it's just a matter of finding the right environment for that sensitivity.

i'm sensitive as hell, too -- not with jokes, particularly, but with people's moods and internal struggles. sometimes i can tell what's wrong with someone or why they are feeling they way they are much more clearly than they can.

for this reason, i have to be careful about who i hang out with. i choose to be with people who are positive, so that i'm not dragged into their internal dramas (which they might not even consciously be aware of).

i also tend to gravitate toward people who are sensitive themselves, because they know how to treat me and vice versa.

i bet you can find some people who are more like you to spend your time with. these are people who, when they tease you, will do it with big goofy grins, and you will feel the difference.

[madgeylou]

oh and please dont hate yourself for this!! some of the best most wonderful loving brilliant people are extremely sensitive.

if not for the "overly sensitive," where would poetry come from? beautiful music? spiritual insights? how would empathy happen? we are excellent friends, we are empaths, we feel the machinations of the energetic worlds which overlap with the physical world. we are translators between the dreamtime and reality. sensitivity is a gift.

have you read "the highly sensitive person"? if not, i recommend it. you will feel recognized and validated in a whole new way.

[reflections]

If your friends words hurt you then they hurt you - period. If this is the way that you feel then why should someone else have the right to tell you that you should be not feel it? How would this person feel if you began to pick apart his insecurities and then mock him for feeling sensitive about it? I don't think that things need to get to that, but sometimes you need to make it clear(especially with friends someimes!) what is alright and what is not alright. If they continue to consciously act in a way that hurts you then they are willingly disrespecting you and then it would be up to you to decide whether you want to remain friends with someone who would disrespect you consciously.

[Ree]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

if not for the "overly sensitive," where would poetry come from? beautiful music? spiritual insights? how would empathy happen? we are excellent friends, we are empaths, we feel the machinations of the energetic worlds which overlap with the physical world. we are translators between the dreamtime and reality. sensitivity is a gift.

Beautifully said!

[Brutha]

You have a problem with your self confidence.
You fear that you need to adept to your friend to be accepted.

It doesn't work that way. People don't like to be around people who don't believe in themselves.
Be yourself. Don't think about how you will appear to others.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Brutha

You have a problem with your self confidence.
You fear that you need to adept to your friend to be accepted.

It doesn't work that way. People don't like to be around people who don't believe in themselves.
Be yourself. Don't think about how you will appear to others.

I do have a SERIOUS problem with my self confidence. People consider me good looking and don't understand why I have low self-esteem, and the reasons behind that are things tied to not being accepted by "friends" and family in my childhood. I still have anger issues and get held down by things that happened to me a long time ago...i don't know why. I have only been to a couple therapists recently and none were very helpful.

My friend has repeatedly told me to be myself and that I am a great person, but then he puts me through this. One minute he is uplifting and the next he says these things, so I question whether he is the problem or me. I guess if I were comfortable in my own skin than I wouldn't doubt myself so much. I look too much to family and friends for validation of who I am.

In my opinion, if my friend knows certain comments or jokes that he tends to repeat will hurt me, then he should change the way he says things or what is being said to adapt to my feelings...he instead thinks that I need to stop being so sensitive and feel that I am being talked down to...its hard to say who is wrong or right

[reflections]

Originally Posted by introspective1

I do have a SERIOUS problem with my self confidence. People consider me good looking and don't understand why I have low self-esteem, and the reasons behind that are things tied to not being accepted by "friends" and family in my childhood. I still have anger issues and get held down by things that happened to me a long time ago...i don't know why. I have only been to a couple therapists recently and none were very helpful.

My friend has repeatedly told me to be myself and that I am a great person, but then he puts me through this. One minute he is uplifting and the next he says these things, so I question whether he is the problem or me. I guess if I were comfortable in my own skin than I wouldn't doubt myself so much. I look too much to family and friends for validation of who I am.

In my opinion, if my friend knows certain comments or jokes that he tends to repeat will hurt me, then he should change the way he says things or what is being said to adapt to my feelings...he instead thinks that I need to stop being so sensitive and feel that I am being talked down to...its hard to say who is wrong or right

Introspective1 - There are more ways than one to support a person in such a way as to improve their self-confidence. From a solutions-orientated point of view it doesn't sound like the way your friend is going about it is working too well. Isn't that aim of self-confidence is too feel good about yourself? Sounds like he is actively going about trying to make you feel bad about yourself.

[Groundless]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

6. You teach other people how to interact with you. Do you get up and walk away when he makes these kinds of "jokes"? Threats are worse than useless if you don't follow through with them. Next time he does that, let him know in a calm voice that you wont' stand for these kinds of jokes (as I'm sure as you've done) and then walk away if he continues to make them. You might want to let him know that your relationship with him is in question if he cannot stop making these kinds of jokes.

One way to do this without being overly confrontational is to turn to your friend when he does a seriously offending comment and say "You know I love/like/care for you and I value our friendship but it really erodes/hurts/kills our friendship when you say these hurtful things to me. While I may or may not be overly sensitive I can tell you this hurts me and I would appreciate it if you would refrain from saying this again"

I also usually weave something in there like "While I may actually be { fat } there are many truthful things that need not be said to each other if we care about each other.

I am a man looking man and I had several buddies that we all used to joke around tearing each other down. This technique has helped me shape their behavior (and my own) so that the tearing down comments do not happen often anymore.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Groundless

One way to do this without being overly confrontational is to turn to your friend when he does a seriously offending comment and say "You know I love/like/care for you and I value our friendship but it really erodes/hurts/kills our friendship when you say these hurtful things to me. While I may or may not be overly sensitive I can tell you this hurts me and I would appreciate it if you would refrain from saying this again"

I also usually weave something in there like "While I may actually be { fat } there are many truthful things that need not be said to each other if we care about each other.

I am a man looking man and I had several buddies that we all used to joke around tearing each other down. This technique has helped me shape their behavior (and my own) so that the tearing down comments do not happen often anymore.

This sounds like a good idea....what I really want to say is, "Just because you think something doesn't mean you have to say it. There is a difference between being blunt and being an *********************."

[Jayne]

Who says that being sensitive the problem? Him being insensitive is the problem. He needs to look at his definition of a joke. A couple of responses I might make:

If you think that was a joke I hope you have no aspirations of being a comedian.

or

Perhaps you should redefine your definition of a joke. Degrading somebody you call a friend is not something I consider to be a joke. It's not that I can't take a joke, just that I prefer to have friends who love and support me, not friends who make me feel terrible. So if you want to remain my friend, I would ask that you consider whether your words are helping the friendship or hurting it.

I've had the same problems with my husband, only he's very fit. He eats junk all day, and I eat very healthy (nothing refined, tons of fruit, veggies, lean meat) and am still 30lbs over where I want to be. He also was born without an internal censor. When he comments about my weight, I have to be very clear with him about how it makes me feel. I've even joked with him in a similar manner about him being too skinny just to show him how it feels - and it really hurt him. Now I just remind him how that felt and that I feel the same way when he talks about my weight. Some things are just off limits. That's the main one in our house.

I wish you the best and hope you are able to work it out. I agree with what others have said tho. Somebody once said to me there are only 2 types of people - those who add and those who subtract. I try to be one who adds, and those who subtract I stay away from as much as possible. I've eliminated several friends because of this, but really have no regrets.

[Ree]

Originally Posted by Jayne

I've even joked with him in a similar manner about him being too skinny just to show him how it feels - and it really hurt him. Now I just remind him how that felt and that I feel the same way when he talks about my weight. Some things are just off limits. That's the main one in our house.

Jayne, my husband and I had a similar problem when we first got married. His family is very direct and blunt, to the point of being cruel. Because of this, he developed a thick skin. My family is the opposite, sensitive and supportive and gentle. It was tough for me to deal with his criticism sometimes, although he thought nothing of it. I had just read the book Hotel New Hampshire in which there was a bear whose growl sounded like, "Earl." That became my signal to him if he was getting too rough. The symbolism was that when I had enough I said, "Earl," and he knew I meant business. He didn't want to upset this "mama bear!" I don't need the signal anymore, as he has mellowed out very nicely

[Brutha]

Originally Posted by introspective1

My friend has repeatedly told me to be myself and that I am a great person, but then he puts me through this. One minute he is uplifting and the next he says these things, so I question whether he is the problem or me.

Self-confidence can't come from outside of yourself. People who have self confidence aren't told that they are great persons because they don't give someone else the power to decide for them whether they are or aren't one.

I guess if I were comfortable in my own skin than I wouldn't doubt myself so much. I look too much to family and friends for validation of who I am.

It action and reaction. You are so damn serious about being accepted by other people. That put pressure on him to act in someway.
Sometimes he choices to tell you that you are a great person sometimes he tries to push you back by joking about you.
Karma.
You press him to do that, by searching his validation.

I do have a SERIOUS problem with my self confidence. People consider me good looking and don't understand why I have low self-esteem, and the reasons behind that are things tied to not being accepted by "friends" and family in my childhood.

I think you should forget this topic about being able to take jokes. It isn't your main issue.
Without dealing with your self confidence you won't have any chance to get any further on this issue.

How can you get self confidence?
Get good at something. A sport or martial art would be great. Toastmasters would also be great.
It will probaly take 1 to 2 years till you come over your problem of self confidence, but getting good at something and by overcoming your own limits you can build confidence.

[RT Wolf]

It's not about being comfortable or uncomfortable. It's about having an internal locus of control. Who do you think is responsible for or in control of your life, or the aspects of your life? When things are tough, do you blame others (including a past version of yourself, or different parts of yourself) or take responsibility?

Control, responsibility and choice are all tied at the hip.

In this case, you believe that other people are responsible for accepting you, but you also have a choice in terms of which people you will spend time with. Raise your standards.

Anyhoo, I think this topic has been talked to death. I think its time for decision and action. I'd appreciate it if you let us know what you did and how it went.