I Hope This Forum Can Help Me Save My Life- No Pressure!

[Anonymous]

I'm ignoring the advice of the forum and posting directly here instead of in "Hello". I subscribe to the theory that one should listen and read before spouting off, but I realize those in need in this section would rather just hear a voice as I would now.

I find the forums invaluable because they combine struggles and the approaches advocated by Steve and his practice of LoA.

My girlfriend, then fiance, of 6 years left me March 31, in part because of this site.

She believes she attracted something better(and perhaps she did) and bonded with that someone over this site. I'm not entirely broken up over this, perhaps because I knew it was the right thing, perhaps because I've quickly moved on, but I am very despondent over my personal situation.
One way I "got over" this quickly was by sleeping with an escort. I don't really have guilt over this(despite my religious upbringing and even the judgment of the secular community), but I'm afraid that I could be doing myself harm financially and mentally. Some go for alcohol or drugs, I found that this gives me a high, albeit very expensive. It probably would have been a 1 time thing had she not been a well educated beautiful 22 year old from a good family who told me that I could have had her, or anyone in her opinion, for free, and later that she should be paying me(I know, she's a pro, and these could be sales pitches, and I called her on it and she insists that she would never say anything she didn't mean. I do get compliments-if I only could take them-like this a lot, and I'm extremely attracted to her, so I did sort of ravage her, so let me have this one. Problem is I feel empty even after our encounters, I can't get a hold of her when I want(she really doesn't work much), and I realize that I want more.

Since my last relationship began my whole life has changed: relatives deceased, friends married or estranged, parents "in the twilight of life"- no one to turn to essentially. Feeling like I have no social skills to remake a life, at one point I made plans to acquire cyanide and go out in a "blaze of glory". I'm not sure how I feel now or what I want. I'm sort of living for the day and trying to do personal exploration.

Sometimes I wonder, as have others, if all this vocalizing of problems goes against the law of attraction, but I am going to try EFT, and this has been a long-winded intro that would have probably best been broken up in multiple posts in an attempt to help, or at least echo, the few others who have succumbed to a downward spiral.

[silicon toad2000]

can understand the escort thing, me and my mates always joke around that it's much less expensive than trying to keep a mrs happy.
if you have no direction in life and can't see any point living for yourslf, perhaps you could try living for something else, e.g. volunteering at a charitable organisation. even if it only gives you a temporary focus it's worth a go.

[Love]

It sounds like you're in a tough situation. It also seems like you are in the process of rebuilding your life, which is good. Congratulations! As for specific advice, I've none of that but somehow I think you'll come out alright.

Best!

[ZHereford]

Anonymous, it certainly sounds like you're going through a really tough time. Right now when you're down in the dumps life may seem hopeless, but don't give up on yourself.

Life is full of challenges for everyone as you've seen in these forums. It's up to each of us to work on ourselves and make the best of what we have to work with. Start reading some inspirational books or stories about others who have gone through similar situations. Start working on changing your perspective. It can make all the difference. It's not what happens to us, it's how we choose to perceive it that matters.

All the best to you!

[Brutha]

My girlfriend, then fiance, of 6 years left me March 31, in part because of this site.

That should be enough information for your ex to identify you, why are you calling yourself Anonymous?

One way I "got over" this quickly was by sleeping with an escort. I don't really have guilt over this(despite my religious upbringing and even the judgment of the secular community), but I'm afraid that I could be doing myself harm financially and mentally.

I don't know your finacial situation so I can't rate whether you can deal with it financially.

Basically you have fallen in love with her. You don't want to continue paying for her (because you don't want to be That kind of person and because you can't afford it).
But on the other hand you fear that you can't deal with the emotional pain of breaking up with her. You fear that you could end your life when you would do it.
Therefore you want help from your Ex who frequent this forum?

But in reality you don't need it. You know can move on. You could move on from your relationship with your ex and you can move on from your present "relationship".

I'm sort of living for the day and trying to do personal exploration.

Isn't that exactly the ideal of books like the "Power of Now"? Living in the present day is a good think.
Seek god.
Meditate.

[Iksander]

Eh, my answer has always been this - travel.

Grab a tiny little backpack (a napsack maybe) and put the MOST important stuff in that, then walk down to the airport and see what international flight sticks out at you and has an available seat.

When going through a catharsis (as you are) romantic addictions are very easy to come by. I went to India during my own catharsis... Something about culture shock that makes you completely forget all your other silly concerns.

Girls are not worth this much grief (no body is, for that matter) and you certainly deserve the best, but, you need to believe that for yourself - nothing like a completely unfamiliar country to shock that inner core out of its slumber...

Hope this is of use.

P.S this is like committing suicide - you either do it or you don't. (kind of like anything in life really). Traveling just won't kill you, and certainly will make you an extremely confident and interesting person.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I'm going to try and start participating more in the forums. I thought about travel but, as a student of ethics, I'm always concerned with what the right thing to do is, a glaring omission on this site, with its subjective reality/Buddhist slant. There is another sense of "right" though, which is empirically "best" for the actor. I think these discussions usually end up saying that can't be measured or that all courses of action are equal, the logical conclusion of which is that no action, or only mental action should be taken.

I'm not looking for help from the ex, as she mainly reads the blogs as opposed to the forums, and the only thing she doesn't know about is the cyanide plan. I don't think I'm in love with the escort 'cause I can see many things that would annoy me- can anyone spot a glaring one?! I am in love with youth and beauty and, if anything, in accordance with this site, I want to be in love with no one for a while. I just want to sleep around,-if I can learn how to do that after years of being chastised for even looking-knowing that won't be the answer, which must come from within.

[Amarena]

It made me sad, knowing about what has happened to you. I’d like to tell you that we were given the strength to get over anything that happens to us, even if it’s hard to stand in the beginning. I don’t know who said that, but I’m re-telling it, because it is true : “ What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger!”. You will agree to this after a few months.
I’ve replied to your post because you made me worry with the last words and I wanted to tell you that you should not let anybody make you “kill” your spirit. I am not judging you, I’ve felt this myself and the best advice I can give you is :”Don’t sleep around!”, because it will kill your spirit. If you are a little religious, don’t forget to pray.
Smile to everyone around you, because they'll smile back and that is an enormous joy and help.

[coleflowers]

Cyanide?! Even if the urge for suicide has waned, the fact that you had a thought out plan for suicide and were considering acting on it is a very serious statement. I would strongly urge you to consider seeking professional help and perhaps anti-depressants. I know there a lot of people on this forum that offer a lot of helpful advice, but personally I think your situation is something that can't be resolved within the scope of a forum.

I think that a severe change in behavior after a break up is cause for concern. I don't think it is really about whether it is ok or not for you to be with an escort, but rather your comparison of people using drugs, and alcohol to the thrill you get of being with this escort. It sounds like it could be possibly turning into an addictive behavior for you.

[Anonymous]

Well, I saw the escort again and, afterward, I felt the most empty I have so far. She didn't meet me one night she said she would, and I realized how addicting it is, as if I didn't know before. I think that sex (for money or free) without a real connection is spirit killing, but so many do it and I bet that some on this board would even disagree with that conclusion. I wanted to see what it was like & sort of intentionally go against the religious teachings I was raised with.

The suicide thoughts have waned, despite having received a tax identification number(posing as a jeweler) permitting me to obtain it. I began reading The Power of Now today, which I really enjoy(despite it being sort of off topic for this forum- I think it conflicts with Pavlina and deserves its own discussion). Western philosophers debate whether the mind is the brain, and this seeming snippet of Buddhism adds a third entity, the you that observes the mind. I can go for that, but rather than emotional mastery, this seems like elimination. I'm also confused as to how goals(life versus life situation)are set according to this system. I don't think they are, but that's why I call it a snippet, fragment of Buddhism, and even full practicioners of Buddhism often act as if the logical conclusions are for someone else or some future life, not to be achieved in this one.

To those who suggest medication, I suggest reading The Instinct to Heal. There is considerable evidence(in objective reality, & perhaps this forum should be divided intho those who believe in it & those who don't) that all of the mantras and attempts at using the mind that are suggested on this site do not reach the more primitive brain where emotion, trauma is stored.

I have tried medication, talk therapy, and the techniques in my suggested read such as acupuncture, exercise, omega fatty acids, but not yet EMDR or other things like EFT or ECT.

Thanks all for your kind words.

[medaille]

Anonymous,

I get the impression that you know what you don't want, but what you want is still a little fuzzy for you. At the very least its fuzzy for me. Specifically, what do you want?

Sometimes I wonder, as have others, if all this vocalizing of problems goes against the law of attraction, but I am going to try EFT, and this has been a long-winded intro that would have probably best been broken up in multiple posts in an attempt to help, or at least echo, the few others who have succumbed to a downward spiral.

Yes and no.

The more time you spend focusing on what you don't want, the more you get what you don't want. You need to focus on what you want to get in your life. When you notice that you're getting what you don't want, it's useful to reframe it into the context that what you're getting is helping you to become what you want. read: Creative Observation

I tend to think that it's very important to be able to visualize who you'll be and how you'll act after you come out of the other side of this process. The more you imagine that person the faster you'll come into congruence with that person.

We all hit challenges in our lives which lead us to transform ourselves into better people. If God (or some other observer who has your best intentions at heart) were to make a recommendation on who you should grow into, what would they recommend?

Western philosophers debate whether the mind is the brain, and this seeming snippet of Buddhism adds a third entity, the you that observes the mind. I can go for that, but rather than emotional mastery, this seems like elimination.

For me, the "mind" is part of the body. It's a tool. It's like having a robotic suit that encapsulates you or driving a car. When you are driving a car, you interact with the world differently than when you are on foot. You can go faster or slower, forward or backwards, and you can turn, but you can't jump, you can't go sideways, etc. It's just a limitation of how you interact with the world. I (the observer) pay attention the emotions that my body and mind are reacting to and if I (all parts of me) am not acting in the way that I (the observer) desires, then I use my consciousness to readjust my actions. The observer is what pays attention to stuff. It's aware. If you want to grow that portion of you practice being aware.

You seem like you already think from an observer type of perspective, so you probably aren't too far off from being able to feel or understand what the difference is.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by elimination. I see it as having a better understanding of you situation which gives you more knowledge to be able to use the tools you have to get what you want (happiness). From the ego's perspective, it might seem like you are trying to eliminate the ego, but your ego is unable to see the whole picture clearly. Everyone knows that the mind has 2 parts (the unconscious and the conscious) Your unconscious mind can run your life if you let it. Your unconscious mind is best suited for doing the tasks that you have already habitualized (or anything you are comfortable doing on autopilot and would expect good results, like you can drive your car or walk without having to really think about it). Your conscious mind is there to keep tabs on everything and make the necessary corrections if your unconscious mind isn't getting you the results that you want. The unconscious mind is controlled by your emotions. Your conscious mind can choose to control your emotions or to retrain your brain to feel different emotions given a certain situation. By being aware of your consciousness you can take more control over your life. Your unconscious is stimulus->response. Your conscious is not limited by that.

I'm also confused as to how goals(life versus life situation)are set according to this system.

I'm not going to try to speak for the "system" but rather for my own amalgym (sp?) of thoughts and understandings.

What's the difference between you and anybody else? How come you're not homeless, a rapist, a pro basketball player, or a great businessman who could be broke one day and making tons of money not too far after? The difference is not so much in your circumstances, it's in the actions you take. You could take someone's brain and stick it into your body and life situation and they would do some things better than you and get them handled and they would do some things worse than you and they would fall into disrepair. If you took someone's brain who was great with the ladies and stuck it into your body and situation, it wouldn't take long before they were getting tons of women using the same things that you have available to you.

It's a difference in mindsets. With intention-manifestation, your goal is to remake yourself into the person who can with confidence expect to get the results you want to get. The more action that you take, the easier it is for the universe to help you out. It isn't a wishing well as much as it is an identity shift.

For example, I recently graduated from college and I was looking for a job. I'm an engineer so I am not currently great with social skills so I had a lot of trouble with interviews. I made the intention of the job that I wanted. What was the work environment? How did it help me and benefit me? I didn't pick a single job, but I imagined how the job would affect me for the better and best fulfill me. Then, I tried to imagine what the person who was hiring me was looking for in an ideal candidate, meaning how could I change myself to become the person that would easily get the job the universe was trying to send me. It might seem like you are changing yourself to become something else, but in reality the job the universe is sending you is the job that you are best suited for and the job you will be happiest with.

Happiness is what you are supposed to feel all the time. Unhappiness is what happens when you don't really know who you are and you can't control the situation enough to be happy. Life is the practice field, where you have the opportunity to practice making yourself happy. You have an ideal self (often called your higher self) which is your end result. It's a being that is capable of being perfectly happy at all times. It has gone through endless lifetimes and has changed itself many times so that it doesn't need to be unhappy.

[Samuel Bryson]

Brutha's info on the "power of now" was good, and indeed we must remember that ultiamtely were only human, we'll always have flaws, problems and things outside of our control. What i like about "now" is it advocates changing just the way we approach things, which in turn will eventually lead to long term changes. Simply viewing the world as a big confusing bundle which basically will tangle itself up more seems all the much better if you can atleast realise that "now" you can start to untangle a little bit, and make it just that much more sane!

I wrote an article on "the power of now"here: Total Wellbeing: Living In the Now – The Philosophy of Happiness with a Twist of Zen which I think is an alright read.

[Ninja]

there's a fine line between growing and dying and you'll want to make sure not to cross it. I think that you should find a new focus in your life, one that helps other people, animals, or nature. If you can't live for yourself (yet), then live for someone else. It will teach you a lot about yourself and you'll see your life in another light. Steve was in junkfood addicted prisondweller when he was young and look where he is now! You can do the same. This is not the final chapter of your life, it is merely a dark page in a book that you are writing yourself. There are people who once were far worse off than you and are now doing far better than most of us can imagine. Remember that when you're tempted to bail out.