Anyone with real life experience - learning to move on

[uberinquisitive]

As I've posted before, the man I was going to marry killed himself about 4 months ago. His actual death is the least of my hurt.

We had a very unhappy 2 year relationship. It started as an affair (he was my married boss), but towards the end he left his wife for me. However, by then, I was very fed up with everything: the lying, the manipulation, the ambivalence. He was a dry drunk, and I was co-dependent. We were a total mess.

That doesn't change the fact that there was a very deep love. Part of that love, no doubt, was the fact that we were more than just lovers. Despite my being 28, and him being 50, I played a strong mother role, to the point where it may seem freaky to many of you.

And of course, I have a strong daddy complex (my father more or less ignored and abandoned me). Which I was trying to resolve through my boyfriend.

He killed himself hours after I ended the relationship. His last words were "I wish I had never met you." I was the last person to speak to him.

Because of our lack of boundaries, I lost my lover, my child, my daddy, my boss - all rolled into one. And, of course there is guilt. This is the most devastating event of my life. I am not the same person. I skipped from age 28 to age 82.

EFT has helped tremendously. And, I've been going to support groups, as well as reading books, and improving myself in general.

I've started to pursue my real dream, which is to write smart but slutty e-books. I'm even taking writing classes.

I'm dating again.

I'm mending old relationships with family. I am making new friends.

However, I have days when I am simply overwhelmed. There has been so much change, so quickly. I'm sometimes overwhelmed with fear, especially because I don't even have myself anymore. The girl I was was basically murdered when he killed himself. The new me, I don't know her. And, I mourn and miss who I was.

I am so angry that I had no control over my life. I am so hurt that someone I loved did something so horrendous. I loathe myself for allowing myself to be victimized in life (he was emotionally negligent, to the point of abuse). I sometimes wish he had been obviously abusive, like hit me. I sometimes wish he had killed me instead of himself.

I'm so afraid, because right now, all I want to do is protect myself from further pain and trauma. Even a little pain feels agonizing, because my skin has been torn off. And yet, if I protect myself, I miss out on life. I'm sort of at a loss.

I'd appreciate any words of wisdom, especially from members who are older, or who have also gone through trauma.

[Angela]

oh, uberinquisitive, I am so sorry for your loss.

Only four months ago? And you were only 28, in such a vulnerable position in so many ways. I hope you give yourself a break, and let yourself survive this whole catastrophe without trying to cure yourself of grief. I also hope that you focus on forgiving yourself. Although it might be hard for you to see it, as a person outside yourself, it's easy for me to see that you are a very powerful person.

Finally, I am really looking forward to reading your smart but slutty e-books!

Lots of love to you (and wishing you lots of self-generated love),
Angela

[Alchemiss]

Uber,
Sorry to hear of your struggle. May you have and be love and compassion in your life. Have you explored writings about forgiveness at all? I expect it shall take time and effort to forgive both yourself and him for both the relationship and the ultimate choice he made.

The other part I would focus on is the boundary issues. Being very clear where you end and another person begins will be invaluable in moving forward to a healthy, supportive relationship with yourself and others.

Take good care,
Alchemiss

[Mike Estep]

Hang in there. The pain does dull with time and become more manageable. At some point, you will have peace.

I’m 47. My Rhonda and I were married for 20 years. When she died, I hurt so bad that there were days I wanted to die. You’re right about this changing your life. You will never be the person you were before. You can however, become stronger than you were before.

The dating is a personal choice, but I decided to wait for a year to give myself time to heal emotionally. This was the right thing for me.

I also did not hold back on the tears. A counselor I went to at the time told me that grief is a natural process. In some respects the crying part is like vomiting. You don’t get well until you get the sickness out. She was right.

I have other family members that did not embrace the grieving process as I did. There pain still lingers on and has even shown up in making them physically ill as well. My suggestion is to cry, cry, and cry until you feel like you can’t anymore. This process can take months. However, you will heal faster this way.

From your posts I’ve read, I believe you are on the right track and handling your situation very maturely. Learn to be proud of yourself for the strength you exhibit.

I wish you all the best,
Mike Estep

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by Angela

I am really looking forward to reading your smart but slutty e-books!

I should have something done quite soon - did I mention they are ÜBER-slutty?!!

Originally Posted by Alchemiss

Have you explored writings about forgiveness at all? ...

The other part I would focus on is the boundary issues.

EFT really helps with both issues, especially as I'm learning that it all goes back to forgiving my parents and step-parents (especially father and step-father). Once I can resolve that pain, I will find it easier to forgive my boyfriend. And once my hurt inner child is at peace, the boundaries will become stronger.

It's hard work, trying to be a "better" person!

Originally Posted by Mike Estep

In some respects the crying part is like vomiting. You don’t get well until you get the sickness out. She was right.

Wow, that is an incredible point. I will make sure I get all my tears out. After all, it's not just the suicide I'm crying about. Every single skeleton in my closet has now been exposed (years of childhood and adolescent abuse, neglect, and overall unhappiness). I was never allowed to cry then, so I'm going to catch up now. I'm scared, but I know I have to hurt to heal.

Thanks for the responses!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

That doesn't change the fact that there was a very deep love.

*snip*

However, I have days when I am simply overwhelmed. There has been so much change, so quickly. I'm sometimes overwhelmed with fear, especially because I don't even have myself anymore. The girl I was was basically murdered when he killed himself. The new me, I don't know her. And, I mourn and miss who I was.

*snip*

I am so angry that I had no control over my life. I am so hurt that someone I loved did something so horrendous. I loathe myself for allowing myself to be victimized in life (he was emotionally negligent, to the point of abuse). I sometimes wish he had been obviously abusive, like hit me. I sometimes wish he had killed me instead of himself.

*snip*

I'm so afraid, because right now, all I want to do is protect myself from further pain and trauma. Even a little pain feels agonizing, because my skin has been torn off. And yet, if I protect myself, I miss out on life. I'm sort of at a loss.

You know a little of my situation...and that I am probably not in a place to offer much advice, but I do want you to know I am here. I am listening and thinking of you. I am intending great strength and insight for you as you deal with everything that's happened.

Losing my boyfriend to a breakup cannot compare with the trauma you faced, but so many of the things you are saying ring true for our relationship as well. I too felt I lost myself. I made so many changes hoping they would make him love me more, make him stay. On this end of it, I feel like a stranger to myself...even he said I changed from when we were friends.

I have also often wished he would have just outright hit me or flaunted his sleeping around in my face so I would have a clear cut sign to tell him to F off, but really, I probably still wouldn't have because I was co-dependent as well. I also wished sometimes that he would have died, because I thought then I could just grieve and not have to have him constantly back and forth in my life, but I am humbled by your story to realize that's not the way it works.

Fear can sometimes debilitate you to the point you are not living. I can't imagine the pain you feel as I feel so raw right now and have had a much easier time. But between the pain of living and the pain of not living, I choose living. I have many times thought it's too much, I will shut myself off, but there is no chance for joy in that. I know you have the strength in you to keep going. You are writing your smart but slutty e-books (do tell more ) and you know that you have work to do and things to learn through this experience. It's horrible in a way to have to go through something like this, but if it helps you forgive and release all of those past abuses and pains, you will be so much lighter for it.

In another thread, Groundless wrote the following. I think it might be appropriate for you too.

Pema Chodron in "When things fall apart" in the chapter titled "This very moment is the perfect teacher" wrote:

Quote:
Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors-people who have a certain hunger to know what is true-feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we are holding back. They teach us to perk up and LEAN IN {my emphasis} (to the pain) when we'd rather collapse and back away. They are like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we go.

That book may be a good read for you. I would also recommend The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and any books by Byron Katie. Keep going with EFT as you said it's helped you.

Love and peace to you.

[Alchemiss]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

EFT really helps with both issues, especially as I'm learning that it all goes back to forgiving my parents and step-parents (especially father and step-father). Once I can resolve that pain, I will find it easier to forgive my boyfriend. And once my hurt inner child is at peace, the boundaries will become stronger.

It's hard work, trying to be a "better" person!

I love EFT. I have found it very helpful also.

As far as being a "better" person, I think the journey is all about becoming your true, authentic self who is whole and healthy and needs no improvement. I know from experience it is hard to deeply feel this until you begin to get glimpses of it but I promise that person is already in you waiting for you to discover and recover her.

Warm regards,
Alchemiss

[Chet]

Sorry to hijack thread for second

Didn't know so many people were into slutty books

PM me if you want a link to download one I co-wrote (its free).

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Mike Estep

I also did not hold back on the tears. A counselor I went to at the time told me that grief is a natural process. In some respects the crying part is like vomiting. You don’t get well until you get the sickness out. She was right.

Very true. I get physically sick when I try to suppress crying. After a good crying jag I tend to feel refreshed and lighter. It's like a physical letting go of the emotions, clearing out all the grimy stuff you've shoved down inside.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Once I can resolve that pain, I will find it easier to forgive my boyfriend. And once my hurt inner child is at peace, the boundaries will become stronger.

It's hard work, trying to be a "better" person!

UQ, I invite you to take a look and see where it might be more rewarding to start with forgiveness for yourself first. Your original post illustrates a lot of shame and blame. I think you would be well served by taking a good look at the fact that you are perfect, whole, and complete right now, and that you are deserving of your own love and compassion. If you can't give that to yourself, what hope does anyone else have of receiving it?

p.s., there is no better person than the person you are right now.

Love,
A

p.p.s., are we talking uberotic?

[ZHereford]

Wow Uberinquisitive, you've been through a lot in a very short time.

Certainly the first thing you must do is forgive yourself and know that this was in no way your fault. We all have the freedom to make our own choices. You cannot be responsible for someone else's poor decision (someone much older, at that).

Secondly, what good would it do you? It's up to you to make the most of your life no matter where you're at or what the circumstances. There is nowhere to go but forward and onward. It sounds like you're already taking some steps in that direction.

The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself in every way possible, physically, mentally and emotionally. Work out, get rid of some of that pent up anger and frustration.
Learn from your mistakes (i.e. looking to someone else to make you feel better about yourself). Be the person that you want to be. It's all up to you!