Seeking advice--Fear and annoyance

[ThoughtAddict]

I'm looking for advice on dealing with fear and annoyance/anger. My fear is rooted, I believe, in a deep-seated expectation of being excellent. I consider myself a good deal more intelligent than the average person (which is something that was reinforced in me through schooling) and find myself wary of situations in which I may look or feel foolish. I hesitate to ask questions of my boss or go into new social situations. This is coupled with general discomfort in conversation unless the topic is business oriented. My social skills are probably stunted because of this fear, though it may just be that my perception is skewed by the fear. As a student, I often find myself not writing papers until past the deadline, and dreading every line because it sounds simple, unintelligent, or lacking in substance or quality. I avoid parties unless I know most of the people involved, and even then I hesitate to go. The fear and awkwardness are beginning to severly impact my life. Has anyone else dealt with a problem like this? If so, what concrete steps helped? The mental steps (e.g. "accept that it is okay not to be perfect") have failed miserably.

In addition, I've begun getting annoyed and angry more and more easily, especially at my fiancee. She often places more stress in simple situations than it seems is necessary, and my reactions aren't calm. Before I met her (and back when I used to abuse controlled substances) I was a very chill, relaxed person. Lately, I'm feeling more and more stressed even when there's little to no workload. The annoyance has spread into negative thoughts, including a sudden surge of racism that bothers me. I love this girl to death, and when times are good, they're great. But this lack of focus and center bothers me. What is possibly more disturbing is that I see many positive effects of annoyance and anger, and have begun contemplating whether the power it provides is worth the discomfort and negativity it causes.

In general, I'm just seeking advice from any very zen, focused people who have been through similar situations.

[Shamou]

Hello ThoughtAddict...

I believe that most of your problems are caused by a poor self image... and that is what you should work on...

Changing the self image is not easy... but it is possible... the first thing that you do is to write a statement describing who you perceive yourself to be...

...and the next is to read that statement or affirmation every day for at least 30 days... then, you will know for a fact just who you are... and you will perform accordingly...

Here is Anthony Robbins' statement that you can use as a model....

…I am a creator of possibility, an instigator of joy, a catalyst for growth, a builder of people, and a producer of passion. I am not a motivator, a preacher, or a guru.

I am a coach, an entrepreneur, a husband, a father, a lover, a friend, an entertainer, a television personality, a nationally best-selling author, one of the most impactful speaker in the nation, a black belt, a jet helicopter pilot, an international businessman, a health expert, an advocate for the homeless, a philanthropist, a teacher, a person who makes a difference, a force for good, a healer, a challenger… and a fun, outrageous, and humble kind o’ guy!

I identify with the highest elements of my self, and I view those facets of me that are not yet perfect as an opportunity for growth rather than as character flaws.

Best of luck to you...

.

[JohnPlace]

ThoughtAddict, I empathize with you. I've been there.

You may be suffering from anxiety. The fear of failure, the perfectionist tendencies, and the fear of social situations are all symptoms of unhealthy anxiety, and if they have interfered with your life for a period of time greater than 6 months, you may actually have an anxiety disorder. I suffered from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) several years ago, so I know what it's like.

I have an article from my blog that I'm going to pass along to you, but before you read it, I just want to say that I am not qualified to diagnose your symptoms (and even if I was, that couldn't be done over the Internet).

But perhaps you could read this and look inward to see if you can see yourself in any of these symptoms:
How I Overcame Anxiety (and How You Can Too)

Best wishes to you.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by ThoughtAddict

My fear is rooted, I believe, in a deep-seated expectation of being excellent. I consider myself a good deal more intelligent than the average person (which is something that was reinforced in me through schooling) and find myself wary of situations in which I may look or feel foolish...... The fear and awkwardness are beginning to severly impact my life. Has anyone else dealt with a problem like this? If so, what concrete steps helped? The mental steps (e.g. "accept that it is okay not to be perfect") have failed miserably.

Hi ThoughtAddict, you put way too much pressure on yourself.
Is it possible that you don't think you're as smart as others do? Maybe you're afraid of not meeting other people's expectations.

As far as conquering fears, the only way to do so is to face them. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable and awkward in new situations. No one is perfect including you. The only way to master a situation is to practice it over and over until you become good at it and therefore comfortable with it.
You absolutely must be willing to step out of your comfort zone if you want to succeed at anything. If that means feeling foolish sometimes, so be it.

[Gary]

First of all diagnosis isn’t a solution path.

It is not just one thing. I see a mixture of beliefs that are creating the different emotions and behaviors you are describing. There are beliefs that prop up a sense of superiority, and beliefs about poor self image at the same time. Add in assumptions of how others perceive you, self judgment, and the seduction of power and control that go with anger. (which by the way would only be appealing if there were a sense of powerlessness to begin with)

It all adds up to a belief system in the mind running out of control.
Take a look at this breakdown of beliefs behind the issue of anger to get an idea of how many things work together to build an emotion.

Of course recognizing and diagnosing the issue isn’t worth anything. It’s like having a cactus needle under your skin and someone pointing out what cactus you got it from.


For the concrete steps you asked for check out the audio series in Self Mastery on my website. The first couple free sessions are small steps but will give you a place to start. The exercises in the paid sessions will begin to create more impact as you progress.

Or consider doing some sessions with me personally.

It is absolutely something you can change. But by my experience it isn't something that changes by some kind of fluff affirmations or "mental" steps as you found out.

[ThoughtAddict]

Many thanks to Shamou, JohnPlace, ZHereford, and Gary for their thoughtful replies.

Shamou, I notice your name popping up a lot when I browse threads. You reply like a madman. No social fear there, eh? The statement/affirmation of self is a common piece of advice. It seems very kitschy, but on your advice I will attempt it. Self-image problems may or may not be the root of the problem (I suspect they're a part... human beings are so wonderfully complex--everything has some effect, however small). Even if they're not, doing this certainly won't hurt and will probably help. Thanks again.

JohnPlace, thank you for sharing your experience. Some of what you wrote was very familiar (occassionally being so wound up you can't sleep). It was interesting to see your experience and how you made progress with generalized anxiety. I don't feel that's the problem (social anxiety is, but it is limited to situations with another person's approval/judgment). It is good to hear that you've dealt with your anxiety and made such progress. I wish you the best of luck, and thank you for your advice.

ZHereford, you're exactly right. I have extreme difficulty stepping outside my comfort zone. It's a life skill that some people seem to catch very quickly. The most amazing people are the ones who are simply never fazed by unfamiliar situations, who respond courageously and naturally, without analyzing or wavering. They don't look foolish, even when they mess up. This is something I need to work on. My self-opinion varies greatly when it comes to intelligence (something you noted). Shamou's advice will probably overlap with yours here to give both a goal (expanding the comfort zone) and a means to that goal (hold firm to a positive self-image in uncomfortable situations).

Gary, I agree there are a mixture of beliefs, and they interact in subtle ways. I will definitely check out the site. Thank you for the links, as well as the audio files. This weekend should provide me with ample time to listen to them.

Time to get to work on myself. Thanks again for all the advice and comments. This is a truly supportive place, and I'm lucky to have found it.

[JohnPlace]

Originally Posted by ThoughtAddict

JohnPlace, thank you for sharing your experience. Some of what you wrote was very familiar (occassionally being so wound up you can't sleep). It was interesting to see your experience and how you made progress with generalized anxiety. I don't feel that's the problem (social anxiety is, but it is limited to situations with another person's approval/judgment). It is good to hear that you've dealt with your anxiety and made such progress. I wish you the best of luck, and thank you for your advice.

Generalized and social anxiety can share symptoms, so I appreciate your situation.

Where you are at the moment is not an easy place to be, but I know you will overcome in time.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by ThoughtAddict

Shamou, I notice your name popping up a lot when I browse threads. You reply like a madman. No social fear there, eh? The statement/affirmation of self is a common piece of advice. It seems very kitschy, but on your advice I will attempt it. Self-image problems may or may not be the root of the problem (I suspect they're a part... human beings are so wonderfully complex--everything has some effect, however small). Even if they're not, doing this certainly won't hurt and will probably help. Thanks again.

Dr Maxwell Maltz of "Psycho-cybernetic" fame says, "The self-image is the key to human personality and human behavior. Change the self image and you change the personality and the behavior.

It may be kitschy as you say... but it works...

Best of luck to you... and thanks for the kind words...

.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by ThoughtAddict

Time to get to work on myself. Thanks again for all the advice and comments. This is a truly supportive place, and I'm lucky to have found it.

Hi ThoughtAddict,
The way you have replied to all of us in this thread shows me that you are a considerate, thoughtful and classy person. You are not only very intelligent you are probably far too humble.

You have put yourself on the line by stating what you think are your shortcomings (very courageous too) and you are willing work on yourself.
I wish you all the best. You will succeed!