compassion fatigue

[emeraldbaby]

Hi,

I'm hoping to get some advice on how to deal with emotional detachment, even annoyance that I'm feeling in response to the unrelentless unhappiness I see around me.

In the last few years I've been listening to my friends and empathizing with various problems, including relationship problems, family illness, death, abortion, abuse etc. I'm very fortunate to not be experiencing any hardship at the moment, so I listen with as much care as I can, ask questions, follow up, etc, all the things that make people feel cared for.

But these are serious, ongoing problems, and because I'm blessed with an easy life, at the moment, it is really hard to get someone to listen to my problems; sometimes I don't even get a response, because my friends are too wrapped up in their woes. And no, I don't have a partner to whom I can share things with.

I have told people about my feelings, in writing, but I think it's too late. I feel emotionally depleted and unable to listen anymore.

I don't want people to think that they are burdening me, that they need to pick their topic/words, and I certainly don't want them to feel abandoned, but I just don't have enough warmth inside to give anymore...and I do feel a unhappy and a bit guilty about this.

I'd love some advice from people with similar experiences, especially if you felt guilty for not being there for your friends; and also people on the other end - how did you feel when your friend stopped responding to you? did you get angry and distance yourself? feel hurt and abandoned?

[Angela]

Emeraldbaby, all you need do to make a difference for the people you care about is be present -- to listen with your whole self, and simply be with them. You don't have to ask questions or follow up.

And you don't have to empathize with them -- that is, to identify with them or feel their feelings. that's what's exhausting! You can't help people by taking on their emotional burden.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

I feel emotionally depleted and unable to listen anymore.

Emeraldbaby, you are suffering from the burnout that comes from other people dumping on you all the time. It's great to be a good listener but when people cross the line and burden you with their problems it's time to step back.

I don't know if you've tried to offer solutions or not, but once you do people should let you be. Let people know that you can't do this anymore because it's affecting your emotional health.

There are plenty of avenues for others to find solutions to their problems. If you feel the need steer them in the direction of the internet, some self-help sites, books etc. You can't be expected to bear the burden of everyone's problems.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

You can't be expected to bear the burden of everyone's problems.

....unless you've trained people to expect that, by making a habit of doing it! People can't really burden you unless you pick up their burden. You have all the power.

Zhereford, my feeling is that it's not even necessary to offer solutions. Sometimes it's more effective to turn it around: "what do YOU think will be your solution to this problem?" I also don't think you need to tell people you're going to change your behavior. Just change your behavior.

So, what do YOU think will be the solution to this problem, emeraldbaby?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Zhereford, my feeling is that it's not even necessary to offer solutions. Sometimes it's more effective to turn it around: "what do YOU think will be your solution to this problem?"?

I can agree with that. I have done some of the same things Emeraldbaby is talking about. I've felt depleted because I try to do everything for everyone else and when I need someone it seems like no one is available. In my experience, people don't want advice unless they ask for it. Most of the time when I do give advice they ignore it, but when I ask them what they think they can do it puts them in a position of power and responsibility. And it helps to mitigate the responsibility I feel for the outcome of their situation.

I certainly think offering solutions is important sometimes, Z. I've gotten lots of help from people on here (you one of the most). The only difference is I came here specifically asking for advice.

[Alchemiss]

Originally Posted by emeraldbaby

Hi,

But these are serious, ongoing problems, and because I'm blessed with an easy life, at the moment, it is really hard to get someone to listen to my problems; sometimes I don't even get a response, because my friends are too wrapped up in their woes. And no, I don't have a partner to whom I can share things with.

.....

I'd love some advice from people with similar experiences, especially if you felt guilty for not being there for your friends; and also people on the other end - how did you feel when your friend stopped responding to you? did you get angry and distance yourself? feel hurt and abandoned?

I have been where you are, Emerald, and this is the part that jumped out at me. There was a time where most of the people I picked as "friends" were needy and I needed them to need me and a lot of the time that felt good (in hindsight I see it as an unhealthy pattern for me). Then when I needed them, it seemed like they were always in the midst of a crisis and needed me more than ever yet I felt like "after all I've done for you where are you when I need something?". My friendships now are more equal in terms of giving and taking. I'm not sure this applies in your case but maybe the people who are currently dependent upon you aren't the kind of people who will be true friends. Perhaps finding friends who can cope at least as well as you can (or even slightly better, just like it helps to play with a tennis partner who is slightly more skilled than you are) would be a good place to start.

Take care,
Alchemiss

[Ree]

Emerald, it has been my experience that some people are happy being unhappy. Of course I don't personally know the people you are speaking of, so I don't know if they fall into this category or not. Some people really do not want help. They want to be miserable and they want sympathy and attention. Relationships with these folks can be very draining.

That being said, sometimes all one wants is a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear. We can't really take on everybody's burdens and we can't solve everyone's problems, but we can be there. I had a friend who went through a long and difficult time in her life. About once a month, I would try to break the cycle of worry and grief for her and I would show up with some decadent puff pastry and a huge thermos of tea and pictures of us as children, or a funny chick flick (not a tear-jerker) or I'd invite her to the spa with me. Rather than focusing on her problems with her, I tried to take her mind off her sadness, even if only for a short time.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I certainly think offering solutions is important sometimes, Z. I've gotten lots of help from people on here (you one of the most). The only difference is I came here specifically asking for advice.

Thanks Aspiring!

Offering solutions can be helpful to people and possibly point them in the right direction. We all need guidance and support at times.

I guess emeraldbaby finds it hard when people want more and perhaps don't respect the fact they ultimately have to figure it out for themselves.

[Angela]

I meant no disrespect, Zhereford; I know first-hand that your coaching and the solutions you offer are incredibly valuable. I meant only that offering solutions is not always required when you're sitting with a friend in need. It sounds like Emeraldbaby's friends sort of rely on her to come up with solutions to console and assist them; maybe they would benefit more if she puts the responsibility back into their own laps, where it belongs! And Emeraldbaby would reap the benefit of making a difference in people's lives, but not feeling burdened or unbalanced in the relationship.

It's hard, though; when your pal is suffering, you want to alleviate it, if you can. I think when people are given the opportunity to just spew without being judged, they can usually hear the answer to their problem inside of their own words.

I'm really grateful to people like you who are so gifted at suggesting ways of looking at issues that I can't see because I'm stuck in my maelstrom. So, thanks!

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Angela

I meant no disrespect, Zhereford; I know first-hand that your coaching and the solutions you offer are incredibly valuable.

No problem Angela, I didn't take it that way and I think you're quite right in that offering solutions isn't always necessary. I also agree that emeraldbaby's friends would benefit more it she put the onus back on them.

Incidentally, I enjoy reading your posts and likewise find them valuable and rather refreshing. I'm the type of person who appreciates views different from my own because it broadens my own perspective and gives me the opportunity to learn so much. Vive la differance!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

I guess emeraldbaby finds it hard when people want more and perhaps don't respect the fact they ultimately have to figure it out for themselves.

You said what I was trying to say much more eloquently. That was actually what I was trying to get at. At least in my experience, I will offer solutions to people and they won't accept them. Or they won't follow through. Or it's almost like they expect me to somehow accomplish it for them. It becomes very frustrating when you try to give your all to help someone and they just keep asking more and more of you until you feel quite drained. I am only now realizing that I allowed this to happen. I keep thinking they need to take some responsibility and I need to do it as much if not moreso.

Looking back, the way I phrased my response would seem to imply I don't agree with you. I do, I just had the opposite experience as well. The quote above kind of clarifies what I was going for.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Ree

Emerald, it has been my experience that some people are happy being unhappy.

That is very true, Ree! I know some of those people. They are the ones that end up making you feel like you are chasing your tail trying to help them. You can offer solutions, hold their hand, walk the first part practically for them and they will still end up right back at the beginning, complaining. I seem to run into a lot of those. I guess I need to take a look inside -- damn reflections!

[emeraldbaby]

Dear all,

Thank you so much for your advice, I wasn’t expecting so many replies! Much appreciated

Angela – I follow up and ask questions because that’s what I would like my listener to do. I feel that a lot of people treat other people’s problems rather like an episode of a soap drama, i.e. the problem’s over when the conversation’s over, and when you meet them again, it’s as if you haven’t cried out to them at all. I realize that some people expect other people to just voice their problems, but I personally find it difficult to talk about myself unless I see genuine interest. I project what I would like onto others and act accordingly.

Zhereford, Aspiring – I do offer solutions sometimes but it’s not what people want (90% of the time), because they don’t like to be told what to do, especially by someone who hasn’t suffered much (in their opinion). I have tried to steer people towards self-development, but funnily, I don’t see a lot of interest!

I have told a couple of people that I am tired and need a break, and the result is that whenever they talk to me about their life, they apologise to me for complaining!

Alchemiss – thank you for your concern, and I definitely know what you’re talking about. I do believe my wish to be a good listener stems partly from wanting to be useful/needed. Luckily my friends all care about me ☺

Ree – thanks for your advice. I do think it’s better to cheer someone up rather than wail with them. I think people are happy being unhappy because they think it’s the external world that’s making them unhappy. Also, they think that they are not in a negative spiral, they are just getting things off their chest…

It’s been a relief to be able to vent my feelings on their forum, and I feel less alone. I am going to work on my inner peace and replenish the warmth I once felt inside. I will also be doing a 5-week counseling course to volunteer at hospitals or jails, and I hope to share that with you all later!

[brandi]

I've had to back off from some of the periphreal people.
turn off my ringers, they have been off for almost 2 yrs.

I call when i can spare the emotion.
as i feel sometimes i rarely able to hold myself together diligently.

it's time to give yourself a break.
bad news and anxiety can mess with your energy.
Time out.
be around people with good news.
don't read/reply to threads that
sound like they'd have anything other than positive, inspirational posts.
I wish you peace, healing and refreshment.