can you be popular, well liked, admired if you're unattractive (in a shallow sense)?

[lightthecandle]

Firstly, I do accept myself. However, it is difficult for me to talk to people and hold a conversation with people, because I don’t feel pretty enough and feel they think I’m not pretty. I feel like I can be really funny and cute if I wasn’t so shy. And people tell me I have a great personality, well the ones that I am already somewhat good friends with already. I guess what I’m asking is how can I stop being soooooo shy? I’m 20 years old now, and I’d really like to break out of this shell that I’ve created. The thing is I have acne, and acne scars which are very very noticeable. I KNOW that if I was prettier that I would have been really popular and had more confidence. I know that’s shallow of me, but since I am not very pretty…how can I talk to people and get to know them and let them know me? The thing is I’m in this science camp in college with 60 other kids, and a lot of the kids have already established good friendships within three days (it’s a 7week program), but not me. Its even more difficult for me to talk to guys (I’m a girl). I guess what I’m asking is because I’m not attractive, how can I have a great personality, not be shy, and be able to hold a decent conversation with people I’m meeting??? How should I carry myself? I feel inadequate when everyone else in the group is good looking and not me. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I know I have to grow up…I mean I’m friggen 20 years old already, and I still don’t feel confident when talking to people!!!!!! Another thing is how do I start new conversations with people? I mean what else can you ask besides the weather???????????????? Also, can you be well liked if you’re unattractive???


Last question: How do I make the acne go away???? I eat a lot of junk food, and I KNOW that contributes to a lot of the acne…but I just can’t stop!! Someone needs to throw a rock in my eye!!

[Truefire]

I already wrote a reply, in a different thread maybe?

Charisma and body language

[Brutha]

It is probably no physical but an mental problem.
Their are a lot of people who aren't exactly attractive but are still able to build connect with other people.

Last question: How do I make the acne go away????

Have you asked a doctor or the guy at the drugstore?

I eat a lot of junk food, and I KNOW that contributes to a lot of the acne…but I just can’t stop!! Someone needs to throw a rock in my eye!!

You aren't feeling bad enough already to find that motivation?

[randomvariable]

Hi, this is my first post here. I usually only lurk but I felt like I had to reply because I used to be in a similar situation and it's kind of spooky how you posted this on the same day my dermatologist told me I didn't have to see her anymore (yay ).

First thing I'd advise you to do is to go see a dermatologist (bet you didn't see that coming ). I've tried many things for years -- home remedies, cutting down on various foods, facials at beauty salons, expensive skincare products etc -- none of them really worked or they only got rid of some of the acne. A dermatologist will be able to identify your skin type and administer the proper treatment/medication/whatnot. The first time I went to see mine, I brought along all the skincare products I was using and she replaced most of them with stuff that actually work and cost only half the price. After nearly 6 months and just 4 visits to the dermatologist, all the acne and most of the scars are gone.

If for any reason it's not possible for you to get a dermatologist, here are some tips that may help:

• put on sunscreen for your face when you're outside
• keep your hands off your face
• try not to have hair covering your face
• change your pillowcase daily (if possible)

Regular exercise, a proper diet and multivitamins go a long way. Exercise will help you tremendously, simply because it puts you into an amazing state. Vitamins keep the skin happy.

And to add on to what Truefire said, drinking plenty of water (plain water, no sodas) is good for the skin too.

That's all I can think of the moment, and I assume you have a proper cleansing routine? If not, you can check this out: Acne.org - Acne treatment and community Actually, there's a whole lot of stuff about acne and getting rid of it over at that site (Personally, the regimen mentioned on the site didn't quite work for me but otherwise it's a very informative web site)

Physical attractiveness, prettiness, etc is a rather subjective idea. My friends and I have different views of what's good-looking and what's not. And the thing about physical attractiveness is that it's not fixed and can be enhanced in many different ways (new hairstyle, the right makeup, even clothes). Besides, how attractive (looks-wise) you find someone shouldn't be the basis for whether you like the person or not, and it probably isn't so for most people.

However, it is difficult for me to talk to people and hold a conversation with people, because I don’t feel pretty enough and feel they think I’m not pretty.

It all comes down to how you feel about yourself. Most people aren't judging your looks when you're having a conversation with them. I know it's hard to think this way when you look in the mirror and see that blanket of red -- I've been there before and it sucked -- but you have to tell yourself it really isn't a big deal and it won't be forever, etc. and to quote Truefire again,

You answered you're own question. You're in your head and in your "shell." If you did truly accept and love yourself, including your acne, it wouldn't be a problem. Granted, other people would be more accepting if you had clean skin, but you shouldn't let that stop you. Instead of looking at your negative self perceptions, change it up, start complimenting yourself(this works better for girls than guys), Tell yourself you've got a nice ass, even if you don't think it looks that nice yet. Eventually you'll be wondering why you aren't giving your nice ass the attention it deserves by eating bags of chips and sitting on the couch.

As for initiating conversations, that's something I'm working on as well. I'm not really good at randomly making up conversation topics yet but I try to smile if they're looking in my direction. I find it easier like that than to try and start a conversation out of the blue. Usually once you've established that you're friendly (by smiling), it'll be easier for you to talk to the other person and vice versa later on.

[John Wesley]

I think it's possible, although certainly more challenge. It's important to understand that being attractive is much more the just physical. The way you dress and present yourself is probably more important than your physical features. The more attractive you believe you are, the more attractive you'll appear to others.

[Angela]

Here's the thing: as long as you're focused on your scars (or any other aspect of yourself, for that matter), you are not present in a conversation. That makes people edgy, uncomfortable, and bored. It's likely that your focus is also drawing the attention of your conversation partners directly where you don't want it to go!

The most interesting people are people who are interested. When you are ready to give up your self-focus and really actively be present to the person you're talking with, they will not see any scars, they'll only see the candlelight of who you really are. By the way, the same would be true if a person were hyper conscious of their own beauty -- that also gets in the way of being present, and makes people edgy, uncomfortable and bored!

I wish I could go back in time and tell my 20 year old self what a horrendous waste of time and spirit it is to worry about how you look! So, thank you for letting me tell you instead. You are perfectly perfect. Practice being really present, and when you feel self-consciousness creeping in, thank it and let it go, and go back to being present.

Another thing I wish I could tell my 20 year old self is: Pro-Activ works really, really well.

Lots of love and best wishes,
Angela

[Groundless]

This link has a free download for EFT techniques.

DL it and use it. It may help with self-confidence.

Learn EFT

[Groundless]

You are perfectly perfect. Practice being really present, and when you feel self-consciousness creeping in, thank it and let it go, and go back to being present.

Amen to this.

[dragonfly183]

Being pretty has nothing to do with being well liked. Nothing at all. i have known several people that are "beautiful" but i couldn't stand to be around them. its all about personality and the way you treat others. You don't have to be funny to be well liked either. just be nice, be helpful and thats all.

[uberinquisitive]

You're conflicted about your "shallowness."

I'm female, young, and live in NYC. I have no problems being "shallow." I embrace it. I accept that, in the real world, people (especially women) are judged by looks. Therefore, I invest a lot of time, energy and money into my looks. I enjoy it - I see it as pampering myself.

If having better skin makes you feel more confident, then focus on getting rid of acne. Self-acceptance is all nice and good, but that's only half the battle. Your outer skin is your "brand", and it deserves as much attention as your inner self.

Go to a dermatologist. A round of Accutane (pills you take for a short period of time) often works miracles.

In the meantime, try this regimen: the trick is to combine manual exfoliation, chemical exfoliation, and disinfection.

Basic Cleansing/Exfoliation (twice a day)
- Start off by using this Shu Uemura cleansing oil on a dry face. It will break down the sebum on your face. It emulsifies in water. Rinse off.
- Use a gentle, non-drying face wash. A good one might be that Neutrogena Gentle face Wash (in the blue bottle). I put some on those exfoliating gloves, and gently buff my face. Make sure to rinse very well.

Treatment
- I love those Stridex Maximum Daily Care face pads (2% Salicylic Acid). They are alcohol free, and will not only help prevent new pimples, but help fade the scars. I use this everytime I wash my face (twice a day)
- I also like to use Nature's Cure 5% benzoyl peroxide (this kills the bacteria in your pores). It comes with these homeopathic pills - I throw the pills away. I put a good layer on at night, because it doesn't mix well with sunshine.

In about a month, you should see at least some improvement in your skin. However, nothing beats Accutane for severe acne.

Once your acne is gone, it will take some time for the scars to fade. I suggest using a concealor (I believe Maybelline makes one that has 2% salicylic acid), and sort of "coloring" the scars away. It won't be 100%, but it will help reduce their appearance.

You can go to Make-Up Alley and look up reviews for cosmetics, skincare and haircare.

[andrew]

Women have it a lot harder than men when it comes to looks, for just about every reason imaginable. And while what everyone says here is true, you may need some sort of catalyst to get you going. You won't change over night, a few weeks, or even a year.

I've been through a self transformation myself, and still am, for over 5 years now. I went from being the kid that sat alone at lunch in school, to being told I should model and people assuming I was one of 'the popular kids' in school. Good genes? Maybe. But mostly I worked at myself, and tried to be the best I can be. I had a poor hair cut, poor fitness, poor eating habits, obviously very low self-esteem, ill-proper clothing, a very negative attitude, etc. The list goes on and on, and I can relate exactly to how you feel.

What you need is that spark. That something that you get a glimpse of, and say to yourself, "hey, it may not be so bad after all!". For me, it was my hair. Sure it may sound shallow or crazy, but once I stopped spiking my hair up short, and let it go natural and long, I found out I had really nice hair! ...and so did the girls! So I was like wow, girls are starting to pay attention to me a bit now, there IS hope! So that just snow balled into me dressing better, taking better care of myself, becoming more social, and esp becoming more confident. It was so moving and exciting that I went from that loser kid, to who I am today, which I'm very proud of – that's what counts the most in the end.

So when that starts happening, you can start taking care of the really deep core inside issues too. They kind of happen automatically, since you're so into personal development by then.

I hope this is somewhat inspirational to you. Ironically, I wouldn't go back and change it. Why? Think about it. If i was average looks, popularity, average dating success, etc, I wouldn't have tried nearly as hard as I did, and would be nothing to what I am today! So really try and see the light, it's there. You just have to be the best you that you can be.

[openeyes]

Provided you take care of yourself physically (so far as basic dress and hygiene goes), immediate physical importance is mostly important in the initial meetings with someone. Personality gains importance over time. The less you allow acne to bother you, the less it will bother those around you. If you can be kind, confident, and driven people will be drawn to you, regardless of appearance. Just beware of too much garlic

[Maguru]

Here's the rock! Get over yourself! People aren't that interested in what you look like. You are neither pretty nor ugly. Neither am I and I'm a girl too. The so called 'pretty' girls have just as many problems as you and I, just different ones. Life is about how you feel and how you make others around you feel. That's all.

[Slamboard]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

...In about a month, you should see at least some improvement in your skin. However, nothing beats Accutane for severe acne...

There appears to be some concern about psychiatric side effects with that particular drug.

source

[TonyToneTone]

Didn't read your post but to answer your question, yes. You can also be popular, well-liked, admired, and attractive. It's your choice.