Self-Loathing

[Scientist]

I've been working on my personal development for about two years or so, not long before Steve began his personal development blog. I've read many books in that area including: "Power Vs. Force", "What should I do with my life?", "Emotional Intelligence", "The Power of Now", "The Power of Intention", "Ask and it is Given", "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" and "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Also, I've been taking Tai Chi classes and seen movies like "The Secret" and "What the Bleep to We Know?"

I've found all of it to be helpful, and I literally look at the world in a whole new way, but I don't feel much closer to being free from depression, self-loathing and the inability to let go. It feels like the more I learn, the more problems I am uncovering--as if I were facing a fractal problem, as if it were impossible to get to where I am trying to go because it is either infinitely far away or I keep changing my direction and eliminate my progress.

In many respects, I am doing well. I have a job that I like which also pays well. I am healthy. But there are aspects of my life that I am very unhappy with. I'm tired of being single, but I feel that I wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship even if I had one. I'm introverted, and socially awkward. Even when women throw themselves at me, I often mess it up. I've been trying to improve in this area, but it is difficult and painful for me because I am very sensitive and I have issues with anxiety. Which causes me to hate myself because I want badly to function like a normal human being, but even though I am trying to improve, it is still very difficult, unpleasant and not something I do well. I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of having these problems, but I don't know how to make them go away. They are interfering with my ability to get what I want and I am very frustrated. I am tired of having to fight against my emotions all the time. It appears that they are trying to get me to sabotage myself and run away from the things that I want.

I just don't understand. It is as if my mind won't let me have what it wants. It is insane and I don't know what to do.

[openmind]

Hi Scientist, you say you want to function like 'a normal human being' but how do you know a) what a 'normal human being' is and b) how the 'function'. You are as normal a human being than anyone else. Nobody is more 'normal' than somebody else. You are unique and your emotions are an important part of you. Also, How do you define 'socially awkward'? Who sets the standard here? It is you who determines how 'social' you are.

What if you changed your goals? Why don't you want to be yourself and accept the fact that everybody has depressions from time to time? Have you heard of Dr. Maltz and his book Psycho-Cybernetics? It's an excellent resource because it shows that there many people like you and there is a system that helps you change your self-image.
Let me know what you think.

Regards,
Torsten

[Mnemosyne]

Scientist, like you, I do well in many respects too. But deep down I have self loathing. Normally it stays under the surface but every once in a while (it happens a few times a year) there is a period of 2 or 3 days where I hate everything about myself.

The only thing I can do is ride it out. During these times I feel 100% alone and hateful of myself. There is only one thing that comforts me (it's really silly) and that is the song "Get Rhythm" by Johnny Cash. I listen to it over and over and over, all day long until I start to feel better about myself. It's not necessarily the message or story the song represents, tho that helps a little. Mostly it's the simple beat of the song that helps make me feel grounded.

Anyway, I'm sure this doesn't help you and I wish there was something I could say to provide insight...

[GreatnessBlog]

I highly recommend the book Feeling Good, by David Burns. He's a cognitive-behavioral therapist who provides great exercises to teach you how to argue with your irrational thoughts (like self-loathing.)

[RandomGuy101]

Scientist, have you ever considered therapy? My gf is a clinical psychologist and has patients with extreme self loathing. They apparently benefit greatly from the therapy sessions. I know $150 an hour is a lot but IMO it is very worth it.

I also suffer from anxiety issues. How often do you exercise? I have found that I need to do something active for an hour every single day and this helps tremendously. Yoga is very helpful for my anxiety issues because of the deep breathing. I also am starting to meditate daily and this helps too.

In terms of finding a relationship, I think relationships come when you least expect them. Just focus on solving your self-loathing and anxiety issues and a relationship is bound to fall right into your lap.

[helgi]

Begin by asking the question, what exactly is that 'self' you loathe?

You wrote in the introversion thread that you like human contact, but are uneasy with the interaction bit. Which is exactly what I experienced, and which has to do directly with the 'self' loathing. If you imagine that you could be around people either without saying anything, or even without being seen by anyone, and feel that it would be easier that way, that is how it can be when you are free of the self. Which means that the self you are carrying around everywhere you go is causing you the pain, and not human interaction per se.

After having struggled with this problem for a long time, I eventually traced it to a general fear of rejection, resulting in enormous suffering and fatigue related to constantly having to play the game of acceptance/rejection when interacting with other people. Sort of like juggling eggs all day.

What you must ultimately come to peace with is the possibility that other people may reject you. Similar to what I wrote about in the introversion thread, about letting go of the realm of acceptance/rejection alltogether. Recognizing that people's judgment of you can turn around either way at the slightest whim, and that it only affects you to the extent that you are identified with the illusory self. You then stop becoming happy when someone accepts you or some social interaction goes well, and also cease to become unhappy when someone rejects you or something goes wrong in a social situation. You stop deriving a sense of happiness or unhappiness from something that happens, and instead you feel an inner sense of peace that doesn't change no matter what happens.

The wonderful thing is that, when you fully accept the possibility that people may reject you and truly don't mind what happens, it is as if everything starts going your way suddenly, the social awkwardness disappears, and on the off chance that someone does reject you, it doesn't bother you at all.

[Scientist]

openmind: By socially awkward I meant that I have difficulty with things like smalltalk, starting conversations, body language, etc. It just seems so much easier for most people and I wish I was more like those people. I don't know how to get what I want without changing, and I find it difficult to change, hence the self-loathing. Thank you for your suggestion.

Mnemosyne: Thank you for sharing. I hope that this will pass for me soon too.

GreatnessBlog: Sounds like that book might be what I'm looking for, thank you.

RandomGuy101: I've had conseling before, and it helped me identify a core issue. I felt great when I went, but it wore off. It led me to believe that I would have to figure out a solution on my own, because I'm the only one who can really know me. I'd like to try therapy again, but the cost is more than I want to pay and I don't trust that it would completely work. I don't want to be in therapy for years and years, I want the situation to be resolved much sooner. I rarely do strenuous exercise and that is something I should try to do more of. Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate your reply.

[helgi]

Just to add a little bit to what I wrote earlier, there's a very effective practical exercise you can do to overcome a fear of rejection. Something that's commonly used for going beyond a fear of spiders and such, (think they call it exposure therapy) which is to deliberately get yourself into a situation with a high risk of being rejected.

It is easier said than done obviously, and wading into a situation that is likely to turn awkward will take serious courage for an introvert. But if you do, there is a crucial point in the process that can make or break the transformative power of it; and that is to face the pain and discomfort fully, without seeking refuge in distractions or explanations. When you feel the level of discomfort rising, pay attention to how it feels within the body without doing anything to relieve it. It can be like an ever tightening knot or a feeling of contraction, or a field of intense energy that wants to get out while you instinctively want to push it back down -- whatever it feels like, it is important to allow it to arise without relieving the discomfort in any way.

When you go through this process, you break the habitual mental image of what it means to be rejected or to experience a socially awkward situation. You're not really getting tougher at withstanding it, which implies effort anyway and is ultimately futile, but rather going beyond it by seeing that it cannot make you unhappy or hurt you in any way. When you face the discomfort without trying to get away, it is almost as if the 'self/ego' is being burned up: incredibly painful for the ego, but liberating for you.

For example, you could set yourself a target of being (potentially) rejected by 10 women that you believe to be way out of your league, of course sober and without having an emotional exit strategy (like saying "she wasn't that great anyway" etc.)

Similar to when unpublished writers collect rejection letters

[Alvin]

Hey Scientist,

Just throwing something out here; could it be a matter of your focus and your attitude towards your poblems?

You say your life is going well in other areas, don't those bring you joy? We've all got problems, I find the ones who are generally happier are those who choose to focus more on the good in their lives than the bad, even the 'imagined' good that's coming in the future.

On my own journey of self-discovery, and what I've read from other people as well, it seems like the more you grow, the bigger the challenges you'll uncover. It's only natural, the stronger you become, the heavier the weights you'll have to lift in order to grow.

I'm not saying this is easy, but I do find that your ability to handle the problems gets stronger.

What do you think?

[Scientist]

helgi:

I really appreciate your response. I certainly would like to move away from ego-identification. I like your suggestion of putting myself in situations where I am likely to get rejected. I think this would help. Though, and I know this is going to sound completely irrational, but I fear success as well. I fear that if I were in a relationship, it would not last long, because I fear that I would be boring or uninteresting and that I would just end up alone and in pain. But, I think I could use your suggestion to get over that as well. I think if I consciously work on it, I will feel better and get the results I'm looking for.

Alvin:

Thank you for writing. I do tend to focus little on what is going well and much on what is lacking. Not long ago, I was feeling very good. I had recently started my current job, which I was very happy about, my social life was more active and there was a potential relationship on the horizon. But, when the potential relationship fell apart, I fell apart. I was very depressed and hurt, my social life was harmed because of the girl's relationship to the people I spent time with (looooooooong story) and work, for whatever reason, no longer brought me the happiness it used to. I've not been nearly that happy since then.

But, I think I will try consciously focusing on what is going well in my life. I believe that will help. Thank you for your suggestion.

-----

Lately, I've been reading "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. In the book, she suggests various affirmations to attract health and what you want in life. My plan is to use her advice to build self-acceptance and elminate negative thinking. I plan to replace negative thoughts with affirmations, as they come up. I also want to start meditation and practice Tai Chi more often.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions.